Nexus

I stared out the window, looking at the night sky. I had been up for a very long time staring at the sky. I felt like I couldn't sleep. The pressure of the pack, of my responsibilities, were shoving down on me hard. They always had but now that I was the Alpha it was even worse. I tightened my hands into fists. I had taken the position from Malak to save the pack and to punish him. He was a cruel and bitter male and I found my lip curling as I remembered all he had done.

He deserved the end and I let others think what they wished about me feeling for his death but I felt nothing but relief that he was gone. Years of being under his thumb, him lording over me with a cruel smirk, and him poking me because he knew it hurt, was over with and the only thing I felt with him gone was a moment of peaceful bliss that he would no longer torment me or my wolf.

I never knew how Malak had figured it out, I hadn't even known as I had grown up but he figured it out and while I hated myself for what I was, he tortured me for it. He held it over my head taunting me while I tried my hardest to ignore him, to make him believe what he knew was a lie. It was hard because while he was out with females I couldn't force myself to do the same. I threw myself into training, wanting to do something to drown out the difference I had.

The feelings I had were dirty, wrong, and disgusting. It was what had been hammered into me for years. Traditions dictated a cruel end to those with such vile urges, dictated a certain order of things where my thoughts would be my downfall. I hated myself for them, hated my wolf even more so for not caring. He never had to guess, never had the luxury to know what he was, was wrong. He simply was. He didn't know that looking at males like Malak looked at females wasn't natural or right.

I had fought with him for years over it, trying to change his immovable mind and will to be what we were required to be. I followed traditions to the letter, never letting anyone question me too deeply, never letting them look too closely at me. If I followed the traditions, became a person who pushed them hard, people acknowledged me but never looked too closely. Its what I had wanted while I fought silently with my wolf.

After a long time I simply gave up. I acknowledged that I couldn't change him and that he liked males. I simply acknowledged what he, and by proxy I, was. I acknowledged it but also knew I could never accept that part of us. I couldn't reconcile who we were deep down and who we needed to be. So I hid it away, forever pushing it deep down in the hopes it wouldn't be seen by anyone I was around.

Now... now it was impossible. My parent were searching for a mate for me. A female I would never be able to mate too. Females... the thought of being with one disgusted me deep down to my very core and my wolf curled his lip up at them, flashing his teeth in displeasure. Females were wrong to us and it was something I learned I couldn't change. I could hide it but I could not change it. I couldn't accept any female as a mate. I could follow traditions, could hate myself, but I didn't want to push my wolf on that. I didn't even think I could push myself to accept a female.

I had tried before. Tried hard to force myself to divulge in females like y brothers did but I never could. How could I? I wasn't built like that. I wasn't designed to like females, something deep and inherent in my brain made it impossible for me to want them. It was what made me so wrong, it was what made me hide it deep down. No one could ever know the truth and because of it the pack would go without an heir for a reason they would never know.

I let out a heavy sigh, running my hand through my hair. The burden of the secret was almost too much to ignore. It clamoured in my throat wanting me to tell someone, anyone, but I held back knowing I never could. There were only two people who ever knew. Malak and Lara. Malak endlessly tormented me for it and Lara silently watching me, her eyes warm with understanding as she guided me in my life. Left to my own devices while my parents took to Malak, I went to her.

I never had to pretend with her. Never had to hide what I was because she simply accepted it. I had questioned it, questioned myself because of it and how I had been taught. I had told her so many times I had been born wrong and she would just shrug and say 'Perhaps to some but you are the only thought that matters. They say I am born wrong too but I don't listen to the idle chatter of wolves when the only voice that counts is my own.' It had been strange and confusing for my young mind to grasp what she was saying and I still didn't quite understand what she meant.

My thoughts slowly turned to what she had done earlier. She had handed me a small bit of paper, her hands looking like they shook as she pulled her cloak around herself tightly. I frowned slightly at that, worry rising up in my chest. My parents may have barred me from her, cast her to the outer edges of the pack but it didn't stop me from seeing her and it didn't stop me from caring about the one person I could say was my honest and true friend.

She had acted cold in the oppressive heat, her bony hands clutching at her cloak tightly. I made a mental note to speak to the doctor as soon as possible, just to get her checked out. No one would be allowed to feel ill in my pack, least of all her. However that bit of paper suddenly overtook my thoughts. She had written a number on it, her gaze telling me all I needed to know about it as she stated I still had allies to make.

