KABANATA 01:

Let's have a deal, shall we?

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❝ Everyone has formed their own judgments. Looking merely at the exterior of others. All you could see was how hollow the eyes were within. But in the thick of the chaos, I'll be watching you from afar. Even if it was impossible. Please look at me. ❞ — from the fragments of photographs 

༄彡፨֍༄彡፨༄彡፨֍

NAGLAKAD AKO nang diretso tapos hindi lumilingon at seryoso ang mga tingin ko. Mabibigat ang bawat yapak ko at walang pakialam sa ingay sa paligid. Kumunot na lang ang noo ko habang hinila ko 'yung apron sa bewang ko, saka mariing itinali. Inikot-ikot ko pa ang pagkakatali nito, sabay padayak at panay kagat sa labi sa sobrang inis.

 If one could assess how I felt, it appears that rage was boiling over.

All I could feel was a driving of heat around my chest and a hot point stroke in every cell. And if I could, I would completely smash everything, but the tranquility was keeping the best in me hidden.

Within the walls, a lively atmosphere enveloped the space; the sound of clinking utensils echoed through the room, mingling with the cheerful chatter of patrons engaged in animated conversations. Maraming mga customer ang bumabalik dito at punuan lagi ang lugar. Para bang sa bawat minuto, may bagong grupo na pumapasok at may ilan namang nagmamadaling umalis na may dala-dalang mga takeout.

As I stood there, a sense of overwhelming fatigue washed over me, my hands trembling as if they might collapse under the weight of my responsibilities. My chest felt like a thousand shards had fractured within, leaving no moment for breath or respite. This chaos was the routine of my life, a relentless buzz of activity that defined my work. If I'm honest, it was a whirlwind of busyness that seemed to envelop me at every turn.

"Galit ka ba niyan, teh?"Halley raised an eyebrow, observing the way my brow furrowed and sensing my less-than-cheerful mood. With a gentle shake of her head, a soft chuckle escaped her lips.

"Hindi, natutuwa!" Irap ko sa kanya.

Umiling lang siya tapos inayos ang buhok niya saka ako sinungitan. Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay at napabuntong-hininga, tapos tiningnan pa ako nang masama. "Eteri, ano ba 'yang ikinapuputok ng budhi mo girl?" Sa tarayan, tiyak na hindi papatalo 'tong babaeng 'to.

Ano'ng problema ba kamo?

It was that guy!

Thanks to him, halos 50% na yata ng customers dito kanina ko pa natatarayan. Other girls in the corner appear to be looking at me with hateful expressions. I'm trying to breathe in here, but your air has turned against me, making me sick.

Both of our breaths appear to try to push around within the mess that you attempted to make yourself, miss. Fortunately, even though I get irritated with them, I can express my feelings through poetry.

And I'm not the type of person who seeks revenge; instead, I express my thoughts in the way that I choose. And creating proses, poetry, and writing allows me to express myself freely. I folded my arms and let out a sigh, mirroring the expression of those who often regard me with raised eyebrows and skeptical glances.

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Despite your desire to spread out the thunder clashing you construct upon yourself, I prefer to remain where I am, where peace exists within me. Isa pa, kung gusto nilang magalit, edi magalit na lang sila. It was only one mistake in that summer. Hindi na 'yon mauulit muli. And I refused to allow that to happen again.

Kinuha ko 'yung maliit kong notebook sa bulsa kasama yung ballpen ko, tapos hinarap ko 'yung kaibigan ko, at saka pinitik-pitik 'yung notebook gamit 'yung ballpen, tapos tinitigan ko siya ng seryoso. "So, ano'ng pong sa 'yo kamahalan kong Halley?" 

"Dodging the question, ha? Akala mo girl! Bali-balita na pinagtanggol ka ng ex mo, 'yung nakilala mo noong Senior High School tayo do'n sa summer—" 

"Orders po, madame?" I glanced down at my notes, attempting to remain unaffected, but a frown creased my brows as I shot her a fleeting glare.

Ang dami pa niyang sinasabi! I don't even want to talk about that guy. Pasakan ko pa siya ng gamot, tutal mukhang kailangan niya naman eh.

After he ghosted me, tingin mo kailangan ko pa ng tulong mula sa kanya? I don't think so.

Wala na siyang karapatan sa buhay ko pagkatapos niya akong iwanan. Isa pa, 'di ako interesado sa mga kalokohan na 'yan. I'm on the verge of breaking down, with each note replaying itself inside my head.

