KABANATA 04:

The girl who's always smiling.

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❝How often must I put up with all of these things? Words seem pretty harsh, and it's difficult to accept what they've spoken. It resembled a thousand shards that no matter how hard you try, you can never fix. However, how come other people decide to use their words only to make you feel bad? ❞ — from the hues of the sunshine

Mentions of mental health conditions, hate speech, and offensive language are examples of trigger warnings that could be included in the chapter. Be careful when reading it. You've been warned.

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WITH A deep exhale, I eased the tension from my shoulders and took her hands in mine. Looking into her eyes, I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "It's alright," I spoke gently. "You don't need to worry about me." Kaya't ipinatong ko ang kamay ko sa balikat niya at tumingin sa kanya ng seryoso, "Ma, okay lang ako. Okay lang ako."

'Di naman mapakali si Mama at paulit-ulit niyang nilitanya ang kailangan kong gawin and her tears are practically visible to me. "Kapag dating mo ro'n, ask your friends to use a Holter monitor and an ECG to check you. It's necessary for someone to keep an eye on your heartbeat and do tests that gauge its electrical activity. I take it that you know that?"

Tumango-tango na lang ako sa mga sinabi niya. She has been quite concerned about me. Kahit na hindi naman na kailangan. 

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Halley's eyes narrowed, a flicker of doubt shadowing her gaze as she looked at me, struggling to find the trust she once had. If anyone can articulate it, Halley was just concerned about me. Dapat nga akong magalit sa kanya dahil sinumbong niya ako kay Mama, noh! I despise her because of that.

Masyado silang nag-aalala kahit na wala namang dahilan para mag-alala tungkol dito since I'm already okay in the first place.

Wala silang dapat ipag-alala sa 'kin, pwede ba? Kaya ko naman talaga ang sarili ko eh.

Tignan mo tuloy, nag-aalala pa si Mama. They don't need to worry about me; I'm all right. Ayos lang naman ako.

"Halley, thank you so much!"Pagpapasalamat naman ni Mama sa best friend ko. When it comes to me, she has always been the meldoramatic one. I mean, it's not a bad thing, and I can see how much my parents loved me because of that.

"We'll be alright here, Mom. Umuwi na po kayo. Nobody can see me here, in particular lalo na 'yong bruha na 'yon baka sumugod pa rito." Seryoso ko na lang na sinabi sa kanya I couldn't resist rolling my eyes. For someone such as my aunt, pasensya na, pero wala na akong respeto na natitira sa kanya. Respect is reserved for those who are deserving of it.

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"Eteri," my mother called, clearly glancing at me. Syempre ano pa nga ba? Kahit nababastos ka na, ikaw pa rin ang mag-adjust. Very good! Kaya wala akong nagawa kundi tumango na lang.

"Whatever." This was too much for me to handle. I should at least be respected kahit bilang tao lang naman 'di' ba? And people can't just give it to me, of course dahil sa hitsura ko, kaya ayoko na makipagtalo; ibang tao rin naman mananalo sa huli. 

Suddenly, a figure halted right in front of us, and a wave of nervousness washed over me as I wondered who it could be. Then nakita ko ang tita ko having those obnoxious eyes on her as she looks up and down at me like she's seeing a pest. Tignan mo nga. 

Simple lang naman ang gusto ko. To be treated with dignity. What aspect of that does she find incomprehensible? Ramdam ko na naman kung pa'no niya ako tignan. She acts as though she's doing everything out of concern and is usually seen smiling broadly.

She always shows how much she cares for you, but the moment your back is turned, all you'll hear are insults! Does she love someone like this? Tangina, 'di ko kailangan ng ganung klaseng pagmamahal kung salungat naman at peke ang pinapakita sa 'yo. 

"Whoa. What a reunion. 'Di ba ako kasali?" She asked.

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Nagulat ako nang bigla akong harangin ng dad ko para harapin 'yung kapatid niya. Something I never would have imagined seeing. I feel as though my hope has been restored and I can now see the light that lies ahead. Huminga siya ng malalim attinignan niya nang masama ang tita ko.

"Maeve, pwede ba? Hayaan mo naman kaming makita ang anak namin. At sa tingin mo ha? Sino ka ba? Si Eteri ang mas nakakahigit sa'min alam mo 'yan! Akala mo siguro 'di ko malalaman ang pinagagawa mo, ha?" Tanong nito sa kanya at umirap na lang si Tita Maeve, parang wala siyang pake.

She can't be saved. Your smile may seem right and just, but when you look at the reflection behind it, you realize how shallow you really are. She's like that. 

