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xxviii. Dead Boy Walking
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THE COLD FLOOR under her keeps her out of her head, like a stark reminder of reality and a distraction all in one, so she often finds herself sat on it, whether she's reading, doing homework or just listening to her record player.

She was told on the last day of term that she had to stay at the Burrow with everyone else for Christmas due to Order reasons, and while she's glad, she's completely miserable here. She's surrounded by good people, which makes the guilt in her stomach even more stagnant than it was before. As a result, she's in her room most of the time, except during meals or every now and then when Ron or Ginny drags her from the room and forces her to join their Quidditch games in the snow with Harry and the twins.

Harry hasn't spoken to her since they overheard Snape and Draco. She knows it's due to him trying to fully process what was said, whilst also trying to convince Hermione, Ron and everyone else that Jude is the Lestrange that Snape mentioned, and jumping to the conclusion that Thea is a horrible, good-for-nothing liar who quite frankly deserves what's coming to her, because she's –

A loud knock on her door startles her out of the depths of her mind.

"Who is it?" she calls from her seat on the floor.

"Harry."

Her shoulders tense a little. She's so nervous that her stomach knots itself over and over, and her throat closes up.

"Come in."

The door clicks softly before it shuts again. Harry moves so that he's standing before her.

She looks down.

"Why are you sat on the floor?"

Thea stops biting her nail and looks up at him to see he's got two mugs of tea in his hand. She stands up, takes the steaming drink and notices he's grown quite a lot; the top of her head comes just above his shoulder, so that it would tuck perfectly into his neck if she were to hug him.

"Because it's comfortable?" she trails off, a smile breaking out on her face that she can't stop. She's missed him...

"No it's not," he chuckles softly for a moment, before his eyes fill with something she can't recognise. "Thea..."

"I know what you're going to say, Harry."

"What do you honestly think about Draco?"

"Harry –"

"Thea, I'm serious – you heard him and Snape. You know him well. You know what the Death Eaters are like. Please, I'm just begging you to be honest with me."

She feels her head ache, in a way that tells her that she's about to cry. There's a lump in her throat and her eyes fill with stinging tears as she looks at Harry.

"Harry, I care about him. He saved my life this summer, I can't just abandon him."

His face goes blank, as though he's even more confused than he was before he spoke to her. The weight in her stomach returns.

"But Thea, if he's a Death Eater..."

"I'm...I'm sorry, Harry."

Thea feels her throat tighten, and her eyes start to sting.

"I can't leave this alone, Thea. I'm scared you're going to get hurt again, and...it infuriates me that you still want anything to do with them after what they did to you! Draco and Jude still lied to you, all year!"

Thea closes her eyes and clenches her fists when the first tear falls, and for a moment she's speechless.

"This is not easy for me Harry. You're forgetting that the side we're on is down to who our parents are a lot of the time –"

"It's not, it's about being willing to fight for what's right!"

"Exactly, which is why I don't understand why you aren't more considerate of my situation! I'm quite obviously willing to fight for what's right! What more can I do to prove that?" she fires back, a wave of foreign anger sending shoots that feel like fire down her arms.

"You can stop hiding things from me to protect the people who would let you die to save their own skin, Thea!"

She falls quiet, and her mouth drops open. What he's saying doesn't sound right to her, but she has nothing to say back. Her lips freeze around words that aren't there, and all she can do is stare at the extremely confused and frustrated boy in front of her.

After a moment, he breaks the silence again.

"You know, Dumbledore told me about your father. About how he tried to save my parents. About how he can see your father in you. And I see it too, I trust you, Thea, but I just...I can't be close to you if you're close to them. It feels worse than you could imagine seeing you like this but, there's something Snape said that I can't shake. Snape told Draco not to fall for your...act... like Lestrange did. And after what you've just said, it makes sense now...how was Jude born into this mess when I've never heard of a Death Eater named Strenegal before?"

Thea stays silent. Her heart is doing overtime in getting the oxygen around her body, because now it feels like there isn't enough left in the room that's slowly closing in on her...

"When Snape said Lestrange, he didn't mean Bellatrix, he meant Jude didn't he? Jude is her son. Which you must've known."

"I – "

"How long have you known, Thea?"

"Harry –"

"How long?" his voice has turned sharp, with an edge that seems to cut into her. She know's it's a front; his eyes are glassy.

"It doesn't make any difference –"

"It makes all the difference, actually! If you had nothing to hide, why didn't you tell me, why didn't you tell the Order?"

Thea bitterly thinks that Dumbledore never told him either, but she swallows her pride. She has to be honest with him. It still doesn't change that Thea hid this from him, and he found out in the worst possible way.

