Max

Yesterday was a blur.

Today is a blur.

The last hour in homeroom was a complete fucking blur.

Okay, yesterday was not actually a blur. Not all of it at least. It started out really freaking good. Spending the day watching Liv smile, really, truly smile, was a dream I never want to wake up from.

She's seen the dips and valleys that life can generate far before she should have ever had to know they existed. And yet somehow, she's still coming out on top. She's still able to smile, to work toward her dreams, and to be so damn perfect when she does it.

And then I gave her the gift.

I saw my mom writing one day. Something I had seen so many times, but that day was different. She was quiet, peaceful as she sat along the pond, her pencil frantically moving across the page. She looked like she was encased in her own realm of reality, lost in her words. Something that I had witnessed with Liv so many times.

And it hit me. I've always known what Liv writes is more than words. I've known it without even getting a glimpse into that sealed notebook of hers. I can feel it. I can feel that those words deserve to be seen. They deserve to be heard.

And so, I had the book made with the view of the lake. The one place I know brings her calm and escape without fail. Letting her know her words would forever be safe inside and that she has the strength to share them when she's ready.

All I wanted was to show her that strength she has inside of her. To let her know I believe in her. But what I didn't expect was to let that moment turn into something else. Something more.

Looking at her, her halos glowing with an intensity I didn't just see, but I felt. I felt every ounce of the chain bound tightly to her locked gates fall open. I felt the slight patter of panic flit across her chest before dissolving into me. I felt the way her fingers held mine tighter, her breath catching as I searched her eyes. And I sure as hell felt the flush of heat ricochet across my rib cage the moment my lips just barely grazed hers.

And then Sam showed up.

The moment sailing from the two of us as her walls came slamming back up. How I wish I could rewind to that moment on the cliffs, to just me and her. Or the silence of the car when everything felt right, when her birthday was just a birthday. But I guess life doesn't offer itself up that way, all nice with a bow. Instead, Sam shared with Liv that her mom had passed. An overdose.

I haven't heard from her since.

It's been nearly twenty-four hours since I left her house. Since I left her to figure it all out. And all I've gotten is complete radio silence. I stayed up half the night staring out my window, hoping that maybe she'd sneak by. I spent the other half staring at the pond in my backyard, hoping maybe she'd look for her answers there. I sent one short text asking if she was okay, but I got nothing in response.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I was hoping school would be an answer. But she's not here. And that fact only makes me more nervous for what she might be going through right now.

"Hey, man," Aiden says, leaning up beside my locker as I reach for my math textbook. "I missed you at lunch today. Where were you?"

Aiden is the one friend in my life, aside from Liv, who doesn't bat an eye at the fact my dad is a retired NBA player. He's the only one to welcome me back to Lakeshore without stars in his eyes, the only one to give me shit when I need it.

"Yeah," I breathe out. "My dad wanted to work on some drills," I lie. The truth? I needed to breathe. To check my phone every second just waiting to hear back from Liv.

"That sucks," he says. "So, how's it going with you and Emily? You officially with her or what?" Emily is a senior, and by some goddamn miracle, she's interested in me. But after all that's transpired in the last twenty-four hours, she's the last thing on my mind.

My eyes fly past him, seeing Ryder's vibrant red hair flying down the hall. Great. Here we go. "No," I say, waiting for impact. "We aren't anything."

"That's not what she–"

"What the hell were you thinking?" Ryder's voice flies across the hall, cutting Aiden off as he turns to face her. She ignores him, her fiery gaze set on me.

A few eyes turn to take in the show, but Ryder ignores them all as she grabs my arm and pulls me into the closest set of doors, which just so happens to be the library. She keeps yanking, pulling me to the last row of books. I don't even try to fight it. If Ryder's pissed, it means she knows something. And if she knows something, that means she talked to Liv.

"How is she?" I ask as Ryder releases my arm.

"How is she?" she repeats my question. "You mean, how is she handling her mom overdosing or how is she dealing with the fact that you almost kissed her?"

So, she talked to Liv. That's a good sign, right?

"She talked to you?"

She laughs, but it's not necessarily on the scale of friendly. "Yes, she talked to me. I'm her best friend."

Ouch. And all I've gotten is silence.

"Is she okay?"

She lets out a breath, her shoulders falling as she slumps against the shelf. The heated anger she was wearing now drops to the floor as her eyes roll up to mine.

"She's confused," she says. "I don't think she knows what to feel." I just want to see her. To look at those halos of hers and know that she's okay. "And your little moment doesn't help any of this."

The pulse within my chest rattles my hands as I shake them out. "What do you mean?"

"Just say it, Max. You almost kissed her." Her words are hard, cold as she throws them my way.

My wall of defense slams into place as my hands fall against my sides. "What exactly do you want from me, Ryder? Yeah, I almost kissed her. We didn't. Moment over."

Moment not over. I know that. She knows that.

The fact that she stands and takes a step closer to me tells me just that. Her shoulders are pulled back now, her spine straight and confident as she saunters closer.

"Olivia isn't the type you just kiss in the moment when emotions are hot, Max."

"I know that. That's not what I meant," I exhale, regretting the defensive response I allowed to fly from my mouth.

"Do you? Because I'm pretty sure just last week you were asking Emily to prom and now you're attempting to kiss my best friend when she's vulnerable on her birthday?" She takes another step forward, her finger slamming into my chest. "The very day you and I both know she feels the most alone."

Shit. That's not what that was. Was it? Damn it. That's not what I intended it to be. But being that close to her, feeling her breath on mine, breathing her in, and fuck I really wanted to kiss her last night.

"Yeah," she states now, watching my eyes dance through the various emotions and concerns fleeting my mind. "So don't go giving me bullshit about you knowing that she's not that girl. And the next time you try to kiss her, because I know there will be a next time, make sure you can back it up with purpose, huh? That you're ready for it to mean something more than a heated moment."

