i really wish i could stop my anxiety. if i could, things would be better. i would trust you and calm down. i would think things would just happen on their own. why can't i live my life, knowing that you're mine? i struggle everyday to keep you engaged and interested, making sure you still love me no matter how crazy i am.

i have this absolute need to control you. because i'm so scared. i have never been this terrified. i dated so many people before and i didn't feel like this. if they hurt me, i was devastated and sure i ended up at hospitals, but i always had hope that i would find better.

but with you, it's different. it's like; this is it. it cannot be anything else. i don't want to accept you leaving. i don't want to accept you losing feelings someday. i don't want you to be happy with anyone else. and even if you say you won't, i can feel it happening.

because how could you possibly stay in 2 or 3 years of a relationship with someone who just keeps complaining, always needs reassurance and is never satisfied? i have no life without you. my entire world revolves around us.

in my head, it has to work. because i can't do it again. i can't fail again. i can't start over again. i don't want to.

you're the first person who shared dreams with me...who said he wanted a future with me. and if it took me 21 years to find someone who feels the same, then how long do i have to wait again when you leave?

i don't fucking want you being happy with anyone else. i need to be your soulmate. and it drives me crazy. i know you know i'm insane. but it's all just fear.

i am engulfed in fear every single day and i can't help it. i know i can't control your heart and your mind. if you wanted to leave, you would. and you would never contact me again. i don't want that to ever happen.

it affects me on a daily basis, to the point that i can't eat or shower or do work.

i'm so fucked in the head with this fear. because if it fails, it's my fault. it will be my fault. 'cause you're my soulmate. i can't let you go. i refuse.

i have never wanted anything in my life this badly. you don't understand.

i'm scared of working for us. to go get a job and work in pain with my condition that kills me everyday. i'm scared to do all this work because what if...

...what if when the time comes and you move out, you just don't want me there anymore? what if your feelings have gone away? what if you find someone else?

that would mean i did everything for nothing. it would devastate me.

i work so hard in my romantic relationships and they're always a failure. i don't want that anymore.

but if i don't work for you, then it fails too.

i'm stuck.

i don't know what to do.

people tell me to stop caring and just go do the things i need to do in life. like who gives a fuck if you leave? at least i got somewhere right? at least i achieved things?

but they don't understand that i only wanna do it because of you. i have been in so much pain, as you know, after all these years. i cannot take any more of it. so why would i want to stay alive for myself? to suffer more? alone?

no. i do it for you. i do it for us.

i am so scared when you leave me to go do other things because what if you forget me?

let's say, you get a new job, a new hobby, you meet new people, you grow as a person...

...and you come home to me, and see that i am me. you remember what you'd forgotten while you were gone all day. and you realize that you were so much happier outside with others than you are inside with me.

i don't want you to feel that way. i don't want you to be happier elsewhere.

and it's not like i don't want you to be happy at all. of course, i do! i want you to discover things! and new passions. i want you to be happy and excited in life!

i just don't want to be away. i just don't want to be forgotten. i don't want to be abandoned. i want you to still love me no matter how much you grow up, no matter what you discover.

i want you to still love me no matter what.

so i keep forcing us to stay together and be close. stay close to me. if you drift away, i fear you'll never find your way back.

it happens all the time in relationships. people grow apart. people break up. people get tired of each other. i don't want that.

so i'm trying so hard. which i know is fuckin stupid and the worst possible thing to do. but what can i do?

i can't control the future. i can't control you.

i really, really, really, want to marry you. no one else.

i am set on you. from the moment you first said you wanted to marry me.

you say i'm not forced. i'm not. i'm just fuckin forced by my own love for you in a way. i'm stuck here and i never want to leave. so please don't.

i'm trying my best. i'm sorry i call you bad things. i'm sorry i don't trust you and i hurt you often. but please, believe in the dream and love me. don't ever stop. please. please don't ever stop thinking i'm worth the fight.

because i know you are. i love you very much.