It was the same bit of paper that rested on my desk, daring me to pick up the phone and dial. I took a half step and stopped, my eyebrows furrowing slightly. I felt torn in two, stuck between what I decreed and what my heart wanted. It was always a battled between the two. Always a battle between tradition and my heart. I hide myself away, feeling torn in two, knowing what I was and knowing I could never be that person. It was the same feeling that now rested in my stomach. Torn between calling Arlo and ignoring him completely.

I sighed as I moved to the desk. No matter what my decrees were, Arlo was my beloved little brother and I wished to speak to him again. Wished to hear his voice as he spoke. He had been a comfort to me as I grew up and he had remained a comfort to me still. My banishment to him hadn't dulled that for me, just made me hate myself worse.

I dialed in the number and sat at my desk, holding my head in my hand as the ringing sounded in my ear. I felt like there was a lump in my throat as my stomach rolled with unease. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I needed my little brother. I needed to talk to him, to talk to someone away from everything that wouldn't tell anyone around me. Arlo was cut off from the pack, speaking to him felt safe.

"Hello?" There was a heavy grogginess to his voice, as if I woke him up and when I went to speak the lump in my throat stole my voice. My heart raced in my chest as I tightened my grip on the phone. I could hear the sound of fabric rubbing together, as if he were shifting around in bed.

"Arlo?" The name came out straggled and there was a faint sound of a bed frame creaking that I could barely hear.

"Nex... that you?" The tiredness was still in his voice but he sounded more alert and I coughed, trying to get the lump to disappear.

"Yes." I tried to keep my tone even and calm but just hearing his voice made my heart pound and my eyes burn. I missed my brother with a fierceness that surprised me.

"What is going on? Is everything alright?" There was an edge of worry to his tone and I could hear a feminine murmur in the background asking him what was wrong. I couldn't hear his reply as he covered the phone with his hand. There was a scraping that let me know he had dropped his hand. "Nex, you still there?" There was a faint urgency to his voice but I could barely hear him over the thudding in my chest as the secret demanded to be let out.

So many years of hiding and I was just tired. "I want to talk." Just to talk. I wanted to calm myself down, calm down the rapid pounding of my heart, to ease the choking feeling that encircled my neck.

"Just to talk?" His voice was soft with a touch of confusion and I gave a nod I knew he couldn't see.

"Yah." Just to talk. To catch up with the brother I cared so much for. It was hard without him, hard to be stuck in a cold pack without him there. I was left to our parents, left to listen to them deride him for leaving, for breaking traditions, for being with that female. I was forced to have them continually and constantly deride me, remind me over and over again that I wasn't Malak and I never would live up to their expectations. "Just to talk." My eyes felt gritty and I pressed into them with my fingers, watching the kaleidoscope of colours that bloomed at the hard pressure.

He let out a faint sound. "Do you want me to come there? I don't mind." It was a surprising question that had my heart lurching for a different reason, a faint bit of hope for me to see him once more.

I gave a faint scoff at that, my hope crumbling as quickly as it came. "You live too far away." He was so far I wouldn't be able to see him. I doubted I would be able to see him again. The traditions that made me banish him, held me tightly in their grasp and I knew I could never accept his female for what she claimed to be. It was inherent in me, bred into me, to despise what she was.

"Don't worry about that, Nex. You get to that twenty-four hour diner outside the territory and I'll meet you there in ten minutes." His voice was even and calm. His voice letting me know he had a solution and he wouldn't be disagreed with on it. "I'll be right there." The call ended and I was left listening to the dial tone for a few moments. I slowly set the phone back into its cradle and rubbed at my forehead. Tension radiated out of my body, it had reacted to the call even without me saying what I had so wanted too.

I slowly stood up and looked towards the window. The half moon stared down at me, the clouds that had been covering her had disappeared. Usually her light was cold and cutting as if her light and eye were judging me from her place on her throne but for once her light was soft and warm. A gaze of something akin to pride as I grabbed a set of keys from my desk and walked out of the office.

I forced myself to not think, to not question my actions too deeply. I knew if I did then I would pause and stay but for once I just wanted to listen to my heart and let it lead me forward. I wanted to give it that one thing to make up for all I withheld back from it in my life. A consolation prize for the pain I continually put it through. I softly walked down the stairs, not wanting to alert anyone that I was awake and roaming around. Just like with myself, I didn't want anyone else questioning my actions.

