Max

My head hurts, my body is beginning to radiate a familiar ache as I slowly open my eyes. It's been two days since I saw Liv. Two days since I saw her leave with someone else, since I got some unsolicited cryptic message from Jordan.

It's why I left the house at dawn that next morning, hiked my ass to the top of the cliff...our cliff...and delivered Liv a set of her favorite wildflowers. A part of me wonders if they're still her favorite, a part of me knows they are.

It was her birthday, and despite the fact she has historically refused to acknowledge that fact, I wasn't about to ignore it too. She needed to know that. Know that I'm still thinking about her. And thanks to my brilliant sister, I was able to find the address to leave them at.

And then I bailed. Like a coward.

I haven't been back to the restaurant since. Again, coward. But I feel like I need to get my shit together, to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. And the fact I haven't heard a word from her since I left them at her door, has only added to my cowardly lion ways.

There's a quiet knock at my door followed by my sister and brother's nosy faces barging in. What was even the point of knocking if they were just going to enter anyway?

"Hey," Lily says. "We're headed to the lake in a few. You still coming?" Shit. That's right. I promised to help with some legendary sand castle Noah has planned. "Told you he forgot," my sister adds, her eyes on Noah's as she shakes her head.

"Wait, I didn't forget," I lie, rubbing a hand across my face. The prominent ache within my skull reminding me of the bottle of relief within my dresser drawer.

"Right," she adds. "That explains the whole still laying in bed thing, right?"

I open my mouth to argue when my phone begins to ring. I look down only to see Hal's name and quickly silence it. He's been calling since yesterday, but answering means remaining tethered to a life I'm trying desperately to escape from.

If only that damn ache within my head and the heat scratching my back weren't such a constant reminder of the very life I'm trying to avoid.

"It's okay if you have something better to do," my brother offers.

"No, it's not," Lily jumps back in. "He said he'd be there, he should be there."

"Look," I try to intervene but my phone begins to ring again. I click it off. "I did say I would go. I meant it. I'm going."

Lily's eyes widen as Noah lets out a quiet yes.

It's then that my phone rings again. I let out a huff before Lily mentions something about ten minutes. Before I know it, they've both left and I'm blankly staring at the name lighting up my screen.

It's the fifth time he's called me in the last hour, the tenth time since yesterday. As my chest begins to settle, I answer the call.

"Max, where have you been?"

"You know exactly where I am, Hal."

I can hear his frustrated breath through the phone before he speaks. "I'm here with Vivian too."

"Hi Max," she joins the conversation.

"Listen," Hal jumps back in. "I'm just going to get right to it. Do you have a scheduled time you plan to return?"

There's a smile somehow on my face at his comment as I begin to shake my head. "Not a fucking clue."

Another heavy sigh fills the speaker. "Max, we have an issue."

"Yeah, what's new? Look, I've kept my ass off the paparazzi's radar, both literally and metaphorically."

"Max." Vivian's turn. "The heartbreak story isn't holding."

"What the fuck does that mean?" My little bubble of bliss is becoming prematurely unstable.

"It means." Hal is back at the plate. "People are questioning if this is a coverup for another rehab stunt."

My eyes roll back to the ceiling. "So, fix it. That's what I pay you two for."

"It's not that easy. The label is getting involved."

I sit up now, pushing myself up against the headboard. "And why the fuck do they care?"

"Because. You canceled two shows, Max. And they don't have a clear answer as to why."

My head fucking hurts. "I thought you handled it."

"We did. But you've been gone for almost three weeks. And we've heard nothing. They're finding it hard to believe this is all some heartbreak bullshit."

I run my hand down my face, trying to process what the hell all of this means. "Cut to the damn chase, Hal."

"They need a statement from you."

"No."

"Max–"

"I said, no, Hal. I'm not giving a fucking statement."

"Max," Vivian's soothing voice comes back across the phone. "They're giving you options."

