It had been three weeks, of which, I wholly avoided Neveah and Kelly as much as possible. I showed up to practice, sang, and left without speaking a word to them. Neveah seemed fine with it, all of it, since she avoided my eyes whenever I glanced her way. I don’t think she understood why I was upset at all. She’d been texting me and apologizing for being hypocritical, for living this double life. I could see how that would bother her, since she was probably riddled with guilt. But her hypocrisy didn’t bother me, hypocrisy was so normal that it was commonplace. But I’d never expected Neveah to be normal, she was supposed to be different, the exception to all the rules I’d come to accept as my own twisted truths. But she wasn’t an exception, she was exactly the same. But that didn’t even frustrate me, because it wasn’t the part that hurt. The realization that I had actually allowed myself to want something, to believe in someone, and to trust. And as usual, it blew up in my face and I was left pretending not to care. But I did care, and I did want more for my life than being some shitty car salesman who went home alone every night. Neveah made me realize that, and then she left me with alone to stare at the pathetic mess my lfie was.

Tonight was the dress rehearsal for our Christmas performance, which was in a few days. I couldn’t decide if I was relieved or dreading the truth that I’d be moving on with my life, away from Neveah. I could move on with my life, my pathetic and lonely life.

“Hey there, handsome,” Marsha said, coming up behind me. “I made some Christmas brownies.”

“Thank God,” I said, watching people shuffle in for the practice. “I really need some brownies.”

“Need a distraction from your Christmas love triangle,” Marsha asked.

 “What love triangle?” I replied in a monotone voice.

“Like I don’t know,” Marsha replied. “Everyone knows Eli. You had the eyes for Neveah, and for a moment, we all thought she liked you too. Then rumors start flying that she and Kelly are getting serious, and you come to practice all cold and depressed. She chose him, didn’t she?”

                “It wasn’t really a triangle,” I replied. “More like my making pathetic attempts to sway her affections. It didn’t work.”

“Well, love is dangerous and confusing,” Marsha said. “Milton and I have been trying to make it work for years. We only recently started to get along, and I think he might propose soon.”

“You and Milton?” I asked. “Damn, isn’t he a bit old for you?”

“Don’t say ‘damn’ in God’s house dear,” she said. “And I’m not as young as I look. I use face creams like you wouldn’t believe. Sorry, I know you took a shine to me.”

“As long as I can eat your brownies,” I said, taking a bite. “I’m happy for you.”

“My point is, you need to cheer up Eli,” she said. “So you got hurt, but you tried didn’t you?”

“Yes,” I said. “But I never try, and the one time I put myself out there, it all went to hell. Sorry, I know you can’t say hell in church.”

                “It’s alright,” Marsha replied. “Do you know how many blind dates and e-harmony matchups I’ve been on? Its 2014 Eli, dating is the worst. One time, this guy asked me to go Dutch, and then he copied down my credit card numbers. He tried to steal me identity.”

“Well, that didn’t happen to me,” I said. “Honestly, I’m usually the jerk in these scenarios.”

“But that isn’t you, not really,” Marsha said. “You’ve been nice to me, even though I’m not the prettiest girl in the room.”

“Well, I don’t know about that…”

“I do,” Marsha replied. “You aren’t as awful as you think, Eli. Sometimes timing doesn’t work out, and that’s life. If you’d met that girl any other time in her life, do you think she would have hesitated to fall in love with you?”

                I glanced at her across the room, noticing how she was laughing at Kelly’s jokes and smiling.

“I don’t know,” I said. “She was already in love with Kelly when I showed up.”

“Exactly, Eli. You can be sad you lost a gun fight when you showed up with a stick. Kelly and Neveah have been circling each other for years. I know it still hurts, but you need to buck up and move on.”

“Isn’t that sort of like giving up,” I replied.

“No,” Marsha rolled her eyes. “It’s loosing gracefully. If you can’t do that, then you’ll never open yourself up to what’s next.”

“And what is that, exactly? What is waiting for me in my pathetic, crappy life?”

I was trying to sound like I was joking, but I really wasn’t. Marsha rubbed my shoulder and smiled.

“Anything, who knows,” Marsha said. “What do you want, really? Think about it.”

