In the silence of her loneliness, she has always ached for conversation. For words. For expression, be it mundane or intellectual. Despite her best efforts, she has always fallen short at social interaction, her reluctance and hesitation an apparent put off for people who no longer linger in peace, silence and slowly unraveling words. Vibrant but restless, a generation of people who cannot halt anymore for the mildest tinge of uncertainty is a blemish on their armour they can never be rid of.

She is so different from them, born in their generation but with a soul much more ancient. She cannot just emerge out of her shell no matter how much she wants to and there remained nobody who would give her that time. Who would take the time to know her. Gradually. Carefully.

There was never a person who halted with her, who wanted to unravel who she was beneath the reluctance and shy hesitance.

So she clung to her loneliness that was masked under the guise of solitude. Like it had been a choice to remain alone because it was a much better thought to accept than the truth! The truth that said she was just lonely, wanting, waiting and craving for company.

For acceptance. For one person who would look at her and stay.

Not necessarily romantically. Not necessarily in a platonic sense.

Just someone who would stay. 
_

"Since when have you lived here?" Tara asks Ila curiously, leaning against the base of the tree.

"It's just been 3 years since I moved here. I was put up in London for about 5 years before I moved back here" she adds, a melancholia lingering in her gaze.

For a moment Tara says nothing, just continuing to gaze at Ila who was yet to come back from where her memory had taken her, down a bittersweet lane she wasn't currently going to frequent again.

And that moment suffices for Ila shakes her head and come back. Looking at Tara, she poses back her question to her.

"It's been 6 years since we moved here. We used to live in Bangalore before"

Ila nods and then in a bid to continue their conversation asks

"Is Bangalore better or here? Which is your favourite?"

"Well I can't exactly say which is better and I love both places. Bangalore was home and it shall always be home. Some of my best memories were made there. But here, this is solace. A weird bittersweet solace but solace nonetheless!"

Ila nods understandingly.

"What about you? Which is better - London or here?" Tara asks

"Here" Ila says without a beat of hesitation and remains silent after, unwilling to add on more to her reply.

Tara reaches out and pats her hand. It's a brief gesture of understanding, of acknowledging that Ila wouldn't be pressured to share anything she might not be willing to and that Tara will always be there if she ever wants to. It's a brief touch, one that doesn't linger because despite the need for assurance to be given, there is still a hesitant uncertainty within her that isn't sure if her touch is welcome or not as it is technically her first social interaction in ages.

Ila gives her a smile, an acceptance of the gesture and a gratefulness for it.

They slip back to their usual bouts of silence in between bits of conversations, content in it.
_

In the wake of finding a friend, the silences of loneliness slowly give way to glimpses of the shades of it. Like how silence can be calming and bring in a contentment because it is shared with a person. In the span of a bare few conversations, she has given herself over to the hands of a stranger she knows little about.

Because the craving for words is abated with her. Because she is the first person who keeps coming back here, who pays attention to whatever minimal things they talk about. Even if it is mundane. Even if it is trivial.

Because Ila stays and suddenly it feels like a stranger no more!
_

The radio between them plays a melliflous song that has been her favourite since she first heard it. From a girl who first learnt words and began to see worlds in them to the woman who cherished the essence of wisdom and symbolism within lyrics, there is a reason she always gravitates towards songs whose lyrics resonate with her, even if they do not personally depict her situation. That is not to say she hasn't listened to feel good songs that do not necessarily shine in the lyrics front before and loved them just the same. Yet it is these melodies of golden years of Hindi cinema that pull her back with their gravity.

Chingari koi bhadke
Toh saawan use bujhaye
Sawan jo agan lagaye
Use kaun bujhaye

(When a spark flares,
rain extinguishes it
But when the rain itself starts a fire,
who can extinguish it?)

(Song from the movie Amar Prem)

"How can rain that vanquishes fire , give rise to those very flames instead?"

"Calm is meant to counter chaos. Empathy is meant to conquer apathy. But sometimes, it is calm that summons chaos, empathy that takes and takes till the point of apathy! Because what is considered negative does not necessarily originate from negative or empower itself because of it! Because what sustains can bring about destruction as well.  Like love that is meant to nurture can destroy instead, a wait meant to endure can falter instead and a hope meant to blossom can also wither instead! "

"That is indeed a wise perspective to have and a wonderful answer. Every time I listened to this song, I have tried to decipher it. Sometimes it would dawn on me as an interpretation that says how everything is dual in its core, made of light and dark in its constituent essence, entwined in the fundamental concept of balance that cherishes and vanquishes in equal measure. Sometimes I would think it also says how what makes it will be what can completely break it. Sometimes it would seem like a metaphor for people and the ties we have with them. When we associate love, respect in relationships with them, be it of any kind and that gives them as much power to vanquish as much as cherish! Different words that seem so similar yet portray aspects of it!" All of it comes pouring out of her like a flood of water eased by the opening of its gates. Having been unheard for so long, a listening ear is a siren's call that she fails to be immune to.

"You are really so passionate about this" Ila tells her, a twinkle in her eyes. 

Tara blushes, instant embarassment flushing her cheeks. Despite being an adult, she had just babbled off about her views like a blithering baboon, as if she were the next incoming of pure wisdom, all over one song. God who blurts out what can be written for a literature dissertation in a casual conversation?

"Oh I'm sorry my words escaped my tongue in a flow. What I meant to say was your answer added one more perspective to it, that's it!" she says, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear in diffidence.

"Oh it is nothing to be embarrassed or sorry about! It is seriously so refreshing to see somebody so passionate about something so simple as song lyrics! I thought I was the only one" Ila says, patting Tara's hand in a similar gesture as she had first imparted the previous day.

Tara smiles, feeling a little better. Maybe it was not all that bad if Ila hadn't presumed her to be an idiot!

WC excluding song lyrics and translation: 1253

Love,
Pratyusha