#PSHateMeWP

Chapter 4

"That's not easy to do, you know?" I say as I continue watching Uno.

Tinitigan niya ako pabalik at kahit na malalim siya kung tumingin, hindi ko 'yon ininda. I continue to stare at him although my mind is telling me I should look away.

The way he looks always feels dangerous but rather than terrifying me, it makes him look more intriguing. Sa talim niya kung tumingin gamit ang magaganda niyang mga matang 'yan? It makes me wonder why people hate on him. With his good looks and intimidating aura, I can tell girls will always flock around Uno.

"That's life. Nothing is easy," aniya.

"Turuan mo naman ako." I chuckle.

Uno looks at me with a frown on his forehead. He's really handsome! With that kind of nose? Narrow and very masculine. Sa mga kilay na makakapal? Sa madilim kung tuminging mga mata? Sa mga labi niyang parang handa parating ngumisi nang sarkastiko?

What's wrong with all the girls on campus? Why would they choose some jock over Uno? 

"How do I become like you? How do I stop caring about what other people say?"

Hindi sumagot si Uno. Tumingin ulit siya sa malayo at namuo ang katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa.

But it's the kind of silence I feel comfortable with. That's a first. I usually always fill silent gaps to avoid making the conversation awkward. Ngayon, mas gusto ko ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin ni Uno. But I will appreciate it if he answers my questions.

"Why ask me?" he finally answers after a while, and I look at him. He's already looking at me too. His emotionless eyes are staring directly into mine.

"Why not ask you?" I ask back and I grin at him.

He frowns a little while he stares at me and his eyes land on my smile.

There's really something with the way Uno looks at people with disinterest. Why do I find it so appealing, anyway? Kailan pa ako naaliw sa mga taong kulang na lang ay irapan ka nang harapan?

"We don't know each other," aniya.

"We can do something about that! We can get to know each other," simpleng sabi ko at lalo siyang nginitian.

The afternoon breeze blows once more. The leaves from the trees swayed. Dinig na dinig sa paligid ang malabong tunog ng ingay ng mga estudyanteng papauwi na.

"I don't have time to teach you," Uno tells me.

"Lie! You wouldn't be sleeping here if you are busy," makulit na sabi ko.

Uno hisses and we both fall silent once again.

Isinipa ko ang paa ko sa damong nasa lupa at napangiti habang pinagmamasdan 'yon. I shouldn't bother him anymore but the thing is, something in my gut is pushing me to get closer to Uno.

Maybe I really want to learn from him. Siguro nga, gusto kong gayahin kung ano ang mindset niya sa lahat ng bagay. 

It feels nice to meet someone different from the people you usually meet and someone with a perspective different from yours. 

Pinagmasdan ko ang mamahalin kong mga sapatos na pamasok. My mom bought me this pair of shoes because she told me it will look good on my feet. Manipis kasi ang mga binti ko at may kaliitan ang mga paa. The pointed shoes and the three-inches heels make my legs and feet look more delicate. 

"Sinabi ko na sa 'yo. I don't make friends," ani Uno. "I don't want to start having one."

Inangat ko ang tingin ko sa kaniya at nagtama na naman ang mga tingin naming dalawa. "Then don't be my friend! I'll call you coach. Instructor-student relationship. Does that work for you?"

"Niloloko mo ba 'ko?" he asks back flatly, and I burst out laughing.

Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko at kinagat ang labi para pigilan ang tawa. "I'm not! Gusto ko lang talagang turuan mo 'ko."

"What will I get?" he asks.

"Money?" I offer because that's the first thing I thought of.

"I don't need your money," ani Uno at kinagat ko ang labi ko.

Maybe he's shy of receiving money! He shouldn't be. Pero ayoko namang pilitin din siya.

"Uhm. I—I will do some of your schoolwork?"

"I don't want to trust you with my GWA," aniya at nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

"Hey! I have a nice GWA!" I say.

"What's your GWA?" he asks.

"1.67!" I argue, mayabang pa dahil alam kong mataas ang GWA ko. "What's yours?"

"Flat one," he tells me, and I shut up.

Flat one! Who gets that kind of grade in college?

"Nevermind," aniya bago tumayo at sinuot sa isang balikat ang bag pero hindi umalis nang tuluyan. 

Inangat ko ang tingin sa kaniya at nalungkot dahil wala na akong ibang pwedeng mai-offer sa kaniya kapalit ng hinihiling ko. Who am I fooling, really? Alam ko namang gusto ko lang talaga siyang maging kaibigan.

"The first thing you need to learn is prioritizing yourself," aniya kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya.

I stand up too and I face him. He looks at me straight into my eyes. Dahil sa tangkad ni Uno, kailangan ko pang tumingala para tingnan siya.

The way he looks from this view is making me feel funny. Hindi ko maipaliwanag. Para akong hinihila. I want to raise my hand and brush my fingers through his hair. I want to place my hand on his cheek and trace his sharp jaw. 

"What do you want? What are the things you don't like? Figure them out," aniya pero bahagya na akong nadi-distract sa naiisip tungkol sa kaniya.

