Do you know the feeling that is somewhere between disbelief and anger, the one that felt like a cross of fear and denial? Well, Kassandra was sure that she felt it somewhere beneath desperation that grew more and more prominent to get away the longer that she sat waiting for dawn to arrive with their lift back to camp.

They had told her eventually, right after the point that she could have slipped away unnoticed by most, and now she was stuck here waiting for her father to show up in his stupid chariot to give them a ride home.

She would have walked back to camp had she been given the chance, would have called a Gray Sister's taxi for a ride, but no one would let her. Zoe had, rather unceremoniously, taken her bag in an attempt to hold her hostage with them.

The joke was that she would have just left regardless, would have expected her bag to turn up at some point because Zoe had too much honour to accidentally steal her things.

(And she had taken care of her when she was nine, had looked after her just as much as lady Artemis did when it came to the young hunters. It had only been a week that she was allowed to be with them, but it was long enough to get to know them.)

This was a meeting that was fifteen years too late, a meeting that was long overdue, and Kassandra had never been more nervous in her life. It was the first time that she was going to see Apollo in person, the first time that he would be right there, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to stab him or herself more.

Thalia and Grover huddled around Percy, and her by proxy because he had come to stick to her side the moment that she left her discussion with Artemis. She imagined that he was just as distraught about Annabeth as she was he was clinging to someone and Kassandra had gone relatively close to him since last summer.

The older girl gave her a small nod, a quirk of her lips with a mumbled apology as she settled close. She tilted her head in acknowledgement, bumping their shoulders as she apologized herself.

Then it was only a matter of waiting for the sun to rise as they stood on the silent hill, Percy long since having shared everything that he had spoken about with the goddess.

Having them around her made her feel very trapped, however, with Thalia's grip on her wrist that prevented her from running. At least she could hide behind Percy, his height would keep her well out of sight until she could slip away from him.

(She wasn't being petty or dramatic this time. She was sure that this was going to have a terrible outcome and that she just wasn't ready to see him at all, ever, and it wasn't fair that she be forced to see him now when she was perfectly capable of finding her own way home.)

(Or to find her way to Annabeth because her friend needed their help wherever she was regardless of Lady Artemis' promise to find her.)

"Hey, Kass, what was it that you did to that helicopter?" Thalia asks suddenly.

She blinks, croaking, "What?"

"Oh, yeah, the helicopter sort of blew up when you started screaming," Percy tells her. "I figure it was like that thing you did with the sirens last summer."

"I didn't do anything to the helicopter. Lady Artemis turned it into ravens," she whispered hoarsely.

"She did that after it exploded, right after, but still after," Grover says.

She wrinkles her nose and shakes her head. "Well, it wasn't me. I didn't do anything."

"Kass, you blew up the helicopter. It had to be you. You were the only one doing anything," Thalia stressed. "You started screaming and then boom."

"Things don't just blow up when people scream," she argues.

"Monsters aren't supposed to blow up when you play music," Percy adds unhelpfully.

She rolls her eyes skyward, taking the chance to eye the sky and the darkness that hadn't broken quite yet. Soon though, she could tell, he was coming. She could almost imagine the heavy metal music that he would play at obnoxious volumes just for his children in the distance.

A cold wind passed through and the three of them inched slightly closer. Laughter bubbles in her chest as they try to leach the heat from her. It was something that she had never really paid all that much attention to before, or ever, but her parents had always thought it to be pretty useful to know that she wouldn't get cold easily, or sick at all for that matter.

"That's different and you know it," she mutters, her thoughts mutinously pointing out that it really wasn't. "That is something that I have carefully practiced for years with my siblings, but screaming at people isn't exactly a weapon."

"Neither is a flute."

She groans. "Let's just pick apart my outfit next. Everyone take turns telling me that what isn't battle appropriate and I'll do you next."

"Oh my gods, look, Kass, we're just telling you what happened. We can mention it to Chiron when we get to camp," Thalia grumbles.

Shooting a look to Percy, they silently share in their exasperation at how pissy the daughter of Zeus was tonight. She wasn't always so aggressive, sure she was at some points, but not this much.

(She wasn't sure who was to blame or if it was a lack of certain people that was setting her off, and she wasn't stupid enough to ask.)

