Title: Dark Prey -- Elementals

Author: elsie-the-dweeb

Genre: Fantasy

Chapters Read: 4

Date: 8 January 2020

Title: 5/5

The title suits the theme of your story well. You've introduced in the former chapters (discreetly, of course) why the book has been named as such. Good job at choosing a title!

Cover: 2/5

The cover is, say, too simple for your story. A peaceful sunset has no relation to the amount of mystery and tension you have in your story. I'd say you get some professional-looking graphics since this is a fantasy story. Here are some cool graphic designers I know. To ensure their quality, I'll let you know that they have designed covers of my fantasy books.

GeekGoddess-
She made the graphics for 'Beyond the Veil'.

CannibalisticNecro
She made the graphics for 'Forbidden'.

avadel
They made the page break of 'Beyond the Veil'.

Summary: 4/5

Your summary was pretty nice. It included everything a good summary should have. It introduced the main character, depicted the crisis, and the stakes of the story.

Though, there were a few grammatical mistakes that I'd like to point out in your summary.

And if that isn't bad enough he has a death...

He can't be burned and he can...

There's more to the world than meets the eye and soon...

You're missing a comma up there in all those sentences. Here is the correction you need to do in order to make them sound natural.

And if that isn't bad enough, he has a death...

He can't be burned, and he can...

There's more to the world than meets the eye, and soon...

There is another issue in the last line of the synopsis.

...on a grave journey across the country to, hopefully, save the world.

Saying this out loud, it feels strange. Here is a modification you can do.

...on a grave journey across the country to save the world.

Correct these errors and your synopsis will be perfect.

Grammar: 3.5/5

Your grammar was pretty spot-on most of the time. However, there were times when I felt you could've done better. Your issues are quite minimal, and a normal reader wouldn't be affected by them but as your reviewer, it is my job to point out even those smallest issues so your book can become more polished.

Here is a list of a few mistakes you end up making unintentionally.

• Missing commas and A few Dialogue tag errors

Yes, those things are tedious, and unfortunately, that is your biggest problem too. You sometimes either forget to add a comma or you forget to add the comma before a dialogue tag.

I groaned. "Can you not take the hint?"

There is a missing comma instead of a full stop. 'I groaned' is a dialogue tag.

He glanced at Mistral, laughing at her. "What you need your boyfriend to protect you?"

There are some errors in this dialogue. Say it aloud. You need to add a punctuation mark after 'what', either an exclamation or question mark.

"Look, Frankie is unstuck now so can we all just calm down...?"

There needs to be a comma after 'now'.

"I said back off." She spoke slowly.

She spoke is a dialogue tag so your dialogue should end with a comma instead of a full stop.

"Ah, ah, ah" The bully...

You're missing a comma before the dialogue ends.

"I'm Frankie by the way."

There needs to be a comma after Frankie.

• Adverbs and Dialogue Tags

This is one of the most recurring issues I found in your writing. It's not such a big issue, but if you are aiming to publish this book in the near future, it might help you.

You use a lot of adverbs. Now, to all the people who are reading this, this might help you too, so hold on.

An adverb is a word or phrase that modifies or qualifies an adjective, verb, or other adverb or a word group, expressing a relation of place, time, circumstance, manner, cause, degree, etc.

Usually, adverbs have the word 'ly' behind them. Example: gently, usually, slowly, etc.

I groaned inwardly.

Because clearly, you must have had...

Unsurprisingly, the teachers...

...to find Jade was completely forgotten...

Apparently, Frankie was the epitome of...

"Yeah," I said shortly.

Honestly, I was going to lose...

I know you must be freaking out, but don't worry. I do it too, but I always make sure that while the book is in the editing phase,  I remove most of the adverbs.

It is a common advice Stephen King has given in his book 'On Writing', which is a must-read for beginners.

Advice #1:

“I believe the road to hell is paved with adverbs, and I will shout it from the rooftops. To put it another way, they’re like dandelions. If you have one in your lawn, it looks pretty and unique.

If you fail to root it out, however, you find five the next day… fifty the day after that… and then, my brothers and sisters, your lawn is totally, completely, and profligately covered with dandelions.

By then you see them for the weeds they really are, but by then it’s — GASP!! — too late.” Stephen King

Advice #2:

I insist that you use the adverb in dialogue attribution only in the rarest and most special of occasions … and not even then, if you can avoid it. Just to make sure we all know what we’re talking about, examine these three sentences:

“Put it down!” she shouted.

“Give it back,” he pleaded, “it’s mine.”

