KABANATA 03:

Eteri's heart arrhythmia

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❝The only thing I could hope for is for you to disappear. The only thing I would want is to be at peace, but now that you're here, it feels like a thousand shards are breaking my heart. It was already causing me more suffering. All of my desires would be fulfilled in a state of silence in which you could never exist.❞ — from the hues of the sunshine

༄彡፨֍༄彡፨༄彡፨֍

I FEEL AS though something's burning inside of me; how could Steele have asked for that? 'Di ko akalain na ganito na pala kakapal ang pagmumukha niya. Talaga lang, ha? Siya pa ang may lakas ng loob na ipilit ang gusto niya?

Kung pagiging best in manipulative ang lead role niya, aba, pwedeng-pwede siyang kunin ng director! I despise him even more now than I did before. The extent to which he broke me from the inside out, like a piece of broken glass, was beyond words.

Besides that, what he has done to me cannot be undone. Like a volcano, I feel like I was about to erupt, ready to strike at any moment. It's too much, and I wanted to blow up.

When I say "no," it's unquestionably no! What aspect of that is he unable to understand that? Kaya pwede ba, tigilan na niya ako, ha? Nakakainis na siya!

❁•-•-•-•⟮ ❃ ⟯•-•-•-• ❁

In the depths of my thoughts, I unleashed a torrent of curses aimed at him, though he remained blissfully unaware. My frustration was a tempest I could no longer conceal. 

As I settled into my stance, arms crossed defiantly, I let out an exasperated roll of my eyes, signaling my irritation unmistakably. "Pwes, ayoko nga tulungan ka." We didn't come here to bask in his admiration of my mesmerizing eyes, yet I could tell my striking green gaze caught his attention, making him pause. That moment of distraction was all I needed to make my move.

"Aren't you gutsy? Sinabi ko na nga na ayaw ko, di 'ba? Come on, you're not just saying these things para mag-petiks ka, di 'ba Chemical Engineering student ka?"

Parang natigilan siya ro'n, tapos ngumis siya sa 'kin. We're so sure now, aren't we?

"Don't worry, if that's what you're worried about, I'm already working on my internship." Mas lalo akong napapa-irap na lang sa mga sinasabi niya. Oh, tamo nga! May internship na pala siya dapat na inaasikaso, tapos kailangan pa niya akong kulitin para maging model niya?

Wow Steele. Desperate yarn?

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Napatingin naman siya sa'kin at kanina pa ako tinatawanan. 'Di ko alam kung ano'ng trip niya but definitely nakakainis siya!

"Plus, 'di ko naman talaga nakakalimutan ang pagbabasa ng libro. For instance, reading books like Unit Operations. You'll find some of the most lucid discussions on this topic in those books you're familiar with. Also, you'll be interested in physical chemistry." Pag-explain niya sa'kin, at mas lalo akong nahihilo sa mga pinagsasabi niya. Ano bang kinalaman ko sa chemistry, pucha 'yan!

"The only thing I had trouble with was getting the Mat-Lab software pero may mahihingan naman ako ng tulong. Come on, parang others 'to. You were always aware that my grades are higher." he said with another smile.

Haha. Tangina mo.

Napakayabang talaga kahit kelan!

I fixed him with a fierce gaze, my eyes locked onto his as I ground my teeth and raised my eyebrows in a challenge. He's definitely starting to irritate me, ugh! This guy is absolutely unbearable! 

Kaya't napahawak na lang ako sa bewang ko at nilapitan siya, "Napakayabang mo talaga!" Sigaw ko na lang sa kanya, now that the anger has built up, there's no way out, even though it feels like fire burning inside each of my vines and sparks shining into my eyes.

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Sunod-sunod naman ang subo ni Halley sa carbonara nang mapansin niya kami ni Steele na kanina pa nagbabangayan. Kinuha naman na niya ang tissue at pinahid sa kanyang mukha. With a measured grace, she placed her hands upon the table, her fingers wrapping around its edges as she summoned the resolve to rise to her feet. Mukhang dahil yata 'to sa'min ni Steele. Not my problem anymore, okay? Mas lalo na lang ako napairap dahil sa lalaking kaharap ko ngayon. And then she quickly got closer to me and hugged me from behind.

"Hi, bestie! Hindi mo naman kaagad sa 'kin sinabi na may pogi ka na r'yan na kasama ah! Ang daya, ha! Bakit 'di mo'ko pakilala—"

"Off limits!"

