Andrew

I had many regrets in my life. So many I felt like I could drown underneath their weight and pressure. Guilt too. Sometimes it ate at my skin and bones to the point I wanted to dig my claws into my flesh in an attempt to strip it out. I wanted to rend my flesh from my bones to atone for the cruelties I had allowed to happen, the brutalities that has been wrought underneath my rule, the horrendous torture that I had allowed to continue, had allowed to happen to my child.

I knew that if I had not met Amber, had not looked upon her and saw the one female I would stand beside without pause. I would have taken my own life, unable to live with myself a moment longer.

Amber was my saving grace, she truly was. A female as tough as can be and that held my head above the water. She had done so much for me, had taken care of my little one, my Maricella, when I had failed as a father. She had given me my sweet little Lula, a darling little girl I loved with my everything just as I loved her sister. She had taken care of me when my regrets and guilt got too heavy to carry on my own and all I wanted to do was curl up and die underneath my own failures as an Alpha, and even worse, a father.

She had helped me a lot. Her voice soothing as she would brush my hair from my forehead, telling me it was alright, that it was okay, that mistakes were allowed and that I was atoning for them the best I could. She told me of how Maricella loved me so very much, that as her memories had come back that she had spoken so reverently of the father I had been to her growing up. She talked about how Mari would cry over memories scraped knees and how I would dutifully kiss them better, how Mari would speak of me with all the love in the world as she talked about remembering bed time stories and tea parties.

I wished those talks would make me feel better, that Mari's love would help close the wound on my soul but it was like pouring salt within it instead. It was a violently painful response to hear of how good of a father I was as I remember just how horrendously I had allowed her to be treated. I didn't know, it was something Amber reminded me with that soft voice that would hitch with her own emotions as she would look at me with those vividly blue eyes and all I could think was that does not excuse me from what I had allowed to happen.

Working through my emotions, working through how I felt, how I was dealing with everything that occurred was a difficult process. I wasn't going to lie because at times it was so painful, the marks against my soul too great, that I wanted to simply end it all. There was nothing I could do to atone for my mistakes, not when it came to Maricella, not when it came to the other Omegas. I had allowed a brutal system to exist, had allowed it to thrive underneath my blind gaze.

Amber was my constant and so was Maricella. They both did their best to help me through it, to help me become better. I loved them all the more for it, even when the guilt at times made it impossible for me to look Mari in the eyes and pick up my little Lula because I felt utterly unworthy as a being to touch her innocence lest I harm her too. They picked me up when I wanted to collapse and held me close when all I wanted to do was push the world away.

I was learning to live with the crushing guilt and regret. I was. I knew it would never go away and some might have believed that having Maricella's faith and forgiveness in me would have soothed it over but it didn't. She never should have forgiven me because it never should have happened. It was a thought that kept me up even when everyone else fell asleep. I would lay awake, thinking about what I could have done, what I should have done, with only the moon awake to judge me.

However, in their quest to heal me, to help me unburden myself from the guilt and regret that clung tight to my bones, Amber and Maricella had unearthed something I had not expected. Years worth of unrestrained resentment that had been directed at an unsuspecting source.

Jace.

It was hard to look at him, hard to exist near him with that much resentment flowing through my veins. I had tried my hardest to hide it, to talk myself out of it, to rationalize it all but in the end I had told Amber, knowing that I couldn't continue or I would ruin what relationship Jace and I had left. She had told me to talk to him, to unburden that from my conscious, to let him know. She said even letting him know of my resentment would be enough to help me feel better, to help me cope.

So that is where I was. My guilt, shame, and regret were things I knew I could never unburden myself of but this I knew I could do. I stared at Jace's office, my stomach churning as I gritted my teeth before I knocked. It was a still night, the moon high in the sky and everyone in bed or asleep. I knew Amber was, I had left her curled up on the bed clutching a pillow to her chest while lines creased her forehead as if she were distressed. She had demons of her own and I knew in time she would unburden herself with me but for now I was content to merely be with her.

