Author's note
So we've all heard of the alignment chart, right? Well... This isn't it.

Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure how to categorise the hermits into an alignment chart... But I know for sure that only like... Ten percent of them are definitely lawful (to anyone who also can't maths, that's about 2.4 hermits). And that's a generous estimate.

But what I can categorise them into is the... Functionality chart...? LGBTQ+ functionality chart...? I'm not sure about the name of the official chart, but time for the headcannons to come out-

None of these are concrete-canon/ totally serious. This is just for fun, because strange things give me strange vibes and I felt like vibing :3!

Oh, and just in time to say: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY : D!!

———
Ok, so here's the list of hermits in alphabetical order:

BDubs
Cub
Doc
Etho
False
Grian
Hypno
Impulse
Iskall
Jevin
Joe
Keralis
Mumbo
Ren
Scar
Stress
Tango
TFC
Beef
Wels
XB
Xisuma
Zed
Cleo

(No, this did not take me longer than it should've because I still don't know the alphabet without singing the alphabet song)

Aaaand here's the chart I made:

Yes, I added extra rows. Yes, the bi/pan is for 'attracted to more than one gender', but putting just 'multiple' sounded like I was ordering a variety of none-pizza-with-left-beefs.

No, I don't know how to edit, so I'm going to write randomness and talk words instead. Write words and talk randomness. Works both ways.

... Depending on how funny I'm going to pretend to be, this might have to be split into two parts. We all know AC most likely won't.

(Edit: I am a certified clairvoyant confirmed. Though I don't need to be to see our future together ;3).

But hey, let's go : D!

BDubs: Not Straight Disaster
Starting off strong, I see!

'Wait, but what does ''not straight' even mean? It's not even on the table!'- uhhhh yes it is?

See? And it means what it means, shush-

BDubs is a great guy. Also, a disaster. Very flusterable, big angy pouty energy, his pride may get wounded several times in this paragraph... Almost like he was built to be a disastrous tsundere... We just need the anime eyes and- oh wait-

But yes. BDubs isn't sure about who he's attracted to specifically. But there's something about what happens to him when around guys he likes that means he cannot consider himself a 'straight'. That's what his friends say anyway.

Cub: Gay Distinguished
Ah yes! Dad is very distinguished indeed! ... Spoiler alert, but he's also the only gay distinguished on this list. It's not weird, it's capitalism- sorry, no, it's not capitalism, it's hax.

Efficiency is key when it comes to Cub, though while romance wasn't the first thing that came to mind, he can certainly hold his own when time calls for it. Or at least behave better than the majority of the hermits. Which means he's equal to everyone else, but some hermits are just more equal than others.

Cub found out he liked guys pretty easily. Or not. He won't say, and he's very good at pretending... I mean, he somehow learned how to sit on a chair properly, which is astounding in and of itself.

Doc: Not Straight Respectable
I debated putting Doc as 'gay distinguished' as well because he looks great in a tux, but then I remembered that this is the same guy who started like two wars over some sort of expensive thing.

No, the 'respectable' does not come from the fact that he's started two wars over expensive(ish) things. It comes from the fact that he would, and did, which means he's not quite distinguished. Doc can definitely clean up (in more ways than one!) though, so he's more than just functional too.

I feel like Doc wouldn't really care about what specific sexuality he was, or just never bothered to find out. He's not straight, and that's all he's gonna say.

Etho: Bi Respectable
Do I need to explain this? ... Actually, yes I do...

Ninjas have big bi energy. Have you seen them fight with their enemy, or have fun with their possible romantic partner (I'm talking about the times where these two things aren't the same)? Seen them sparks? Yeah, that might just be from someone committing arson in the background, but either is very understandable!

Etho's definitely 'respectable' too. There's no way he's just functional (have you seen how smooth this man is? Obviously not, he's a ninja: you're not supposed to see him), but he's definitely way too Etho to be distinguished.

I do also like the idea of Etho being demiromantic as well- he isn't someone who'd just fall for you instantly, but he might after you've already formed a close emotional connection. Cupid said 'love at first sight' and Etho said '(-enderpearl zooming noise-)'.

False: Not Straight Distinguished
Oh look, another rare 'distinguished'! Yeah, I think there's only three on the server, but that's just above 10%, so... WHOO!