"Because, Harry, I care about him, and I don't want him to die!"

"It's not like he cared about you being tortured by them all summer!"

"I owe it to him, I would've been six feet under if it wasn't for him. He did care, he did what he could...I'm sorry, I just don't want anyone else to die!"

"Thea, it is different. You clearly have feelings for him, you kissed him for god's sake!"

Thea sighs.

"I care about him, yes. But I can't feel that way about him. If I ever did...I don't anymore."

"What are you saying?" Harry's voice is quiet.

Their faces are close, closer than they've ever been. She takes his hand, and she can feel him squeeze hers almost desperately, like he's trying to keep her from slipping away. The warmth from his hands flow through her whole body and in her head, at least, everything that was a blur is now clear, so clear in fact that she wonders how she took so long to realise it.

Thea frowns.

"Isn't it obvious?"

Her voice is a low whisper, and somehow they're a little closer.

She starts to lose herself in this moment and their closeness, until it's broken by Harry's voice and a cold that she realises is him pulling away from her.

"No. It isn't."

Harry turns away and makes to leave, but she can't let him, not without saying it. Not without telling the truth.

"Harry, I'm saying that I like you so much I could explode!"

He freezes, just a foot before the door, but he doesn't turn to look at her.

"Is it obvious now?"

Her voice is still quiet, and she's not actually sure he heard her question, but whether he did or not, she feels as though something fails within her when he walks away, slamming the door behind him so loudly that it echoes in the silence that swallows her whole.

The sobs that wrack her body when she slips back onto the now horribly uncomfortable floor don't drown out the shouting match in her head. She realises that I don't want you to perish is slowly become I care about you so much that if you perished I would too, but I like you so much I could explode is so loud that it exhausts her into a dreamless, deep sleep.

✦

Thea doesn't come down from her room that she's been sharing with Ginny until later in the day on Christmas, when Mrs Weasley calls her down for lunch.

Thea knows she'll get her fair share of nasty looks, since Harry's bound to have told most people in the house about what Snape and Draco said, and most likely of their argument confirming Jude's parentage.

The stairs underneath her sway at this thought, and her head starts to ache to the point that she feels like crying, but she hardens her face like her mother taught her to and joins everyone else in the dining room, taking a seat between Fleur and Ron, and opposite Harry, to her luck.

"Good evening Thea, I hope you're feeling better." Mrs Weasley gives her a smile that she returns, but the awkwardness in the air is stagnant and heavy.

She steals a small look at Harry, who's pushing his potatoes around on his plate, his face sour and lacking in appetite, just like her.

Sighing, she opens her mouth. "Thanks Mrs Weasley for preparing everything and letting me stay...and Merry Christmas to everyone."

All she earns is a handful of raised eyebrows and strange looks, until Mrs Weasley lets out a cry of "Cheers!", followed by everyone else raising their mugs of mulled wine and mumbling the same.

Thea wants the ground to swallow her up.

After a few moments of tucking in, the atmosphere seems to relax, as it fills with rings of chuckles and happy shouting. Although she feels terribly out of place, she forces the voice in her mind away and turns to Ron.

"Are we OK?"

He looks at her, a little confused.

"Why wouldn't we be?"

"Well, Harry's told you we fell out, hasn't he? And why we fell out?"

Ron shoves a great mound of carrots into his mouth, chews and swallows before looking at her again.

"He told me you had a bit of a spit, but he didn't go much into it."

Thea nods slowly, and glances at Harry again. He looks a little brighter in his spirits, but rather serious as he chats away to Lupin beside him. Thea smiles to herself a little, before turning to Fleur and asking her about Beauxbatons and her family.

She wishes this time would last forever, and although it feels far away, she can't stop the darkness creeping in, at every corner she sees.

✦

In the last few days before they return to school, Thea finds herself a little more glued to Fleur than the others; her conversations with Harry and Ron have been fleeting, and she knows it's her fault due to well...avoiding them. But she's noticing their whispering has increased ever since the Minister for Magic showed up and whisked Harry away for an hour, for some reason, and the boys often appear to be stealing moments alone, so it's not like she's had any chance to join them anyway. She knows when she isn't wanted.

She's not sure she's happy when the day to return to Hogwarts arrives. She thanks Mrs Weasley profusely, and then joins Harry, Ron, and Ginny by the fireplace in the kitchen, where they'll get back to the castle via the Floo Network.

As soon as they all arrive in McGonagall's office, who says no more than "Good evening,", the four make their way out, Thea deciding that they didn't want to talk to her at the Burrow, so why would they want to now? before stalking ahead, a little anger boiling in her blood.