"Do I list them?" I ask and he slightly frowns again.

Napangiti ako pero kinagat ko ang labi ko para pigilan ang sariling ngumiti.

Whenever he frowns, it makes me feel a lot of things too. Parang gusto kong abutin ang noo niya at subukang alisin ang kunot doon.

"Do you want to list them?" Uno asks me, unaware of the things running inside my mind. "Hindi mo ako kailangang tanungin. Do things how you want to do them."

All my life, I have been told of what I should be, how I should act, and what I should say. But Uno is telling me to decide by myself.

It's new. Hindi madali para sa 'kin na magdesisyon para sa sarili ko dahil buong buhay ko, para akong may manual na sinusunod.

"I will list them," I say with conviction.

Uno looks at my smile and he looks away, pocketing both of his hands in his black trousers. Parang gusto kong magprotesta para ibalik niya sa 'kin ang tingin niya.

Come on. I want to see his beautiful eyes!

"Can I—" I stop saying what I am about to say and I think of a better way to say it. He doesn't want me to ask him how I should do things! Uno looks at me and I raise my gaze to look at him again. "I want to show it to you tomorrow."

Mukhang natahimik si Uno dahil sa sinabi ko. I don't know if it's because of what I just said or it's because of the tone I am using. Maybe he doesn't expect me to learn this fast. 

His beautiful orbs remain on me. I don't know what's running inside his mind.

He sighs and looks away. "Tomorrow. At the cafeteria," he tells me, and I immediately smile because of it.

"Okay! Wouldn't it be a bother for you?" I ask.

Uno bends forward and moves his face near mine. I purse my lips. Agad kong naamoy ang pabango niyang gustong-gusto ko ang dating. With his face nearer than before, I can now clearly see how good he looks even in close-up.

"Pumayag na 'ko. That means I will be there no matter what my circumstances are," aniya. "You don't have to wonder if it bothers me."

"But I am trying to be considerate," I say.

"I already agreed, Abriella," ulit niya sa sinabi niya at parang may umikot na kung ano sa tiyan ko dahil sa ginamit niyang pangalan ko. No one calls me that. "Whatever plans I may have tomorrow, I already moved them because I decided to meet you. If you cancel because you think it bothers me, it will be more bothersome for me to reschedule things. You get it?"

Oh. So, that's how it works? Tama nga naman siya. Kung iniusod niya na ang lahat ng mga kailangan niyang gawin para sa 'kin, mas magiging abala para sa kaniya kung aatras ako dahil nahihiya ako.  

Tumango ako. "Sorry," I say.

"Stop saying sorry."

"Sor—" I stop talking and I chuckle. "I got so used to it."

I bite my lip as silence envelopes us once again. 

"Tomorrow, I will bring the list." Napayuko ako nang kaunti dahil nakakaramdam ng kaunting hiya dahil sa paninitig niya. "See you tomorrow."

Nagsimula nang maglakad paalis si Uno nang mukhang tapos na kaming mag-usap pero agad kong tinawag ang pangalan niya kaya huminto siya sa paglalakad. He looks at me.

"Thank you, Uno," I tell him. "For agreeing to be friends with me."

Because I know that he knows that the instructor-student is just an excuse to be friends with him.

Uno stares at me for a couple of seconds before he looks away. Nagpatuloy na siyang maglakad palayo at pinagmasdan ko siyang umalis.

'Yon ang ginawa ko pagkauwing-pagkauwi ko ng bahay. Mabilis akong umakyat papunta sa kwarto, nagpalit ng damit, at kumuha ng isang papel at ballpen.

Things that I want:

1. I love OPM.

2. I also love it when people call me Abriella instead of Damaris.

3. I want to eat!

Pinagmasdan ko ang unang tatlong bagay na naisip ko. I bite my lip as I continue adding more on the list.

Dahil masiyado akong nasiyahan sa pagsusulat, hindi ko na napansing gabi na at oras na para mag-hapunan. Kung hindi pa ako tinawag ng isa sa mga kasambahay, hindi pa ako bababa para kumain.

With my good mood and smile, I walk down the stairs to go to the dining area but I halt when I hear my dad's voice.

He curses and calls my brother's name. "You graduated and got your degree! Help the company. Anong magagawa ng pagtugtog-tugtog mo? Sinasayang mo lang ang pinag-aralan mo. Tonto!"

Agad na nawala ang ngiti ko. 

Dad is in his complete formal attire and I'm sure that he just got home from work. The exhaustion in his eyes is proof that he just experienced an unimaginable amount of stress from the company. 

Dad—Danilo Serquña—is the oldest to two children in the family. Tita Gertrude is the youngest and is also one of the major stockholders of the company. My father naturally took over the company and my brother is assumed to follow in his footsteps. Unfortunately, my brother refuses to do so and it will always be something they disagree with. 

Dahil panganay at lalaki si Kuya, gusto nina Daddy na siya na ang susunod na sumalo sa kumpanya. Although we have good relationship with Tita Gertrude, my father doesn't want Gino—Tita Gertrude's son to take his place. Gusto ni Dad na anak niya ang susunod na sasalo ng kumpanya. 