I stay quiet, letting my head fall back as my eyes roll closed.

Hal continues with said options, "They need you to either make a statement that you're in rehab, trying to get help, or..." Not gonna fucking happen. "Or they need you to release a new single."

"Fuck, Hal!" My head shoots up, the grip on my phone tightening.

"Listen, I know you're going through some stuff. I think using rehab will allow you to stay away longer and not have to worry about the added stress of producing a hit."

"I'm not making another goddamn rehab statement."

"Max–"

"No!" I'm yelling now. They don't deserve it, but someone is going to hear me. "Every time I've gone to rehab it was for the label, or the band, or the fans. It's always been about proving myself to some godforsaken entity. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not burdening myself with another weighted set of expectations. I'm not doing it, Hal."

"Okay," he quickly agrees. "No rehab. Which means–"

"They need a fucking song. By when?"

"A week."

"Are you kidding me?"

"I know. I can probably get you another week or two beyond that if you give me something else to work with."

This is why I walked away, why I finally agreed to return home. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of never catching a break, of feeling like I'm drowning and no one is around to save me.

"Tell them I'm dealing with family shit. I don't care what it is, just give them something and buy me a month."

"I can spin something," Vivian reassures me.

"And I'll see how much time I can get you," Hall adds.

"A month," I repeat.

"I can't make that promise, Max. Not without something they can work with."

"Then spin a good fucking story, Viv."

"Max–"

"Gotta go," I interrupt. "Gotta write a miracle song, remember?"

With that, I end the call. My life is one spiraling mess after another. I just want it all to stop. Stop reminding me that I'm alone, that I'm a goddamn puppet.

I shift my gaze to my dresser, the one I've been trying desperately to avoid. But it's all so fucking loud. Without a second thought, I tear open the drawer, pop open the cap, and let the source of my relief slide down my throat.

***

An intricately detailed sand castle stands partially built in front of me. Noah engineered a plan for a massive project. I'm not kidding, this plan is covered in detailed labels and measurements meant to guarantee success.

So here I am. Sitting in the heat of the day, sweat working its way across my back, sand stuck to nearly every inch of me, and a smile plastered to my damn face since the moment I got here. Wish I could say I was also completely sober, but it's not that easy.

I am getting better. I'm using less, only enough to ease the shakes and pains that appear when the stretches of time have been pulled too far.

Even though there's still a numbing relief radiating my body at the moment, a superficial answer to the fucked up path I chose to take, there's also a light.

Being home, it's doing something to me. It's allowing me to breathe again, to peek my head above the surface and take in the beauty around me. My body might still be buried, but I'm breathing again.

"I think we're going to be here all day," Lily exhales as she reaches for a fresh bucket of perfectly ratioed sand.

I reach for a shovel, leveling out the top to the exact measurements on the blueprints my brother so intricately layed out for us. Yes, I even have a ruler to check my accuracy. "I think we can make it happen." I wipe my arm across my forehead, feeling the layer of sweat from the midday heat.

"I think this one was too much, Noah," she ignores my attempt at optimism as she sits back on her heels.

"It's not too much," Noah speaks up.

"We're barely halfway done and we've already been at this for three hours. That's too much."

"It's approximately one in the afternoon. By your calculations of barely halfway done, I would say that has us finishing before the sun even begins to set. A day's project is not too much. Just takes a little grit and determination."

Kid has a point.

"I didn't plan on spending an entire day building a sand castle, Noah. We're leaving for Florida tomorrow, and I had other plans for today." Her eyes peer over my shoulder, and I can't help but follow her line of sight. A small group of kids around her age appear to be gathering, laying towels down on the sand.

Thing is, my family planned a trip to Florida months ago, well before I ambushed them with my presence. Lily has a volleyball tournament in Orlando, and being so close to Disney World, they decided to make a whole vacation of it. I don't actually mind that they're leaving for the next two weeks. It will give me some time to clear my head.