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I have a deep passion for reading and writing, though I'm not quite sure when it all began—perhaps it started when I got a little notebook and began jotting down my thoughts. And whenever I observe librarians and teachers interact with books and engage with students in the classroom, I can't help but admire them, which is a big part of why I've chosen to pursue this course. Hindi biro ang kurso ko. Marami ka pang kailangang pag-aralan dito.

Iyong tungkol sa databases, search engines, indexing techniques, retrieval models at iba pa. Parang ito na ang pinakamahirap na subjects sa kurso ko.

Isa pa, isa sa mga tanong ba naman ng research mo ay ganito: what do you need to understand by information society? Define Library and discuss its role in modern society?

Kung akala niyo na sulat-sulat lang 'to, halika rito  at ikaw na lang ang magsulat ng mga assignment ko. Sige, tignan ko lang kundi ka mabuang sa 1000 words per at per questions tapos ilang pages pa sasagutan mo! Para patas lang, hindi lang ako may 'yung burden dito di 'ba?

Kaya kailangan kong galingan. Technically, wala namang choice. To attain my objective of being a licensed librarian, I must be an academic achiever. Kukuha pa ako ng lisensya sa Professional Regulation Commission at tutuloy pa ako ng master's degree. So I have to strive and study harder.

Marami sa iba ang liit ng tingin kapag educator ka. Pero kapag abogado, doctor, accountant, architect, engineer o nurse literal na nasa'yo na ang respeto. Pero 'pag nasa education ang profession mo, lagi kang minamaliit and worse, 'di mo pa nakukuha ang sapat na sweldo dito. 

Pero kahit maliit ang tingin nila dito, wala akong pinagsisihan. I chose this path, even though it may not be as prestigious as other occupations. It's a dependable and rewarding professional path, especially if you're really interested about being a librarian, right?

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And being in the books smells like eternity; the pages draw you deeply into a world where you can escape all of your despair by indulging yourself in the adventures of the pages.

Kaya heto, doble kayod ako para sa future. I also work in one of the bars and pubs at Crave Mixers Manila. At isa akong waitress dito.

Halley grinned, "The usual, carbonara, and some sprite, please."

"Himala, 'di ka iinom niyan Halley?" Ngisi ko na lang sa kanya.

She ruffled her hair with a playful flick of her fingers, letting it cascade about her shoulders in the most adorable way. She was fully aware of my gaze, and the subtle smirk that danced on her lips told me she could read my thoughts like an open book. 

She reacted immediately, her voice teasing and cutting. "Hindi pwede eh! You're familiar with my boyfriend."

"Edi sana all, pinipigilan uminom." Irap ko sa kanya

"Ba't hindi kasi—"

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"No!" Tinitigan ko siya at napalunok ako tapos bigla akong nakaramdam ng panghihina sa mga sinabi niya. Tapos napapikit na lang ako saglit. Sa isang iglap, bigla akong naalala ng mga bagay na dapat ay hindi ko na pinapansin—mga nakaraan ko.

Kaya iniling ko ang ulo ko tapos pinisil ang bibig ko at tinignan ko si Halley nang matagal. Huminga ako nang malalim at parang nanigas sa pagkakatayo, sabay tiningnan ko siya ulit. "Boys will distract me. Tsaka isa pa, seryoso ako sa kurso ko di 'ba? BLIS student ako at wala akong pakialam sa mga lalaki!" 

That's correct. Plus, I don't have the looks, kaya utak ko naman ang mapapakinabangan di 'ba? Pero kung tatanungin mo ako, bukod sa pagiging matalino, may iba pa akong gustong gawin.

Just what did you think I was doing with my makeup blogs? Kahit nahihiya ako, nag-makeup pa rin ako para ipakita ang sarili ko sa mga tao kahit may insecurities ako dahil sa vitiligo.

Dahil gusto kong maging professional make-up artist.

And I doubt my own family will even agree to it. Kaya eto kailangan kong patunayan ang sarili ko sa kanila, kahit na mababa ang  tingin nila sa 'kin.

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"Serious ka sa study mode mong yarn ha? Panindigan mo 'yan,"Tapos inirapan ni Halley, tapos pumalakpak pa siya habang nilalakas niya 'yung magpalakpak para lang masabi na oo, naka-move on na ako o kaya hindi, kasi alam niyang marupok pa ako. Sa totoo lang, ewan ko na talaga kanya! 

