chapter eleven:
pobody's nerfect

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Tahani's idea has brought them all to Michael's office. He sits at his desk and clears his throat. "Now, I'm about to show you some very sensitive information..." he informs them. "The final point totals each of you achieved for all your actions on Earth."

     Beth doesn't know what to expect. The next thing she knows, Michel waves his hand, and a holographic leaderboard appears before her eyes:

6. Eleanor Shellstrop = +2,513,654
13. Sanjay Thakkar = +2,000,065
16. Chidi Anagonye = +1,948,668
245. Bethany Ardon = +1,296,499
321. Tahani Al-Jamil = +997,485

245th position... well, Beth supposes it could be worse. She is still miles beyond Tahani. In all honesty, she wonders which other residents she has beaten to get her position. It hardly surprises her that Sanjay is placed so highly — the 13th and 245th paired together, who would have thought?

"Whoa, your point total was crazy high, Eleanor!" Chidi pats Real Eleanor's shoulders in awe.

The Fake Eleanor gives a delighted little snort. "Oh, sorry," she giggles, "Crazy High Eleanor was my nickname in college."

"I accidentally saw these point totals when Michael was fixing the sinkhole," Tahani explains to everyone. "It gave me an idea. We will apply the formula to Eleanor's actions here in the Good Place, and if you earn enough new points, then we could argue that you should stay here."

It certainly sounds viable. "Would that work?" Beth asks Michael.

"Don't know," he sighs, "never had to prove someone belonged here before. But the judge will be here soon, and this is the best way to build our case."

"It's better than nothing," she agrees, squeezing Fake Eleanor's shoulder. "Where is she starting from?"

"Well, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million. Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, Eleanor, you have -4,008."

Fake Eleanor tries to hide the drop in her optimism, sinking like a pebble in the water. "That's... not great," she admits, before perking up, "but I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place, until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces!"

The red counter on the screen drops down a few digits and makes what sounds like an error noise.

"You just lost five points."

✮

To kick off Eleanor's redemption through good deeds, Beth and Tahani come up with general helpfulness around the neighbourhood. At the door of one of the plentiful frozen yoghurt shops, they allow her to hold the door for everyone walking in and out. Eleanor is testing her friendliest (and most genuine) smile towards each resident as they walk in.

"Hello! Hi, how are you?" she says, almost too sweetly, before rolling her eyes. "There has to be something bigger I can do than holding the door and waving. There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the Good Place."

     "Wal... mart?" Tahani asks, as though it as a foreign concept.

     "It's a place regular people go. You haven't heard of it."

     "Look, I know this is tedious, but holding a door for someone is three points, and if you do it for everyone in the neighbourhood, then that's almost a thousand points for just a start," she reminds Eleanor. "It's not as if you could, you know, sacrifice your life to save others, or change the consciousness of a nation. Both of which I did, by the way. Such fun!"

     Beth sighs and shakes her head. "Forever modest, Tahani..."

     Eleanor unclasps the points counter, rather resembling a golden pocket watch, which Michael gave to her. "This is pointless! The ticker isn't even going up, and everyone's giving me the stink eye."

     "They're not going to warm up to you immediately," Beth points out. "I mean, I didn't, when I found out the truth that day on the beach. I didn't want anything to do with you after learning the truth... no offence."

     "None taken," Eleanor shrugs; Beth hopes she knows that all that has changed now. She really wants her to stay, and feels she is deserving of a place here. At the very least, she doesn't deserve to go to the Bad Place, if it is filled with other awful demons like Trevor down there.

     "Eleanor," Tahani realises, "everyone hates you."

     The blonde cowers self-consciously, feeling the need to bite back. "Well, fork you, too."

     "No, this is good. Now that we know, we can actually do something about it."

     "What are you suggesting? A survey for constructive feedback?" Beth jokes.

     "Sort of, yes!"

     "And how are we going to organise this with the time we have left?"

     "Not to worry. I am an expert at mediating conflict," Tahani proclaims, "like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu."

While Beth makes a mental note of yet another outlandish Tahani anecdote, the trio start working on getting a focus group into place. It is held at Eleanor's house, and Beth takes on the job to spread the word around the neighbourhood. By the time they are all seated in the living room, being stared at by the freakish clown paintings, it is a rather good turn-out. At least they seem willing to help her become better... right?