"You can go hang with your friends, Lil," I pull her eyes back over to mine, "Noah and I can handle this."

Her gaze lingers on mine, a sense of uncertainty landing behind her eyes. She then shifts her attention to Noah as he stays lasered in on the project at hand. There's a protectiveness around her, a guardian badge glowing on her chest.

"No," she blurts out on a frustrated sigh as she settles back in, grabbing the bucket of sand and continuing her portion. "I promised Noah we'd build a sand castle today."

We continue with our mission, everyone focused on their assignment as the sun continues to beat down on our backs. I've managed to lose my shirt and Lily has begun working in a bathing suit that I'm questioning how my parents agreed to buying. I tried more than once to conveniently throw her shirt back at her but the roll of her eyes was enough to tell me I'm not winning this battle.

We've made some serious headway though. This thing is massive and Noah's thorough plans have given each of us a very specific job. With three sets of hands on deck and me actually getting the hang of this, I think we might be a lot closer to finishing than I originally thought.

"Olivia!"

My body ignites, the sound of her name lighting up every corner of my head as I quickly search for her. My sister is already on her feet, waving her arms like crazy. She's pretty much nailing the exact depiction of what my heart is doing at the moment.

As soon as I catch a glimpse of her, my chest does this thing. The one it always does for her. It tightens before my heart finds a whole new rhythm. I've always known it was there. I've known it only beats that way for her, but I didn't realize how much I've craved its erratic yet steady beat across my ribcage. It's home.

There's a bright smile on Liv's face as she sees my sister. It's an honest smile, one that brings me back to before. To a time I used to bring that smile to her face. She hasn't quite scanned the whole scene yet. She hasn't taken in the fact that I'm here too. And the fact that her eyes stay glued to my sister as she saunters our way confirms she doesn't know I'm here.

My first interaction with her wasn't horrible. In all honesty, I expected a lot more anger and hostility from her. In some ways, it's been a relief to be able to just fall into a sense of familiarity with her. On the other hand, it's had me spinning, wondering if the lack of lingering anger is a result of her moving on. Which in a lot of ways she has. Jordan's words still burn a hole in my damn chest.

"Noah's got us really working hard for this one!" Lily nearly shouts as she takes a few strides in Liv's direction.

I take a moment to shield my eyes beneath the brim of my hat. A moment just to take her in. She's so damn beautiful. Her tanned legs peek out of a pair of black shorts, the definition of muscle tensing with every step through the sand. She's always been fit, but fuck if she hasn't gotten more perfect. There's more of a curve to her hips now, a more defined shape to enunciate the passing of time, of age. It suits her. Fills her out to complete molded perfection and I think I just lost the ability to swallow.

"You know," my brother cuts in beside me. "Swallowing is an unconscious act. The salivary gland doesn't stop producing saliva, and if you don't swallow it, it's bound to find a way out. Better to keep it in then look like a dog. Unless that's the look you're going for."

I nearly choke on said build up of drool as my eyes flash to my brother. His gaze is still intently placed on the masterpiece in front of him. Clearly he's taking note of his surroundings though.

"Thanks for the tip." I nod back at him before grabbing the plastic shovel and tossing it his way.

He dodges it, hands not flinching a single bit as he perfectly shaves away any uneven portions of the wall he's crafting.

"If it makes you feel any better," he begins. "I think she needs the same advice."

My eyes fly back behind me. My sister's hands are swinging through the air, expressively telling some story, but I can't catch a single word of it. All I can seem to focus on is the fact that Liv's eyes are on me. She's scanning the bare skin of my torso, and fuck if it isn't causing the cocky asshole inside of me to puff his chest.

But then her eyes find mine. They lock on for the briefest moment before she tears them away. And that's when I cower away, when my chest falls heavy.

Her eyes land on the sand in front of us before lighting up and shooting toward my brother. "Wow, Noah, this one is really truly amazing."

