Bailey
~~~~~~~

Anxiety tore at my chest, squeezing it, compressing it, until I couldn't breath. I clenched my teeth together tightly even as they groaned in protest. I wouldn't allow myself to be seen as weak, to be seen as broken. I was getting better and that was what was needed of me.

I tried to even out my breathing, to stop the gasping for air before it began. I felt like I was drowing, like I was stuck just below the surface of the water but unable to break through. I closed my eyes tightly. I couldn't let them see. Couldn't let them see the cracks forming on the edges of my face.

I knew I wasn't cut out for it and the pressure it would shove down on my shoulders. I wasn't even cut out to be a mate to a normal pack member. I knew, deep down, that I was no Alpha Female. Alpha Females looked like Shey, their heads high as if nothing in the world could touch them. They were strong and could stand the dominance that was thrown at them, not cower under it like a whipped dog.

I wanted to laugh. No better description for me than that. I was nothing more than a scared little whipped dog that was suddenly the master's favourite. A little puppy lost in the position they had been given and trying so hard to please their master. To not let the cracks show so they wouldn't be tossed back to the pound.

I tried so hard not to break for Davin. I tried so hard not to fall apart. I wanted to be the strong Alpha Female he must have dreamed about, that he must have wanted. I tried so hard but I was failing. Failing at getting better, failing at holding it together, failing at us. How could I continue to look at him, to smile at him, and lie? I was cracking under my own inadequacies and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I envied Maricella. I watched her as she pushed forward with such ease. She would fall down only to pick herself up again and keep going. She never looked back, always forward. She always looked towards the horizon, to her destination, and never once stopped in her journey. She had a mate that was with her, that expected nothing.

I floundered on the edge of who I had been with a mate who wanted an Alpha Female. A strong female who could hold her head up high and meet the gaze of those who came to see her, who could stand beside her mate and mix her dominance with his. It was impossible because all I was, was a timid female who flinched at loud noises and sudden moves. I was a female who found quiet corners to hide in so I could cry until my throat and eyes burned from the effort. I was a female who couldn't hold eye contact no matter how hard I tried. I was a female who buckled under any pressure and put a smile on my face to let the world know I was fine even when I felt like I hung off a cliff by my fingers and everything screamed at me that I would fall.

I couldn't show them I was anything but fine. The Alpha pair were the back bone of the pack. They were the founding strength. When that strength was broken, was flawed from the start, where did that leave the pack? It left it to flounder just like me. I couldn't allow that. I needed to hold my head high and pretend that it was okay. That I was getting better even when I knew I was getting no where.

Amber spoke all these words, told me all these things but I couldn't understand them. Mari nodded when I repeated them, telling me them once more in her own way, her grey eyes soft as she would hold my hand. It was in times like those that I wanted to crack open, to break, because I knew Mari would be strong enough for the both of us. That she would grasp my hand like she did that day in Tacita and she would bring me to safety once more. But I didn't because I was to be Alpha Female and I needed to be strong. To show that I could handle it even when I felt like I couldn't handle breathing.

A warm hand cupped my face and I leaned into the touch, instinctively seeking out the comfort it brought. "Are you okay, Bells?" Soft concern rolled off Davin's voice and I fought to keep my breathing even and my eyes free of tears before I nodded.

"Tired."-I'm drowning-"Just"-I can't breathe-"tired." I opened my eyes to look at him and there was that heartwrenching look in his green eyes, the one that warmed me up from my chest to my toes. Guilt made bile rise up to touch the back of my tongue and I swallowed convulsively to keep it down. I felt clammy and sweaty. It was getting harder to breathe, to take in air without gasping.

The look slipped off his face, concern darkening his eyes before the hand cupping my cheek turned around and he felt my cheek and then my forehead. I pushed it away with another smile, hoping it would be enough to cover the cracks I felt everyone could see.

"I'm fine. Not enough sleep." I just pushed it away. Excuse after excuse. On the outside I said I was fine but deep down I was struggling to simply breathe. I said nothing, pretending yo be okay because I didn't want to disappoint Davin, to disappoint Amber. I said what was needed, I practiced the steps at getting better. I practiced them so hard just hoping that if I practiced enough that it would become reality. It never happened. I was left wearing a mask of my own making because I couldn't bear to see the disappointment in Davin's eyes if he were to see underneath it. I was so ashamed of myself.