Swallowing thickly, she tries to ignore the evidence that was the pain in her throat and the taste of iron in her mouth. She was sore, voice shredded, and she just wanted to get to camp and go to bed (and maybe silently in the shower).

Finally, the sky began to lighten. Artemis mutters, "About time. He's so-o-o lazy during the winter."

"We were waiting for the sun to rise?" Percy asks.

"For my brother. Yes."

She shakes her head at him. "It's a little bit more complicated than that. Apollo is the god of the sun, remember?"

"It's not exactly as you think," Artemis says.

"Oh, okay." Percy says, sinking closer to her side. "So, it's not like he'll be pulling up in a—"

There was a sudden burst of light on the horizon. A blast of warmth so familiar that she nearly bloomed beneath it, almost stretching up on the tips of her toes just so that she could absorb all of it, claim it all greedily for herself.

(And why shouldn't she? This was her father and she should have been allowed a moment alone to meet him face to face, god to demigod, without so many people around even if she hated him and everything that he stood for -- she should have had the option.)

"Don't look," Artemis advised. "Not until he parks."

The light and heat intensified, growing hotter and hotter like the sun was directly against her skin, like she could touch it -- the light blinding growing brighter and brighter until even Kassandra couldn't take it and was forced to turn away.

Then it stopped and she knew that she could have looked if she wanted to, if she just so much as opened her eyes,  but instead she slipped a little bit further behind Percy and took in the car instead.

It was a gaudy red sports car and exactly what she would have expected of her father. It suited him, though.

"Wow," Thalia muttered. "Apollo is hot."

Kassandra rammed her elbow into the other girl's ribs harshly.

"Oww!"

"Well, he is the god of the sun," Percy acknowledged as if he had no clue what the other girl was talking about.

"That's not what I was talking about," Thalia says.

"You shouldn't be talking about it at all," Kassandra hissed.

"Little sister!" Apollo cried.

She looked at him finally. He was about seventeen or eighteen and his hair was more of a sandy blonde this time instead of golden like Will's, but he had the same blue eyes that were flecked with gold -- the same familiar smile that she always saw in her family. The smile that he gave Artemis was so shining white that it was nearly blinding.

"What's up? You never call, never write. I was starting to get worried!"

Artemis sighed. "I'm fine, Apollo. And I am not your little sister."

"Hey, I was born first."

"We're twins! How many millennia do we have to argue—"

"So what's up?" he interrupts. "Got the girls with you, I see. You all need some tips on archery?"

Artemis grit her teeth. "I need a favour. I have some hunting to do, alone. I need you to take my companions to Camp Half-Blood."

"Sure, sis!" Then he raised his hands in a stop everything gesture. "I feel a haiku coming on."

Her groan was along those with the Hunters. They had copies of Apollo's poetry, whatever form it was, back at camp and they weren't the best. Hades, everyone knew how bad they were.

(Cabin 7 was sure that their father often sent them copies of his poetry just so that they could keep a record for him as if it was a suitable way to show off to his kids that didn't think he was cool.)

He held up one hand dramatically. Her hand twitched to her dagger. She could just stab herself now and cause enough of a scene to make him not.

"Green grass breaks through snow.

Artemis pleads for my help.

I am so cool."

A distressed sound escaped her. That didn't work. Count he not count?

"That last line was four syllables," Artemis sighs.

Apollo frowns. "Was it?"

"How about 'I am so pig-headed?'"

He shakes his head. "No, that's six syllables." He started to mutter to himself.

Zoe turned to them. "Lord Apollo has been going through this haiku phase ever since he visited Japan. 'Tis not as bad as the time he visited Limerick. If I'd had to hear one more poem that started with, There once was a goddess from Sparta—"

"I've got it!" Apollo announces. "I am so awesome. That's five syllables!" He bows, looking very pleased with himself.

"'I am really lame' is five syllables," Kassandra sarcastically suggests under her breath.

He stands straight, eyes snapping to hers in a half a second, so fast that all she could do was draw in a sharp breath in surprise. "I would recognize that cynical voice anywhere," he says brightly, teasing almost, and not at all like she had heard him last time. "Hello, my little Kassie."

She swallows her hatred, stuffing down the burning rage as deeply as it could go. There were too many people, too many eyes, for her to disrespect him in front of and he was still a god. "Hello Lord Apollo," she says in a detached, croaky voice.