False is loyal, talented at what she does and determined. She could pass as a valiant knight, but I'd say her personality rings more legendary adventurer; she's not just respectable, she's distinguished!

With False, I'm torn between the two ideas of aro/ace or lesbian False. On one hand, why have men when you could have swords? On the other hand, why have swords when you could have girls wielding swords? Either way, False is fine with it not being necessary to display romantic love 'as someone at her age', whether she'd eventually want a romantic relationship or not.

While whether she chooses to or not is up to debate, she'll still be your ally in shining Pride! Also, you know how some soldiers would strap a Bible to their chests for extra protection? We have Pride flags. Just think about those two points.

Grian: Pan Disaster
There's no way I'm letting this gremlin be anything above a disaster. I refuse with every inch of my being. Which may not be a lot of inches, but neither is Grian and therefore I'm perfectly entitled to say that.

While Grian might be able to pass for a 'feasible' if you didn't know him, we do know him. Attraction is primal, courting is secondary, and Grian doesn't function enough to get past the first step. He doesn't know the Devil's Tango. He only knows the Tek, Tango Tek.

I do also like the idea of Grian being gay, mostly because the idea of him flying around with rainbow-coloured pride wings makes me really habbi. Then again, I don't see Grian having a preference over gender attraction...

Also: Grian in a revolving door of attraction. If every way is attractive, what will he do? Running in the 90s intensifies.

Hypno: Bi Functional
All bi myself. That has nothing to do with Hypno, but it makes me laugh.

Hypno definitely has his smooth and not-so-smooth moments. For some reason, he always sounds like he's default smirking as well; he's not over functional though, because I see him as a guy who might look like a hotshot, but very much is not.

Also because I think his reaction to flirting would be awkward finger guns. And he kinda looks like a pirate. And pirates don't care about judging what gender you want to express yourself in; they just care if you're the angry sea spirit of Long John Silver coming to backstab them for the fifth time in a row.

Curse you, Long John Silver! You have the coolest design. Why your attitude gotta be so ratty? Must be the positioning of the moon and Saturn, sad.

Impulse: Pan Respectable
The mother hen of Team ZIT! Sometimes, he defenestrates caution, and when that happens the hermits are overcome with some sort of celestial emotion (see: big panic).

Impy's a simple guy. He's warm and sweet and very family/ home orientated. Yet there are some times where he would totally join in on the disaster-making, and it wouldn't end well at all, and that's why he's not distinguished. Doesn't make him any less cool though!

Again, this guy's unbelievably habbi and warm. He could give his heart to anyone, as long as they're genuine. No one talks about Mompulse enough and that's a crime; he teaches the other pans and bis how to behave normally, and no one can convince me otherwise. Though I might accept bribes on Saturdays.

Impy's also polyarmourous. Polyarmous. Poly. Armour. Ous. (-Insert aggressive Google searching noises-) POLYAMOROUS. AC can definitely spell. She spells as well as Impulse is monogamous. Extra note, Impulse likes his flags; he thinks they're cool.

Iskall: Pan Feasible
Ooo, Iskall! Man- he's Iskall t(w)oo- no, I have no regrets or braincells left after that pun-

Speaking of which, Iskall's just about able to maintain their braincells so they don't immediately resort to 'oh no they're soft panic panic panic'. The 'just about' is important: while he isn't a disaster, he's disastrous too often for him to be anything more than feasible.

He's pan because yes.

Also because I personally see Iskall as a demiboy: he/they pronouns. Possibly because I like the idea, possibly because my fine demigender folk are awesome (no, that's a 'definitely'. Y'all are definitely awesome!), possibly because

- Second reason- cool demifolk they super duper cool beans
- Third reason, AC, don't forget to put a third reason to balance stuff out smh if you do I'm gonna flip lol don't forget lil dude

Jevin: Gay Functional
So who remembers 'poke da Jevin'? Because I sure do and I've been wondering if we booped something onto Jevin, would it stick? Is this 'will it slime' v.2.0?