Tapos, binago pa niya 'yung usapan at bahagya niya akong tinapik. "Pero teka, kamusta na 'yong vlogs mo? Lagi kang pinaguusapan sa social media, ha. They wanted to see your face, Sunshine Grin—" 

Nanlaki na lang ang mata ko sa mga sinabi niya. I looked around to see if anyone was listening to us, and I gently closed my eyes, feeling the sweat streaming down my face. A rush of exhilaration surged through me, causing my heart to race. I gently closed my eyes, pressing my hand to my chest as if to steady the storm within. Hindi naman talaga ako basta napapagod, kahit medyo stressful dito sa restaurant eh, pero sa totoo lang mas nakakastress pa 'yang bunganga ng kaibigan ko eh.

Kung pwede nga lang na pasakan ko na lang 'yang bunganga ni Halley, gagawin ko talaga! Nanigas na lang 'yung mga paa ko at 'di na ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko na parang lalamunin na lang ako ng lupa sa mga sinabi niya. Tsaka, walang pwedeng makakaalam niyan ha! Wala talaga!

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Bumilis agad ang tibok ng puso ko. Agad kong nilahad ang kamay ko tapos tinakpan ang bibig niya, at saka ko siya sinabihan, "Shhhh!" Agad akong lumapit kay Halley tapos hinila ko siya sandali papunta sa'kin, pagkatapos ay inayos ko na lang ang facemask ko at pinikit ko ang mga mata ko. Halley is testing my patience.

Ang daldal ng babaeng 'to kahit kelan e! I'd be in trouble if she spoke up.

Come on, it was meant to be a secret! Keep it a secret, okay!?

'Di nila pwedeng malaman kung sino ako. And I have no intention of revealing my identity. Or maybe I had the nerve to expose my face. I'm this kind of girl. A cereal monster. Like how most people see me because of my Vitiligo.

My pupils dilated as I looked around the room, changing my focus from one table to another, and I felt frozen in place, my mouth slightly parted. A stiffness crept up my shoulders, as if the air itself was vibrating with anticipation.

I glanced around, feeling as though I were stepping into this space for the very first time, taking in every detail with wide-eyed wonder. Ang kapaligiran ay gawa sa kahoy at sa dulo nito ay may mahahabang upuan, at sa paligid ng mga customer ay naroon ang mga bintana. And then I grabbed my tray after noticing how I looked in the mirror.

I'm basically a girl with long cinnamon brown hair highlighted with blonde and floral violet, flat brows, upturned green eyes, heart-shaped lips, tanned complexion, and a lot of white pigmentation on my face, shoulders, and arms. So that's how my Vitiligo spread throughout my body.

Art credits to shrimpcage Thank you for creating this wonderful artwork of Eteri! Napakaganda niya sa imagination ko, at lalo mo pa siyang pinaganda. She seems to have stepped right out of the book—kudos to you and your imaginative talent!

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That's why I hid it below my facemask. And, if they knew who I was, would they even watch my vlogs? Nah. They will not. In this world, looks mean everything. Kaya ayoko umasa.

"Why?" Napakunot-noo si Halley tapos pinikit sandali ang mga mata at kumurap pa nang ilang beses, saka inayos ang pagkakaupo at inabante ang upuan niya. Napahawak siya sa kanyang noo at halatang litong-lito na rin.

"You're not that bad." Haley convinced me, "Baka ikaw lang kasi ang nag-iisip niyan, pero tanggap kita, at lalo nung mga wonder pets noh! You know that we're always here for you Eteri." 

Naniniwala ako kay Halley at pati na rin sa iba kong mga kaibigan kasi ang totoo niyan, kasama ko si Halley pati sina Lovelyn, Cana, at Lirisha mula pa noong Senior High School.

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When I needed a home, Halley was there for me. She begged to share a dormitory with me. Nakakahiya nga. Ayoko na talaga siyang guluhin! Pero siya pa 'yung nagsabi na parang hindi naman daw ako sanay na  magkakasama kaming lima noong senior high, at para wala na rin daw akong maging problema sa pag-aadjust sa college.

She's that kind of friend. Someone who always follows up on me, even when I don't want to. I was an awkward and shy girl and I tend to keep my conversations brief. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy conversations. It was difficult for me since I was bullied.