“I don’t know…” I said, frowning.

“Well, maybe you just need some time to dream for a while Eli.”

“Used car salesman don’t dream,” I laughed.

                “First time for everything,” Marsha said, winking at me.

She turned and walked over to Milton, blunt, bald, and overweight Milton. They looked happy, in love. If he could find a reason to smile, what excuse did I have to mope? I glanced back to Neveah and Kelly. Kelly smiled at me, as if somehow he could sense I was brooding and needed a soft gesture, and he stood up.

“Alright everyone,” Kelly shouted. “Let’s get to your sections, because I have an announcement to make.”

I sat down and looked at Neveah, who still looked ashamed and embarrassed whenever I saw her. I just nodded, as if to say, its fine. I’m over it. I wasn’t really over it, but maybe pretending was half the battle.

“I wanted to tell you all first, though we’ll make an official announcement on Sunday,” Kelly said.

I swallowed, not liking the way things were going. What would he announce? He signaled for Neveah to stand up, and she went up to his side.

“I proposed to Neveah last night,” Kelly said. “And she said yes.”

Everyone else was exciting, shrieking and hollering. Some people whistled. Everyone else stood up and went to congratulate them, but I stayed sitting. It felt the whole world around me was collapsing as people rushed to the happy couple. Marsha gave a look that said, I’m sorry, and I nodded. I stood up, and turned around to leave. I couldn’t stay there a minute longer.

                I walked outside and paced, not sure what to do. Everything was wrong, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Engaged, I thought, that was so final. Soon she’d be married, and I’d be left pining away for someone’s wife, a pastor’s wife. It felt like a new low, even for me. I turned to the brick wall, resting against it. I thought about punching it, slamming my knuckles into the cold cement and letting all my troubles bleed out. But then I shook my head. She’ll still love him, no matter what half-baked move you pull.

“Eli,” a voice called out.

I turned to see Kelly, standing there awkwardly. He looked about as uncomfortable as I felt.

“Come here to gloat, asshole,” I said coldly.

“No,” He replied. “Actually, I feel bad. Neveah has been calling you; you haven’t answered. She wanted to tell you before, so you can prepare.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter,” I said. “It’s over.”

“I am sorry,” Kelly said. “I love her, and it felt wrong to not propose. I want to be her husband.”

“So you can have guilt-free sex,” I said, sneering.

                “Maintaining her purity is one reason,” Kelly said. “But it’s also time. You know, more than anyone, she needs someone to take care of her. I want to give Neveah the thing she’s never had, a family.”

“So this isn’t some knee-jerk reaction to the fact that you’re banging her and feel like a loser.”

“No,” Kelly said. “As awkward as that day was, you actually prevented us from losing our heads and ruining our relationship.”

“So she told you everything,” I asked. Kelly nodded.

“Ok,” I said. “But you better be good to her. She is… Neveah is different from anyone I’ve ever met. She’s real and honest, and beautiful.”

“I get it, you love my fiancé. You don’t have to remind me.”

“But you don’t get it,” I said. “I don’t love anything, ever. She made me want things I swore I’d never want, in a just a few days. You don’t deserve her, Kelly.”

“I know,” He said, solemnly. “But I can die trying to be worthy of her.”

                “Well, if you want to go home,” Kelly said. ‘I’d get it. I mean, I know you’ve got the parts down. I can make an exception to our agreement.”

“No,” I said. “I’m not here for her. I am here for one reason, because my Nana asked me to be.”

“Alright then,” Kelly said.

“Let’s go, asshole,” I replied with a smirk.

“Normally I’d be offended,” Kelly said. “But I think your vulgarities are a sign of affection. Do you actually like me, Templeton?”

“Not a chance,” I replied. “But if you treat Neveah well, I suppose I can tolerate you.”

We walked inside and I sighed, feeling a little less like driving off of a bridge. Maybe love wasn’t always about getting the girl, but being happy for her when she got her happy ending. I thought about what Kelly said, about wanting to be her family. After everything she’d been through, maybe he was the right guy for her. I couldn’t give her the things she needed, and I could accept that. I could let her go.

                I walked up to Neveah and glanced at the diamond on her finger, trying to smile.

