"Loving someone is giving them the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to."

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Swara slowly led Sanskaar towards the bed and laid him down carefully.She noticed he was still in his shoes.About to go, to take them off she halted as she felt his warm hold around her wrist and turned back . Still in semi conscious state yet his eyes were open for her to read and like always, he didn't have to say a word ..

He was scared .. scared she would leave..and he didn't want her to . There was an unspoken plea and her heart went out for the vulnerability reflected in his eyes.Why is that in love we always give other person power to destroy us,that too willingly .May be it's the trust , they would never do so ..and he did trust her.

That's when Swara realised with a jolt, the power she held on his heart . She could make him or break him and she broke him ..into pieces .Swara quickly wiped off tear that slid down her cheek and settled next to him " Main yahi hoon Sanskaar," she said softly, her hand holding his in assurance. Turning side wards Sanskaar buried his face in her lap seeking the solace.

"Tum mujhe chodkar nahi jaoge na Swara," he mumbled his voice still jeered with a hint of pain.

"Nahi," her fingertips softly ran through his hair

"Tum mere saath raho gena Swara... he asked drawing comfort from warm touch of her fingers .He wanted to hear her say..

About to answer , Swara paused as she heard him further " Hamesha?" he asked and her fingers halted.She can't.False promises are the last ones he needed right now . She had caused him enough damage ..not any more. Sanskaar raised his heavy drowsy eyes to look at her .She didn't answer.. And that scared him.She wouldn't leave him again ..no,he wouldn't let her .

Swara quickly gained back her composure. He is waiting for an answer. She held back tears and brought a smile on her face, "Main tumhare saath hoon Sanskaar,"her fingers lightly traced roots of his hair .Their eyes held each other, his eyes still spelled out apprehension and fear .She can't say 'Hamesha' but at this moment she is with him. Swara lowered her head a little , pressed a gentle kiss on his forehead. And his eyes closed involuntarily letting out of gentle sigh.

"Goodnight," She whispered softly ,as softly as caress. He held her hand trying to assure himself ,one last time ..that this is no dream. Soon his breath evened out.. And he slipped into a peaceful slumber ,weeks after .

Swara looked at their joined hands for long .Her eyes quickly went around the room .Her photographs. She was laughing in one of them,pouting in another, holding guitar in other ...each photograph reflected a shade of her, then there were few more ..on table, one from their picnic with kids and Sanskaar, one straight after a match from ground and many Swara smiled.Memories

Right from the time Sanskaar stepped in with his camera , they have clicked scores of pictures every single day.He probably would have had hundred's, for that case thousands of their pictures .. and picking the best of them.. couldn't have been an easy task

It was not . Because he loved every single picture of her and of them . It took him couple of days to finalize the pictures to be framed .He would have loved to get every photograph framed if not for ayesha .." Mr. Sanskaar , you have to choose few ..I know you love everyone of them ..but the space will be cramped." Seeing a point he nodded . On pretext of choosing ,he had been through every folder couple of times ..and every time he would get lost and stare at Swara's photo for hours, only to realise he had not yet finalised. He would smile at himself and resume back but undoubtedly one photograph was his favourite of all.. he knew Swara would love it too .

Her eyes lingered on same photograph for long .. before her mind drifted back to memories that picture held.

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"Ji Nahi .. "Swara stomped her feet " Pehle main aayi hoon aaj bhi, tum se pehle bhi .. tho angel phele mere godh main aayegi."

"Excuse me, Miss Swara Bose .. ..baat first ya second ki nahi hain , Baat ye ki Angel ka fav kaun hain .. aur woh kaun hain?"Sanskaar raised his eyebrows and looked around kids sprawled across them " Bachcho ..zara batavo. Apni didi ko"

"Sanskaar bhaiyaa,". Answer came unanimously..and Sanskaar smiled at that cute pout on Swara's lips which he always found utterly adorable.

Swara shot a mock glare " Ok Fine ".. she settled on church steps stealing glances at Sanskaar who raised his hands in victory and reached out to angel in sister's Nancy's hand.