But anyway imagine Jevin with a mini pride (or male gay pride) flag stuck to his cheek. And he's got this chilled out look, hands in his pockets, but you can tell from his eyes that's he's really habbi. He's in the middle when it comes to the function-side of the (named) scale: not too distinguished, not too disastrous. He's coming in functional, and ain't nothing wrong with that!

After being giving sentience and emotion and all that rich-people-can-afford-this-schmuck, Jevin figures out what genders and sexualities are, thinks to himself 'hey boiz are pretty cute' and he's just 'oh I guess I'm gay then'. That's it, that's the whole story.

Ah, adding onto that, Jevin found out about relationships, decided he had more than one hand for a reason and 'oh I guess I'm also poly then'. Now, I know y'all are wondering how the long-distance thing works, so I'll tell you know: that person visits.

Joe: Straight Respectable
He's the dad who's so gosh darn proud of all his strange, straightn't children that he's raised- some of the coming outs were a surprise but they just make him prouder of his children because they had the confidence and felt comfortable enough to come out and-

I got excited sorry- but yes! Joe is a big ol' ally. Bigger than Inazawa Grand Bowl in Japan. He isn't even Japanese; Joe was born and bred in Nashville, Tennessee and the tens he sees are his friends. While he's just a smidge too eccentric to be distinguished, he's definitely respectable!

He wasn't ever actively searching for a queen, but he won't hesitate to return her crown if -and only if- he feels it would be right. The exception is all the queens on Hermitcraft, of course. They always get their crowns back.

I like the idea of demi (this time, demi as in to do with love and relationships etc.) Joe too. He has magic armour that renders him immune to the burn of Cupid's bow, but not if Cupid poisons the arrow and shoots him with 'slow-burn' instead.

Keralis: Not Straight Respectable
Oh, my sweet, my dear, my darling! Don't you worry your pretty little face about anything, all shall become clear!

Keralis. Rivalled only by Etho in the confident-but-so-very-questionable-and-also-slightly-eccentric-but-real-smooth department (to be clear, TFC doesn't count because he is, in fact, an actual cryptic). The same thing with Etho and Joe applies to Keralis: he's a bit too eccentric to be distinguished. There is no such thing as shame when it comes to Keralis either, so that's why he's respectable.

Now... Look into my eyes and only my eyes... And tell me where I see straight. I'm just kidding, but not really, Keralis isn't straight. He's attracted to several genders, and has a preference for men, but he's too extraterrestrial to be confined to your puny sexuality labels, so he doesn't use them. He transcends them.

Mumbo: Bi Disaster
I do not need to explain this. But I will for the sake of wanting to ramble.

... I don't even know where to begin. Uh, disaster, yes. Mumbo is absolutely a disaster, but he's a special case in which he can behave as well as a respectable could, but it's because he's so oblivious to *le feelings* that he somehow he takes them in stride. Way too well. It's like being friendzoned to a rickroll- you're super confused until a full five seconds later.

Bi vibes. Out of the roof. The roof has a hole in it because of Mumbo. Also, he's very awkward, very sweet, endearing in a kooky way and that's also very good. Just... Epitome of Bi Disaster.

Ren: Pan Disaster
If you cute, then you cute. Y'know, I wrote this with all three of my stolen brain cells; I know, really impressive for someone at my level of stoopidity. How dare you assume I have reached peak dumbbutt, I will psychically fite you from six feet away, either because of social distancing or because one of us is dead.

Can he flirt? Yes, he can flirt! Can he handle being flirted with! Absolutely no-ot! Ren's a sweetheart. Your average charming lover boy whom you met working in a Coffee Shop AU and stole from said AU because he was too pure to resist. This can only end in disasters. And Ren's all-vague-plural amount of them.

That being said, he's very open with who he's attracted to. Because it's everyone. He'll be too busy falling in love with the little tiny things that you do and are to think about if gender changes his attraction to your charms (which it doesn't).

Scar: Pan Catastrophe
... Papa? Wait, just give me a sec...

Aaaaand there! Catastrophe. Y'know how we've already established BDubs, Grian and Ren are natural disasters (and Iskall's on thin freaking ice)? Well, Scar's on a whole new level. He's completely inept at any sort of romancing or holding his own during romancing. He's what Mumbo might've been if Mumbo wasn't so oblivious. He's the epitome of adorable embarrassment. We love him.