The term starts to fly past her in a blur of homework, snow and books. Thea doesn't talk much, and she hasn't so much as seen Dean or anyone else since she got back to school. She tries not to think about Harry and Ron giving her the cold shoulder, or the fact that there are cold, empty spots in her memory; there are days she doesn't recall, and there are pages of work missing in her books and parchment. She keeps quiet about it, as she doesn't want to bother her professors or anyone else; although, as the days go on, the thought that this is simply an excuse so as not to talk to anyone occurs more and more often...

✦

A SIGH ESCAPES Jude's parted lips as he turns his head to her desk, ten minutes into their Transfiguration lesson.

Empty.

What is wrong with her? She hardly ever misses classes, yet this is the sixth one this week, and it's only Tuesday. He finds himself fill with a strange irritation that, despite Potter's deep care for Thea, he hasn't done so much as bat an eyelid at the girl's absence, that he's seen anyway.

Once the bell rings, Jude collects his belongings, then careers out of the classroom, for once swallowing his pride and shouting after the duo he is less than fond of.

"Potter!"

Neither of them turn around. Jude huffs, before picking up the pace after them.

"Granger!"

Finally, Hermione Granger turns around, her face filled with shock. Her features turn stony, as Harry turns around, wearing a similar expression to Hermione.

"What do you want?" Harry says smoothly, the superiority in his voice forcing Jude to clench his fists in an attempt to stay composed.

He's taller than Harry. He's cleverer than Harry. He could easily take on Perfect Potter, if he had to. He thinks.

"Have you seen Thea? She's missed like, six lessons already."

"Oh, you've not spoken to her, have you?"

It's painful preventing himself from rolling his eyes.

"No." Jude says shortly, his impatience growing. Why can't he just answer the question?

"Oh...well, no, I actually haven't seen her for a while. I'll...get back to you," Harry says swiftly, before taking Hermione's arm and turning her around, as they disappear into the sea of students around them.

Jude shakes his head, finding insufferable prick playing on his mind at the thought of Harry, as he takes himself off to lunch.

✦

ALL THAT SURROUNDS her is a swelling void.

All that she's aware of is that she's completely paralysed.

Her chest expands with nothing but flames, and she wants to cry out, or scream, because this is the most helpless she's ever felt in her seventeen years alive, but her mouth is heavy and her lips feel like they've been sealed together.

This continues for what could either have been an hour or a decade, until soft, but panicked voices cut through her skull, and she feels arms scoop under her. She wants to ask who, but she can't; all she can do is lay trapped in her hell of a body, and allow whatever's happening, whether it be good or bad.

Gradually, slowly, she feels herself being released from herself. Her fingers gain a twitch. Her toes move. She clenches her jaw. Her shoulders roll uncomfortably against what feels like a rough mattress. She feels something cool against her forehead, and the newest sensation is eyes staring at her. After however long, she starts to hear voices filter in, and then light spills onto her eyelids, and the blackness around her turns into a sunny red. It takes a mammoth effort, but she opens them, to be faced with Madame Pomfrey, who's mixing something in a pestle and mortar.

She clears her raw throat, and croaks out, "What happened?"

The woman before her starts, then looks at her in great relief.

"You're awake, thank goodness." The nurse places the concoction in her hands onto the bedside table and hands Thea a glass of water, which the girl gulps down with extreme enthusiasm. The room around her appears all the more clear.

"Miss Cindercroft, we're not sure what happened to you. Around ten days ago, Mr Potter and Mr Weasley brought you in, cold but hot, shivering and sweating, and completely out of touch with everything around you. We're... Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall believe it is best for you to be taken to St –"

"I will not be going to St Mungo's," Thea says firmly, interrupting the woman. "There's a war going on, that I'm a big player in, mind you, like everyone I love. I'm not going there to sit around feeling sorry for myself while everyone else fights."

The nurse sighs. "We thought you might say that. And since you're seventeen now, we can't make any decision for you. But Healers from there will be coming to have a look at you, that is final!"

The nurse bustles away into her office, leaving Thea alone.

Turns out that I'm supposed to give in and give up like a coward, she thinks. But I still won't.

I can't.

✦

Thea stirs at the sound of hushed voices at the entrance.

"Just let me in! I need to see her!"

"Keep your voice down, young man, Miss Cindercroft is asleep."

"I really need to talk to her," the boy's voice is raw with desperation.

"You can come tomorrow at lunch time, now get to bed, it is past midnight. End of discussion."

Thea shuffles out of the bed, the hair on her legs standing on end when her bare feet make contact with the freezing floor. She stands up fully, and walks slowly over to the door, and speaks quietly.