"You can talk to me, you know... If there is anything wrong I am right here to listen." He was a flawless male, one that I adored with my everything. He was always there for me, gently holding me up and taking care of me. I so wanted to be the female he deserved but I was failing at it. "No matter what, Bailey. I'm here for you." His hand cupped my cheek again and I leaned against the touch. I wondered if he would still love me when he realized what type of female I was.

"I know." My voice was barely a whisper and I let my eyes close before I pulled away from him. I felt cold at the loss of contact but I forced my spine to straighten, to look unbendable. It was easier to pretend with him not in my head. I couldn't bear to wear his mark while I was so... wrong. He deserved more than me, so much more.

I wanted to gag on my own thoughts, so bitter and sour. I couldn't handle it anymore. The tears I had fought so hard to keep at bay seeped into my eyes, sliding out from between my closed eyelids. I ducked my head down and clenched my hands into tight fists. I couldn't let them see.

"I'm going to go to bed." I fought to keep the words straight and free from the emotions churning my stomach. A hand reached for me and I pulled away when I felt the heat of it. If he touched me I knew I would break and he would see the truth of who I was. A female not worth the dirt she walked on.

"Oh... Okay." There was a faint thread of hurt to his voice that I couldn't stand to hear. I turned around, my eyes opening as I moved towards the house. I could feel so many eyes on me and I wrapped my arms around myself as if it would protect me from their judgements.

I hurried my pace as my stomach rolled and I felt another touch of bile to the back of my throat. I swallowed it down knowing it would simply come back up again. I hurried up the stairs and towards the bathroom. I shoved the door open and hit my knees as I heaved into the toilet, my stomach heaving everything out. My body was showing what I wouldn't, turmoil and weakness.

Sobs escaped as my body heaved again and again and again. I was such a pathetic female. My wolf whined her faint reassurance at me but even she knew we were simply too weak to be anything but a lower pack member. Once couldn't turn a pigeon into a falcon, no matter how hard they tried.

I rested my head on my arm, trying to muffle the agonizing sobs that tore at my throat and empty stomach. The bitter scent of my mess had my stomach churning and clenching worse and the lingering taste had me gagging slightly. I was such a poorly made female. Ingrid was cruel but sometimes she spoke the truth. That was just one of many truths she had spoken about me. Her list was endless and I knew she had been right about many of them.

Poor

Weak

Pathetic

Unworthy

Useless

The list went on and on. I might have pretended to make the pain go away but that didn't stop the truth. I pressed my face harder to my arm, trying to muffle the sounds my body wouldn't let me hide. I wanted to curl up and disappear. Everything would be better if I did. Davin could find a new mate, someone better than me, someone more deserving of him. I didn't deserve a male like him, I never did. Our pairing was a fluke, an accident of fate and I knew once Davin realized that he wouldn't want me anymore.

We were ill-matched and nothing would change that because I wasn't what he needed. I couldn't be what he needed me to be. The thought choked me. I loved him so much and it killed me to think that but I knew it was the truth. I was not a female that could be made into something I wasn't.

My hands shook as my breathing was soon gasping. I was drowning again, looking up to see the sky but never being able to break through the surface. I was getting dragged down deeper and deeper with no hope of escaping because I was made wrong. My heart thumped in my chest, an odd rhythm that always accompanied me through even though the squeezing felt like it would burst it too.

My tears felt like acid on my face, searing my skin harshly. I knew I would need to hide the remains of my tears, the redness that never truly seemed to go away, the puffiness that never seemed to deflate. I was so tired of fighting against the current, I wanted it to swallow me whole. I just wanted the feelings to stop. I missed being an Omega because there the expectations I had were something I could do, something I could be. One could take a shifter from the Omega position but one couldn't remove being an Omega from a shifter.

Even now the evidence mounted. Maricella cleaned obsessively to the point her nails broke and her fingers bled. The other Omegas lingered on the outsides, muttering mantras to themselves and when I lingered too long in the shadows of my own mind I would find the bitter words on my lips. Removing an Omega from their position did little for them, it took the away from the abuse of others but it gave them freedom to abuse themselves.