Looking around the room, Tahani clasps her hands together. "I think that's everyone! Let's begin—"

The door swings open, one more resident fashionably late — Sanjay.

"Sorry for interrupting, Tahani, I only heard about it from Glenn because someone forgot to invite me," he remarks pointedly; Beth can feel his stare burning into her, although she tries to avoid it. For fork's sake. She had been hoping that Sanjay might have skipped this session. Anything to avoid the tension that lingers between them.

But as he sits down in front of the group, Beth hears her thoughts over again. What is she thinking? Beth can't keep playing chicken around Sanjay, just because she misinterpreted his cryptic signals. At some point, they have to talk about this.

Right now, it is about Eleanor. "Thank you all for participating in our focus group for Fake Eleanor," Tahani kicks off the introduction for everyone. "Think of this as an open forum for you to air any and all grievances that you may carry against her."

"Who would like to start?" Beth asks chirpily. In response, a woman with sleek black hair and a frown stands up. "Jessica, go ahead."

"I was flying on the second day," Jessica recalls to Eleanor, wincing at the memory, "and when you caused the trash storm, I crashed into a rotting turkey carcass, and it exploded. All this cartilage and bone got tangled up in my hair, and its skin was all over my skin. I didn't know where I ended and the turkey carcass began..."

Not a great start.

"Well..." Eleanor hisses a breath through her teeth. "If it makes you feel any better, your skin looks amazing!"

"Anyone else have some feedback?" Beth asks hopefully.

Another resident calls out, "My café got destroyed by the giant frog, then I reopened it and it fell into the sinkhole."

"Just like me, I fell in too!" Glenn adds.

With a hand on his heart, Sanjay stands up from his seat and looks around at all the residents. "Listen, I know Eleanor has caused a lot of havoc in the Good Place, but remember the aim of this focus group — she is trying to get better. So, let's hear it," he prompts them, "anything positive we can tell Eleanor about her progress so far?"

What follows is the most drawn-out, painful silence Beth has ever known. Sanjay slowly sits back down, rather embarrassed.

"Alright then," Tahani takes over, "let's rephrase this. Who else feels that Eleanor has ruined every moment of your existence since you arrived?"

An almost unanimous show of hands ripples through the room like a Mexican wave.

Tahani does a great job of making this seem perfectly normal. "Excellent! I must confer with Eleanor for a tick, so please, just enjoy the lemonade and cookies..."

Sanjay also joins the trio for their discussion away from the others, as Eleanor digests all the new information. "It seems everyone's problem with me is me," she concludes.

     "Maybe that's a bit harsh," Beth tries to soften the blow; it feels futile, and everyone knows it, because none of the residents in this room seem particularly happy about giving Eleanor a chance. She would have liked to think they were more benevolent and open-minded in the Good Place... then again, when you crash into a flying turkey carcass, you probably don't feel too forgiving.

     "The last moment they were happy was at my party," Tahani recalls.

     Eleanor's eyes light up. "We have to recreate that party. We have to take them back to that night before I started affecting the neighbourhood and give them a fresh start."

     Sanjay nods slowly, exchanging a look with Beth. "That's not a bad idea, actually," he hums.

     "We must throw the perfect party, or else you'll be tortured by demons forever," Tahani smiles giddily. "This will be the fourth most important party I have ever thrown!"

✮

Beth fees like she has walked into a time capsule. She is back in Tahani's glittering mansion in an evening dress, sampling the drinks and canapés. Sanjay is stood at her side, just like he was on her first night in the Good Place. Only so much has changed since then — discovering the truth about Eleanor and Jason, the constant push-and-pull with her soulmate, her own doubts of whether she is remarkable enough to be here.

Could she have anticipated all of this when she first arrived?

As she picks another smoked salmon canapé off a silver tray, Sanjay finally breaks their silence: "So, are we going to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Beth shrugs, feigning nonchalance.

"Don't try and brush this under the rug. I want to clear things up."

"Sanjay, you got cold feet. You always do. Just when I think we're getting closer, you pull away again."