Napayuko ako at dahan-dahang lumapit sa dining area. I see my dad on the head of the huge wooden dining table. The ornaments on top of it and the nicely organized plates look beautiful but I can't even appreciate them because the atmosphere is too tense.

Sinulyapan ko si Kuya na nagpapatuloy sa pagkain na para bang wala siyang naririnig. I purse my lips and I go near dad to kiss his cheek, but he raises his hand to stop me from doing so. I step back and go to my seat at the dining table.

Agad akong pinagsilbihan ng isa sa mga kasambahay. Sinalinan ng juice ang isa kong baso at pabulong akong nagpasalamat sa kasambahay. The helper looks terrified because of my father. Nanginginig pa nga ang kamay niya nang salinan ang baso ko ng inumin.

"Hindi mo gayahin si Gino. Ni hindi pa nga nagkukulehiyo pero may interes na sa negosyo."

He's mentioning one of my cousins, Gino. The son of Tita Gertrude, Dad's sister. Nasa senior high school pa lang si Gino at hindi pa nagkukulehiyo, just like what my father said. Bata pa lang, nakikita na ni Tita Gertrude ang potential ni Gino sa negosyo at ang interes nito ro'n kaya maagang in-expose sa kumpanya.

What can I say? The blood of the Serquñas is strong for Gino. Iba kay Kuya Kenan na nakuha ang hilig sa musika kay Mommy.

No, my mom doesn't sing. But she's an artist too. She's a ballet instructor. Sinubukan niyang hatakin din ako sa pagba-ballet pero hindi ko nahiligan. I don't enjoy singing or dancing. I love listening to songs but that's how far I go with arts.

Sinulyapan ko ang reaksyon ni Kuya Kenan sa pagbabanggit ni Dad sa pangalan ng pinsan namin. He looks like he can't hear anything. Para bang pumapasok sa isang tainga niya at lumalabas sa kabila ang mga sinasabi ni Dad.

If Mom is here, I'm sure she will defend Kuya Kenan again. Pero wala si Mommy. Mukhang nasa ballet studio pa siya at hindi pa tapos ang pagtuturo.

Tinapos ni Kuya ang pagkain. Kinolekta niya ang pinggan niya at walang pakialam na tumayo mula sa hapag at dinala ang pinagkainan sa kusina kahit na pwede niya namang iwan na lang ang mga 'yon sa mesa.

Tiningnan ko ang pinggan ko at nagsimula nang kumain. Dad sighs as Kuya Kenan leaves the dining. He sits at the head of the long hardwood table, and he proceeds to putting food on his plate.

I start eating. Gano'n din si Dad.

As we eat in silence, I start to remember the list. I will add a couple of things to it.

To the things I want to do: skip dinner with Dad.

To the things I don't want to do: eat dinner with Dad.

I used to always want to be with my father especially when I was younger and he spends most of his time working. Lagi ko pa siyang inaabangan noon at hinihintay tuwing dinner dahil gusto ko siyang makasama. I also want to talk to him and bond with him. Nakapanood kasi ako dati ng isang palabas kung sa'n malapit ang isang batang babae sa tatay niya.

Napaisip ako kung gano'n ba dapat ang relasyon ng isang mag-ama? So I got envious. I want to be that kind of daughter too! A papa's girl.

Napangiti ako nang mapait at tuluyan nang nawalan ng ganang kumain.

"Are you still friends with Mr. De Leon and Mrs. Tan's daughters?" biglang tanong ni Dad at inangat ko ang tingin sa kaniya.

He's talking about Chelsea and Dielle. Both are daughters of influential families. Chelsea De Leon and Dielle Tan.

"Yes, Dad," I say and I smile a little.

Dad nods. "Good," he says and doesn't add anything anymore.

I want to add this to the list too: I want to make friends because I genuinely want to have friends. I don't want to be friends for the sake of my Dad or because of influence. 

Because our family is known in the food industry for having one of the largest food companies in the Philippines, our family is considered part of high society. Because of that, influence is very important. The more influence you have, the more you control the high society. 

That's what Dad has always been trying to make me do: control the high society. However, rather than controlling it, I am being controlled by it. Dad is disappointed with me because of it. I am not friendly. I am not like Tita Gertrude who can easily talk to everyone during important events. 

I can't live up to his high expectations—and it always makes me feel frustrated. I should be this. I should be that. Ang ipinambabawi ko na lang ay ang maganda kong standing sa klase at ang magandang reputasyon ko sa mga tao. 

Kinagat ko ang labi ko at naalala na naman ang listahang ibibigay ko bukas kay Uno. I'm sure that once he sees the things I will list, he will know everything about me—my secrets and my scars. I don't know if I can still show him the list. I don't know if I can open every ugly thing about me.

And. . . I want to add another thing to the list but I won't write it down anymore. 

I want to take over the company.

Humigpit ang mga hawak ko sa mga kubyertos at napabuga ng hangin.