Our minds short circuited, unable to handle the freedom we had been given. We weren't made to be normal, we were made to be Omegas and the sad reality was that was probably all some of us had. We had no family, no loved ones, no memories, no happy times to lean on. We had the Mantras, our schedules, the thumping of Ingrid's boots on the wooden floors, and the crack of canes against flesh.

How could one remove that?

I knew the truth now, one couldn't. Not really. Once an Omega, always an Omega. The whisper of the words touched my lips from a mouth that was giving shuddering half gasping breaths. my muscles were slowly relaxing, my body no longer fighting against itself. I was just so tired. I couldn't do this anymore. I wanted to retreat to the background where eyes passed over me and never lingered.

I was just so tired of it all. I was tired of pretending I wasn't drowning on the inside. I was tired of pretending my world was different. I was tired of pretending I was different. I was so damn tired of putting a smile on my face to show the world I was happy because I wasn't and I didn't know if I had that ability anymore. I was just... done.

Slow tears fell from my eyes as I slowly sat up, flushing the toilet before standing on wobbly legs. I gripped the counter and pushed my hair away from my face before I slowly turned on the sink. The water hitting the basin drowned out the static of my brain before I picked up a cup and filled it with some water. I used it to rinse the acrid taste from my mouth. I had to fight back a slight gag at the taste as I spit it out. I rinsed twice more before I finally gathered the courage to look into the mirror. I wanted to wince.

I was a mess, my face was blotchy, my hair seemed lank against my nearly grey face, and my eyes looked hollow. My mask had broken completely and I knew I didn't have the strength to put it back together again. I closed my eyes, gripping the counter until my fingers hurt.

That was what failure looked like.

I was the epitome of it. A female lacking in strength and resolve, giving up because she couldn't handle her reality. I knew Mari would be ashamed of the female she saw, she had rescued me from a cage made of wood and stone only for me to wish for it back. That was what failure was. Once an Omega, always an Omega. There was nothing that could change that. I tried.

I tried everything and nothing worked. I wasn't the person the pack needed me to be. I was Omega Bailey and I knew I would never be Alpha Bailey. That was how this cosmic joke worked. They gave me a position I would never be able to achieve or deserve so they could watch me fail again and again trying to reach it. I had been set up to fail from the start.

I pushed away from the counter, turning away from the mirror. I couldn't stand looking at the female that stared back, she sickened me. She reminded me of who I had always been, a weak little Omega. I hugged myself as I nearly stumbled my way towards Davin and I's bedroom. my heart twisted and rolled in my chest and my wolf whined, curling herself up and covering her face with her tail.

I slowly slipped inside, sitting myself on the edge of the bed. The room smelled like him, smelled like home and I inhaled deeply, trying my hardest to ingrain his scent to memory. My heart cracked in my chest. I would miss him but I knew he deserved more, that he would find more. I needed to go back to my shadows because that was where I knew I belonged.

Time crawled on as I held myself tighter, I had to otherwise I felt like I would break apart. The tears seemed never ending and I didn't even have the will to wipe them away. I could hear more voices in the house as they returned. my stomach clenched and twisted and I knew if I had not emptied it before, I would have then.

Low murmurs filled the stairwell and soon the creaking of footsteps on the stairs had been hunching forward, trying to stop the ache in my chest. The door clicked open and he was there, the male that I adored, that I treasured but knew I was not good enough to hold.

I looked up, needing to take him in one more time. How I would miss his messy hair and his green eyes that crinkled at the corners. He glanced up for just a second before he turned to shut the door. "Bells? I thought you were having a n-" He turned again and his words died off when his eyes met mine. "What happened?" It was a breathless whisper of concern that was nearly my undoing as I started shaking violently. He crossed over to me quickly, his hands touching me, giving me warmth in a body that I hadn't realized was cold.

"Bailey. Talk to me, sweetling. What happened?" His eyes were so concerned and worried that I had to close my own. I opened my mouth to speak but the words seemed stuck in my throat, no part of me truly wanted to say them but for the good of the pack I had too.

"I don't want to be your mate anymore." They were a managed whisper that was practically torn from me and I turned my face from his, closing my eyes tighter. I didn't want to look at what my failure would do to him. I was too much of a coward.