Sister Nancy who had been smiling watching fight between Sanskaar and Swara gently handled Angel to Sanskaar and left smiling little more at how these two sometimes turned into kids themselves.

"My Angel .. come come .. "Sanskaar took Baby Angel into his arms.With a huge grin on his face..how cute did he look .He still had that boyish charm and many times he left her wondered with his two facets of being successful business persona and a wonderful human being with a heart of gold.

As she watched both of them ,cute angel bubbling with laughter as Sanskaar made faces ..her lips curved upwards .They just looked perfect.

Sanskaar caught her smiling and rushed back "Tum phir se aise mysterious smiles de rahi ho..baat kya hain? "he asked passing Angel to Swara as she stretched her arms.

"Kyu? Ache nahi lagte tumhe ? "Swara questioned back casually

There was a minute of silence ...

"I love every smile of yours Swara, "his voice caressed her like soft breeze and a look into his eyes, she forget to breath for a minute. Hearts sped by a beat and there was a shift of air ,of sweet ache in heart .In his eyes ..there was a reflection of something deep, potent and she didn't want to read them any further. "Tum bhi na Sanskaar,"She quickly averted her eyes back to Angel. Sanskaar considered her for a while in silence .That was during the time, he deiced he would no longer fight his feelings for Swara and wished she could see in his eyes what he felt for her. Brushing aside thoughts he settled next to her and very soon they got busy playing with angel. He had no clue which kid clicked pic ...but it was one moment when both held baby angel in their arms. His hand wrapped around Swara , they were smiling at each other , a perfect kodak moment.

When Sanskaar came across the picture for first time..His heart ached with joy and he knew this is what he wanted..this is what he dreamt of ..a little family filled with love and laughter with two angels of his life and this is going as center piece, he decided.No words would be needed, for that picture alone spoke hundreds of them.

And he knew Swara would understand his every unsaid word and every dream he held for them. And she did .

Swara felt same unnamed emotions sweeping her over .. an ache of joy for what it could have been and an ache of loss for what it is ...Her fate had been already sealed and it all started a day ...

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It started with discomfort in her stomach ..followed by heartburn. Dismissed it, might be because of acid reflux she opted for antacid gel .Very soon as she started experiencing nausea loss of appetite and pain in her stomach..she had to meet doctor.

" Might be a case of ulcer but let's get some tests done " Doctor suggested..and she had no clue those reports would change her life completely.The diagnosis turned out to be of stomach cancer- Stage 3. Sekhar stood shocked as he heard doctor .He dropped on his way back home to collect shona's reports and now this news of ..

" Stage 3? Doctor ye aap kya keh raha hain..lekin cancer early stages main bhi detect kiya jaa sakta hainA ..?" Sekhar looked shaken to the core. His Shona ..No

"Dekhiye Mr.Sekhar ,one of the biggest dangers of stomach cancer is the difficulty of diagnosing it. Since stomach cancer usually doesn't cause any early symptoms, it often goes undiagnosed until after it spreads to other parts of the body, making it more difficult to treat.We can treat it ,but cure ..I don't think so ,but we can try ..I mean surgery, chemotherapy or radiation lekin ..."Doctor paused

"Lekin kya doctor?" Sekhar asked dreading

"Woh .."Doctor looked troubled . This is one part he hated about his work.Breaking bad news to the patients and their loved ones.How Much ever they might try to sugarcoat saying 'we would try our best'..truth cannot be overridden. "Mr.Sekhar ,Chances of survival are less than 14% ..treatment ke baad bhi ..maximum life shell hoga 3 to 5 years ..not more than that," he stated bluntly.

Sekhar silently rose and walked out. First it was his dad who had been victim of this cancer and now his daughter just in her 20's and have whole life before her.Does fate had to be so cruel. What is he gonna tell Sharmistha and Swara..but he have to , how much ever painful it might be , he have to ,he would

Silence descended as Swara heard her Baba. All this while he gently held her hand , she could see he is holding back his tears too, trying to be strong for her. She glanced at her mother who sank down lifelessly with tears in her eyes shaking her head in denial "Aisa nahi ho sakta Sekhar ..kuch galti huyi hogi .. ek baar phir se.."