Everyone can fluster him if they try hard enough. Everyone can fluster him if they don't try (because apparently giving love to people who say they don't love you runs in the family. I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING-). Either way, Papa has a biiig heart and he'll open it up if you ask nicely enough!

Stress: Pan Functional
Mom Stress! Stress Momster! Strom! Right, no, that's just me trying to write 'storm' with autocorrect on, never mind-

None of the Mom hermits are below functional, and for good reason. It's like... One of the things on the list: must be at least functional (another thing on the list is 'are allowed to deck you and laugh about it', if y'all were curious). Stress is a silly sweetheart, and she honestly could be respectable, if not for the fact that she's a little bit more susceptible to joining in with crazy silliness. Ahem, Iskall's fault/ Stress-walked-so-Impulse-could-run.

As for romantic attraction, Stress will love you all. She says she doesn't have favourites, but she secretly in fact does, and it's [DATA EXPUNGED]. Either way, if you're willing to put up with the goofy plonkers she calls her family (you'll never see your family more than hers~), then she'll appreciate the effort.

Tango: Not Straight Disaster
Tango's occasionally on a mission of 'how much can I make my ancestors roll in their graves' and it's working. Wait. Can you even get graves in the Nether...?

'Courting? Is that what lawyers do?', Tango jokes, slowly melting into a puddle of panic even though humour was supposed to help him function without melting into a puddle of panic (by the way, the answer is yes, but only if your initials are 'P.W.' or 'M.E.'). He's good at acting like he's at least functional, or even respectable, unless you know him. Luckily for the hermits and unfortunately for Tango, they do know him. Lucky disaster.

The not-straight thing is because Tango wasn't taught about ~The Feelings~, and they're difficult to understand, and he's still learning. He's not as straight as he thought though- he's unfortunately very sure of that.

He also decided that, instead of [SPOILER], he also wanted to go out to pursue his own relationships in his own time. Some of those people would inevitably steal his heart. Tango wasn't prepared for it to happen more than once. But being poly sounds cool, so he guesses it isn't all that bad!

TFC: Straight Distinguished
This is the guy people compare to fairytales, and they're totally convinced he's actually a living fairytale, and he totally is but he decides to keep them in the dark for fun.

TFC would make a better Didney prince than all of the other Didney princes and you can't change my mind. For one, he doesn't try to get married with you after one (1) hour. Which might be setting the bar very low, but then again, how many Didney princes actually pass that bar? Everyone hail to the distinguished king (this is February, thIS IS FEBRUARY-).

Grandad has already found himself. Or as much as he has, and will, and won't. He's perhaps not as 'colourful' as his server mates and family, but he's just habbi he gets to watch their blazing colours travel the path of self-discovery. He's really good with advice.

Beef: Bi Functional
Ah yes, Beef, whom y'all are not ready to know what I initially envisioned him as (before any real context of character).

Beef is functional. His functional balances out the disaster that is BDubs, and the respectable Doc and Etho. He's a big softie who doesn't look soft at first and definitely can be a force to be reckoned with; his chaotic side is brought out by chaotic/ not-as-functional people, which happens to be the majority of the server.

I was going to make a bovine-bi joke, but now I'm having an existential crisis of how cows are bi. Either way, Beef is the dude who does a mock-up version of the Fitness Gram Pacer Test when asked which way he swings.

Wels: Not Straight Feasible
Wels was cooler than Hels for literal years. But that also means Hels was hotter than Wels for a long time too, so I'm not sure what to think now. Hm... Flowers!

Knights are chivalrous. Collected. Confident. Wels can also be described in three c's: comically cruddy courter. He swears to defend you to his dying breath, but will not be able to remain stoic in the presence of kittens. Or not blush when hearing horrendously cheesy flirts. Then again, who can? If you can, I'd love to hear some of your techniques over dinner tomorrow ;3!

Wels didn't quite know what 'gay' meant for a large (Large. Large. Large.) portion of his life. He didn't really know that straight wasn't the only thing you could be either. But he likes the idea of love just being love, and he's very habbi knowing about the acceptance in his server!

He finds himself defending and protecting more than one person who's enraptured him. Wels quite likes the habbi feelings from this too, and has recently learned that that would mean he'd be okie with entering fully consensual and loving relationships (with more than one person).

