I don’t regret the things I’ve done; I regret what I didn’t do when I had the chance

‘Alright class we’re going to start our day off by me saying a word and you saying a quote, if you will, on how you feel about something relating to the word.’ Ms. Mew said once again clapping making me feel uneasy when she said this. She began all the way on the other side with simple words such as love and hate then getting down to more difficult things.

‘Jasper your word is fate.’ I shifted my body so I could look at his reaction and he looked emotionless.

‘There is no such thing as fate; you choose which path you walk down. There is nothing dragging you down a path you haven’t chosen. Everything happens because of the choices you made.’ He said making shiver run down my back. His words felt haunting and made me think of Jocelyn.

‘Very good, Jasper! Mads, your word is… regret.’ She said smiling but little did she know that my stomach dropped. My breathing hitched and my muscles tensed, this is exactly the kind of thing I was scared of. Images of Jocelyn and the mission began flashing before my eyes and without thinking I spoke.

‘I don’t regret the things I’ve done; I regret what I didn’t do when I had the chance,’ I spoke just audible forcing everyone to lean in to hear me. Ms Mew’s eyes stayed on me for a second before moving to the next person. My mind had kept drifting off after that and I barely paid any attention all I could think about was tiny flashbacks that didn’t really make since to me.

‘Mads,’ a voice said snapping me back into reality. I looked around and realized that there was no one in the class except for me and Jasper.

‘Where is everybody?’ I asked frowning getting off his lap and getting my stuff.

‘They’ve been gone for the past three minutes, I’ve been trying to get your attention since the bell rang and you never moved.’ He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

‘Listen I know things are hard for you but if you ever need to talk, you can talk to me. I’m your partner so you’re going to have to-’ I cut him off before he could finish his sentence.

‘You are not my partner! This is a team and you will never be part of it, you don’t know how hard it is and you will be nothing more than just a person that has come to replace my best friend!’ I yelled at him making him scowl deeply. His face was so cute scowling, the ways his eyes bunched up and his nose lightly crinkled- stop! I can’t be having these thoughts!

‘You know what, your right. I would never have a partner as stubborn and stupid to only fill herself up with denial and can’t face the truth.’ He said coldly before turning on his heel and walking away. My hand twitched as he left, the feeling of emptiness and the truth he spoke only added to the hurt.

It took me half a class period to figure out where my class was and when I got there Jasper wasn’t there. A part of me was glad I didn’t have to see him but another part of me was sad he wasn’t here. When the bell rang I had hardly noticed until the girl from my Special Arts class was standing in front of me.

‘Are you just going there all day?’ she asked me sounding annoyed at me making me frown. What had I ever done to upset her?

‘No,’ I trailed off and she bit her lower lip thinking.

‘You know what you need? You need some musical therapy to help you feel better after your little spat with your boyfriend. It’s lunch time so the music room should be open’ She said pulling me by my arm to a music room which held so many instruments you had to turn 360 degrees to see all the instruments.

‘Okay first off, I don’t have a boyfriend, second, we didn’t have a spat and third,’ I paused letting my eyes run over each instrument.

‘This room is amazing!’ I said making me smile even though it hadn’t touched my eyes.

‘Wait, so that guy that was holding you hostage on his lap is still on the market?’ she asked hopeful and I nodded slightly uncomfortable at this conversation. Her attitude instantly changed from somewhat hostile to somewhat friendly.

‘So what’s your favorite instrument?’ she asked me and I looked away at her innocent expression.

‘I don’t play,’ I said looking at my fingers. I looked at the little cast on my wrist and I glared at it talking it off and throwing it away. Isabel raised her eyebrow but said nothing; I gave her an appreciative glance before my eyes fell to the slick dark brown grand piano.

I walked to it without thinking and clenched my fists. My fingers ached to play, to feel the cool piano keys under my fingers. My breath hitched as I heard the piano begin to play Ode to Joy, I looked at Isabel wincing every time she missed a note or was off tempo but she real good. She stopped playing and smiled at me waiting for me to speak.

‘That was amazing,’ I said trying to put much enthusiasm into it and it seemed she bought it after she beamed at me happy to hear praise. She nodded in thanks and the bell rang signaling it was time for class. I was walking in the hallway slightly spaced out and I was thrown against the locker lightly.

‘Hey hot stuff,’ the guy with ruffled dirty blonde hair bright green eyes and a Colgate smile said grinning widely. I pushed him away from me and he stumbled back shocked by my strength.

‘Hey ugly, stay away from me,’ I sneered before walking away. The day continued on and more guys had the guts to walk up to me and ask me out or say a rude comment that could easily have a double meaning. I walked to my locker after my last class to pick up my book bag when there was a huge group of girls surrounding it.