I pushed open the door and headed for the open garage, pressing the unlock on the key fob. The truck that was closest to the door flashed its lights and I headed for it. The night air was warm and smelled sweet and I inhaled deeply. There was something in me that preferred the dark of the night over the harsh light of the day. I guessed it was because it was easier for me to hide in. No one could see who I was in the dark like they could in the light.

I shook the thoughts away as I climbed in the truck. I put the keys in the ignition and paused. A part of me told me to go back to the house, to go to my room and put all of this out of my head but there was a tugging in my chest that was just on the edge of being painful that made the decision for me as I turned the truck on and left the yard.

The drive was far from silent. I turned on the radio full blast, letting the loud music drown out my thoughts as it reached a level that hurt my ears. I didn't want to think, didn't want to let anything cling inside my mind where it would push me to deny what my heart wanted once more. It was a hard things, letting a part of me I denied make one decision. I knew why I had to deny it, tradition and the Old Ways dictated my life but it was still hard giving up that control and letting my feelings dictate my actions for once in my life.

I wanted to see Arlo, wanted to speak to him, to visit with my little brother. There were rules and traditions that barred me from doing so but I just couldn't handle it anymore. I needed to see him, needed to have that bit of acceptance before I once again ruined it. The secret I kept shoved itself into my throat, making a bitterness coat my tongue as I pulled into the diner's parking lot. There were only two other vehicles in the parking lot and I looked around as I parked. I couldn't see Arlo anywhere and I wondered how he was going to reach me so quickly while being so far away.

I shut the truck off, tucking the keys into my pocket as I stepped out into the moonlight. The warmth of the moon's light was still there, a watchful gaze, expectant of something to happen. I wondered what our goddess saw when she looked at me. I wondered if she could look through it all and see just what was wrong with me. I wondered if she would judge me like I knew my ways did. I looked away from the half moon and trudged towards the brightly lit diner.

An old bell chimed above the door as I pushed it open. The smell of the building was nostalgic. I used to take Arlo here when we were younger. When our parents stopped looking at us, their eyes only for Malak we would sneak out and I would take him here for ice cream, hoping to give him something he could remember, hoping he would remember that someone in our family cared for him. I didn't doubt he had chosen this location for that reason. I hoped he remembered those days fondly because sometimes they were the only things I had to cling to when the doubt and the anger and the shame swirled inside of me so thickly I would throw up.

It was hard living in a world that denied the very core of your design and having to rule on a throne that you couldn't escape. I had no choice. There was nothing I could do but deny who my wolf and I were to fit into the box they had given us. I stared at the old and chipped tiles as I took the farthest seat from the counter.

There was a rather cold edge to the air that drew those memories of Arlo and I to the front as I sat in the spot we had declared was ours. My fingertips immediately finding the crudely carved initials on the window sill that someone had tried to cover with paint. We were still there, a physical reminder of the times I had been happy, had laughed with my little brother over stupid things, not feeling like I had to hide anything.

I let out a heavy sigh. The slight silence of the diner was hard on me, letting my thoughts take over, my feelings roll through me. Fear was prevalent, shame as well. I was scared of seeing Arlo again, embarrassed and shameful of my secret. I was terrified of what would happen if I told him. My heart slowly started to pound in my chest as I placed my hands on the top of the table, spreading them out to stop me from cutting my palms as I clenched them tightly.

"Hey, hon, do you want anything?" At the warm voice I snapped my gaze towards the old and tired looking blond haired mundane as she held a pad of paper in her hands. I stared at it before I flicked my gaze up to hers. I doubted mundanes knew how easy their lives were. They didn't have these issues, the problems, the wolf that rode them to be who they were but the humanity knowing it could never happen.

"A new life." The words rumbled out of me and she frowned slightly before she lowered her pad of paper and pen. I felt my cheeks flush slightly. I hadn't meant to say anything to her.

"Is everything alright, hon? You're lookin' a little pale." There was a soft kindness to her eyes that let me know of just how fragile and mundane she was. Shifters never looked at a stranger lie that, like they wanted to help.

