chapter eight:
poker face

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Beth feels like she is waiting for a telling-off from the headteacher. Sat hunched over on the sofa besides Chidi, she listens to the trickling fountain sounds outside Michael's office — only the lemongrass aromas and the water noises have lost their novelty, and all it does is make her wish she could kick it to the ground. Sanjay and Tahani are equally perturbed by the sudden events that have transpired. Eleanor Shellstrop does not belong here.

All Beth can think about is that at least they don't know what really happened to Janet...

... Nor do they know Jason's true identity. In this room he is Jianyu, sitting silently and cross-legged under the guise of meditation. (Beth seriously wonders whether she will trust her instincts again).

While Eleanor is in Michael's office, Tahani starts ranting against her. "I really do have sympathy for your situation, Chidi," she says. "I mean, you thought your soulmate was a good person, and then you learned that she's just an immoral grifter."

"Tahani, please—" Chidi tries to defend her, but is cut off.

"Am I wrong? Sanjay, back me up, won't you?"

Sanjay leans forward and shakes his head disapprovingly. "I just never would've thought it," he exhales, genuinely flummoxed. "I never thought Eleanor would do that."

"She didn't do anything," Chidi argues factually, "it's not her fault she was brought here by mistake."

Tahani raises her eyebrows. "Oh really? She didn't do anything? She lied to everyone. She caused a giant sinkhole into which poor Glenn fell. She caused a trash storm. She... well, she pretended to be my friend when I really needed one." The last point makes Tahani falter for a moment, before she goes back on a rampage. "And, lest we forget, she murdered Janet! As far as I'm concerned, the sooner she's gone, the better off we'll all be."

     "I don't know," Beth murmurs, "it just seems a bit... harsh."

     "Harsh? What's your idea of the threshold for the Good Place?" Sanjay challenges her. "Let's say we let it slide because Eleanor's nice enough, and then before you can blink, there'll be murders across the neighbourhood."

     "We're already dead, Sanjay."

     "That's not my point!"

     "Alright, fine, I don't want to argue about it!"

     Beth stares at the door and frowns. What is Michael asking Eleanor? All sorts of details about her real identity, probably. But the more she thinks about it, the more Beth struggles to buy that the woman behind that door deserves to be burning in Hell... or whatever they do to people in the Bad Place. Eleanor offered herself up when she could have stayed quiet. Sure, she is no saint either, but that's something.

     "I... I understand that Eleanor violated our trust, but please, when you're talking to Michael, try to think about what she's had to go through," Chidi pleads with them.

     Tahani and Sanjay exchange a look, then sigh.

     "Alright. I will, for you," says the former, tossing her glossy hair over her shoulder. "But we've been through a lot as well. You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé."

Sanjay squirms uncomfortably in his seat and glances at the trickling water fountain. His eyes dart between the exit and Michael's office.

"Hey," he whispers to Beth, "d'you think Michael will call me yet? I just need to use the loo."

"Oh, um... no, I'm sure we can cover for you."

"Thanks," Sanjay says, squeezing her hand before jogging out of the room.

Moments later the door to Michael's office opens, an ashen-faced Eleanor walking out. "Tahani, come on in," says the architect, looming in the doorway. His expression is beset with deep disappointment, which everyone knows is worse than outright anger.

Tahani stands up and walks over, greeting those remaining in the room: "Chidi, Jianyu, Beth... Imposter who soiled our paradise with her moral turpitude." The last part is very pointedly aimed at Eleanor.

"'Sup?" she quips in response.

     But once the door is closed, the coast is clear — these four walls are a safe space for them to discuss the truth, without Tahani or Sanjay to hear it.

     "Thank you for confessing," Chidi blurts out, "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't—"

     "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm amazing," Eleanor brushes it off with a tone of urgency. "Bad news. Michael knows I didn't kill Janet, which means it's only a matter of time before he finds out that you did, and that Beth was a witness, and that you did it because you were trying to stop Bonehead Jones over here—"

     "Hey, homies!" Jason chirps.