He pouts at her but doesn't say anything about the way that she addressed him. "What have you done to yourself, now?" he asks softly, motioning her forward with an easy wave of his hand. Thalia shoves her forward. "What have you done to your pretty voice?"

Her brows furrow petulantly. "I didn't do anything," she snarls, coughing on the rough way that the words catch in her throat.

Apollo clicks his tongue, eyeing her curiously. Hesitantly, as if giving her the chance to pull away, he reaches out to place his hand just so the tips of his fingers touched at the front of her throat. She stiffens, holding her breath as she clenches her fist. He was so warm and gentle and it felt like the embrace of the sun--

It felt like all those times where she could feel the flush of heat against her skin, the warmth that surrounded her comfortingly. It was like all those moments of danger where she felt the brush of heat energizing her, all those times it was like the sun kissed her skin and it was all him, her father.

He freezes, eyes blowing wide, and she can see the way they spark with golden fire.

"She blew up the helicopter, brother," Artemis supplies. "Screaming. It was quite the sight."

"It's been a while since one of my children have tapped into this ability," he mentions lowly, voice oddly serious, warmth spreading like she had eaten fire, but it doesn't burn as it flutters the pain away. "You will do well to be careful with it unless you wish to lose your ability to speak in its entirety."

She nods tightly. "Okay."

He doesn't move just yet, still touching her neck with the most befuddled expression that she couldn't even begin to decipher.

"Brother."

"Right! Transportation for the Hunters, you say? Good timing. I was just about ready to roll," he says, twisting in one motion to capture her with an arm around her shoulders, pinning her to his side.

She growls indignantly, unable to push herself away. She had never thought herself particularly short, but her head only went up to his shoulders.

"These demigods will also need a ride," Artemis mentions.

"No problem!" Apollo checked them out. "Let's see... Thalia, right? I've heard all about you."

Thalia blushed. "Hi, Lord Apollo."

"Zeus's girl, yes? Makes you my half-sister. Used to be a tree, didn't you? Glad you're back. I hate it when pretty girls turn into trees. Man, I remember one time—"

"I wish I was a tree right now so I could get away from this," she mutters, already planning to walk back to the main road and hitch a ride. If she was lucky she might just get herself skewered by a monster. She would if she could only get him to let go out her.

He pats her shoulder mindlessly as if she was some sort of fussy pet.

"Brother," Artemis said. "You should get going."

"Oh, right." Then he looked at Percy, and his eyes narrowed. "Percy Jackson?"

"Yeah. I mean... yes, sir."

She bites back a grin at how awkward he was. It was sort of adorable just how underwhelmed he could be by literal gods standing before him -- and her father to boot.

Apollo looks at the demigod intently but doesn't say a thing.

Finally, he moves his arm and claps his hands. She scurries away, feathers ruffled and ready to stab the next person to touch her as she resists the urge to burn her jacket. And her skin. And her hair. Maybe she'll just jump into a pyre as an offering to the first person to accept her just to piss off her dad.

(How dare he take advantage of the fact that she wasn't a complete idiot willing to insult and disrespect him in front of so many people?)

"We better get loaded up. Ride only goes one way, West, and if you miss it -- you miss it."

(Maybe she could make a run for it? East seems kinda nice.)

"Cool car," Nico says dryly.

"Thanks, kid," Apollo says.

"How is everyone gonna fit?"

She hears Percy's snicker clearly, the dark clouds surrounding her diminish slightly. She moves a little closer to his side.

Apollo frowns. "I hate to change it out of a sports model, but if I have to." He hits a button on the keys with a chirp chirp.

It changes into one of those mini-van styled busses that they used for basketball games.

"Right, everyone in."

Kassandra nearly flew for the door so that she could sit as far away from him as she could. The hunters beat her to it, blocking the way as they began to load their packs under Zoe's command and claim the back of the bus to get away from Apollo.

The apologetic look that she received did little to ease her mind that she was still outside the bus, likely forced to the front near her father, and not as far away that she could get.

"Hey, sis. Where are you going anyway?"

Artemis scowled at him. "Hunting. It's none of your business."

"I'll find out. I see all. Know all."