Napahawak ako sa mukha ko dahil sa matinding hiya. Gosh, Halley! You say what? Oh, I'm saying what? Napatingin ako kay Halley at iminulat ko ang bibig ko, pero huli na para makaiwas sa sitwasyong ito. At ito namang si Halley, tinatawanan lang ako. Imbes na makaalis na lang ako ng payapa, mukha yatang 'di ko na magagawa 'yon sa tindi ng stress ko kay Steele.

"Ay, off limits ba?"Nginitian lang ako ni Halley, tapos ay kinindatan pa ako na para bang sinusubok kung paano ako tutugon. Kaya naman tinalikuran ko siya at pasimpleng inirapan ko na lang siya.

Ano'ng ginawa mo ngayon ha, Eteri? Edi huling-huli na naman ang kaharutan mo!

Nakakahiya!

My cheeks flushed a deep shade of crimson, and it felt as if Steele's gaze was locked onto me with an intensity that was hard to ignore. He tilted his head, intrigued, as he took in every detail of my appearance.

I even catch a glimpse of him grinning at me. Napatadyak na lang ako sa sahig sa inis ko dahil do'n! Ginagago ba niya ako?

Hindi ako marupok, 'no! Lalo kung sa kanya lang din naman! Out of nowhere, I reached my hands towards Halley at kaagad ko siya hinila paalis. Sa kahiyayayan ko kanina, 'di ko na alam pa kung may mukha pa akong mahaharap! 

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Tsaka, pinagbigyan ko na siya, ha! Would you please let me leave so I can enjoy some quiet time? A surge coursed through me before he had the chance to speak again, prompting me to exit the situation as directed.

I don't care about him. I'm able to treat him the way I should.

Hingal na hingal ako at napahampas na lang sa locker dahil sa bigat ng dibdib ko. Dumadaloy ang pawis sa noo ko, at ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagod hanggang kaibuturan. Napapikit na lang ako habang mahigpit na napahawak sa dibdib ko. I pushed aside the nagging thought that I might have put myself in harm's way. The apron I still wore felt like a heavy reminder of my predicament, weighing me down as I stood there. 

All I longed for was a way out, a chance to escape this suffocating situation. The shame was becoming unbearable, and I knew I couldn't take it any longer.

I attempted to move, but it felt like it was devouring me. It was difficult for me to breathe because my breaths were huffing so hard. I reached for the door as my heart raced one beat after another. Bigla kong naramdaman ang paninikip ng paghinga ko, at paulit-ulit akong kumukurap, pilit nilalabanan ang nararamdaman. The seconds stretch out like minutes, and it feels like countless moments are ticking away in my mind. My heartbeat quickens even more than before.

This isn't right. Nagpromise pa naman ako kina Mama na kahit na mag-part time ako rito, sisiguraduhin kong 'di ako aatakihin. I didn't even overexert myself with the customers. Was it related to my feelings? Did I get overly stressed when talking to Steele? Madalas din ako paalahanan ni Mama na iwasan ko na magalit o mai-stress kaya ano'ng sasabihin ko sa kanya ngayon? Ba't ba kasi 'di ako nakikinig sa kanya?

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I've had this for a while already. Heart arrhythmia.

Sunod-sunod ang tibok ng puso ko, kaya't wala akong nagawa kundi hampasin ang dibdib ko and I began to cough, and the feeling in my chest left me bewildered. Was it too rapid? Or perhaps too sluggish? I couldn't tell either way.

Kaya napapikit ako ng ilang saglit, at bigla akong kinabahan sa nararamdaman ko sa dibdib ko. Kaya kahit nangihina ako, pumunta ako sa upuan upang kunin ang bag ko para makuha ko ang gamot ko and I unscrewed the cap, and I could still sense the tremors within me. I just need to take the medication. After that, I have to find a way to calm myself.

Napikit ako ng ilang sandali at hinawakan ang dibdib ko. Nagdesisyon akong huminga nang malalim para makapagpahinga. Hanggang sa mawala ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. I really can't tell anyone about this.

As the evening deepened, the clock's hand glided forward, marking the passage of time, inching ever later into the night.

As I hurriedly changed, the air was filled with the crisp sound of fabric rustling, each crackle echoing my urgent movements. I had no time left to wait, so I quickly slipped on my white rubber shoes, pulled up my pants, and threw on a dark yellow hoodie. At saka agad kong tinali ang buhok ko at sinuot ang salamin ko.

Mabilis akong lumapit kay Halley at hinila siya palabas ng bar. Aba mahirap na! Kapag usapang gwapo, nag-iiba ang pananaw bigla ng babaeng 'to.

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"Teka, teka!"Halley paused in her tracks, giving me a playful eye roll before bursting into laughter at my expense, "Nagmamadali yarn?"

"Oo! May gusto akong iwasan, bakit?" inis na lang na sinabi ko.