"I-I don't understand. Where is this coming from?" He grasped my cheek in his hand, attempting to make me face him but I held my head in the same position, resisting his effort. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't see what I was doing because it would only make me cling to him harder, pull him down with me. "Bailey, tell me what is wrong?" His voice was a tad sharper, a faint order rolling on his tone.

"I can't keep pretending anymore. I can't be your mate." Not for the pack and certainly not for him. I would rather spend every day of eternity back in that classroom than to let Davin flounder because of my weakness. I wouldn't punish him with my shortcomings as a female.

"Pretending? What are you talking about, Bails?" His grip turned a bit tighter, a bit more commanding as he tried to force me to face him. I refused because I knew deep down that it was better for him if I was gone.

"I can't be the mate you need me to be. Not anymore." I was never able to and another round of tears filled my eyes, squeezing out from between my clenched eyelids. My voice was such a wavering whisper, such a weak one.

"I am not following. Of course you are the mate I need. You always have been." They were words that anyone would have buckled under but i knew I couldn't. "Where is this coming from?" It was coming from the fact I was constantly drowning, unable to hold my head above water.

"I can't be the female you want." I would never be able to. I would never be the female who could stand at his side or carry herself with confidence.

"I want you, Bailey." He managed to force my face towards his. "I want you with every fibre of my being." Not when the truth came out

"I'm an Omega... I'm not an Alpha Female." I opened my eyes to look at him. I didn't want to see the look in his eyes but I wanted to memorize his face, to commit it to memory for when the days were worse than others.

"What do you mean Omega?" Realization was slow to creep across his face and when it did his expression darkened. "Have you been lying to me about your progress? To Amber? Were you just pretending to be okay?" The words were low and I couldn't answer, looking off to the side of his face. I gave him one truth but that truth stuck so badly I felt like I was going to choke.

"You have. I can't believe this." His hand dropped from my face and he got to his feet abruptly. he stalked away from me and I lowered my gaze to follow the wood grain on the floor. My heart was yanking and twisting in my chest, it hurt so bad but I knew it was for the best.

He came back and I flinched away when I saw something enter my peripheral vision, he seemed to ignore the motion as he harshly unzipped a suitcase, his form radiating tension. He started throwing clothes into it as eh muttered to himself in a low and angry tone. He shoved more clothes into it, shaking his head.

"I can't believe I have failed you this badly." His green eyes were filled with self-loathing and I stared at him, my mouth feeling dry as I opened it.

"What?" The words came out like a croak.

"You are my mate and you have reached a point where you are saying you don't want to be my mate because you can't be an Alpha Female, without me knowing." He shook his head slowly.

"I can't." I couldn't be the female he needed to stand by his side. I couldn't be the female he wanted. I just couldn't pretend everything was alright anymore when it wasn't.

He threw me a look as he gathered another armful of clothes for the suitcase. "And I would never ask it of you." The words were harsh and i swallowed against the sudden churning in my stomach.

"You need to find someone else." Someone proper, someone better than me. Someone who deserved him because I didn't.

"Else? Find someone else? Are you hearing yourself right now?" He shook his head at me before grabbing my hands and kneeling at my feet. "There won't be another for me, Bailey. Do you understand me?" He was trying to catch me gaze and I avoided it carefully, I couldn't stand looking into his eyes and hurt him, even if I knew it would be better for him in the end.

"I can't be an Alpha Female, I can't be like Shey." The words faded to nearly a non-existent whisper. I couldn't be who he needed, why couldn't he see that?

"Like Shey? Thank the fucking heavens you aren't like her. You are you and that is why I love you." he kissed my hands, my skin tingling from the brief contact. he gave a small cough as if he had a small lump in his throat. "Bailey, you are my mate and I failed you."

I jerked my head to meet his gaze in shock. "No you haven't." He had been so good to me, there was no failure on his part. It was all on me. I was the one that was wrong, that was inherently broken and messed up inside. He was a perfect male.

