Dear Destiny,
Hello. Despite being a very informal person, I will try to be very formal with you because a) you and I have had a fluctuating relationship, and b) I want to please you and I've seen that no one is pleased when I'm me.

Ah! Talking about being formal and not even introducing myself. What a start! I'm Ray. I know you know me but probably don't remember me, mainly because now I'm no patron of yours and quite possibly never truly was.

Okay so the thing is, my whole family and, let's say, everyone around me is a very big believer in you, so I was made to believe from an early age that whatever entity I am is completely based upon you. Now, of course, those people who tried to instill this belief in me still believe that, but I went on a tangent. I discarded you as a whole. I think that was a case of influence too, though I'd not like to discuss that right now.

Respecting someone and following them are two very different that can be mutually exclusive. A few days ago, I had what you can call an “awakening”—though that's a little dramatic term—where I grew to respect you even if couldn't follow you.

That night, I realized with the whole might of my reasoning that the reason why we mortals invented the concept of “fate” or “destiny” was to calm down minds like mine.

That night, I was in my bed just hating this life more and more with each passing second when, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the thought came: Do what you need to do; rest will come to you if it's meant to be.

Now this was a little shocking thought because I rarely think in the terms of “meant to be-s”, maybe because some small part of me likes to torture the bigger part of me by making me think that I have to be the one to do everything, even when it's not the case.

So anyway, that was a very, very comforting thought I'd had in a while and it helped me sleep that night.

The next day, I gave that fleeting thought a grand amount of time and only then I reached to the conclusion that we introduced you to our lives because sometimes having some power taken from you can be comforting, especially when you feel helpless with owning that power.

Now don't get me wrong, I do believe that some things are meant to happen because if I don't believe this, the other option is to believe that everything happens randomly and we are nothing but dust flecks in the grand scheme of things; and I absolutely refuse to believe that.

Some things are meant to happen: you are meant to meet some people, you are meant to get some addictions; you are meant to gain some successes and you are meant to be denied some.

But as a whole, one of the basic rules of the world—as I see the world—is: nothing is absolute. So this concept of you is not absolute either.

I was bound to one day stumble upon the phenomenon of reading and thereafter change my whole life, but I don't account my occasional shallow breathing to you; and there's more in my words than what meets the eye.

It all condenses down to this: we are not totally void of choices. You, or the universe maybe, provide us with more than one doors. We are the ones who choose for ourselves, and we are the ones who have to face the consequences of our choices and live with them.

Maybe I'm totally wrong and we all come to this world with a pre-written novel of our life in which somedays the antagonist is the protagonist and somedays the protagonist plays her part dutifully. However, I completely, absolutely, reject the choice of believing that.

There's so little “meaning” in my life as it is; I don't want to obliterate even that sliver by this theory.

So this is what I think about you, Destiny. You exist but not always. You help, but not always.

I believe in you, but not always. Call me selfish, but I believe in you only when the world gets too heavy for me to sleep peacefully.

No hostility, though.

Yours,
Existential Crisis.
(Ray)