"What?" At the gruff reply I opened the door and stepped inside. His office was orderly but papers were scattered across his desk as he looked at them with tired eyes that had lines spreading from the corners, a showing of his age. My wolf flashed his teeth, his anger was more than my own and that was why I needed to talk with Jace needed to unburden myself. I could not win against my brother and I did not wish to constantly be at his throat.

"We need to talk, Jace." The were came out surprisingly easy and he just sighed and gestured to the chair near his desk. I walked over and moved it so it sat across from the other chair in the room.

"Bring it to the desk." Jace's voice tinged with irritation but I shook my head as I settled i in it's spot and sat down on it.

"We need to talk, brother." I looked at him, feeling angry but weary. I couldn't live like I was. I watched as he gave a heavy sigh of agitation as he set his pen down and pushed away from his desk. I looked away as I leaned my head back in the chair, looking at the ceiling as I kept my breathing deep and even.

"I have paperwork to do, Andrew. This better be quick." His voice was demanding and dominating but I pushed it off. I had been an Alpha too, not born to the position but I had held the position long enough to shrug off the dominance he threw at me. I was too tired to play those games.

"I'll say my piece and then leave but I need your full attention in order to do so." In order for me to salvage the relationship we had, to keep holding onto it, I needed to tell him how I felt. I needed to look him in the eye so he could understand how I felt.

"Fine." He gave another aggravated sigh and sat in the chair across from me, the wood of it almost protesting underneath his bulk. I pulled my gaze from the ceiling and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and I rubbed my face. "What is it?" At the snap my wolf snarled, his patience wearing thin and I sighed.

"I was just a kid, Jace." I looked at my hands, my shoulders tense as my wolf's agitation ran through me. "I wanted to make something of my life, get away from the pack, get away from the memories of our parents. I wanted to do something with my life. I was just a kid." I had been young, stupid and young but I had been planning my future. I hated living on Tacita with the memories of our parents hanging over me. They had died and the grief had been intense because I knew they could have been saved if someone on the territory had been trained in trauma medicine. Their deaths had been senseless.

"I had wanted to be a doctor, wanted to heal people, wanted to make sure no one else would have to live through what we did." I clasped my hands together, unable to look up at Jace. "I was good at it too, Jace. I know you were busy with the pack but I pushed myself hard. I had top marks in high school and then I went to University and I excelled. Top of the class for three years." I stopped working my jaw as that familiar resentment flared up into anger within me, burning hotly in my stomach. "Three years I was making something of myself until you came." I finally allowed myself to look up at him and he stared at me, his face even.

"You came and you took me home." I felt a spear of unexpected sorrow at that as it mixed with a bitter tang of regret. "I hate you for that." I did. Right down into the core of my being I hated him for doing that. I hated him for discarding my hopes and dreams without a care because what he wanted was more important than everything else.

He looked shocked at that before his eyes narrowed and a rumble escaped him. "My mate had just been murdered, Andrew, you cannot hate me-"

"But I do." I knew she had been murdered and I mourned her, I had. It was the only reason I had come home with him. "You came and pulled me from my classes, telling me about it. I came home to help you." The anger flowed up into my chest and wrapped around y throat as my hands shook. "I came home to make sure you would be okay and you dumped everything on me and left. Without a word, without warning, without saying goodbye." I ground my teeth together as angry tears burned my eyes. "I waited for months, Jace, for you to come back. I held the position I was not trained for, waiting for you to come home but instead you stayed gone. I was under prepared, under trained, under far too much stress!" Bitterness erupted over my tongue at the memories of what I had gone through while I waited for him to come back.

He shook his head, his face going cold and hard, the scar slashing across his face making him look almost menacing. "It was your duty to take care of things for me-"

"No! It was your duty, Jace!" I shook my head at him, the bitterness nearly burning my mouth. "My duty was to my studies, was to getting an education to help people, to save people, like mum and dad." "I was simply a convenience for you. All you wanted was out so you dumped it all on me to get there. You didn't give a single thought as to what I wanted, what I needed. It was selfish and wrong!" I clenched my hands into fists as I looked at him as he worked his jaw, looking away from me as rumbles exited his chest.

"I'm sorry that my grief-"

"You and I both know it was a calculated move, Jace." The words were cold as they came out but I couldn't help it, this needed to be said, he needed to hear it. "You simply didn't want to be where you would have to look at your best friend and question whether to not he was the one who killed your mate."