"Maghunos dili ka nga!" pigil niya sa'kin, saka niya ako pinaupo na sa tabi saka niya ako inirapan. Alam ko na ang mga tingin na 'yan kahit hindi pa niya sinasabi sa 'kin. Tinignan niya ako ng diretso matapos, "Akala mo ba 'di ko alam? Halos atakihin ka kanina. Would you kindly look after your heart, Eteri? You understand, don't you?"

Hinatak ko na lang ang kamay niya at tiningnan ko siya. Lumapit ako sa kanya at tumingin sa kanya at nagmakaawa. Alam kong hindi madali mauto si Halley, pero kung kinakailangan kong magmakaawa sa kanya na h'wag ipaalam kay mama ang nakita niya, handa akong gawin 'to.

Maybe she could understand my desperation to ask her not to tell my mother. "Halley, you won't tell my parents," I said, focusing purely on her without turning to face her. "Make me a promise that you won't."

"Eteri naman! Buhay mo na ang nakasalalay dito! Pa'no kung may mangyaring masama sa 'yo ha? Are you serious? You had a heart condition. And that's heart arrhythmia. You knew that you had Tachcardia type. Halos sungalngalin na'ko ni Halley sa sobrang pagbubunganga niya sa'kin. And she believed that I really don't know that?

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Halley ran her fingers through her hair, trying to smooth it out, but a soft sigh escaped her lips. Yet, despite her calm exterior, her eyes shimmered with an unmistakable hint of unease. She was examining every inch of herself, and it seemed as though she was caught in her own web, a reminder of how thoroughly she was dismantling these emotions at the moment.

Tiningnan niya 'to muli, hinawakan ang aking kamay, at huminga siya ng malalim, "Alam na alam mong delikado sa puso mo 'yan. Baka ikamatay mo pa! Eteri, pasensya na, pero 'di ko kaya mawalan ng kaibigan. Since I have to defy you, I suppose I apologize. Hindi ko na kaya pang makita kang nakaratay na naman sa hospital 'pag inatake ka!"

Why is she doing this?

Dali-dali niyang kinuha ang cellphone niya. And she simply called my parents in the end. This is fantastic, isn't it? I must see my family once more. At handa na akong makinig sa putak na gagawin ng tita ko. I'm eagerly awaiting her next comment regarding my Vitiligo. Parang 'di na 'yon bago.

I don't despise my parents or ayaw ko silang makita. May dahilan lang ako for my reasons for living alone. Dahil sawang-sawa na'ko sa mga masasakit na salitang naririnig ko at pangungutya mula sa tiyahin ko. As I stood there, a sense of foreboding washed over me; I could almost predict the words that would spill from her lips. 

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The weight of curious eyes bearing down on me made each breath a struggle, so I instinctively reached up, pulled my hood over my head, and sought refuge from their gazes.

At maya-maya, narinig ko na nagtatakbo si Mama ng makita ko nang makita kong nakarating sila sa harap ng restaurant. She opened the door in an instant, gliding toward me with purpose. As she drew near, she clasped my hand firmly and met my gaze with an intensity that sent a shiver down my spine.

I stopped. I was at a loss for what to say to her.

"Eteri! Nasaktan ka ba? Anak, may nangyari ba sa 'yo? How are you? How are you feeling, sweetheart? Kailangan ba nating tawagin si doc—"

With a deep, heartfelt sigh, I fixed my gaze on her, letting my thoughts linger in the quiet space between us. "Ma, kalma. Buhay pa ako. This is simply exhaustion, malayo naman 'to sa bituka. Nothing happened."

Mom seemed really unhappy with my response, "Nako, bata ka!"

❁•-•-•-•⟮ ❃ ⟯•-•-•-• ❁

I let out a deep sigh, unsure of how to face the situation. I couldn't bear to hear my parents' tears echoing in the hospital any longer habang nakaratay ako sa kama, napagtanto ko kung ga'no sila nasaktan ng makita ako sa ganitong sitwasyon. Sa totoo lang, hinihintay na lang ako ni tita na mamatay. Laging bukambibig niya 'yon.

The best way to describe it would be that she didn't like me. Sukang-suka siya sa t'wing makikita niya ang Vitiligo ko.

And this is what my family has been going through. In reality, not every house can be considered a home.

Dahil kung sino pa ang pamilya mo, minsan sila pa minsan ang nagpaparamdam that you weren't wanted. I detested my family because of this. And am I now a bad person for considering it? Dahil sa tita ko, nabuo ang lahat ng insecurities na 'di ko dapat maramdaman initially.

That's why I detested returning home.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐏𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐘

Glow up Series #12

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