     "— Then he'll figure out that Jianyu's also a phony, and, here's the real dong-buster, Michael said anybody who did anything bad might have to go..." Eleanor cannot even muster the word, so she turns her thumb downwards and gives them all a despaired look. The translation for most of them is quite clear: the Bad Place. "Which means Jianyu's gone, you both might be gone, and all four of us are royally forking forked!"

Beth's heart plummets into her stomach with dread. She can't go to the Bad Place! When she was in school, she never so much as got a detention, so this entire ordeal is torturous enough.

     "This is terrible. What am I supposed to do if he asks me?" Chidi asks, doubled over with stomachache.

     "I don't know," Eleanor frowns. "Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches."

Jason nods solemnly in agreement. "That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep."

     Chidi, however, seems spellbound by Eleanor's philosophical musings. "You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. Yeah, I know we're in a miserable bind here, but... this might be the proudest day of my life."

"No offence, Chidi, but that's a real bummer of a life!" she hisses.

Beth stands up, hands creating a tense hammock for the back of her skull. "I mean, I'm a terrible liar, but... do you think we could make up some story? Something we all agreed on beforehand?"

"Not gonna work. He has a lie detector."

"A lie detector? Oh, fork..."

"Don't worry, I got you Eleanor," says Jason, "I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics."

Eleanor turns even paler. "Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that. Did you even hear what I just said about a lie detector? It's a... it's a glowing cube."

"Like the AllSpark? From Transformers?!"

"Sure, like the AllSpark from Transformers," Chidi rolls with it, "and he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything, so only smiles and nods when it's your turn. Got it?"

     Before Jason can answer, Sanjay walks back into the room; the four of them scramble back into their places to look semi-casual. He stops in the middle of the room for a moment, furrowing his brows at their suspicious behaviour. Then he sits down next to Beth. That totally makes her feel worse about lying.

     Time then begins to crawl along painfully. None of those who know the truth can relax entirely, not with either Sanjay or Tahani sat there. Tahani comes back in and leaves Michael looking rather lost for motivation, Sanjay's turn then goes by rather quickly — probably because his slate his clean, and he has met with Eleanor the least during his time in the Good Place. Then the agonising wait while Jason (or Jianyu) is in there with Michael is the worst. What if he blows their cover? Fortunately, when Jason re-surfaces, the worst he has is a bleeding finger from pricking a cactus.

     Chidi is becoming increasingly torn up with anxiety, his turn drawing closer by the minute, and the lie detector will sniff him out instantly.

     But there is one more person who can buy him only one thing — time.

     "Beth," Michael says, "come on in."

✮

     The first thing Beth notices is that the room is overflowing with cactus plants. Navigating them feels like an obstacle course, sucking in her stomach and keeping her arms close so that she isn't pinched by their spikes. Michael looks fed up with them in equal measure. Beth isn't sure she even wants to ask why he possesses so many cacti... but she does, anyway.

"Doing some redecorating?" Beth asks, gesturing to the cacti.

"Oh, that's Janet," he mutters, "she keeps summoning a cactus every time I ask for Eleanor's file."

"Yeah, it's out-balancing the Feng Shui in here a bit."

"Excuse me?"

"It's just– never mind." Interior decorating brain, she thinks to herself.

     On Michael's desk sits a large, luminous white cube. It might as well be a minimalistic desk light but it holds a certain mystery to it. She just needs to stay calm and keep her poker face.

     "Okay, before we start, let's do a quick test of the lie detector with you," Michael says. "I did this with the others just to calibrate things — well, except Jianyu."

     "Fair enough."

     "First, tell me a truth about yourself."

     Beth thinks for a moment. "I've been singing in a community choir since 2006."

     The cube instantaneously turns bright green.

     "Very good," Michael nods, "and now a lie."

     "Um... I had a pet guinea pig as a child?"

     This time, it turns red. This thing is scarily effective.

     "Well, it works. And it was a rabbit you had, wasn't it? She died when you were nine."

"Yeah, her name was Tiffany," Beth sighs sadly. "Dad found her after the neighbour's car rolled back onto her."

Michael scoffs under his breath. "It wasn't your neighbour."

"Wait, what—"

"Let's move onto the questions..."