She turns away from me then, taking three swift steps before leaving the aisle of books. She's right. My timing last night sucked. It was a vulnerable moment. I know that. I knew that. What I can't seem to figure out was if that's all it was.

***

I've carved a trail within the rug in front of my window. Liv never showed up at school, she never returned my text.

I don't know if I should be that friend that barges over, forcing myself into whatever tailspin she's in and attempt to pull her out. I don't know if I'm just supposed to sit back and wait for her to come to me.

I remember once in L.A., shortly after we moved, I had a really bad day. It was one of those days where nothing seemed to go right. I somehow managed to fail our math quiz, I know, math. The one subject I actually enjoy. Something was just off that day. I even made a critical error in my basketball game that night, turning the ball over in the final minute, leading to the other team getting that coveted game winning shot.

I don't know what it was about that day, but the part that sticks out the most was the feeling I had when I got home. The ache within my chest of just wanting to talk to her. To see those halos and let them make everything better. Because that's what she did for me all of those years ago. When my world began to crumble, Liv stood beside me, holding the pieces with me. And that's all I wanted. Someone to sit beside as it all began to fall to pieces.

A small flicker of movement catches my eyes, pulling my frantic pace to a sudden halt as my eyes desperately search the darkness. Search for her. A small shadow dances along the opposite side of the fence, moving slowly before coming to a stop.

She hesitates for a few seconds before dropping to the ground and leaning back against the fence between our yards. I don't know what she wants right now, but I do know what she needs. I take one breath before grabbing my jacket and running out back.

The chill of the darkened sky hits my face, but it doesn't slow my steps. I continue forward, hoping my presence isn't something she wants to run from. I take two more slow steps before reaching the fence, my eyes falling on the dark silhouette between the thin cracks.

I spin myself around, taking one more step back as I slide myself down the fence, her back against mine, separated by the wooden partition. I can hear the subtle catch in her breath, the one letting me know she's aware that I'm here with her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask quietly, my breath visibly sailing through the cold evening air.

She's quiet for a moment, the rustle of the trees filling the silence of the night.

"I don't have words to even begin," she whispers.

I press myself against the fence, straightening out and attempting to provide some tiny ounce of comfort from beyond the barrier.

"Did you get any more information from Sam?" I question, hoping that providing an answer will be easier than filling in the blanks to a story.

"No. Just that they found her in a hotel room. A freaking hotel room, Max," her voice breaks off, the pain and confusion holding onto her breaths. I want so badly to hop over this fence and hold her, but after last night, I don't know if that's what she needs right now.

"I don't know if she was alone when it happened, if it was an accident, or..." she trails off, the words nearly lost in the slight breeze and songs of the night sky.

"Liv..." I begin, at a loss for what to say next. I turn my body slightly, aching to just see her, to know exactly what she's feeling behind her guarded words.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do next," she continues. "They're cremating her this week. Sam is picking up the ashes. We're supposed to spread them at the lake. Sam said she would have wanted to be set free."

"And what do you want?"

She's quiet, the subtle chirp of a nearby cricket and the gentle trickle of the pond the only noise. "I want to be free," she admits. "I want to stop waiting for her to return, to be enough for her to want to return. I just want to close this chapter. Does that make me a horrible person?"

"No," I say, placing my hand along the fence as if she can actually feel the warmth of my touch. "I think it makes you human. She hurt you, Liv. It's okay to want to be free of that hurt."

Her breath is heavy, felt through the barrier of wood that separates us. "Thank you, Max. For being here. For knowing how much I needed you right now even when I ignored you all day, after–"

"Liv, I'll always be here. I'm never going to leave you. Not again."

She turns now, the shuffle of her body sliding against the grass as her shoulder hits the fence, her head resting along the plank beside me. "What scares me the most, is that I actually believe you."

"That shouldn't scare you, Liv," I reassure her. "And if it does, then I'm not doing my job right."

"Your job?" she questions, a smile clear within her voice. "How much do you get paid to make me feel safe, Max?"

My heart has this weird pinch, a skip in its steady beat. I know she's making a joke, playing on my words, but she said I make her feel safe. And that very concept has my heart doing that indescribable thing it does in her presence.

"You want the cliché, honest answer? Or are you looking for my usual playful challenge-filled comeback?"

She's quiet again. I can feel her straightening against the fence, her breaths falling a bit more heavily now.

"I think," she begins, pausing briefly to piece her words together. "I think I love it when you challenge me," she admits, resulting in a boyish smile across my face. "But I think right now I could really go for some honesty. Cliché and all."

My smile widens, this time heating my chest as I rest my head against the fence. "I get paid every time I see you smile. Each time you look at me the way you do, those bright green halos around your eyes lighting up the darkest of days. I get paid every time you hum along to a song I play or when you sit beside me on the dock, not saying a single word. I get paid every time you choose to spend your time with me. The boy next door who tried to hide away behind his hoodie."

There's this tiny weight that seems to be lifted off my chest. The very one that spun my heart into a frenzy as it left me. I can't even seem to breathe as I wait for her response. She's quiet. No subtle movements against the grass or heavy beats of her breath. Nothing.

"I was hiding too, Max," she says now, her voice still quiet yet holding strength. "It's how I knew to look for you. I don't think I'm the one who found you though, I think in all of that, you found me."

"We found each other, Liv. We always have."

I can see the tiny movement of her hand through the fence, and I watch as she reaches for a rogue flower beside her. She plucks it before she twirls it between her delicate fingers.

"I like that." She smiles, one I can actually see this time.

The thing is, I like it too. And I'm pretty sure, I like it a lot more than I should.