Artemis snorted. "Just drop them off, Apollo. And no messing around!"

"I never mess around."

Clenching her jaw, she balls her fist at her side trying to calculate the chances of actually hinting him once -- a good one, a nice crack across the jaw -- before she was struck away into tiny little bits.

(See all? Know all? Where was that when it came to her? Artemis had said she was lost, hadn't she? That her name was wrong?

How is it that he could know and see all, but not be able to see how much she would grow to hate him, that the way that she despised him and the gods would define who she was and what she became? Lost! If knew the things that he could claim, then how was she lost to him? How was it was he had never claimed her sooner?!)

(And was he not messing around just now? Teasing her and holding her as if he was a loving father instead of some god that ruined her life? Pushing her boundaries and limits because he knew that she was helpless to do anything else?)

A hand wrapped over her fist, cool like the ocean. They smelled of saltwater spray and summertime. She relaxed in an instant. Percy would fight a good for no good reason. He would fight a god if a friend asked him to, she knew, his loyalty limitless.

That knowledge, though she would never dare put him in that place, was comforting. 

Apollo turned and grinned, jangling the car keys on his finger. "So," he said. "Who wants to drive?"

The hunters claimed the entire back of the bus, squeezing together as far back as they could so that they were away from Apollo, and she didn't blame them in the slightest.

Living the past four or five years with the constant sense of hatred and disgust and feeling or betrayal all towards one person — even if she hadn't always known that it was him that she was angry with at the time — could really make a person not want to be near someone.

And gods, did she not want to be near her father right now. She never wanted to be near him, not since she lost that hope and desire to be claimed, to be wanted by someone, when she was a naive little girl that thought it was the coolest thing to be the child of a god refusing to see it for the tragedy that it was. For Kassandra had spent her first few months in her own terrified of the world, had come into this on her own, praying and begging, with no sense of peace to grasp to at the end of a cycle.

She hadn't been able to breathe properly since that moment that she'd been claimed by the sun — even though he had decided that she was worth it once she had learnt to fight for herself, had learnt to be proud of who she was because she was not her father and she refused to be known as that alone.

And with him here, acting so strange and then not, flirting like the teenage boy that he appeared to be, acting reckless and charming and friendly, talking to her with the care of a parent, healing her with a touch and hugging her to his side — Kassandra couldn't make sense of him. What even was this? How was she supposed to act to this?

He was sorta flirting with Thalia which was... something else, acting like some cool older brother around Nico, and then just being indifferent to Percy and Grover.

"Kass, come to the front!" Thalia calls to her, hand slapping the seat closest to the driver with an almost desperate gleam in her eyes. "Tell Lord Apollo that you would love to drive!"

"I don't-" she struggles over the words, "think that's a good idea."

Apollo looks at her. "You want to drive, Kass?" he asks, completely turning away from Thalia.

"I've only driven a couple of times before. I'm not sure I should be driving the sun chariot," she says, but she gets up anyway, moving to settle near Percy and Grover.

The boy gives her that troublemaker smile his. "I'm sure there will be plenty of chances for her to drive when it doesn't look like we're on a field trip," he sasses. "Thalia should take the chance while she has it. She is the oldest out of us all."

"Shut it, Percy," the girl snapped.

"Daughter of Zeus, Lord of the sky, you'll be a natural," Apollo says, handing her the keys. He wasn't going to take no for an answer. "Take it away."

Thalia hesitates, slowly lowering herself into the driver's seat. She looked like she was going to be sick.

"Speed equals heat," Apollo advised. "So start slowly, and make sure you've got good altitude before you really open her up."

Thalia gripped the wheel so tight her knuckles turned white. She pulls back on the wheel and the bus lurched upward fast sending her crashing into Percy with a grunt.

"Sorry." She pushes herself away, fingers digging into the seats for balance. "You okay, Thalia?"

She doesn't answer as they start to speed up. She starts to slip back and she reaches out, grabbing the back of Apollo's shirt to keep herself upright. "Sorry," she yelps.

"Slower!" Apollo says.

"Sorry!" Thalia says. "I've got it under control!"

"Thalia," Percy says "lighten up on the accelerator."

"I've got it, Percy," she grits out.

"Loosen up!"

"I am loose!" She shouts.