The architect tucks his chair in, then studies Beth carefully through his spectacles. She has never been regarded so intensely by him before. She misses the fun, friendly Michael who gets excited over human knick-knacks.

     "Beth, did you murder Janet?"

     "No." Green light.

     "Do you know who did?"

     Swallowing thickly, Beth gives a weak nod. "Yes," she says. Green light.

     "Can you tell me who it was?"

     "Well, it's all a bit fuzzy in my memory. You know, trauma and everything." Red light. Beth lets out a sigh of defeat. Her palms are sweating, certainly leaving prints on her jeans. The luminous cube sits taunting her on the desk. But in spite of the pressure, throwing Eleanor or Chidi under the bus simply feels... wrong. "I could tell you," says Beth, "but I can't. I'm sorry." Green light.

Michael dips his head in disappointment. "I see. You're trying to protect your friends. But you know whoever it is, I'll find out sooner or later, right?"

"I know. I just... can't let it be me who makes it happen."

"Okay," he mumbles, "we'll move on to Eleanor. Now, during your time in the Good Place, have you interacted with Eleanor much?"

"Sort of. Not as much as other people," Beth admits. Green light.

"Can you think of anything that would've aroused suspicion?"

"Maybe in hindsight... yes, some things." Green light. "But she never seemed dangerous in any way."

"Do you think Eleanor deserves to go to the Bad Place?"

Beth grapples with the question for a while. No matter Eleanor's faults, she cannot see them being so damning that she should be sent to the Bad Place. And then she thinks about how she offered herself up when no one had asked her to; that had to count for something.

"No, I don't think she does. I think... I think it's too harsh. Should she be here, either? I don't know." The more she says it out loud, the more Beth gains courage to express something that has been bugging her. "And I have to say, this good/bad system you guys have going is pretty severe. There's such a fine line that lumps in so many good people with the– well, the really rock bottom ones. I mean, do you really mean to tell me that I made it into the Good Place over, I don't know, Florence Nightingale?"

Green light. Michael doesn't seem too pleased with her response. "First of all, thank you for your honesty. Second of all, I'm sorry Beth, but that is the way the system is. It's not up for discussion. It is literally in the fabric of the universe!"

"Right. Yeah, of course—"

"I thought you might understand that."

A quick flare of panic blooms in Beth's chest; Michael's quiet, disappointed tone bowls her over. Did she overstep? He wouldn't take it out on her, would he?

"Thank you, Beth. That'll be all."

Michael escorts her to the door, where she already feels impending dread on Chidi's behalf. She already sees the professor panicking as he's weighed down by awareness of all the ethical choices.

"Chidi, come on in—"

Suddenly Janet materialises next to Michael, hands held behind her back. "Hi there. I have Eleanor's file."

"Janet," he pleads, "if you hand me a cactus, I swear I will lose my mind."

But lo and behold, she presents him with a beige file folder. His eyes immediately light up and he snaps his fingers with eagerness; Beth just wishes it was about something lower stakes than this. "Oh, yes! Alright, here we go," Michael cheers. "Eleanor, come back in. Chidi, you stay here."

✮

     Eleanor's file had not done her any favours. Beth missed the grisly details of her life that were in there, but it was clearly enough to make Michael land on a decision — he called a train to take her to the Bad Place. Mercifully, however, he did grant her half an hour to say her goodbyes.

     Beth is leading the pack to say farewell as they head over to Eleanor and Chidi's house. Tahani and Sanjay trail behind her, not quite so keen (except for Jason, who is obliviously upbeat about the whole thing). When they reach the front door, she turns to the pack to see most of them frowning uncomfortably.

     "Guys, come on," Beth pleads. "If Eleanor's leaving, can we at least give her a nice send-off?"

     Sanjay takes a deep breath, instead spreading a smile across his features. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right."

     Beth turns back and knocks on the door, but finds it already unlocked. She opens it. In the middle of the room, Eleanor and Chidi are caught in a tight embrace. All she can see is his arms wrapped so intentionally around her, and the hazy endearment on her face as her chin rests on his shoulder. It is an unexpectedly sweet moment to walk in on; Beth only feels even more guilt and powerlessness when she sees the bond they have forged. What will Chidi do now?

