There is a sacredness in tears.

They are not a mark of weakness, but of power.

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.

They are the messengers of overwhelming grief,

of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.

~Washington Irving

I'll let you in on a little secret- high school is the worst place for losers.

Jason dragged me down the hall , most of the students stared at me wide-eyed, giving us a wide berth. I could even see some of them smirk reminding me how much of a loser I am.

The room burst into devilish laughter when Jason being one of  the spoilt brat that he is, shouted the magical word 'loser' and kicked the side of my ribs. My gaze fished through the crowd, pleading, hoping that someone will help me but to my dismay, the devilish laughter grew louder and louder until it was unbearable and everyone around me started chanting the same magical word. Traitors.

The most misinterpreted thing about being a teenager is that teens help each other and lift each other up but that is only partially true, sometimes they pull you down. 

I looked up at Jason, blond hair, blue eyes, perfect reputation, perfect life but I still don't get why he likes to torment people like me. I'd trade anything to have a perfect life like his.

I hate him, I hate him so much! and he is partially the reason why I considered....I mean the reason why I feel like I want to die. Is it anger that I see in his ice-cold blue eyes? I guess I'll never know.

bully me all you want Jason because I won't be there tomorrow or the day after that or ever. I'm sure a tiny part of you will feel a tiny speck of guilt when you see my empty desk, empty locker next to yours, no one to bully in the boys locker room. Do you even know how it feels being bullied? No, you are Jason Harris, the jock of the school, you won't understand.

You know what you did Jason? On the outside it may look like a normal teenager bullying another teen but on the inside you robbed my soul and put it up for ridicule. Doesn't it ring a bell? 

For all of you reading this, it was not Jason's fault... he is not the whole reason that I made this decision but he is one of the reason. Do you want to know what he did? Well, here's the story in brief-

In the boys locker room, unfortunately my locker was next to Jason's. At first he would laugh at me and call me names which was way better than what he did next which I call it the second stage of bullying, it involved the hitting-kicking-slapping part. I won't go into the details but the next is the interesting part. One metaphorically gloomy afternoon while we were changing in the locker room, Jason peeked into my locker to see if he could find anything interesting, guess what? He did! He found a file where I kept all my cartoon drawings, I'm a comic artist if haven't figured it out yet. It is my passion, actually was my passion until..Jason. I hadn't shown it to anyone. He snatched the file and stormed out before I could say anything or maybe I chose not to because you also stole my confidence along with my drawings.

Now, tell me how do you feel when someone displays your soul in an exhibition , that too in the most cruel way possible? Don't you feel exposed, vulnerable? 

Well that's exactly what he did, He printed them into flyers but with snarky, cruel comments next to each drawing which others found it hilarious and that's exactly what I meant when I said that he robbed my soul and put it up for ridicule. To him it might have been an object to play around but to me, it was my soul. Not only did he play with my sketches but also played with my emotions.

Maybe it feels cheesy but it was that bad. The flyers were found in every nook and corner of the school! I'd like to mention one more thing, it is not only because of Jason but because of Jason and the Argonauts. I mean his friends, haven't you heard the tale?

Back in the hall, actually I was dragged all the way to the cafeteria and where I'm being laughed at because I'm covered in red and green sauce. when did that happened?

I don't mind Jason. I look up at the ceiling trying to fight back tears. I always knew that someday I was going to snap and that'll be today, tonight-exactly at midnight, I'm going to end it all because no human can have, the feelings that I have bottled up inside of him, It's killing me but look on the brighter side I'll be gone, the emotional pain-it'll all stop and no one will miss me because I don't have any friends and C'mon who will miss a loser?

After getting cleaned up(I always keep an extra pair in my locker). It was my last class of the day, last class ever, it was math, it used to be my favorite, you know that's the thing about depression, you lose interest in things that you used to love, for me it was studies. My grades are slipping away by the second. I used to top the class with straight As, and I had big dreams, I was the teachers pet until..

so I feel like I failed myself and my parents and that feels really really bad because I'm always used to being the best kid...

Ding ding ding

Time to go home. 

I walked down the hall, towards the exit but at some point I must have made a wrong turn because I found myself standing, actually waiting in front of a closed door with- Ms Rose Linton, Guidance counsellor written in block letters. Why did I come here? maybe because a tiny part of me wanted to be saved, a tiny part of me wants to live but the other larger part of me knows that I cannot be saved. I'm beyond that. 

After a while, a short-redheaded girl walked out. It was my turn. I stretched my hand to reach for the door knob but the part of me that thought there's no turning back dominated over the tiny part of me that had hope. Hope. I believe it doesn't exit.

I ran away. Isn't that exactly what I'm doing? running away...from life. I didn't stop until I reached the parking lot. 

--------

"Just a few more hours" I said to myself, then it'll all be over. I sat on my bed for the last time, the same bed in which I'd lie down every night looking at the fluorescent stars that I had stuck on the ceiling and finally fall asleep.

I don't want to sit here anymore. It feels like death is looming all around the room. You know you're suicidal when you feel like the world, which once seemed full of possibilities, is crumpling down and you don't stand a chance and you know you're doomed from the beginning.   

I got up and changed into a track suit and sprinted to a park that is a few blocks away from my home. When I got there, I just sat on the grass, my head resting against the fence. I came here to jog but I am too exhausted mentally and physically(mostly mentally) to get myself to do it. I'm that desperate. I had read somewhere that running or at least jogging helps you get things off your mind so I forced myself to get up, it took all my willpower to do it but I did and I felt like all the energy was draining from my body but I kept jogging, after sometime it felt good.

The sun was setting when I walked out of the park. Next to the park there is a café and I walked in without a second thought for my final strawberry milkshake. I haven't had an appetite for a long time. I sat at one corner and ordered iced strawberry milkshake.

The strawberry milkshake was good and so was the day, I was content.

So..any regrets?--none.

confessions?--nope.

unfinished business-- many, but none that matters.  

I casually looked at the counter and guess what? The famous Jason Harris stood there waiting, for a nanosecond our eyes met, then he shifted his gaze to the girl in front of him.

I'm outta here.

As I walked on the lonely dead-end street that my house is in, I was just thinking, tomorrow morning probably at around seven, they'd find me, who would it be ? mom or dad? I feel bad for a moment.

But there is no turning back.

~Peter Houston.