Napahawak na lang sa bewang si Dad at napapikit, "Akala mo siguro 'di ko alam na hinaharang mo ang perang para na dapat bata napupunta! Alam mong may sakit 'yan! Bobo ka ba!?"

Tinitigan ako ni Tita Maeve, at kitang-kita ko sa pagkakunot ng noo at pagngiwi ng mukha niya kung gaano niya ako kinasusuklaman, "Oo, sakit na niya ang kapangitan niya. Ew. Tignan mo nga 'yung balat niya! Normal pa ba 'yan? Parang hindi! Parang 'yung kapangitan niya 'di na mawawala sa kanya."I could see the laughter dancing in her eyes, and it was clear she took great pleasure in teasing me about my appearance once more.

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Lumapit si Tita Maeve at sinuri ako mula ulo hanggang paa. Hindi talaga siya tumigil sa kakatawa. Umirap pa siya sa 'kin, at halatang-halata kung gaano siya nandidiri sa itsura ko. Hindi pa nakuntento at lumapit pa lalo at paikot-ikot na tumingin sa harap ko. She placed her hands gently on her hips, as if attempting to shrink me down to size with her gaze.

As Tita Maeve approached me, my mother swiftly stepped in between us, reaching out to grasp Tita Maeve's arm, effectively halting her advance. "Seriously? Gaganyanin mo siya ngayon? Maeve, pamangkin mo 'yan, baka pati 'yon nakakalimutan mo na rin, ha!? Tapos, lalait-laitin mo? Gago ka, ah!" Sigaw na lang ni Mama at lumapit siya kay Tita Maeve at sinabunutan 'to.

Once more and again. It happened once more. What did these people get from my Vitiligo? Isang malaking kasalanan ba na magkaroon ako ng ganitong klaseng balat ha? Tears streamed down my face, cascading in an unbroken flow. While she found the situation somehow humorous, my insecurities bubbled to the surface, and I suddenly felt exposed, as if everyone around me was pointing fingers at my vulnerability.

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Napakagat na lang ako sa labi ko at tumulo na lang ang mga luha ko, "Tita Maeve...""Huminga na lang ako nang malalim at tiningnan ko siya at ramdam ko na agad ang tensyon sa pagitan namin. All I want to do is leave. I let my eyes wander through the landscape around me and I'm exhausted from everything.

She gave me another smirk, as though she could gaze down at me at any time. She smirked at me as she gave me her cocky glance. "Ano ba 'yon ha pangit?"She questioned, and she immediately identified me. Sige, ako na naman. Ako na naman 'yung pangit.

I tried to relax, but I was unable to. I therefore made the decision to approach her more. Huminga ako ng malalim saka siya tinignan, "How are you able to accomplish this? 'Di naman po ako nagreklamo 'di 'ba? Kahit ilang beses niyo nang itapon 'yung gamot ko, kahit alam niyo naman na kailangang-kailangan ko po 'yun." 

Pinunasan ko na lang ang mga luha ko. As I gazed at the landscape around me, everything came into sharp focus. I watched as she forcefully pushed me down, determined to eliminate my medications once and for all. And after that, she would conclude by expressing how much she enjoys making me appear stupid. Alam na niyang sinasagad niya ako, pero kulang pa rin ba sa kanya na makita kung gaano na ako nahihirapan? 

Ano pa ba ang gusto niyang patunayan? Hindi ba niya nakikita na nasasaktan na ako sa lahat ng ginagawa niya, ha?

"You motherfucker, how can you do this?" Tinitigan ko na lang siya habang hinayaan kong pumatak ang aking mga luha. A restless energy coursed through me, making every part of my body tremble with anticipation and I take a step toward her to gaze at her, saying, "I hope you remember that you ruin my life. Pero para bastusin ako ng ganito, malala ka na!" sigaw ko sa kanya.

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Hindi niya ako nirerespeto kaya bakit ko siya irerespeto? Kung mukhang bastos, pwes deserve niya 'yon! She tried time and again to manipulate me, so wouldn't it be only fair for me to stand up for myself this time?

"Ano!?" napasigaw na lang si Mama and she glared at Tita Maeve. Tinaasan na lang ako ng kilay ni Tita Maeve at pasimple akong napayuko. Oh, bakit? Kasalanan ko na naman ba? Ganun ba talaga siya katakot na mapansin ng iba ang baho niya? I don't believe I did anything wrong for her to feel this way. Hindi nga ako dapat yumuyuko rito eh.

I simply wanted them to stop fighting. Would that be asking too much?

Kasi pagod na ako.