Kassandra used Apollo's shirt to pulls herself up straight and launched herself into a seat. Nico beamed at her as if it was the best thing.

"It doesn't feel like you're loose," she screams.

"We need to veer south for Long Island," Apollo says. "Hang a left."

The bus veered and she nearly flew out of the seat, kicking out a foot to the seat across the aisle to keep from falling.

"The other left," Apollo suggests.

She picked her head up, planting a hand in front to brace herself and keep from knocking into Nico. She heard Percy and Grover grumble behind her as they were tossed into each other again.

Glancing up, she catches sight of Apollo's uneasy expression as he ruffles a hand through his hair. She hoped that he got in trouble for her terrible driving.

"Ah... A little lower, sweetheart. Cape Cod is freezing over," Apollo says, voice decidedly off, tense as if he was trying to force himself to sound calm.

Fire rolled in her stomach. "Can you not call my friends sweetheart?" she demands, spitting her rage.

He glances back at her, blue eyes hauntingly familiar to Lee's when he's watching her about to do something decidedly stupid. "Sorry, little Kassie."

Thalia tilted the wheel, angling the bus, and they were pitched forward, descending quickly. Apollo was thrown somewhere to the back of the bus, Percy screamed, and Nico cried out at the heat -- heat that didn't quite feel hot but uncomfortable.

"Pull up!" she screeched, eyes glued shut as she threw an arm out across Nico's chest. "For Hade's sake, pull up, Thalia!"

"Take the wheel!" Grover begs.

"No worries," Apollo says. He sounded very worried. "He just has to learn to-- WHOA!"

"Pull up!" Percy screamed.

Please don't let us die. Please, Lord Zeus, Lord of the sky, please don't let your daughter crash us into the earth, Kassandra prayed on repeat, a whine forming in the back of her throat as she latched tightly to the seat. Nico clung to her arm, short nails digging into her jacket.

Then she curses Apollo for his bad decision, hoping that this was one of those times her thoughts were accidentally sent to him so he would be aware of his mistakes.

They pulled up and she felt numb as she nearly slid straight off the seat. "Holy crap," she breathes.

"There!" Apollo calls. "Long Island, dead ahead. Let's slow down. 'Dead' is only an expression."

She peaked out the window. Thalia was thundering toward the coastline of northern Long Island. There was Camp Half-Blood: the valley, the woods, the beach. She could see the dining pavilion and cabins and the amphitheatre.

"I'm under control," Thalia mutters. "I'm under control."

"Brake," Apollo says.

"I can do this."

"Brake!"

Thalia slammed the beak, they careened forward and crashed into the canoe lake.

A second later, they were bobbing on the surface along with several half-melted canoes in the boiling water.

"Well," says Apollo with a brave smile. "You were right, my dear. You had everything under control! Let's go see if we boiled anyone important, shall we?"

She takes a second to breathe, unable to move. "Percy," she says just loud enough for him to hear."

"Yes?" he answers, voice sort of wobbly.

Kassandra swallows. "I think I need you to peel me off the seat."

Together they managed to get her onto her feet, Grover off the ground, Thalia to uncurl her fingers from the steering wheel, and Nico onto the dock, in no matter of time. The Hunters were close to follow, eager to get away from Apollo no doubt, even if it meant going to camp.

Her father stood by the door of the bus, watching them go without stepping away from the actual vehicle. She wondered when he was going to have it transformed back into his sports car.

"Whoa," Nico says as he climbed off the bus. "Is that a climbing wall?"

"Yeah," Percy says.

"Why is there lava pouring down it?"

"Little extra challenge. Come on. I'll introduce you to Chiron. Zoe, have you met—"

"I know Chiron," Zoe says stiffly. "Tell him we will be in Cabin Eight. Hunters, follow me."

"I'll show you the way," Grover offers.

"We know the way."

She waited for them to get a little bit of distance, the hunters leaving off to their cabin. It gave her pause for a moment, wondering if she should grab the sisters that she had here to stop by and make sure everything was okay -- if Artemis was the only deity other than her father that she considered a relation, then that left them with some sort of closeness by default, she supposed.

"Take care, sweethearts!" Apollo calls after the Hunters. He winked at Percy. "Watch out for those prophecies, Percy. I'll see you soon."

"What do you mean?"