Halley was an Interior Design student. She's studying at Normane University in Laguna. STEM ang strand niya noong senior high school. Kasi hindi siya pumasa sa philosophy, kaya ang ending sa designing siya bumagsak. Ngayon tuloy, marami siyang drawing plates.

Pero seryoso.

Without her, hindi ko alam kung paano ko makakayanan lahat 'to.

Napahawak ako sa aking labi, at saka ako bahagyang ngumiti at tinaasan siya ng kilay. Unti-unting gumuhit ang ngiti sa aking mga labi habang dahan-dahan akong lumalapit sa kanya.

I flipped through the pages, the soft rustle of paper filling the air as I took a moment to gather my thoughts. Lifting my chin slightly, I felt a surge of confidence wash over me. I pursed my lips in contemplation, the corners curling into a reassuring smile as I straightened my posture, standing tall.

My gaze locked onto hers, hoping to convey the warmth and encouragement I felt inside." Sige, sige, maniniwala na ako kasi sinabi mo. I will just take your orders, okay?" 

"Yes, sobrang gutom na ako!" sabi ni Halley sabay nguso

"Magdusa ka. Kadaldalan mo kasi 'yan." Irap ko sa kanya

"Luh! Parang 'di ka madaldal, inaabot ka pa nga ng 3 am kakadaldal sa anime kagabi ah." Halley fights back at umirap na lang ako. Babaeng 'to, hilig akong ilaglag!

Nagmadali akong kunin ang order ni Halley na carbonara at Sprite. Nang nagtagpo ang aming mga mata, binigyan ko na lang siya ng isang ngiti, na agad naman niyang ginantihan. Maingat kong isinuksok ang maliit kong note sa bulsa, pagkatapos ay inayos ko ang suot kong apron. Napansin kong kumaway ang manager mula sa mesa sa dulo ng café. Habang papalapit siya, nakaramdam ako ng kaba. Ano kaya ang kailangan niya?

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"Ah, yes po?"Tanong ko na lang sa manager namin.

"Wala ka namang order 'di' ba?"He immediately asks me.

"Si Halley—" 

"Eteri..."

"Sige po, mamaya na lang."

Tumango siya, saka bahagyang ngumiti. Saglit niyang iniangat ang ulo niya at itinuro ang upuan sa dulo. Nasa gilid lang ang mga kamay niya habang diretso niya akong tinitigan. "Good then! Someone's asking for you. Over there," Matagal siyang nakatingin sa Table 16. Hindi ko masyadong makita kung sino 'yung lalaki kasi iwas siya ng iwas sa'kin. Medyo nakayuko pa 'yung posisyon niya. Pero ang napansin ko, naka-hood siya at may suot na lab coat sa ilalim. Sino ba 'to? 

I tried to be kind, but I found myself rolling my eyes as I realized how ridiculous this thought was. "Sir, 'di ako isang bayarang babae. Can you tell that pervert there na may iba pa po akong trabaho, ha? I'm not doing this favor." 

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Mga lalaki nga naman! They're just expert at one thing. To get the girl's disadvantage. Oh, let me rephrase it. All men possess the ability to hurt women if they choose to. I have no doubt that whoever it is will act similarly. I should brace myself for the lengthy struggle that lies ahead.

At pare-pareho lang sila. No one can change my mind. 

Naramdaman ko na lang na naipit ang hawak kong notebook sa inis ko habang kusa akong napakunot-noo at tiningnan ko 'yung lalaki. Nanatili lang akong nakatayo, at hindi makagalaw. Sunod-sunod ang tibok ng puso ko. 

So my face paled even more, I curved my lips, pulled the corners of my mouth sideways, cast the gentleman a sidelong glance, then crossed my arms, and sighed before returning to my manager. "Oo, pangit ako  pero hindi ibig sabihin nun na okay lang na bastusin ako.

"Fiesty, as ever Eteri. Iba ka talaga,"Sabi ng lalaki, tapos lumapit siya sa 'kin na may nakakainis na ngiti. Wala man lang siyang sinabi, at agad niyang kinuha ang camera niya mula sa bag at kinuhanan ako. Nakita ko pa ang ilaw ng camera na nakatutok sa'kin, at mukhang sobrang saya niya habang pinagmamasdan ang mukha ko.

Panic surged through me at what he had done, and before I knew it, I snatched my glasses from my pocket, fixing him with an intense glare. It was Steele. My thoughts were colliding like a tempest, the fury within me now threatening to explode.

Probably because of his damn face in front of me!

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐏𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐘

Glow up Series #12

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