His eyes snapped to me as he curled his lip up in warning. "You are walking on thin ice, Andrew." Each word was snapped out but I shook my head.

"You can't tell me you didn't at least suspect he did it. All the clues were there, Jace, everything pointed to him and the moment you started to realize that you fucking bailed." It had taken me less than a month to put everything together but without proof of it, I couldn't pin anything onto John. Jace could have, he could have been the one to avenge his mate but he didn't. He left.

His hands gripped the arms of his chair with wicked claws. "I was protecting my son!"

"You were protecting yourself!" The words bellowed form me as I shot to my feet, rage at him swirling through my veins as my wolf's hackles rose straight down to his tail. "You are so fucking selfish, Jace! You always have been! You didn't want to go through the trial for John, you didn't want to have to relive your mate's murder so you bailed! You destroyed my life, Jace, and what is worse is you destroyed Maricella's in the process!" That was the truth of it, the pieces of it falling together for me. I wasn't alone in my guilt.

He grew eerily still at my words, his eyes dangerous and predatory as he looked at me. "I had nothing to do with that."

"Yes you did." He shared the blame, his selfishness allowed that situation to happen. His selfishness allowed the situation to exist at all.

He shot to his feet, getting into my face. "You do not get to blame me for what you did."

"Amber told me you had spoken about dismantling the Omega system in the pack. She told me about how you had it all planned on how it would go and you didn't. Tell. Me." I spat the words at him and watched as shock seemed to slap his across the face but I shoved him hard back into his chair. "You told me nothing, Jace." I grabbed the arms of his chair and hissed the words in his face. "I could tell you how to stop an arterial bleed, could tell you how many transfusions the average gunshot victim would need to survive and you threw the pack at me without telling me a goddamned thing." My hands and arms shook as I dug my claws into the arms of his chair.

"You trained to be Alpha since you were twelve fucking years old, Jace. Twelve! You had thirteen years of experience and training! Thirteen years, Jace, and I had less than a week before you left and you blame me for how everything went after you were gone?" I was ignorant and my ignorance was no excuse but he could not act as though it was all on me, that he had no part in what happened. "You blame me for having the Omegas, for not knowing they were abusing my daughter underneath my nose? You blame me for being blind when you were the one who saw everything and did nothing to stop it?" My breath was heaving from my chest as I looked at him, as I felt the raw hatred I had for him, for myself.

"You didn't even warn me, didn't give me a run down of what was happening, what you had planned. You just left me without a goddamned word and I fucking hate you for it because if you had said something I would have protected Mari as I should have, I would have had the knowledge I needed to ensure that bitch Ingrid was dealt with before she tortured anyone else." I shoved away from his chair and started pacing, my movements jerky as my wolf pushed at me, fuelling the actions. "You knew what she was doing, you knew it, and you didn't tell me so I could fix it. You were so wrapped up in yourself and your own problems that you allowed me to perpetuate a system that brutalized my daughter for years!" I whirled around as I pointed at him.

"I am at fault, I should have known but you are just as guilty because you should have told me." There was nothing in this world that would convince me otherwise. I was guilty, there was no doubt about that but the knowledge that my brother knew about how Ingrid brutalized others and failed to tell me burned me deep inside because it meant he was guilt of what happened to Mari just as much as I was. If I had known I would have stopped it and he had known and had done nothing.

"I had a life before you brought me home, I had a life and you ruined it and with it, you ruined Maricella's. I resent you for destroying my life but I hate you for not letting me know so I could stop your mistake from destroying hers." With that I turned and stalked out the door, my breathing coming in heaving breaths as I stalked through the house and out the front door. I shed my clothes quickly and shifted, allowing my wolf to run off his rage, his pain.

The resentment was heavy within me, just as the guilt and regret was but Amber had been right. I did feel better. It felt good that Jace knew, that he knew how I felt. He had destroyed my future with what he had done and in doing so he had destroyed Maricella's as well. Our paws thudded against the earth as we crashed through the underbrush, uncaring about who heard us. We needed to run off the feelings we had, we needed to burn off the anger and the rage we felt.