"Let him in."

The nurse turns to her in shock, and goes to argue.

"Please."

Madame Pomfrey sighs, places her hands on her hips, mutters, "Just this once," then shuffles back into her office.

"What's wrong, Draco?"

The pair make their way back over to Thea's bed and sit down next to each other, an understanding silence falling between them. She looks at him, to see him staring at the ceiling, his eyes only just glassy in the dim glow casted by the single candle on her bedside table.

"I wanted to see if you were OK."

There's a pause before he looks at her, and something in her chest breaks a little at the sight of his bloodshot eyes and his sickly complexion.

She doesn't answer.

"I know it was you, Draco. With the necklace."

The boy seems even more silent. He doesn't try to defend himself. He simply sits even more still than he was before.

"Draco, you need to be careful –"

"You sound like Snape."

Thea shakes her head, dropping her voice to a whisper, fully aware that Madame Pomfrey is still only a few feet away.

"Draco. This is serious. You're already causing collateral damage – I can't imagine how Katie must feel, and her family," she pauses for a moment while the nausea of that day comes back in full force, and the ghosts of the shivers she felt trickle down her exposed arms.

"This is too much." she says finally, her voice more gentle as she looks at him, trying not to see him as an injured bird trapped in a cage, and more like a teenager who never asked for any of this shit.

A little – a lot – like her.

"There's nothing anyone can do. I can do it, Thea, I'll be fine." he says, his voice tired.

"When did you last look in a mirror, Draco? You look dead." she snaps back.

"Thank you so much for your vote of confidence," Draco rolls his eyes, but she doesn't miss the crack in his voice.

"I'm just saying you need to take care of yourself," she retorts, laying her head on his shoulder in a way of sharing whatever warmth he has left, to comfort them both.

Draco falls quiet. He doesn't move away from her, just leans his head on top of hers, which tells her he's just as exhausted as her.

"Promise me you'll be OK?" she whispers, so quietly that if they weren't touching he wouldn't hear it.

It feels like forever before he answers, his voice cracking on every syllable, like he can't refuse the tears anymore but he's still trying, he's still trying to stay strong, even in front of her. That's when she fully realises just how much this boy has been chipped away and broken down just to become a soldier he doesn't want to be.

He breathes out slowly, as though he's delaying answering.

"I don't make promises I can't keep."

She has nothing to say. They both force a smile when he gets up to leave, and it looks so out of place on a boy so sad that she feels her eyes well up with tears, that she only lets fall when the door of the hospital wing drifts shut and she is alone again.

✦

After about a week of check-ups, being prodded, examined and poked by St. Mungo's Healers, she's finally dismissed back to lessons.

She's given a note from Madame Pomfrey as she dresses in uniform at lunch to attend the last few lessons of the day, which instructs her to go and see Professor McGonagall. She thanks Madame Pomfrey and smiles at the woman before slipping out of the hospital wing, glad to see that the corridors are mainly empty, due to most people being in the Great Hall.

Once she reaches McGonagall's office, she knocks and enters once she's told to, to see the Professor marking papers.

"Good afternoon, Cindercroft, take a biscuit," the woman says, finishing a sentence before placing her quill down.

"Is everything OK?" Thea asks, leaning forward to pick up a shortbread.

"Yes, actually. I just wanted to make sure you are definitely feeling better and you are up to returning to classes?"

Thea smiles. "I'm looking forward to getting back to whatever normality can be achieved, Professor."

McGonagall nods. "Good. There's another thing, which you won't like, but it is absolutely not up for discussion and is down to medical purposes."

Thea frowns. "What?"

"The staff from St. Mungo's have said that it's not safe for you to take part in the Apparation sessions that will begin soon. When your classmates are taking part, you will be..." McGonagall grimaces slightly, "...being checked on in the hospital wing."

"You're joking?" Thea demands, dropping her shortbread on the floor.

"I'm absolutely not joking, Cindercroft, and I also have no say in the matter! This is what will be happening, in a way to protect your health. You can't do everything," McGonagall says firmly. "You may go to lunch," she says, before turning back to grading essays.

"But – "

"Have a nice day, Cindercroft, and shut the door on your way out."

Thea huffs angrily, before standing up, brushing away the crumbs in her lap and storming out, then proceeding to slam the door loudly on her way out.

She hates feeling sorry for herself, but life's making it very difficult for her at the moment. It's not her fault that she's got a psycho mother, a curse with a life of its own, boy troubles, exams...well, she thinks. I might just start saying 'I've got a lot on my plate' and be done with it.