“Congrats, Neveah,” I said. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks Eli,” she said. She leaned in to whisper. “I’m sorry about everything, you know.”

“It’s ok,” I said. “You made me want more, and maybe someday I’ll get it. Just clearly, it won’t be with you.”

“I hope you find what you’re looking for,” She replied.

I leaned forward and kissed her forehead, not caring who was looking.

“Me too,” I whispered.

***

                The night of the concert, I was busy entertaining three different women in my apartment. Of course, these women were my mother, my sister, and my nana, but I still felt overwhelmed. They drank coffee while I put on the tie I’d bought for the occasion. I didn’t want to look like a used cars salesman, for reason beyond explanation. It’s not like I had anyone to impress there, not anymore. I’d honestly been doing better since the dress rehearsal, slowly getting over the idea of Neveah marrying Kelly. It was her life, and if I was a real friend, I’d respect her plans. Sure, a part of me was still pissed off because I wanted her and I thought we had something deeper, but it didn’t matter.

“Eli,” my sister called out. “Are you reading War and Peace? That seems unlike you.”

“Well,” I said. “This friend of mine got me turned on to Tolstoy.”

I, of course, still contended that I hated Neveah’s book. Probably because I didn’t want admit I threw a tantrum that day in her apartment. As if that day hadn’t been embarrassing enough.

                “Is this friend a female?” My nana asked. I shrugged and looked away.

“Actually yes,” I said. “But she has a fiancé, so don’t get any ideas.”

“Oh,” Nana replied. “How do you feel about that?”

“I’m fine,” I said.

And honestly, I was fine with it. I was started to believe that falling for Neveah taught me a lot about myself, a sort of turning point in my life. Sure, getting rejected by her felt a lot like getting my heart ripped out by an anchor that was dropping into the ocean, but every cloud had some sort of silver lining. My mother once told my sister, after she’d been dumped before homecoming, that you can’t grow up until you have your first real heartache. It sucks, but the pain is the universe’s initiation ceremony of sorts. And even though it was odd to be initiated so late in life, I knew I’d be stronger in the long run.

                “So my plan to get you married off didn’t work,” Nana said. “At least I’ll get to hear you sing.”

I smiled, noting she’d hear my lip syncing the words while Milton carried the bass section. I was still tone deaf, after all.

“I do have an announcement of sorts,” I said. “It may not have to do with romance, but it’s sort of exciting.”

“Oh,” my mother said. “What’s up, Elijah?”

They all sat down, as if they were about to get some good gossip.

“Well, you all know my friend from high school, Ben? He works at the local community college. Thanks to him, I got set up with a few different people at the college. So, you’ll have to call me professor Templeton from now on.”

“What?” Nana said. “I didn’t know you wanted to teach.”

“They contacted me a few months ago, but I was on the fence,” Eli said. “But I’ve decided to take the position. I’ll be teaching business class, mostly about sales and marketing. It sure as hell beats selling cars and working for Ray.”

                “Wow,” My mother said. “My son, the professor. I’m glad you’re going to do something productive with that MBA of yours.”

“Thanks, mom,” I said.

I kissed her and smiled. Maybe I was still a womanizer who liked to drink and swear, but I felt like I was on the path to respectability.

***

                We were waiting for the curtain to open, which was ridiculous. The church was the size of a taco bell, and somehow, we’d created a small stage and a curtain to hide behind. It was Kelly’s idea, obviously. Neveah was standing around and I glanced at my watch, five minutes left. I gathered my courage and approached her.

“Hey,” I said, avoiding her eyes.

“Hey Eli,” She said. “Merry Christmas Eve.”

“You too,” I said. “Actually, I bought you something, a small little present.”

“Oh Eli, you shouldn’t have.”

                I pulled out the small velvet box and handed it her, watching her eyes grow a littler wider with fear.

“It’s not an engagement ring,” I said. “I do have some semblance of pride left. Just open it.”

She nodded, smiling nervously as she popped it open. It was a thin bracelet with a charm on the end, a blue butterfly. I’d seen it and just knew, I needed to buy it for her.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “It was expensive or anything. I just, I figured they have that whole something borrowed, something blue idea for your wedding. I just thought you should have it.”

“I didn’t get you anything,” she said. “I feel awful, you’re too sweet Eli.”