"That's because each time we build, we're tweaking past mistakes. We're learning from every experiment and redesigning without flaw. Of course, perfection is not a reality," Noah confirms with us all, though I highly beg to differ as my eyes glance to the golden brown flow of hair beside me.

"Perfection is a fantasy," he continues. Now that, I can agree with. A fucking fantasy she is. "But it's not logically attainable."

"Speak for yourself," Lily pops a hip, flipping her hair back as both Liv and I let out a laugh. Our eyes meet, our smiles mirroring one another before she pulls her halos from me.

"I don't know, Noah," Liv's voice fills the space between us. "Your sister here has a point."

"She's not perfect." He shakes his head and I can't help but laugh.

"Take that back you turd!" Lily shouts before throwing a glare my way.

I honestly wish I weren't laughing, but my brother's blunt honesty can be true gold sometimes.

"Can't." He shrugs.

"It's not funny!" She looks straight at me as I throw my hands up in surrender.

"I'm not agreeing."

"Your laughter is agreeing for you."

She kind of has a point but I truly can't help it.

"Whatever," she huffs before leaning down and swiping up a pail. "I'm getting more water."

"Eight to–"

"I know!" Lily shouts over her shoulder. "I've only been helping you every weekend since the snow melted."

"It's never a mistake to be thorough," Noah mutters back.

Damn, I miss this. I mean, in all technicalities, I never even had it. Is it fair to miss something you never had?

"We could actually use your design expertise," Noah interrupts my train of thought as he nods toward Liv. "That corner there is just about ready for the details. If you have some time to show my brother how to carve into the sand that would be a huge help. I don't think I can trust him with such a task on his first day."

My hand clings to my chest, the pure shock in his lack of confidence in me nearly knocking me over in dramatic flair. "What? I'm honestly offended. I've nailed this side. And with these immaculate plans, how could I go wrong?"

"Is this one of those rhetorical questions, or do you actually want an answer?" he asks, lifting his eyes from the sand in front of him as he narrows them my way, legitimately asking if I want some of the blunt honesty passed my way.

"Let's go with rhetorical."

He nods, eyes back on his work. "So, can you help?"

Liv pauses, my eyes fight to stay in front of me. I know why she's hesitating. I know why she's feeling a sudden sense of discomfort. I just wish I wasn't the reason for it.

"Um..." I notice the way her body turns, her attention clinging to the restaurant behind us. I'm sure her mind is racing with potential excuses to bail. And then her eyes land on me. I can feel them without having to look up. "Yeah, I can spare a few minutes."

Her response has my chest splitting in two. She hesitated. She's clearly not comfortable, nor does she actually want to be here. But she is. And that's confusing as all fucking hell. I don't know whether to act like the past didn't happen, to pretend like we can just occupy the same space like we did at the bar when I first saw her.

I let my heart settle, to relax behind its rigid walls as she grabs a small scalpel. Her hands delicately reach for the edge, ever so slightly carving into the side. I can't help but watch in awe at her patience and focus. She knows exactly what she's doing, and that right there tells me she's been doing this a lot.

My eyes instinctively fall to the bronzed skin of her arms, taking note in the time she's spent outside lately. Her hair is pulled back slightly, but there's still a stubborn piece falling in front of her eyes. It's the very one that plays with me, teases me to reach out and brush it away like I always have.

"Thank you, by the way," Liv says, her eyes still on the sand castle, but the gentle tone of her voice wrapped around me like the first note of a song. "For the flowers." She glances up at me with the smallest shade of acknowledgement.

"I made you a promise," I say, waiting for those halos of hers to find me, just to catch the smallest glimpse.

And then they do. The gentlest shade of green lights up. So freaking subtle yet so completely hers. Time seems to stand still as her gaze holds mine, the air frozen around us, everything on hold as if the whole lake is waiting to take a breath.

"So..." she breathes out, dropping her eyes back to the task at hand and effectively letting the moment fall. "I'm actually surprised to see you getting your hands dirty. I figured you probably have people to wipe your ass at this point."