“Don’t be such a fool, Jekyll,” Utterson said.

In these sentences,shouted, pleaded, and saidare verbs of dialogue attribution. Now look at these dubious revisions:

“Put it down!” she shouted menacingly.

“Give it back,” he pleaded abjectly, “it’s mine.”

“Don’t be such a fool, Jekyll,” Utterson said contemptuously.

The three latter sentences are all weaker than the three former ones, and most readers will see why immediately.

[…]

Some writers try to evade the no-adverb rule by shooting the attribution verb full of steroids. The result is familiar to any reader of pulp fiction or paperback originals:”

“Put the gun down, Utterson!” Jekyll grated.

“Never stop kissing me!” Shayna gasped.

“You damned tease!” Bill jerked out.

The best form of dialogue attribution is said, as in he said, she said, Bill said, Monica said.

So there we go. Along with adverbs, we also discussed why we shouldn't use those words like enthused, raved, etc.

Always try to end dialogue tags with 'said' or simple terms like that.

• Unnatural speech

This is a petty issue you have in your writing, but to be, it's important you know about it.

Using words like 'ah, uh, umm, huh, etc.' are common in our normal dialect. However, you should not use them in your writing. They sound unnatural and it feels odd. It sounds as if the author is trying to drag on with his words.

"Uh, Avery..."

"Uh, I've got to go now..."

"Ah, ah, ah,"

Eliminate these and show us the hesitation they're having instead.

• Some common errors

Apparently, Frank was the epitome of cliche nerd cliques.

Never, ever, do this. Don't tell your reader that the story has a cliche character. It just gives the reader an excuse to leave your story or downvote it before even reading how good you've carved out your character.

Show us his traits, and let us guess. Don't let Avery tell us this. I hope you got my point.

You're telling me, I thought.

It's what Avery is thinking, and since your story is narrated in the first person, eliminate the words like 'I thought'.

Italicize the thoughts instead.

In the fourth chapter, here is a sentence that bothered me.

*Today we can be friends, but tomorrow, we'll be enemies."

You included this sentence in your first para, but since it's a repetition from the third chapter (and it's playing in Avery's mind), you should break the para and italicize it. It is to give the words a greater effect.

Fix these mistakes, and your story will be good to go in terms of grammar.

Writing Style: 4.5/5

Apart from the issue with adverbs, your writing style is good. There is a lot of showing rather than telling, which gives the story more depth. The descriptions are in order, not too much, not too little. Also, I like how you portray your character's thoughts. Each one of them is distinct and memorizing. I can tell whos talking even before you mention it, which is a good sign.

My Favorite Quote

Characterization: 5/5

Each one of your characters is distinct, and you portray them well.

Avery: His character as the protagonist is worthy. He is not your perfect character who saves everyone. He has issues, he is a coward sometimes, which just makes the story more interesting. Avery is scared to make some decisions, he doubts himself, and he cares about people no matter what he tries to show. He is loyal too. He balances out both the good and bad traits, and this is something I root for. I like characters who have flaws. I like to hate my protagonist sometimes for his bad works, and those protagonists are the ones that stay with me forever. Avery is one of them.

Mistral: She is a bitch most of the time, but her actions show that she cares for people. She protects her sister Eliza and never judges her. And the way she responds to her sexuality is worth noticing. She doesn't have any problem sharing her sexuality with people, which is quite brave. Perhaps, it's just me, but I think she's Earthquake.

Eliza: Shes a quiet character, and is anti-social. There's not much I can say about her, but her character gives your book more depth.

Linc: Lincoln is an ass. I don't like him at all. He always keeps himself busy with his phone, is unnecessarily rude. And this makes him perfect!

Wait, you weren't expecting to hear this. You were expecting me to shout at you for creating such a bad character, weren't you? Ahem! But really, creating faulty characters is hard, and you've done it well with Lincoln.

The Family: The trio is strange, but I assume they are not that bad judging from their behavior until now. They are on the outlook for something.

Plot + Uniqueness: 5/5

I like where you're going with your book. I haven't read many books having elements, but I like your idea, and your writing style enhances it. I wish you the best of luck!

Overall Score: 29/35

Overall, it's a great premise! Just fix up those grammar errors, and I bet your story will get popular.

I recommend my readers to read this book.

-Queue-

This Queue is in order. Also, please read this review, as your reviews will be similar.

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I'll be doing this kind of queue since a waiting list is quite confusing, to both me and you. This way, I can keep track of things as I do reviews.