     The pair then hear footsteps and realise they are not alone, thus letting go of one another.

     "What are you guys doing here?" Eleanor asks.

     "We wanted to see you off before you go," Beth replies.

     "It seemed like the neighbourly thing to do," Tahani adds.

     Emotion floods Eleanor's face rapidly. "You guys came to say goodbye... because you're my friends."

     "Well, I... suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you. Much as one might be fond of a street cat."

Eleanor walks forward and squeezes Tahani tight, trapping her arms in a hug. "Thanks, Tahani," she says. "Sorry about everything. I'm really glad we're friends."

Once they break away, Beth steps voluntarily into a hug from Eleanor. In one fell swoop, she feels such a strong fondness for her now that she's leaving. You only miss them when they're gone. Even if she hasn't seen her often enough, and even if she really isn't supposed to be here, Eleanor never hurt her personally. Unfortunately, Beth isn't sure she can say the same likewise...

"Eleanor," Beth says, holding her shoulders and looking at her, "I wanted to apologise for what I said. You know... earlier."

Discretion is key here, for Tahani and Sanjay are still in the dark. She replays what she had said to Eleanor in her head, after all the stress of discovering her secret and Janet's murder, Beth had snapped. "Why should we pay the price because you can't accept that you were meant to go to the Bad Place?" Oh God, it all sounds so wrong now. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The words taste sour in her mouth.

     Luckily, Eleanor seems to get the message. "That's okay, you were entitled to feel that way—"

     "No, I wasn't..." Beth shakes her head. "I was angry and scared. I didn't really mean it."

     She smiles at her. "Thanks. Not just for that, but, you know... everything."

     After some other goodbyes, the group decide to escort Eleanor to the train station, Chidi most anxiously. Beth has not met any of the Bad Place demons yet, but has heard some pretty repulsive things about them just from what Eleanor had to say on their way over. She catches her first glimpse through a haze of steam coming from the old train. No red pointy horns, nor a forked trident. Instead there is man with about the most punchable face she's ever seen, wearing a blazer over a t-shirt with "Dress B*tch" emblazoned on the front.

     "Interesting shirt," Beth whispers.

     "You don't wanna know..." Eleanor mutters under her breath, sounding guilty.

     The demon, apparently named Trevor, walks up to her on the platform. "Oh, hey dum-dum. You ready to go?" Then he spots Chidi lingering protectively at Eleanor's side. "Oh, you must be Chidi. Trying to improve her. Bold plan, bro."

     "Well actually," Chidi fires back, "she learned a great deal in a very short amount of time—"

     "Oh, really? Really? I don't care. Alright, let's hit it!" Trevor yells, then starts obnoxiously poking Eleanor's dimples. "Also, you should smile more. You have such a pretty smile. Love you, babe. Can't wait to torture you."

     Oh yeah. Beth hates him.

     Just like that, a despaired Eleanor is carted off onto the train carriage without any meaningful last goodbye. Beth watches after her in anguish as she hears Trevor's mocking voice making an announcement over the speaker: "This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no reason. Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is– oops! You just thought about it."

Beth looks across at Chidi, fidgeting and curling his hands into fists the more he watches it unfold. He catches her staring and turns to her desperately.

"I can't do this, Beth," he blurts out. "I can't let Eleanor go there... with him."

In a moment of calm resolution that surprises herself, Beth takes a deep breath and nods. "Then we need to find Michael. Quickly!"

     While everyone else is distracted, Beth and Chidi slip away from the train station platform, running as fast as their legs will take them to Michael's office — time is of the essence. She has certainly never seen Chidi so decisive in a single moment. When they get there, the sea of cacti has instead been replaced by towers of pizza boxes, patches of grease seeping through the cardboard and scenting the room.

     "Michael?" Chidi calls out, searching through the skyline of boxes.

     The architect pops his head out from behind one of the pizza towers like a meerkat. "Oh, hi guys. Want some pizza?" he asks. "Bad Place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office. All Hawaiian, the worst pizza."