The smirk that results after she takes a moment to scan my sand covered body feels good. It feels like it used to.

The fact that she's changed the subject isn't lost on me, but the fact that I'm laughing feels really fucking good. "My days can be pretty hectic. Full of one event after another. It helps to have someone else do the shopping and cooking."

"Uh huh," she nods with a smirk of her own.

"You really have no idea what it's like to live a day in my life."

"You're right, I don't." Her eyes hold mine for a moment. There's so many unspoken words hiding behind them. "It's just...be honest. When's the last time you actually did something for yourself?"

Her words stop me. They plant me in place and have my wheels spinning, racing through my head to land on something worth sharing. The thing is, I haven't done a whole lot for myself. Both in the sense of running basic errands and just taking a moment that's mine.

"Okay, so I've relied on others for most daily chores. I don't think that's such a terrible thing."

"I'm not saying it's bad," she clarifies. "I'm just saying, do you even know how to make a cup of coffee anymore?"

"I know you like yours with two creams and one sugar," I say.

She stops working, frozen as she lets more hair fall in front of her face. She's hiding. She's doing what she always does, except this time I'm not in the best position to make sure she's seen.

Her eyes slowly roll over to mine before her voice falls out quietly, hesitant. "Liked."

"I'm sorry?"

She tucks her hair behind her ear, revealing her face all on her own as her eyes lock onto mine. "I used to like my coffee with two creams and one sugar. A lot of things change in eight years."

She has no fucking idea. And neither do I. I've missed so goddamn much.

"You know sugar is an addiction," Noah jumps in. "Your body actually craves it. Once you cut it out, cleanse yourself of it, you no longer have that aching urge for something sweet."

"Thanks for that," I nod toward my brother for saving my ass. I don't know if I'm actually ready to face all I need to face when it comes to the mistakes I made.

As I look up at my brother, there's something else that catches my eye, pulling my attention away from the task at hand. My sister is no longer alone, and the boy smiling far too wide has me straightening my posture. "Who's that?"

Liv follows my line of sight before she smiles. "That's Miles."

"Lily's crush," Noah adds.

"Her what?"

Liv just continues to laugh, which is not helping the situation. "She's almost a teen. She's going to like boys."

"I would barely call her almost a teen, and that doesn't mean I have to like it. What do we even know about him?"

"He plays basketball."

"I don't like him."

She laughs. "You don't even know him."

"I know all I need to."

The way she shakes her head with a smile has me aching to join her, but all I can think about is the questionable bathing suit my sister is currently wearing while this dipshit tries to make her laugh. She's playing with her hair, cocking her hip and it's lighting a fire in me I haven't felt in a long time. My hands are already shaking, I can feel the tremble working its way up my arm but I'm doing everything I can to fight it.

Lily gives him a small wave before she begins heading back our way. Noah is fixated on his work while Liv is now zoned into the window details she's creating.

"I'm going to go hang out with my friends for a bit," my sister smiles, placing the bucket of water down on the sand.

"Yeah, I don't think so."

"Excuse me?" Her eyes widen, finding mine as her mouth pops open.

I don't care if she's upset. "We started a project. You're going to finish it."

"Noah already said I could go if I wanted to. And so did you for that matter."

"That's not the point. You promised him you'd help, that you'd spend time with him. You can't just leave him halfway through."

"You're one to talk."

"I'm sorry?"

"Okay," Liv sits up now, pushing herself from the sand as she takes a step closer to Lily.

"I'm just saying, bailing is kind of your thing, isn't it?" There's a bite to her tone, and suddenly the air feels hot, so fucking hot.

Noah is finally pulled from his work, his head bouncing between the two of us. Liv isn't moving either, her eyes pulling from my sister to me.

"Lily–"

"No, this is ridiculous." She throws her arms in the air as we all sit back in shock. "You don't get to sit there and lecture me on bailing when you haven't even been here!"