XB: Not Straight Catastrophe
When I was. A young b- in all seriousness, are shroomlights a plant organ or a fruit? Are they dispersed like spores? Can they be carved and eaten? If you shake a glass full of the goop, would it glow like a glow-stick?

I can tell you that XB doesn't know. He also doesn't know how to respond to big love. Or many not even to little love. He's a little shy, an absolute catastrophe and a little confused, but his heart's in the right place and that's all that matters. Even if it does end up being catastrophic. Catastrophes are just hugely klutzy disasters (and disasters are just very excited accidents).

Perhaps the 'catastrophe' part has an effect on the 'not straight' part. XB is unsure. But that's okie. Everyone's quite nice, and that's quite nice to experience.

Xisuma: Pan Functional
This will make a jab I am (or. Well. PsychA is) totally gonna say further down the line make a bunch more sense.

But hey! It's admin mom! And he's... Barely functional! Flusterable, yes, yet dignified enough to not seem so to the general public; X is a mystery, but only if you don't know him! And those that do know him know this dignified admin is also their beloved derpy admin mom. Like a double-edged longsword, which is every longsword because longswords are double-edged.

Speaking of longswords, wielding one is as straight as X gets. He will absolutely use it as a pointer to point at which gender he's attracted to though. By creating a perpetual spin-the-longsword (knife-sleepover games are criminally underrated) on the floor. It hurts less than smashing your ankle by missing a jump and accidentally smashing your scooter into soon-to-be-jello-ankle, don't worry.

Zed: Gay Catastrophe
Zedaph: thé proud owner of the title of more-enchanting-than-the-enchanting-block-slash-ore.

So you'd think he'd be at least respectable, right? Wrong, he's a catastrophe. Actually, it did take a bit of consideration to decide whether Zed was disastrous enough to be a catastrophe, especially since he does have some grip on charm, but... Ultimately, it was his chaotic nature combined with his flusterable factor that gained him his catastrophic title.

The secret extra part of Zed's prophecy, which was destined to become true, was a single statement of 'also, you're into guuuuuys'. Camera zooms in on a very confused young Zed, screen freezes, to be continued meme starts to play.

The secret secret extra extra part of Zed's prophecy was 'and we really mean guys with an 's' on the eeeeeeend'. Zed didn't understand until some time later, when understanding hit him like the Nether's bedrock hit the ceiling.

Cleo: Bi Respectable
One half of Team Chaotic Neutral downs sufficient amounts of hydration like others down fermented fruit-pop on Sundays, apparently. The other half is Cleo.

Cleo is a bombshell of sarcasm, snarky humour and overall amazingness. That lands her very comfortable upon the respectable tag, which she's reluctant to leave. Why should she anyway? No reason at all. Besides, someone's got to make sure the others cause as much chaos as possible without getting too heavily involved herself.

BI QUEEN. AND SHE KNOWS IT. That is all, now you say 'understandable, have a good day'. Can you tell Cleo and Mumbo were the reason this entire trainwreck idea snuck into my head?

... OH RIGHT WE'RE DONE-

———

Author's note

Here's the completed list!:
BDubs: Pan Disaster
Cub: Gay Distinguished
Doc: Not Straight Respectable
Etho: Bi Respectable
False: Not Straight Distinguished
Grian: Pan Disaster
Hypno: Bi Functional
Impulse: Pan Respectable
Iskall: Pan Feasible
Jevin: Gay Functional
Joe: Straight Respectable
Keralis: Gay Respectable
Mumbo: Bi Disaster
Ren: Pan Disaster
Scar: Pan Catastrophe
Stress: Pan Functional
Tango: Not Straight Disaster
TFC: Straight Distinguished
Beef: Bi Functional
Wels: Not Straight Feasible
XB: Not Straight Catastrophe
Xisuma: Pan Functional
Zed: Gay Catastrophe
Cleo: Bi Respectable

... (This was really less of a chart and more of a headcannon dump, huh? I do also have the headcannons for Hels, EXy, a few OCs and the ACs from every AU, but do y'all wanna hear those ,:3?)

... Oh, hey, you made it to the end of this chapter : D!

You get HINTZ:

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