I pushed them out of my way and Jasper was leaning on my locker. I glared at him and he moved off of my locker. I quickly got my stuff and when I turned around I was met by a glare of the entire female population all surrounding me right by my locker. I looked at them with a bored expression and when a girl was brave enough to walk up to me I waited to listen what she was going to say.

‘What are you to him,’ she demanded and I raised an eyebrow.

‘Whom?’ I asked playing dumb making her sneer and get into my face. I had been leaning on my locker waiting for them to make a path for me but since they clearly weren’t going to do this the easy way. I stood up straight easily towering over the girl, who looked to be wearing 5 inch stilettos, by half a foot. I heard her breath stop before returning and she tried to keep the same intense voice she had once had but as I glared hard at her, she trailed off beginning to look scared.

‘Move,’ I said my voice hard a crisp making her wince. I glanced at her fidgeting figure who became trembling as I looked at her scared big brown eyes and she fell to the floor on her knees looking like she was about to cry. What a drama queen!

‘Stella!’ a little blonde girl went to help her brunette friend. I looked up to meet everyone’s scared expression as they all began making a path for me. I walked by them not giving them a glance back as I walked to the black eclipse that was still parked and Jasper leaning against it.

‘You did that on purpose,’ I growled as he unlocked the door and looked at me from the driver’s seat.

‘Are you going to get in sometime this year please,’ he said sarcastically and I gave him a blank expression as the inside of me wanted to punch him again and knock him out. I got in the car and throughout the entire car ride was filled with so much tension that you could use a real knife to cut through it. As soon as we got home he slammed the door shut greeting us at the door Melinda raised an eyebrow and her mouth was in a straight line.

‘The other girls are going on a small mission for a week and I have a trip to go on, I don’t want any problems while I’m away,’ she said and my jaw dropped.

‘Why can’t I go on the mission as well?’ I asked shocked that I would be missing a first mission ever since the day I joined.

‘It’s just a small gang lord, and you’re still injured. The home doctor said you need an extra week of healing before you can do any missions so you’re not doing any more unless you’re healed.’ She said and I was going to argue more but something in her eyes stopped me. I nodded curtly and went to my room before slamming my door and sat on the floor with my back against the door.

‘Maddy, I know this is the first mission your ever missing and I know that Jocelyn’s not here but I can’t lose you too,’ Melinda whispered and I could hear the pain in her voice bringing tears to my eyes.

‘I’m sorry, I’ll be back in next Tuesday,’ she spoke softly and I walked to my closet pushing all of my clothes hanging out of the way revealing a secret door. I grabbed the key that was under my red shoebox. Turning the lock my heart stopped as I opened the door revealing a room that was painted light blue, green and white.

The room made me feel like I was in a country girls room and that’s what Jocelyn had said she wanted to be when she grew up. My heart tightened remembering all of the memories of me and her in her room laughing, talking, and just dreaming.

‘Mads, what do you want to be when you grow up?’ Jocelyn asked with her red wavy hair pulled into a ponytail. I was sitting on the piano stool and clenched my hands looking down at my fists. I felt her eyes on me and she got up and put my hands on the piano keys.

‘Mad, I know you love the piano and don’t want to say anything because we both started playing at the same time and you’re ten times better than me,’ she said and my hands shook.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said instantly and she laughed.

‘Why are you sorry, you did nothing bad,’ she said and I looked at her light grey eyes.

‘I don’t want you to be mad at me. We started at the same time but I picked it up so easily and Melinda always yelled at you for not being able to do the same thing,’ I said whispering looking at my hands again.

‘I admit you picked it up easily but I don’t like playing it, I would never be mad at you being better than me at most things because you have a drive. You want to be able to do all these things and you try, I don’t. The only thing I’d be mad at you about is you not playing the piano because you’re scared of what other people thinks your scared of what other people think, I think your amazing and if anyone disagrees you knock them out before I get a chance to cause there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to stop,’ she said smiling lightly like an older sister would.

‘I want to become a pianist,’ I said with a confident voice and she smiled rolling her eyes.

‘Obviously,’ she said and I shoved her lightly on her shoulder and she laughed.

‘Play me a song,’ she said getting up and sitting down on a beanbag. I smiled and started with a few scales before letting my fingers flow across the piano playing blends of her favorite country songs and her humming along to it.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I woke with a gasp as found myself lying on my bed. I looked around and saw that the secret door was still open; I quickly turned off my alarm and locked the door putting the key in the usual place under my red shoebox.

I took a fast shower and was able to move around a bit more easily. My cuts were scabbed but healed for the most part though I can’t say the bruises looked any better. I put on ripped black leggings and a short denim skirt, my spaghetti strap shirt was red and I put on a light black leather jacket tying everything in with combat boots.