I don't know what the fuck is happening right now, but before I can even form some resemblance of a response, her back is to me and she's taking off down the beach.

Liv doesn't hesitate, she doesn't fumble a response like I just did. Instead, she takes off, following after my sister.

I take a step to trail after her but Liv spins around, causing me to nearly crash into her. "I got it," she calmly states.

"She's my sister," I blurt out without the intention of making it sound like I'm a complete asshole. Pretty sure by the way Liv swivels in the sand that I've failed. "I just mean," I start to backpedal like an idiot. "I'm back now. So maybe I should take this one."

The laugh that falls from her lips is laced in pain and disbelief.

"And for how long?" Liv's words jolt out, catching me by surprise.

"What?"

"How long are you back, Max? How long are you blessing this town with your coveted presence before you bail again?"

There it is. The anger. The welcome party I thought I would receive when I first saw her again. Just moments ago it felt like there might be a chance we could fall right back into who we were before, but with one lousy comment, everything I feared has surfaced. The pain. The regret. The ache.

"I don't know," I whisper, ashamed that I don't have a fucking answer.

"You don't know a lot of things and that's the problem isn't it?" Her eyes have changed, that subtle glow now gone, fractured. When I don't respond, she takes a step closer. "You don't know that Lily's favorite color is green. The deep shade of the trees at the top of the mountains. You don't know that when Noah feels overwhelmed, he plays the piano. He sits without a single sheet of music and plays what's on his heart. You don't know that every time your name ends up in the tabloids for another stunt you've pulled, that your mom sits at the end of that dock alone until your dad finally comes to get her just as the sun begins to set. You don't know because you're not here. You haven't been here, Max. So no, you shouldn't take this one just because you're here for the week, or the month, or whatever it is you're doing. You and I both know you're not planning to stay. You never have."

My head is spinning, the numbing buzz across my skin making my heart race. A pulse far beyond my control as my eyes narrow. That anger she's thrown my way slams against my chest, awakening a piece of me I wish to bury. But my heart is racing, my head a jumbled fucking mess, unable to settle to fire raging inside of me.

Against all realms of better judgement, I step forward. "I know a hell of a lot more than you think, Liv."

Her gaze challenges mine as she tries to step away, to go after my sister. She pauses, though. "Whatever game you're playing right now–"

"It's not a game." I squeeze my hands, the heat like a pounding drum within my palms as everything grows hazy.

Her eyes fill with question as the sweat builds across the back of my neck. I need a fucking drink, another fucking hit. "Max–"

"I know about Jordan."

Her eyes widen, that halo of hers completely faded. "What?"

"I know," I repeat, waiting for her to confirm what I've already begun to piece together. I take a step forward, my thoughts melting together, my hands shaking. "What I don't understand is at what point you threw everything to shit and became just like–"

"Don't," she stops me, her eyes filled with water, that halo broken. That one look pummels my heart, stealing every ounce of anger I just had. "Don't you dare finish that sentence, Max. You don't know me, not anymore. So don't you for one second act like you have answers that no longer belong to you."

"Liv–"

"No," she stops me again. "Go home. Get some rest, sober up, or don't. But don't finish that sentence. And don't pretend like you're suddenly sorry. Because if you were, if you had any ounce of remorse, we wouldn't be standing here, and I sure as hell wouldn't be feeling the same disappointment I held all of those years ago."

She's gone before I even have a chance to respond. My heart is responding though. It's ripping from its confinement, removing itself from the dark enclosure I've buried it in and screaming at the top of its lungs to stop her. But I don't. I don't do a damn thing.

I've been getting better. I've been making progress. But the truth of what I left behind, the hurt and heartache I built in my absence, is rattling my head. It's reminding me of the simple answer, the way to turn it all off, to make it all stop.

I'm getting better.

I'm making progress.

I just want it to all fucking stop.