Instead of answering, he hopped back into the driver's seat. "Later, Thalia," he calls. "And, uh, be good!"

"Wait! Apollo!" Kassandra shouts, catching him before he could close the door. She shoulders the bag on her back a little higher, fidgeting with the string of her bow. "Can I-- I have a question."

He seems to beam at her, his golden boy smile growing impossibly large. She struck with how much he looks like Will, it's almost unfair. Her brother really turned out a copy of their dad, it seemed. He hops down to her, away from his bus.

"I have a minute to spare," he says easily. "I had a few things that I wished to say to you as well. This will do better than a dream."

She shudders at the thought and glanced behind her. Only Percy remained, Nico hovering somewhere behind the boy, and she shooed them away with a wave of her hand. The son of Poseidon started to usher the newbie away.

"You aren't going to say anything to the others even though your here, are you?" she opens bitterly. She doesn't even pause to hear his reaction. She can tell from his grimace that he hadn't even considered it. "I wanted to ask about the screaming thing. What was that?"

He chuckles. "I figured you would have already guessed. It's like your flute, dear, you used the sound of your own voice as a weapon, but it isn't something that should be used often. A full-on scream isn't a weapon and it will hurt you."

She blanches, considering his words. "Like Will's whistle?"

"He won't be hurt from his whistle, don't worry," he says, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning back on one hip. "You should be worried about yourself."

Heat flares through her instinctively, even if she was trying very hard not to be angry with him right now.

(Sometimes, it was like anger was her strongest emotion, burning just beneath the surface waiting for the perfect opening to lash out and consume her, to fill her with that fiery rage that she uses as armour.)

"What's that supposed to mean?" she demands.

"Kassandra, I mean your rage, your ability to hold a grudge -- it will lead you down the wrong path. It will be the death of you if you aren't careful, daughter," Apollo warns.

She tenses, cheeks burning. "You sound like you would actually care," she scoffs, ignoring the urge to touch the sun that claimed her side.

"You are my child, Kassandra, I will always care for you," he says honestly. "I know that you will amount to great things. I look forward to seeing your future, but I'm afraid I won't have the chance if you cling to your hatred and grudges."

Her urge, her primal instinct, is to rip into him, to tear him apart and feel the golden ichor of his blood rush through her teeth. She wanted to show him the power that a grudge can bring, the power she was destined to have without his advance -- in spite of his advance.

She itched to tell him about the things that she had done with her anger, the pain she had inflicted, but with one look at his expression, she could tell that he already knew. There was no judgement, of course, there wasn't, Apollo could have a nasty temper when provoked, when slighted, when hurt. He would never judge the darkness of her half-godliness.

Taking a deep breath, she settled herself. "I have one more question."

Apollo smiles as if expecting this. "Of course."

"Last summer on the quest, I got these dreams. I didn't think much of them at first, but, well," She draws a sharp breath. "There was this one where I was running through tunnels until a came to a cliff. The same cliff that-- In my dream I was alone but Annabeth's voice was all around me in the wind. She kept repeating 'better me than you' and I... could I have stopped her?"

Her voice breaks, tears burning her eyes. She wants to erase herself, wants to fold inwards and burn with the sun.

"Should it have been me? Is that what that meant?"

Apollo's eyes are a mixture of gold and blue when she meets his gaze. "When it comes to the prophetic dreams of my children, the answers are not always as clear and simple as they seem. You will find that the answer will become clear when you need it."

She frowns, brow furrowed. "You didn't answer my question at all. This was totally useless."

He chuckles sheepishly. "I can only answer so much, dear, but I know that you will figure it out."

"Whatever," she mutters. "I hate prophecies."

Laughing, he makes his way back to the bus with a wicked grin. Then he closed the doors and revved the engine. The sun chariot took off in a clast of heat, the wave rushing over her and boiling the lake. A red Maserati soared over the woods, glowing brighter and climbing higher until it disappeared in a ray of sunlight.

Kassandra stood there for a moment, scowling after him as she considers his words. Finally, she scoffs and begins the walk back up to camp wondering if she needed to go to the big house before she could take a shower.

There in the path away from the lake was Percy, eyes a dangerous, tormenting hurricane as melted snow seemed to rise in the air around him.

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unedited

written: 2021-02-04

posted: 2021-04-03