     Beth lingers curiously by one of the boxes, lifting the lid and spotting the tangy toppings — then reminds herself not to get distracted from the pressing issue at hand.

     "Michael, Chidi has something he wants to tell you—"

     "I murdered Janet!"

     The words tumble out of Chidi, stopping Michael dead in his tracks in complete shock. He clearly hadn't expected this from him, a moral philosophy professor of all things. But he doesn't stop there.

     "I knew about Eleanor from the beginning. I've been trying to help her become a better person, and when she found out that your retirement meant that you would be tortured, she immediately tried to find a way to prevent it..." Chidi is blurting all the words out, and yet none of it sounds frenetic; it is the most eloquent thing he has said in a while. "Eleanor is learning. She's just doing it after she died."

Beth smiles gently at Chidi. In the last twenty four hours, she had initially thought that Chidi and Eleanor's closeness had also been a lie this whole time. But she sees increasingly how untrue that is. In fact, their bond might be stronger for all they have endured together.

"Michael, please," Beth adds, hoping she can be effective, "you can't sent Eleanor to the Bad Place with that... bellend!"

Michael hums thoughtfully. "I did enjoy her company... but this is not Little League. There is no reward for Most Improved Player."

"Well, maybe there should be!" Chidi rebukes.

That makes Michael think. He pauses, possibly reflecting at lightning speed on Eleanor's time here.

"Just let her stay, please," Beth keeps pleading, "or send her somewhere else that isn't the Bad Place."

"Alright... but we'll have to hurry. Follow me!"

Before they leave, Beth has time to shoot just one wistful glance at the Hawaiian pizzas in their boxes — they won't leave, will they? — before running after Michael and Chidi. They race to the train station, where plumes of steam are already chugging towards the sky. Lactic acid burns in her legs and her breath rattles as she skids to a halt on the platform, catching sight of Eleanor's saddened face through the window.

"Stop this train!" Michael calls out.

It screeches to a halt, nearly throwing Trevor and Eleanor to the floor. Michael climbs onboard to retrieve the lone passenger.

"Dude, what the fork!" Trevor is audibly complaining.

"You're not leaving. Not with her. Not yet. Come on..." says Michael, escorting Eleanor out.

Eleanor stumbles off the carriage and back towards the group. She mouths the most grateful "thank you" Beth has ever seen, then joints Chidi at his side. He immediately reaches down and grips her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze — his way of letting her know that she isn't going anywhere. Beth looks to Sanjay, who seems bewildered but delighted by the sudden change of events. His hand dangles loosely too until she intertwines her fingers with his.

"Wait, you want to keep her?" Trevor whines to Michael. "Bro, that's our girl! We agreed on this."

"No, what we agreed on was that this was a mistake. Trevor, we're in uncharted territory here. Until we can sort this out, she stays with us."

     "Pfft, alright, fine. But until this is resolved, we're keeping the other Eleanor."

     "Fine– what?" Michael does a double take. "I'm sorry... the other Eleanor?"

     "Yeah, the real Eleanor. The one that was supposed to be here but got sent down to us instead? She's on the train." Trevor cups his hands around his mouth and calls into the gloomy carriage: "Eleanor, come on out!"

The group all watch in horror as, from the shadows, a petit young woman emerges. Tangled and matted black hair, a pair of large frightened eyes, dirt smudges all over her face and pale baggy clothing. She looks around at her surroundings, still hesitant as if only recently traumatised by something. She regards them all with their dropped jaws and finally speaks.

"Hi, everyone," she says timidly, "I'm... Eleanor Shellstrop."

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A/N:

felt like this chapter was a bit "meh" at points, but i still enjoyed writing it. it looks like beth and sanjay will be more integrated with the soul squad from now on. also i love beth already being a hardcore cheleanor shipper (was that me self-inserting? maybeee... i just love them)

on a different note, thank you so much for 5K reads! i'm constantly surprised and flattered to see how many people are reading this fic. didn't know there were so many TGP fans lurking on wattpad. but hey, it's a pleasant surprise, so thank you once again 🫶

( PUBLISHED: 22nd February, 2025 )