I walked out the door with a little more pep to my step and walked downstairs to see Jasper walking in blue plaid pajama and no shirt on. I cursed the gods that decided to carve this man with such muscles I had trouble keeping my eyes away from his nicely toned abs and chest.

‘What are you doing up so early?’ he asked shocked looking me up and down making my heart race a little.

‘Getting coffee,’ I sated picking up the coffee he just made himself and taking a sip. I was nice and hot and tasted overly sweet to most people but perfect to me. I smiled as I tasted not only a hint of caramel but cinnamon as well.

‘Mmm, did you put cinnamon in this?’ I asked kind of surprised, not many people I knew like cinnamon and caramel in their coffee.

‘Yeah, did you just take my coffee?’ he asked bewildered. A grin spread across my mouth and his mouth dropped slightly.

‘Yup,’ I said popping the “p”. I walked away happy he had put his, I mean my, coffee in a to-go cup. I grabbed my keys and backpack and walked out the door.

‘I’m dreaming, there’s no way she just smiled,’ I heard him mumbling making me grin even more as I walked to my black and red Mustang. I looked at the time on my phone and it was 6:10 as I made my way to the school that had teachers arriving sluggish.

I parked my car grabbing my stuff and running to catch up with Ms. Mew who was walking to class sleepily.

‘Ms. Mew!’ I yelled getting her attention and she turned around slightly startled.

‘Do you have the key to the music room?’ I asked hope laced into my voice and she ruffled through her purse before tossing me a neon pink key. I looked at her shocked and she winked at me before walking away. I smiled and sprinted to the music room unlocking the door and a shiver ran down my spine as I looked at the grand piano.

My heart beat erratically and my fingers itched wanting to sit behind the keys of a piano. I looked around before sitting down on the bench. My finger touched a key and I smiled lovingly at the perfectly tuned piano. I played a few scales before my hands ran across the keys and I drifted into a sea of soft music.

I didn’t realize I was playing a song until I heard the chords of guitar go along with my song. I slowly played and my voice went along with the song, I played with my heart and the unknown guitar player playing alongside me. The song went faster and my hands never shook and I heard a violin joining in and I smiled while singing feeling like it was just me and the instruments in the room.

I turned around and Ms. Mew was setting down the guitar looking a little guilty.

‘Sorry, I knew the song and couldn’t resist,’ she said making me laugh lightly.

‘You were brilliant darling! You were playing a simple song just now but before that you were playing some of the most difficult pieces that most professionals can’t even play. Where did you learn that?’ she asked her eyes lighting up. I wasn’t going to tell her that I was taught by many high professionals as a nine year old. I had learned to play because there were some missions where we needed to get into a party and I would be the one playing the piano distracting everyone while the other girls had to do the dirty work. I mean I was in the action most of the time but I was always the one to start off the mission

‘Who was playing the violin?’ I asked and Ms. Mew frowned.

‘Isabel was here just a second ago,’ she said and a lump got caught in my throat. I ran after Isabel and when I touched her she moved back as if I had burned her.

‘Don’t touch me you lying, modest, treacherous, female dog!’ she screeched causing some people in the halls to stare at us.

‘Why did you lie to me?’ she asked and I gulped.

‘I stopped playing a while ago and didn’t think I would remember anything,’ I said and she wiped her eyes.

‘You were amazing! Not only that but so was your voice, your incredible,’ she said and I smiled lightly.

‘I’m done playing now, I just wanted to remember what the keys felt like under my finger again,’ I said walking away and she grabbed my shoulder as I resisted the urge to punch her for grabbing my bruised arm.

‘No, you can’t!’ she cried out causing more people to look at us.

‘Listen, I don’t want to play it anymore I’ve lost interest in it,’ I said and she shook her head glaring at me.

‘You’re lying, you played with so much emotion and love that I felt like the music was seeping into my soul,’ she said dramatically and I rolled my eyes.

‘You know what, fine be that way! Waste your God given talent on nothing, I’m sure your parents will be proud,’ she snarled before walking away. Whatever good mood I was in five minutes ago, is gone now.

For the rest of the day Isabel kept glaring at me and Jasper kept looking at me confused and staying away from me. The next four days I talked to no one, the guys were still hitting on me with full force and I was getting extremely annoyed.

Friday after school I couldn’t handle it. I took a fake licensed plate from the drawer in the garage and waited impatiently for the day to end. When the bell rang I sprinted out of school and into my car. I revved up the engine getting some whistles from guys as I rolled up my windows giving them the finger.

I sped out of school and began driving faster. I pushed the pedal as far as it could go and soon in no time I heard sirens making me smile. Oh, it is on.