Sanjay sighs. "I know... and I have my reasons."

"I'd love to hear them," Beth says. She doesn't even mean it spitefully. She is all ears.

"You'll think it's stupid."

"Try me."

He fidgets uncomfortably, his hands sliding in and out of his pockets. Sanjay only gets this nervous when it comes to defining romance in their relationship. "The thing is... I've never done this before," he gulps. "Dating."

She blinks at him, surprised. "What, never? Not even a girlfriend in school?"

Sanjay shakes his head. "I wasn't exactly Mr. Charming at school, I couldn't talk to girls at all. I just... froze up. Then when I got older, I don't know what happened. I got so wrapped up in my work, 'cause at least I know how to do that. I lost track of time. And no woman I've met since has shown any interest in a thirty-something guy who has zero dating experience."

"That's not true," Beth insists, "it's probably more common than you think, people just don't talk about it."

"I can bet everyone else here hasn't had that issue with their soulmate."

"I wouldn't worry. Why should you, when you're thirteenth in the neighbourhood rankings—"

As soon as she says it, Beth presses her fingers against her lips to seal them. Too late. The cat is out of the bag. She wishes she could kick herself. Meanwhile, Sanjay's eyes widen with growing bewilderment at the information. "How– how do you know that?" he asks, stunned. Beth cannot tell whether it is a good or bad awe that has struck him.

"Michael showed us the other day, so we could compare it with Eleanor's point total," Beth whispers, "but it slipped out, I'm sorry. You can't tell anyone!"

"Alright, I won't. But... thirteenth, eh? That's not too bad," Sanjay considers this. But he seems all too tense, looking around the partygoers laughing and chatting. "I wonder who the other twelve are, and what they did..."

This isn't good. "Sanjay, don't compare yourself, it's—"

The clink of a fork against glass cuts her off, dragging Sanjay's attention away from her. Beth can't even hold his hand to reassure him, since she can't figure out where they stand in this dynamic. Giving a sigh of defeat, she looks to the centre of the room, where Tahani and Eleanor are ushering Michael to take the floor for a speech.

"Hello, everyone," Michael murmurs despondently. "Good to see you all here, mingling around with your various secrets." Looking suddenly suspicious, he narrows his eyes into the crowds. "Who really knows which of you are who you say you are? No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right?"

Holy shirt.

"Okay, take her easy," Eleanor chuckles painfully, tugging Michael aside.

"Yes, well said," Tahani takes over cheerily. "Now, we shall hear from tonight's featured guest. She's kind, she's humble... she's the Walmart of friends. Did I use that word right?" One glance towards Eleanor confirms she didn't, the gentle shake of the head bemused by the whole thing. "Eleanor Shellstrop!"

Beth makes sure to applaud emphatically as Eleanor walks forward. It can't be easy, facing a sea of scrutinising faces on whom your fate may depend on.

"Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor. Original flavour, not new and improved. I know a lot of bad stuff has happened because of me, but I never meant to hurt you, so if I caused you any harm, I'm truly sorry."

"That's nice, Eleanor, but I still crashed into a turkey carcass," Jessica says bitterly.

"And I fell into a sinkhole," Glenn adds.

"And my dog got kicked into the sun," another woman laments. "What can you possibly say to us that'll make up for your actions?"

Eleanor sways on the spot for a moment, seeming to put together some earnest apology. Beth expects a monologue pleading for forgiveness. Instead, what she gets are two words, complete with a self-deprecating shrug:

"Pobody's nerfect?"

It takes a few moments for the joke to digest. It spreads invisibly through the room, lighting up their faces. Then almost all the guests erupt into raucous laughter. "Like nobody's perfect, but the letters are switched!" one of them howls, slapping his knee and wiping tears from his eyes. Beth and the others watch it all unfold in puzzlement — it wasn't that funny — while hoping it did the trick of warming them up to Eleanor.

     When the party winds down, it's just the small group with the burden of truth left behind. Now comes the moment of truth. Has all their hard work paid off?

"Eleanor, great job tonight," Michael congratulates her. "Have you checked the, uh, the ticker? I could really use some good news..."