"I'm fine." I turned back to the table and stared at my hands. They were rough and calloused. Thin scars covered them from the harsh training I forced them through, the fights I had been forced to initiate to protect myself and the secret I was so tired of holding onto.

"Now I don't believe that for a hot second. What ever it is, hon, I'm sure it will be alright." A warm hand grasped my shoulder and the mundane woman gave me a warm smile and gently gave my shoulder a squeeze. "You call me if you need anything, sugar." I gave a slow nod and she gave my shoulder one last squeeze. I glanced at her as she walked away. Mundanes didn't now just how lucky they were to be so... normal. They didn't have to become hard from birth, they didn't have to fight to survive in a world that would emotionlessly kill them if they didn't. They could show warmth and love to those they cared about. I ached for that at times.

A movement out the window caught my eye and I turned my head, my eyes narrowing. Two figures materialized from the shadows. My eyes widened slightly in shock as I realized one was Arlo. How had he managed that? One moment there was nothing and the next it was like he and the other male simply appeared. I stared at them as Arlo gestured with his hands before the other male nodded and simply disappeared. My heart thumped in my chest as I blinked at the spot he had previously been. I scanned the area, looking for something, anything, to tell me where he had gone but he had simply vanished.

The old bell chimed loudly in the diner and my gaze snapped immediately to Arlo as he entered. He looked tired but as his eyes landed on me they crinkled at the corners, a smile making his face seem warm. He moved towards me and I suddenly felt trapped in my spot, my hands clenching tightly as my breathing became ragged. My heart pounding in my throat and my mouth went dry as I looked for a way to escape as Arlo slid into the booth across from me.

"Hey." He reached over the table and grasped one of my hands. I immediately look at his hand and he slowly pulled my hand out of the fist I had it tightly curled into. Faint smears of blood let me know I had nicked my skin. His grip was comforting and warm and tears burned my eyes. How I had missed him. "What's wrong?" His voice was soft and comforting. There was an edge to his tone that was strictly Arlo, an earnest feeling to it that let me knew he truly cared about what i was going through.

I met his gaze, his brown eyes were warm and inviting with a touch of worry as he clasped my hand between his own. My stomach churned and I felt like I was going to throw up. The words I wanted to say were trapped in my throat and I couldn't say them. I didn't want to ruin that look, that love he had for me. I didn't want to taint our relationship like I had tainted so many other things in my life. I didn't ever want to say anything that would turn his love to hate and disgust.

I went to pull my hand away from his and his grip only tightened, holding me fast. "I know that something is wrong, Nexus. Tell me." His grip was strong and I knew I could have yanked free if I tried but the waitress was looking at us and I couldn't cause a scene. "You can tell me anything, Nex. We are family." Bile rose up and touched the back of my throat. I so wanted to tell him, I wanted to let him know and have him tell me it was okay, that he didn't care but there was a heavy risk that he wouldn't. There was the larger possibility that he would look at me with disgust. I didn't want that. I never wanted that.

"I can't." The words were straggled and choked as they escaped and I shook my head, trying to pull my hand away once more and Arlo shushed me gently, a soft tone that was meant to soothe. I felt my eyes burn as they filled with tears. This was a mistake. I couldn't do this.

"Its alright." It was a soft and comforting tone of my little brother. The tone that he always used when he found me beaten up after Malak took his frustration and anger out on me. When he decided to beat the gay out of me no matter how many times I told him I wasn't. Arlo hadn't learned what I was then but he had comforted me all the same. He had taken care of me because I was his family, his big brother and he never looked too closely.

My heart beat seemed to pound in my skull as i looked up at Arlo. He looked so earnest and I opened my mouth to tell him I wanted to leave but the words got caught in my throat. I coughed, my eyes burning worse as I opened my mouth once more. "I'm gay." The world seemed to stop as the two words escaped my mouth without meaning too. My heart dropped in my chest and Arlo's grip on my hand loosened as he blinked at me in shock, his eyes narrowing slightly as he looked at me. His head tilted a fraction to the right as if he were suddenly able to see me for what I was.

My heart once again started to beat frantically against my chest as the panic set in. I had messed up and I knew I wouldn't be able to stay to see the disgust that would be in Arlo's eyes as he looked at me. I couldn't survive that. Shame flooded me and I hated myself for what I was. I never should have listened to what my heart wanted. It only managed to break itself.