We ran underneath the moonlight and through the forest that enclosed the pack house, letting the emotions wash over us, regret, shame, resentment, anger, sorrow. It was nice to get out of my head and allow my wolf to run, to take the brunt of the feelings. I knew he didn't fully understand them but he was still there for me all the same. We were together, as we always had been and I wondered if I would need that connection all the more because I wasn't sure how my relationship with Jace would be affected by what I said. I had needed to be said, needed to be brought to light but at the same time I knew that despite the resentment I would still mourn the loss of my brother if our relationship disintegrated because of it.

The sun was just cresting the horizon when I finally shifted back and stumbled towards the pack house, exhausted and feeling like my limbs were filled with lead. It had been near agony to pull a pair of shorts on but I had some how managed it before I trudged up to the house feeling empty but it was a good feeling, like I had exhausted all the negativity that had been coursing through my veins for so long. I reached the steps to the front porch and realized that Jace was standing at the top, his arms crossed over his chest.

We stared at each other for what seemed like forever before he ran a hand through his hair and looked away from me, sorrow carving deep lines into his face. "You were right." The three words were heavy with emotion and I slowly came up the steps, standing face to face with him. "You were right." He dropped his head, pressing his forehead into my shoulder. I grasped him, tears filling my eyes before I hugged him tightly, holding him close as his shoulders shook. "You were right." His entire body shook as he held me even tighter. I could feel the pain in him, the guilt and shame and I did my best to blink away my own tears.

"If you want to leave the pack-" His voice hitched before he pushed me away before steeling himself and meeting my gaze. "What I mean to say is that I took away everything that meant something to you and if you want to leave the pack and go back out in search of it, you can go with the knowledge that I am going to be right behind you supporting you." His words eased something within my chest and I nodded before hugging him again.

I held him for a brief moment before I pushed him away. "You should probably get some sleep." I shoved at his jaw with a loose fist and he shook his head before looking out towards the trees.

"I doubt I will be able to get a good night's sleep for a while. You go inside though. I'll be okay." He tucked his hands into his pockets and leaned against the pillar by the steps and I walked into the house, heading for my room. I wanted to see Amber, wanted to be close to her, breathing in her scent. I slowly opened our bedroom door and slipped inside. The sunset was just starting to let light into the room and I quietly moved towards the bed, lifting the covers and sliding onto the bed beside her.

I reached over and ran a hand through her hair, unable to help myself. She shifted her head, leaning her cheek into my palm with a sigh before she cracked an eye open. "Morning." Her voice was thick with sleep before she stretched and wiggled closer to me.

"Morning." I opened my arms and laid down on my back as she moved partially onto my chest. I ran my hand through her hair again and again, letting the silky strands slide through my fingers with a faint smile. "What do you think of me leaving the pack for a bit?" If Jace was giving me his blessing to leave I knew that in order to heal, in order to feel like I was atoning for my sins I needed to go back down the path I had been forced to abandon before.

"I would support you but why would you want to do that?" She looked up at me and I bent down and kissed her softly. She a small sigh of enjoyment and I held her tighter rolling onto my side as I cupped her cheek in my hand. She was so perfect.

"I want to go back to school." I found a smile on my face as I said it. I wanted to learn all I could, to go back and fulfill my dreams that had been long abandoned, that had been torn from my hands. I kissed her again, pressing my forehead to her own. "I want to be a doctor. I want to help people." I wanted to be what I should have been all along.

Amber pulled back before a small smile tugged up her lips as she kissed me deeply. She pulled away and I nearly groaned at the loss of contact. "Well, Doctor Lawrence, if that is what you want, I am behind you all the way." Her smile turned teasing and I gripped her tighter.

"Doctor Lawrence... I like the sound of that." I did, I truly did. My heart felt lighter than it had in months and I was grateful. "Thank you." I looked at Amber, hoping she could see the boundless love I had for her in my gaze. "For loving me." She nodded and snuggled closer to me, kissing my chest before she wrapped an arm around me tightly.

I looked up at the ceiling and gave another smile. I would live with my guilt and my regret but I knew that I could better my atonement if I could actually help people, like I had so fervently wished too so long ago.