Pagod na pagod na ako sa kanila.

Kaya tinanggap ko lahat ng kasamaan ng tita ko. Ilang beses niya ba akong pipintasan ng panget? Hindi ko 'yon gusto sa totoo lang! Ginusto ko ba 'to? No matter how often I try to explain it, she just can't grasp the reason behind my condition. I've told her time and again that my vitiligo is caused by the loss of pigment-producing cells, resulting in these white patches on my skin. Yet, the message doesn't seem to sink in. At pinagmumukha pa niya akong halimaw sa harap ng maraming tao.

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Napakadali para sa kanila na husgahan ako—kung sino man sila. Kaklase ko man, kapamilya, o ibang tao pa, ramdam ko ang mga tingin nila at kung paanong tila ang dali-dali kong husgahan. Kahit gusto kong lumaban, wala akong magawa kundi tiisin na lang. Ilang ulit na akong nasaktan, pero tinitiis ko pa rin ang lahat. 

At sa bawat pagkakataon, dama kong lagi akong pinagkakaisahan. Only if I could express how I'm feeling at the moment. Do'n lang nila maiintindihan ang hirap ng pinagdadaan ko.

Yes, Mom is completely unaware of the potential outcomes. Hindi siya makapaniwala sa mga sinabi ko. Pinili ko na lang manahimik sa harap niya, dahil alam kong wala na akong lakas para ipagtanggol ang sarili ko sa puntong 'to. Ni hindi ko rin gusto ang lahat ng nangyayaring 'to. However, I never had an option.

Humarap sa 'kin si Mama at tiningnan niya ako nang seryoso, pero hindi ko magawang tumingin sa kanya nang diretso. "Is it true, Iha? How did your Tita Maeve affect you?" Sabay tanong na lang ni Mama kaya napayuko na lang ako at napaluha. Since I didn't want to make difficulties, I was unable to inform her.

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Yes, I was unable to inform her. My aunt was the primary reason I made the decision to leave our house after I started college. Wala siyang pakialam sa akin at sa kabila ng katotohanang sinadya niyang itapon ang mga gamot ko. I was unable to tolerate her. Sobra na siya!

Kaya kung tatanungin mo ako kung bakit ako nagagalit kay tita, ito ang dahilan! Iniisip niya na lagi akong nagdadala ng malas sa pamilya at hinihiling na mawala na lang ako. And she had to go to such lengths to cause me a great deal of trauma? Does she really need to tell me that?

Wala siyang alam sa mga pinagdadaanan ko and she isn't allowed to choose who she wants to push away lalo kung aapakan lang niya ang pagkatao ko ng ganito!

She's unaware of the numerous struggles I face within my mind. She doesn't realize how terrifying it is when those haunting thoughts continuously whisper lies that are hard to accept. Each day, I battle my inner demons, and you have no idea how challenging it is simply because I keep pushing through everything.

Bakit, tinanong ba niya kung gaano karaming negatibong bagay ang aking nararamdaman sa araw-araw, at kung anu-anong mga negatibong bagay ang naririnig mo tungkol sa iyong sarili sa araw-araw, ha? Wala siyang alam kung gaano kahirap ang mga pinagdaraanan kong 'to! She never once reached out to me. Not a single time! It was as if I didn't even exist to her.

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I constantly hear those intrusive thoughts and notice just how negatively you speak to yourself. It's challenging for you to be optimistic because of these persistent voices that you desperately wish would go away, but they just won't stop.

Kaya sa mga nagsasabi na 'Kumalma ka lang', 'Pigilan mo ang sarili mo,' you know it's inappropriate to express such sentiments, particularly towards people who's been experiencing anxiety. Such remarks can exacerbate their condition. What they need is empathy and understanding, rather than dismissal or neglect.

And if you ask me if my trauma has helped me, I say that it hasn't!

No one understands the depth of my suffering from this severe anxiety. I do have a diagnosis, which was triggered and caused by my aunt, adding to my anxiety symptoms. It's extremely tough to hold on to the hope for relief from these feelings. Nobody seems to understand the thoughts that overwhelm me, and there's always a lingering fear that others won't understand my experiences. It felt like a nightmare! At sobrang hirap na halos araw-araw, dala-dala mo ang lahat-lahat ng 'to. 

It did me absolutely no good. Nararamdaman ko na lang na napapikit na ako kasi sobra na talagang hirap harapin sila. Despite all the pain I've been through, it seems I can feel nothing else in all of this... except hatred for her.

