I feel so much better talking in here than people in real life
I can say my problems, I can feel better about them and I can move on a little.
It's really hard for me to talk to anyone in real life it's seems or it's been like that this past week
Recently I've been feeling like my problems don't matter, what I'm feeling doesn't mean anything and who I am is nothing compared to others
So I've been using this place as a way to rant and get something out to the world.
And I realize
Oh
Someone from real life is reading this
They'll probably talk to me about it
And I'll try avoiding it as much as possible
And it'll backfire
And I'll feel worse.

This is way I sometimes feel like it's best that you guys don't know me in real life.
I would be a pretty bad friend.
wellithinkso

At school I've been
Shaking
Panicking
Unable to construct art
Not able to work
And had spasms of sorts
I want to say something like "OH ITS OK IT WAS ONLY TODAY JUST A SMALL PANIC ATTACK IM FINE."
No
I felt uncontrollable of my body. I felt like I could contain my feelings and thoughts
I felt utterly horrible.
And what was worse was it never really happened when I was alone (expect for in Japanese but it wasn't that bad then)
When I was alone I felt alien and scared. I don't know how else to explain it or how I looked
Expect for i think I looked really
Dead.
Just
Pure
Death was in my eyes.
I remember being hunched over, walking a bit slanted. Or my ear would be touching my shoulder.
Normally when I walk like that, there is clearly something up.
No matter how much I deny it
There is something wrong.

Going back to the NOT being able to talk about my problems due to belittling myself
I've been trying to avoid conversations with people but trying to get to converse with other people who seem to have no interest in talking with me at all
Well that's how I see it.

Aughhhh
I hate myself for feeling terrible and hating myself
WHOOOOOO

i HATE it how people throw around mental illnesses.
mainly Depression and OCD and bipolar
Depression is not because of being sad. Sure sadness is a factor but it's not the pure reason.
You can feel depressed if your life is ok
And I'm pretty pretty sure you can have a 'terrible life' and not have depression
It's different for everyone
You feeling a little sadddd is not depression (unless you have been diagnosed, BY A PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST. Then I don't know)

(I know society wo t read this but I don't care.)

Now i know very little about ocd but I do know that jussssst because you think something is a little off to you about a thing on your desk and it keeps bothering you, and again you haven't been diagnosed, and once you fix it you feel better, it's not that.

Obsession/ obsessive

Compulsive

Disorder

Lastly bipolar
Just because you act like a jerk then act nice doesn't mean you're bipolar.

Bipolar is the common and very random switch between happy episodes and depressing episodes in your life which ALSO CANT BE SELF DIAGNOSED BUT MUST BE TOLD BY A PROFESSIONAL.

I needed to say that.

Oh and one last thing to any random person
Stop depending on me to make you happy. Stop depending on me to be happy. Stop it. I'm trying to be happier myself. NOT YOUR HOUSEKEEPER

Anyways thanks. Ill be fine and so will you. I'm looking at all of you real life friends although I won't. Ill be nervous now that you know what I'm thinking.
Night.