Before this, real quick:
Would you Awesomers like to read a short five-chapter story on lockdown love. I suck at writing romance but I can try. Lemme know.
Thanks
:)
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Dear Anxiety,

Hey love, recognize me? Hint: we have met only recently but we have a special bond that no one has been able to break so far. Doesn't ring a bell? Well yeah, how would it, when you have such a widespread empire. It's Ray.

How have you been? When are you visiting next? I need to know so I can be prepared.
( At this, I can easily imagine you laughing diabolically and shaking your head and saying, Just wait till you stop writing sweetie.)

You are so two-faced, I can't help but shudder at your name. Everyone says that you are good in formidable circumstances to switch our body to fight-or-flight mode and all that science stuff, but I disagree. A lot. I mean, how am I supposed to feel like you are a good- let alone necessary- part of my life when you've been my omnipresent background lately? When you interfere with everything I do. When you make me cry over stuff that will happen five years from now. When you make more of my head than I do.

As I mentioned earlier, my relationship with you has been formed only lately. We all have known a lot of people whose lives have been threatened by your acquaintance with them and still they manage to live by, and even live greatly. Some aren't that way, obviously, but sometimes you make me think that I'm the weakest person out there.

That's what you do, my love. You turn savages into quivering pulp of insecurities.

You make us struggle with our "me", and believe me that's the worst you can do.

And the biggest problem is that even after all this, I can't blame you. I feel like I must be at fault for the toxicity of the relationship we have. Otherwise why would I turn all the daily stuff, like singing in the shower and sitting among my family members, into existential crises, unlike everyone else? I like to believe that I'm not the only person struggling with this but by some miracle of your existence you make us feel alone there too.

You are so much like Beauty in thr terms of your relativity, and yet you have no good virtue like Beauty. For one person you can be something she feels when in real, actual danger. For others -like me- you can be this all-time static that always hums along no matter what kind of situation is playing the music. I can't even pick up a Rubik's cube without you threatening my whole existence.

So far, all this has been my pity tale, but trust me I don't want your pity. And that's why I want to talk about something else. Maybe a word on atheism. You make us want to be atheist. Can't elaborate. Can't explain. Whatever our religion is, you make us want to leave it.

But. Here comes the But I've been waiting for.

But I've always taken pride in the fact that I'm a natural optimist. So let me tell you how I feel about you when I don't feel you.

You are not a hurdle that I can jump over, in order to resume my life. You are this unwanted guest that I have to accommodate because I'm too polite (or powerless) to say no. So here's one fact: I have a huge heart. I don't want to but I can accommodate you. I don't and won't allow you to take the huge-ness of my heart.

You will exist and you will be there with me to make my normal days bad and my bad days worse but you will not take the privilege of my good days.

I gave you so much but those good moments- like when I juggle, when I take a shot at tap dance, when I read, when I love the people I have- those remain mine to keep untouched from you.

I'm well aware that I'm not like the majority of the population; they feel you when the situation calls for you, I feel you when I'm not feeling anything else, I feel you when I'm supposed to be normal, I feel you in general.
I'm well aware of all this but I also know that I'm going to keep surviving. Of course, "surviving" and "living" are miles apart-and I vouch for the latter-but first we have to survive in order to be able to live.

This is way far from all I have to say to you and I feel like all I did in this letter was to go on and on in circles, but the thing is is you are already here now, with me. Plus, I don't know how to articulate everything I feel towards you. After all, your primary function is to steal our ability to know how we are feeling.

Anyway, I hope this was the last time we ever talk. I'll learn to live with you. I'll learn to live despite you, but I never want to talk to you again.

Hoping,
Ray.

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A/n: Heyy Awesomers (how do you like the name?) yes I know it's been a while, but on my part, I got discouraged. I do write daily but I got discouraged to post. But now I'm back to bug all of you to start reading again lol.
Hope you all are safe.
Updates will be (kinda) regular from now on.

Please answer the question I asked above.
Please comment to let me know what you think.
Love,
Ray.