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I always detested the way she shattered my dreams in this way and used her wealth to influence everyone. Despite the negative opinions of some teachers who feel that this profession is often looked down upon, teaching has always been an integral part of who I am, even though the salary here is quite low. However, viewing it this way isn't the best perspective.

I aspired to work as a librarian. Nobody can make me change my mind.

I've always wanted to be in a space with lots of books because I enjoy the sense of calm and sanctuary it provides. The sound of a book being opened and the feel of pages turning as you explore its contents and the points where your touch rests inside these books.

I looked down at my shoes, feeling drowsy, and let out a long sigh, "Wala po, Ma. Please hayaan niyo na lang."

"Hayaan!? I've heard she's spending the money on other things, even though you should be using it for what it's intended. Ano 'to!?" sigaw na lang ni Mama at sinamaan niya ng tingin ang tita ko.

"Ano naman ngayon—"

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Napabuntong-hininga siya nang malalim at matalim na tiningnan ang tita ko, sabay hawak sa noo na para bang hindi makapaniwala sa narinig. Tinitigan siya ni mom nang masama at napakuyom na lang ang kamao. Matapos niyang malaman ang tungkol sa perang ginasta ng tita ko, hindi na nakakagulat kung gano'n na lang ang galit niya at may karapatan siyang magalit sa ginawa ng tiyahin ko. Hindi ko na alam kung sobrang kapal lang talaga ng mukha ng tita ko o sadyang wala na talagang natitirang hiya pa sa kanya. 

With her face betraying every ounce of irritation, my mom marched over to my aunt and firmly clasped her arm, ready to unleash her frustration. I felt a flutter of apprehension at what my mother might do next, so I reached out and wrapped my arms around her in a comforting embrace.

"Walang hiya ka!" Sigaw ni Mama sa kanya na punong-puno ng galit. With her face betraying every ounce of irritation, my mom marched over to my aunt and firmly clasped her arm, ready to unleash her frustration. I felt a flutter of apprehension at what my mother might do next, so I reached out and wrapped my arms around her in a comforting embrace. She hates every single truth she has discovered more than words can express.

Agad na napitingin sa'kin si Mama, hinawakan ang pisngi ko, at napaiyak na lang siya. I simply stood there at napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. Do you know what aggravates me even more? To witness my mother in tears, and I was the cause of it.

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"Anak, 'di ko na alam kung ano'ng gagawin ko 'pag may nangyari sayo. Hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko. We can't let you go. No, we can't." Sabi naman niya sa akin at napahawak na lang siya sa kamay ko, "Please, promise me, take care of your health."

Tumango na lang ako kay mama and I suddenly find myself silent. The worst is this.

Kaya ayoko na magkita kami ng pamilya ko. Sanay na akong magsarili. Dahil ayoko maging problema sa iba. I wanted to make my college proud, which is why I have to work so hard for it. Ayoko maging dagdag sa aalahanin nila. As a result, I could only go out and select the college of my choice if I would be living in dorms with my friends. Tsaka napagsasabay ko naman lahat.

My advanced coursework. Kasama na rin 'yung trabaho ko bilang waitress. And I have nothing to be unhappy about as long as I'm free.

'Pag hindi ko nakikita ang tita ko, mas maayos ang buhay ko. At sanay na akong ganon. My parents are simply overly concerned about my health. Pagdating naming dalawa sa dorm ko pumunta agad ako sa sofa at humiga. Sobrang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko—parang sasabog ang dibdib ko sa bigat. Napapikit ako sandali dahil sa tindi ng pakiramdam.

"Loves, kunin mo nga 'yung monitor niya! Dali na!" Napasigaw na lang si Halley sa sobrang taranta, at agad namang tumango si Lovelyn bilang tugon para kunin ang monitor. Pagkatapos noon, inalalayan ako ni Halley habang hawak niya ang monitor. Agad niya itong inilapag sa tabi, at nang masulyapan niya ako, agad niya ako pinaalahanan, "Eteri, please remove your shirt."

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Tumango na lang ako at may mga ilang bagay siyang ikinabit sa 'kin. This is a holter monitor. This portable ECG device can be worn for a day or more to record the heart's activity during daily activities.

Some arrhythmias are triggered or worsened by exercise. During a stress test, the heart's activity is watched while you ride on a stationary bicycle or walk on a treadmill. If you can't exercise, you may be given medicine that affects the heart in a way that's similar to exercise.

"Ano'ng nangyari, Levana?" tanong na lang ni Cana, kaya inirapan siya ni Halley bago sabihing, "Takti ka, Cana. Isa pang Levana at tatadyakan na talaga kita d'yan."

Si Cana talaga—parang walang nangyari. Nagawa pa talagang magbiro, 'no?