Bracing herself, Eleanor opens the lid for the ticker, and glimpses at the number illuminated in red. Only a few measly points have crawled onto the counter. Not nearly enough to push her into the positive green area. "Gah, come on!" she exclaims in despair.

Michael's face sours. "Well, the nightmare continues."

Snatching the ticker from Eleanor's hands, Beth stares at the pathetic negative number in disbelief. "I can't believe that didn't work," she says, "after all that effort!"

     Something must click in Eleanor's mind, because she has that familiar look, like something has just dawned on her.

"There's no way to increase my point total, because everything I'm doing is out of self-preservation."

"I don't understand," Tahani frowns.

"My motivation is corrupt. Even when I do nice things, I'm only doing them so I can get something out of it — the ability to stay here — which means none of this had any real moral value. It doesn't count..." Eleanor's head suddenly snaps up, something else occurring to her, rather more like a bright idea than a brutal realisation. "Holy shirt. I know what I have to do."

✮

As it turns out, Eleanor's foolproof plan is to hand out sorry letters and personalised t-shirts to all the residents of the Good Place. The next day, Beth and Sanjay walk over to her house to help distribute them. They find stacks of sealed envelopes addressed to everyone here, along with woven baskets piled with "Pobody's Nerfect!" t-shirts.

     "Okay, I am almost done with these personalised I'm sorry notes to everyone in the neighbourhood. I need you guys to deliver everyone their notes, along with those t-shirts," Eleanor instructs them.

     Holding up one of the shirts to her chest, Real Eleanor asks, "Well, granted, these are hilarious, but how is this going to help?"

     "Just trust me. I'm gonna get the points."

     Taking Eleanor's word for it, the group disperse. Beth teams up with Sanjay to maximise their efforts in delivering the gifts, going door-to-door and leaving them on the step — at least theft doesn't seem like a huge crime in the Good Place. Does it even have crime? ("Apart from Janet's murder, no, I guess not," Sanjay had replied when she asked him).

     They walk side by side along a glittering stream, purely heavenly as it trickles through the cracks between rocks. In moments like this, Beth finds a long-awaited ease. There is no question of what they should be. And frankly, the more they discuss it, the more it exhausts her. Having a universe-approved soulmate is a lot more pressure than she expected. Sanjay must feel the same way based on how he tries to avoid that conversation so much.

     "You know," Beth says after a while, "we never finished that conversation we were having at Eleanor's party."

     Sanjay swallows thickly. "Right..."

     "I don't care that you haven't dated anyone before. I just wish you said sooner. I mean, no wonder the idea of us is stressful, when the universe is shoving it in your face!"

     "Beth—"

     "We can take things slow, just take our time."

     "This is exactly the problem," Sanjay sighs.

     She furrows her brows at him. "What is?"

     "This back-and-forth. You– I mean, we keep worrying about what we are. One minute, we say we won't rush things, and the next we're trying to define our relationship again." He places his hands on his hips, shaking his head with an exasperated laugh. "I didn't expect it to all feel so complicated..."

     "I'm not trying to put pressure on, I promise. That's the point this time." Beth thinks about Miles, and how that open wound had informed so many of her insecurities around Sanjay. Here was this perfectly wonderful man, and she had spent so much of her time in the Good Place worrying about when he would see the fault in her. She had longed for the validation that being soulmates hypothetically brought.

Now, Beth likes to think she knows better. They are together for a reason. But it certainly won't work if she keeps forcing it into something it isn't.

"I'll just make this easier for the both of us," Sanjay decides. "This, the two of us, it isn't going to work."

Well, that wasn't what she had expected.

"... Are you– are you sure?" Beth asks, pleading internally that he will reconsider.

"I'm positive. You deserve someone better than me, who won't get cold feet all the time. I will move out tomorrow so you don't have to worry anymore."

"Sanjay, don't do that—"

"I think it's best," Sanjay smiles, like he is doing her a favour. "Now, let's just go back to the house and return these baskets."

Beth scoffs in disbelief. "That's it? You're not even going to listen to what I have to say? If we're going our separate ways, it should be a mutual decision. You aren't even fighting for us." Something about the way he decides to wrap this up himself ticks her off.