Sekhar recalled Doctor's words " Aap chahe tho second option le sakte hain ..lekin reports wahi kahenge, Jo Sach Hain."

"Nahi Mysti ..woh .."

Swara simply got up and walked to her room. Sekhar held Sharmistha hand as she tried to stop Swara " Give her sometime Mysti .. she needs it," and he was right .It took more than 2 weeks for Swara to come in terms with her health condition . First there was shock , then the denial mode, moments of breakdown and finally she made peace with the fact.

At the age of 10 , she had lost her grandpa over same. She had seen him suffer ,the painful process of treatment, had been witness of turmoil her family went through, hanging between hope and despair..and one day he left them just like that. Her nana ..who she loved the most, her best friend, confidant ,her partner in crimes , Nana, Nana..she rushed to him after school Meri pyaari gudiya' he called her.

It took months for their family to re cope and return to normal life but very soon they were hit by another loss . Sekhar's mom couldn't take pain of her husband's death ..and soon she too passed away .In a gap of 2 years Swara lost two of her most loved family members ,and that left a strong impression on her. Years passed and now .

Gloom already descended Gadodia house, the cheer and laughter taken over by sadness as if happiness had been robbed off ..and she soon know the events that would follow .It would be nothing but misery for her parents to watch her go through the painful process..knowing she might not be able to make it at end ..though she did, her death would be inevitable sooner or later. That's when she decided leave Kolkata and shift to Mumbai.

She did an extensive research about treatment options available, their side effects and she didn't want to go through any of them. A year or two less of life without treatment, better than all the pain and suffering that would be induced. But she read about Palliative care' - a specialized medical care for people with life-limiting illnesses which focuses on providing people with relief from the symptoms, pain, physical stress, and mental stress of the terminal diagnosis. She zeroed in few hospitals and cancer care foundations which provide such care in Mumbai.

Her choice met with vehement protest from Sekhar and Sharmistha but Swara was adamant ."Aise bhaagte nahi beta ..kya pata theek ho jaoge tho..treatment lene se, " Sharmistha tried.

"Nahi Maa...Baagh nahi rahi hoon .. Ye mera tarika hain iss se deal karne ka .. please maa..Please baba,"Swara pleaded.

And that's how Swara set her journey to Mumbai. There were times when she felt all alone in initial days , cried her heart out , wanted to rush back to her parents, but she held back and very soon ..it became a way of life. She joined a cancer care foundation ..and that helped her deal with the physical and emotional effects of cancer, but what changed her life was association with little flowers where there was life laughter , cheerfulness..and soon kids become part of her life who made her forget the truth momentarily.She planned her sessions as per college schedule and her time with little flowers ...everything would have gone the way it was planned only if he didn't walk in that day ...Sanskaar

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Swara wiped her tears ..Why did they have to meet, become friends , Why did he seep into her life and become an inseparable piece of her and why did he love her ..why her? She smiled sadly .. How ironic !She didn't have any right to fall in love but she did.Is this one cruel game of destiny ?If they were never destined to be together ..then why did their paths cross.If they could have just stayed friends things would have been much easier.Why did they have to lose their heart to each other..and above all why Sanskaar ?When he has life before him..a long one.

All she could leave him with is life long misery and pain whether she lived or died. All she wanted was to save him from the pain, but she ended up giving him so much pain. If her blatant lie of not loving him can push him to such a state..she feared what her truth would lead to.But 'enough is enough' Swara told herself determinedly ..he should know .. may be that would lead him away from her .. she knew the answer ...but for his sake she wished it would

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Swara ...

Sanskaar woke up startled breathing heavily ..his forehead dewed with sweat She was here last night ..His swara was here.She had come for him.He vividly recalled last night events .It can't be a dream ..

Swara ..