I understand that. Apparently, Halley detested her second name kaya ayaw na ayaw niyang naririnig 'yon mula sa'min. Napahawak ako sa mukha ko at napailing na lang, at 'di ko maiwasang matawa.

With a dramatic sigh, Lirisha turned her gaze away from them and rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Parang mga tanga! Umayos nga kayo. Parang kayo pa 'yung may sakit ha!"

"Ba't ba? Ano ba kasing masama sa pangalan mong Halley Levana, ha?" asar na tanong ni Cana

"Peste ka. Manahimik ka na, please."irap na lang ni Halley

Umupo na lang ako ng saglit at umiling ako sa kanila, "Hoy, iingay niyo. Tigilan niyo yan." sagot ko at nag-peace sign na lang sila sa 'kin. Halos normal na yata 'to sa dorm namin eh. Our dorm has always been a chaotic place. Kaya kahit papaano, hindi ko naramdaman na nag-iisa ako.

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"Here's your medication and water, Eteri." Sagot naman ni Lovelyn at tumango ako sa kanya. Tapos kinuha ko ang tubig at gamot ko para inumin 'yon. 

"Here's your medication and water, Eteri." Sagot naman ni Lovelyn at tumango ako sa kanya. Tapos kinuha ko ang tubig at gamot ko para inumin 'yon.

"Be honest with me. Am I the one in mistake? Mali ba talaga ang pagiging pangit?" Yumuko na lang ako naging seryoso ang mukha ko.

Looking at myself, I cast a quick glance at the mirror. According to some, your own beauty is reflected in that mirror. I couldn't see that, though. Because of my appearance. That pointed nose, those heart-shaped lips, those flat eyebrows, those upturned green eyes, and that cinnamon brown, long, curly hair with blonde and floral violet highlights. Sakto lang naman ang katawan ko. I have to admit that my body type is an inverted triangle. I was a mix of Filipino and Mexican.

It's clear that I have some white spots on my hands, lips, cheeks, and shoulders, and on top of that, I'm also naturally tanned. I couldn't even look at myself properly, but I finally got the courage to tell them the truth, even though I was feeling very bad about myself at the moment. I always felt bad about my appearance. Once upon a time, I was the girl who always wore a smile, but due to various forms of discrimination I faced, that smile slowly faded away.

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"Eteri, alam mong 'di yan totoo.." paalala naman ni Halley and she sighed, "Hindi ka pangit. 'Di ka ganon. 'Yung mata nila ang may panghuhusga dahil sa nakikita lang nila ang panlabas mong anyo, hindi ang kagandahan ng loob mo."

Napakagat na lang ako sa labi ko at 'di ko maiwasang mapaluha na lang, "However, you could have witnessed my aunt's face-shaming of me. Pamilya mo sila, at sila dapat ang sumusuporta sa'yo hindi 'yung sila pa 'yung magsasabi ng masasakit na salita. Who is she to do this to me, then? Ano bang masama ang ginawa ko!?"

I pounded the pillow vigorously, and the sadness I've been holding inside of me simply engulfed everything. Lying to yourself is really difficult, especially when you're in pain. 

Sinusubukan ko naman. Sinusubukan kong maging mabait kahit aping-api na ako sa harap ng tita ko. The fact that she has everything makes her feel entitled. Halos pagmukain na niya akong walang kwenta sa harap niya eh. There are moments when I think that home is no longer a place of rest. It's something that makes you feel included and not abandoned. When will I be able to put up with this?

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"Eteri, 'di ka nag-iisa ha. Nandito ako. Nandito pa kami sa tabi mo." Paalala ni Halley, at lumapit siya sa 'kin at niyakap na lang niya ako ng mahigpit, "Hindi mo kailangang sarilihin ang lahat ng 'yan. Remind yourself that your emotions are valid. Kung nasasaktan ka na, don't keep it inside, please. Ilabas mo lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo. Palagi kaming nandito para intindihin ka. You weren't by yourself."

Even now, I can't tell if my family is home. Kasi sa nakikita ko, sila pa ang unang taong huhusga sa 'yo. That's why I was unable to smile. I had forgotten why I should be smiling. A girl with a lot of smiles is no longer around.

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NOTE: In order to accommodate the necessary research for this story on Eteri's condition, I have chosen to extend this chapter. Although I'm not an expert, if you ever notice any errors in my research, kindly let me know. To help me improve, I would appreciate frank and helpful criticism. As long as it doesn't disparage the author or anything, I'm open to hearing your thoughts. Thank you!

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐏𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐘

Glow up Series #12

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