"How have I not failed you, Bailey? Your happiness and health are supposed to come above all and I have neglected you." His eyes held an edge of guilt that I wanted to erase. "Out of everyone I should have seen the strain on you but I didn't. I managed to get this to where you say you can't be my mat-"

"I can't. I'm not strong enough to be an Alpha Female! I'm an Omega and they need to stay in their station. You are so much better than me, Davin. Why can't you see that? Why can't you see me that I am not meant for you?" My voice had risen slightly in my panicked agitation. I couldn't understand why he couldn't see what I meant.

"My mother was a low rank wolf in an Old Way territory. My father used to tell me that the moment he saw her, he saw the female he wanted to spend his life with. He saw the female he wanted to cherish and love from that moment until their lasts. He looked at her and he saw his future." He pushed himself closer, his stomach pressed to my legs. "Her rank meant nothing to him because she was everything to him." His eyes were slightly watery as he let my hands go to wrap his arms around my back, holding my tightly, his fingers digging in just a bit as if to show me he wasn't going to ever let me go.

"I have seen many females in my life, Bailey, but when I saw you for the first time, when I saw you, I saw the face of the female I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I saw you looking so fragile and broken and I realized I would spend eternity putting you back together if you fell apart because at least I would be with you. I saw my future in you, Bailey." He reached up and grasped my face in his hands, his eyes open and honest to me as I started shaking. Emotions churned and swirled inside of me so quickly I couldn't tell what I was feeling. "My future is not this pack, it is not the Alpha position, my future is, and always will be, you." My chin trembled and a new wave of tears fell from my eyes.

He gently wiped my tears away with his thumbs. "If you believe you cannot be an Alpha Female, I will not be an Alpha." He was so earnest it horrified me.

I shook my head rapidly. "I can't ask-"

"You wouldn't have too." He shushed me softly, pressing closer, letting me take his scent deep into my lungs. "I can't give you up, Bells. Ask me for the world but do not ask me that." His voice was low and soft as he gently brought my face down, touching my forehead to his. "It is the one thing that is impossible for me to give you because I cannot cut out my own heart." He picked up one of my hand pressing it to his chest where his heart thudded strong and comforting.

"It goes where you go and it always will." He pressed his lips to my forehead. "Come on. We need to go." He slowly let me go and I blinked as I wiped my eyes. It was a futile motion as more tears followed the rest.

"Go where?" My voice warbled as I watched as he zipped up the suitcase.

"Somewhere we can get you better without the pressures of the pack pushing down on you." He picked the suitcase and walked towards the door.

"Where is that?" I didn't know if I wanted to leave the house. It was my safe zone, somewhere I knew and where I could wander around freely. The thought of having to learn a whole new place was terrifying.

"The Boarder House. Amber has some friends that she has been corresponding with about Omegas. They will welcome us." He opened the door and I slowly stood up.

I didn't want him to leave because of me. He had so many responsibilities. "The pack..." My voice trailed off and he slowly set down the suitcase.

He walked over, wrapping me in the arms that I felt nothing but protected in. "I care about this pack but I love you. You come first, above all. For ever and always." I wondered if he knew how his words affected me, I wondered if he knew how my heart didn't hurt when he said the, sweetness to take away the bitter emotion within me.

"What if I can't get better?" I whispered it into his chest and he buried his hand into my hair, kissing the top of my head. So many doubts, there was an impossible road ahead of me that I wasn't sure I could even begin to embark on.

"I will still be right here with you." He ran his fingers through my hair and I slowly looked up at him, blinking away the tears that blurred my vision. He slowly let me go before picking the suitcase once more.

"Why?" The word cracked in my mouth.

He gave me a small smile as he reached out his hand. A hand that would take me away from what I currently knew in an effort to fix what I thought was impossibly broken. He was holding out a lifeline, telling me to take it so he could pull me out from beneath the water's surface. He was giving me a way to save myself from drowning.

"Why?" It was another whisper, quieter than the last.

His hand never wavered, just silently willing me to take it. To save myself. "Because, Bells, that's what mates do." I could try and stop myself from drowning but I knew the path I took now determined what person I could become in the end. I wanted the path that took me home, that took me back to green eyes that held a look that warmed me up from my chest to my toes. 

I slowly reached out, slipping my hand into his, letting him tug me away and towards a different path while I left the broken shards of my mask behind me. It was a long road, like Mari had said, but just like her, if I kept my eyes forward, on my goal. I would get there.

I would get better.