He looked around frantically . ...but she was nowhere seen .His head pounded badly but he ignored and rushed out of room .. Swara ..Swara ..he rushed into every room trying to find her ..how much ever vivid it may be .. he knew she was here and she can't leave him ..not this time.

Swara .. he called for one last time halted as he turned towards entrance . There she was. Relief washed over him .Not saying a word he rushed to her ..Next minute Swara found herself engulfed in his embrace. He held her like he never wanted to let her go..never. Her one hand gently wrapped around him and Sanskaar smiled. It was real .

Sanskaar..

Her words jolted him and he stepped back,"Woh .. Main darr gaya tha ..ki ..tum.. he tried finding the words to tell her the dread he just faced . He didn't have to say .He was scared again ..and she felt it.

"Woh..kuch samaan lena tha iss liye ..tum jaake fresh hojavo .. main kuch banati hoon " she made her way into kitchen. Sanskaar simply nodded.

Sanskaar stepped out of the bedroom and sight before him was something straight out of his dreams.. He is in their dream house .. with Swara who at this moment is in kitchen busy preparing..he had no clue what .. breakfast?doesn't matter .. she is with him .That's all matters now.He slowly walked up to kitchen counter which drew Swara's attention towards him .

Silently she placed a cup in this hand " Black tea hain peelo .. "and got back to whisking of eggs."Woh Kitchen main jyada kuch nahi tha ..issliye I got some eggs and bread, she told "woh omelette bana rahi hoon aur bread toast bhi ..aur kuch chahiye toh bata dena," she said checking toaster. How many times he would have envisioned this.

"Sanskaar ... peelo,"her words jolted him back and he took few quick sips "shayad isse se tumhara raat ka hangover utar jaaye.. Ek se kaam nahi hoga tho .. do chaar cup aur de dungi."She voiced out her clear disapproval on his drunk state.

The whole situation felt amusing for Sanskaar..like a typical couple where wife would be angry with husband ..but still her love and care could be felt. Last night his state was pretty bad..and her anger was evidently visible over the same.

"Gussa ho?" he asked

And that triggered Swara .Last night the state she found him ..it still was fresh in her memory.How could he do this to himself , ruin himself and that too for her , who broke his heart.

"Nahi Sanskaar ..Main tho bahut khush hoon.kal raat tum mujhe jiss haalat main mile ho na .. khushi se paagal hogayi main .. waise achi tarika dhoondha hain tumne mujhse badla lene ka."

"Kya keh kar rahi ho tum Swara?" Sanskaar asked not getting her meaning.

"Sahi toh keh rahi hoon Sanskaar ..apni aap ko aise barbaad karke kya saabit karna chahe tho tum ," she charged at him "haalat dekhi hain apni ..aur ye sab kyu ..issliye kyunki maine naa kaha ..ek ladki ne naa kaha ..tho zindagi khatam hogayi kya? "She desperately wanted to make him see the sense..if she could ,without letting him know the bitter truth. She waited for an answer.

Sanskaar answered back in a sure and calm tone "Kyunki woh ladki aur meri zindagi alag nahi hain,"he stepped forward closing the distance between them by inch,his hands held her captive in gentle hold just like his eyes. "You are my life Swara." he stated simple and firm . Swara jerked back . She didn't want to look into his eyes for one more second ..they would weaken her resolve.

"Kyu mere aane se pehle tumhari koi zindagi nahi thi?". She countered him. She wished she never walked into his life ..it would have been good for him in fact may be best .

Sanskaar considered her for a while .It would be wrong to say he didn't have a life before . He had one ..one which his dad dreamt of him, the bouts of unrest he felt, like something was missing in his life ..how he couldn't figure it out, brushed it off and would get on with his business life .

Then she walked in ..filling the gaps in his life. She was missing piece in his life .If someone would ask him he would divide his life as before Swara and after Swara ..that's what she did to him .. she completed him in every way.