He glares at her. "Beth... let it go, please," he mutters.

She can't believe this. It is like he put up a glass wall between them, not even wanting to hear her side. Sanjay shows no desire to co-operate the whole time they walk back to Chidi and Eleanor's house. Beth trails far behind him. Fine, she thinks, if you want to leave things like that, two can play at that game.

Beth tries to leave the bad mood at the doorstep, but gets some inside like dirt on her shoes. Real Eleanor immediately picks up on it. "Is everything okay, you guys?" she asks.

"Oh, just peachy," Beth smiles tightly back, while Sanjay sighs loudly.

"Have you two seen Eleanor? I mean, the– er– fake one?" Tahani asks the pair; when they shake their heads, she stares off into the distance thoughtfully. "Where do you suppose she is?"

"I hope she's okay," Real Eleanor says worriedly. "You know, the more I work on her case, the more I think she truly belongs here."

Chidi, stood with her at the kitchen island, lowers his voice confidentially. However, the sound travels so well in here that it is totally futile. "I'm... I'm sorry that I haven't been able to say... what you want me to say, because I-I do want to say it," he says. By "it", Beth knows he means the L-word. It was Real Eleanor who suddenly told him that she loved him, and Chidi had gotten into a panic and not been able to say it back.

He isn't the only one with that problem, Beth thinks, glancing at Sanjay.

"What's holding you back?" asks Real Eleanor.

"Honestly, my biggest fear is just making sure that my motivation for saying it..." Chidi trails off, his thoughts seeming to bump into one another in his head. He suddenly stands up and walks down the steps, over to the coffee table where the points ticker is sat.

"Chidi?"

Beth looks over his shoulder as he opens the lid, and her jaw drops when she sees the new number for Eleanor's point total: 1,362,322. It is a very admirable number and above the neighbourhood average.

"Wow!" Tahani gasps. "How did she suddenly...?"

"Her motivation changed," Chidi realises, "She couldn't earn enough points by apologising to everyone here, because she was only doing it to earn enough points to stay here. But she did earn enough points, which means that she's decided not to stay here, which means—"

"— She's leaving," Beth finishes his sentence, feeling a flash of remorse spread through her. She can't leave. She was about to earn her place here.

The group all waste no time in running to the train station. They skit to a halt at the platform, where plumes of smoke are rising from the steam train slowing to a halt. The Judge. Beth knows it must be him, judging by how Michael scurries out of nowhere towards the platform, adjusting his collar nervously.

     Meanwhile, no sign of Eleanor. Hopefully she hasn't left already...

     The Judge, Shawn, steps out into the sunlight from the platform. Beth doesn't know whether to be underwhelmed or intimidated. He seems about average height, with neatly combed hair and a completely straight face. The rest of him is cloaked in judicial robes. For an omnipotent power over the universe, Shawn looks remarkably... normal.

     After Michael greets him, Shawn says in a monotone, "I'm here to rule on the fate of Fake Eleanor Shellstrop."

     "Yes, yes. Um, I think we have a rock-solid case for Fake Eleanor," Michael promises him. "I truly believe she's a good person."

     "Are you sure?" Shawn deadpans, raising an eyebrow. "Because I believe she's stealing my train."

     Right on cue, the steam train whistles and starts chugging slowly along the tracks. Through one of the windows is, indeed, Eleanor Shellstrop sat guiltily looking out. Also there is Janet and Jason, who seem far less riddled by their conscience over this. All everyone can do is stare back as she slips out of reach. "I'm sorry, Michael! Sorry everyone..." Eleanor waves regretfully.

     Just like that, they are gone. To where? Beth has no idea.

     "Well... not great for my case," Michael coughs awkwardly.

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A/N:

trouble in paradise (pun intended) for beth and sanjay... being soulmates isn't as simple as it looks, apparently! i'm sorry if it feels very back and forth, but the pay-off is coming, i promise.

felt like my writing slacked a bit in this chapter, but hey, pobody's nerfect 🙈 i also didn't want to linger too much on descriptions in this one, because we are charging full-steam ahead towards the end of act one! so excited to write the finale. i hope you guys are ready 👀

( PUBLISHED: 16th August, 2025 )