“Well,” I said. “It’s sort of a goodbye present. I just… I don’t think it’d be appropriate for me to hang around you anymore. Not with everything that’s happened. And I need to move on. But I wanted to thank you.”

“Thank me for what?” Neveah asked.

                “Well, I know I wasn’t very important to you,” I said. “But you were to me, Neveah. I just, I wanted to thank you for trying to show me that stuff about religion. I know I was an asshole, and I still don’t believe it, but it was kind.”

“You weren’t that much of an asshole,” she laughed.

“But I think sometimes a person can touch you without even realizing it, and you did. So, I hope you get everything you deserve, a perfect little life and all that. Kelly isn’t so bad, I guess.”

“Thanks,” Neveah said. “And for the record, you were important to me too. I just, I wished things could be different. I had met you in another life, one in which I hadn’t fallen in love with another man already, it would have been different.”

“Well, at least in this life I got one good kiss in.”

We both laughed and I shrugged, as if to say there was nothing else to say.  We went back to our places and the concert begun.

                There’s nothing more embarrassing as a grown man than to see your mother crying during your Christmas concert. If I’d known a single person in the audience, I might have felt embarrassed to be up there with the bells. But I didn’t know anyone other than my family. Then, in the middle of the Carol of the Bells, a woman with two small boys begrudgingly dressed in suits shuffled in. I almost choked on my own surprise, but Milton nudged me slightly. I hadn’t seen Sandra since the night I gave her the money for her car, and then we’d had our own night fling. Her hair was down and clearly she’d taken time to straighten it. Her boys sat next to her, looking ready to fall asleep, and a slight sadness traced her face. She was beautiful, and for a brief moment, I wondered why she was sad. Our set finished, and soon enough, people were moving about finding their loved ones to chat and move on to their parties and nights at home.

                I went over to my women, listening to Nana talk for minutes about how she loved the old hymns. I nodded, but my eyes were elsewhere. I kept looking over at Sandra, who was trying to pretend to talk to some other woman with interest. Her sons had Gameboys out, and played quietly in the rows. I guess they weren’t a fan of the Christmas ever service. I finally got the courage to wave, and she smiled, waving back.

“Hey Nana,” I said. “I’m going to say hi to a friend.”

“Sure Elijah,” She said, smiling.

I broke away, and waiting while Sandra finished up her conversation. She smiled as I approached her, clearly amused.

                “Eli Templeton,” she said. “Who knew you were a choirboy.”

“I think you knew,” I said. “I hear you and your brother talk a lot. I thought he was going to murder me when we first met.”

“Oh,” she replied. “Sorry, he is a bit overprotective.”

“So, you do talk,” I said. “Do you know about…?”

“About how you tried to steal his fiancé,” Sandra laughed. “He may have mentioned it. But no need to be embarrassed, it’s good to see you again.”

“How’s the car treating you?” I asked.

“Great, I love it,” I said. “And the money you gave me helped a lot. After I fixed it, I had enough to save up for Christmas. I bought the boys brand new bikes.”

“Fantastic,” I said, grinning. “I’m just glad it all worked out. You look great.”

                “You’re not trying to seduce me church, are you Eli?” She whispered. She said so jokingly, but I think she was honestly concerned. Had I been that much of a creep? I did sleep with her and never called again.

“No, not like that,” I said. “But, I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me?”

“Excuse me,” she asked.

“I just,” I said. “I wasn’t in a place for a relationship before, and who knows, maybe I’m still not. But I want to be the kind of guy who is brave enough to try. I’d like to take you, treat you well, and ask permission to kiss you goodnight. I want to see if maybe we could be something more. I know this sounds crazy, especially since you know all about Neveah. But I like you, and I’m finally ready to see where that road leads.”

“Well,” she said. “I don’t see what harm a dinner could do.”

“So it’s a date,” I said, grinning.

                “I think we can manage that,” She replied. “But maybe we shouldn’t tell Kelly right away.”

“Sounds good,” I said. “You look really beautiful tonight, by the way.”

Sandra just giggled, and I felt something change in my head. As if some of the wheels started to turn, and I just knew. I was ready to have something real, and who knows, maybe this time I’d actually get it.