"Tha Swara .. Tumare aane se pehle meri zindagi tha .. aur main khush bhi tha .. atleast I use to think ki main khush tha .. phir tum aayi aur sab kuch badalgaya," his eyes softened just like his voice as he recalled their moments

" woh jo chote chote pal jo main tumhare saath bitaye ..uske baad mujhe ehsaas hua ki main kitna adhura tha..Tumne mujhe poora kiya hain Swara..tumne ..Jab tak iss adhoorepan ka ehsaas nahi tha , teek tha,"he stepped back " tumhare saath apne aap ko jod kar khud ko poora mehsoos kiya hain maine ,lekin ab nahi ho payega Swara," he declared,"phir se woh adhurapan bardaash nahi ho raha hain mujhse ..aur rahi baat peene ki ..haan pee raha tha main," he admitted "jaanti ho kyu ? he stepped forward closing distance between them, he took her hand and placed it on his heart " jab tumhe mujhse kaha ki tum mujhse .." he didn't want to recall that moment "itna dard hua tha mujhe ,..Yaha ..yaha par ," he pointed at his heart," samaj nahi aa raha tha ki kya karoon, kaise handle karu..iss liye main."

Tears trickled down Swara's cheeks .She had given him so much pain that he couldn't handle and resorted to drinking.

"Ye jo meri dhadkhan haina,"he slightly pressed her hand on his heart"Paaglon ki tarah Swara Swara kehta reh tha hain .. meri har saans jaise tumhari naam se chal rahi hain Swara ..jaise Sanskaar ki zindagi main Sanskaar ke liye koi jagah hi nahi .. sirf Swara hain Swara. Tumhe pata hain jab tum mere saath nahi thi .. meri kya haalat hogayi ..paagal hogaya tha main..kuch samaj nahi aaraha tha mujhe. Bahut pyaar karta hoon main tumse Swara ..itna pyaar ki , Tumhare bina saans nahi liya jaata mujhse ..tumhare bina har dhadkhan takleef deti hain mujhe ,tumhare bina jiya huya ek ek pal maut se kam nahi hain mere liye. Tears rolled down his cheek "Nahi jeesakta tumhare bina Swara ,I love you ..and I know you love me too..phir kyu ? Kyu swara..kyu?"

Swara stood stunned and silence ruled momentarily.Time froze as they stood facing each other, their faces an inch away,breaths ready to mingle .She wanted to run away from his questions , from his eyes which spelled out such potent love, his heart beat which thumped against her hand, his every breath that caressed her face.. She wanted to run away from him but she couldn't move an inch and stood helplessly as his fingers trailed across her cheeks, held them, warmly, and they closed with sigh as he wiped off tears gently .

" Aaj kehdo Swara," he mumbled pressing his forehead to hers "Itna bhi tadpaavo mat ki jiya nahi jaata.. Ek baar kehdo ki tum .. his voice pleaded that tugged her heart. .She had been trying to fight her feelings off , pushing him away and her every failed attempt just brought her close to intensity of his love.How can someone love a person so much..so much it leaves you helpless. She could take it no longer .She didn't have strength to fight him any more and she didn't want to . She don't know what future held for her , what fate planned for them but at this moment nothing mattered to her .She lifted at her face , gazed into his eyes ..there was hope lingering in them and the same love for her .Her hands feathered his cheeks lightly.

Yes or no either way she's gonna ruin him. She told him a lie ..and now she would tell him the truth.. Truth she had been running away...

"I love you Sanskaar .."she whispered softly.

Her soft voiced echoed in silence of room and in his heart, which thrummed a beat pouring life back into him.. those words he had been dying to hear, those words, for which he could die thousand deaths.Tears streamed out of his eyes..

Those 3 words .

He had waited so long, so long for her to say.. And now when she said he wanted to hear them again

"Phir se kaho.. Ek baar ..ki . his voice trailed off as he tried to tell her to say those words again. .. but he didn't have to say a word ,his eyes said it all.

I love you Sanskaar .her voice whispered again and before he could ask she leaned closer ,pressing her lips on his . Time Froze.

And Then His every question was answered , His every plea was heard.

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contd..