Author's notes
... Aw geez sorry guys, I think I got caught up hanging out with Death. They're very fun to talk to UwU!! Lots of love being sent to them, always ; D

But hey! Now I'm here...

GUYS!! YOU KNOW WHAT SEASON IT IS?!

MERRY CHRISTMAS : D!!

And what's more romantic than incorrect quotes UwU?

... Is it nearly Halloween?? I am confuzzled. Oh well- LET'S GO!

———

Etho: Now that's good delivery service.

Grian: Why is he in the middle of a river??

Keralis: Two types of people in this world.

BDubs: Ha, water.

Keralis: *Three.

BDubs: I- what-

Keralis: We had to create a whole other category for your ridiculousness.

———

Mumbo: I've been ignoring chain mail for years, and haven't been killed! What a ripoff!

Wels: ... Wait, what armour are you wearing?

———

TFC: Knowledge I'd like to imbue upon the younger generations: anything the government says is propaganda, and 99% of vegetables taste better when roasted.

Zed: You spelled 'boiled' wrong.

TFC: Anything the government says is boiled.

———

Zloy: ... Destwoyed thwe toastwer...

Pixl: I'm so sorry that happened. But this is so funny. What did you do?

Zloy: ... Put fwish fwingwers in it... It went on fwire...

Pixl: ... YOU ABSOLUTE MUPPET. WHAT CAME OVER YOU?!

Zloy: HUNGY!

———

Biffa: Hello, I'm Biffa, you write about dead people.

Tango: Hello, you must be Biffa, you make people dead.

———

XB: If I didn't break the rules, how would you ever think of new ones?

Xisuma: (-opens mouth to retort, pauses, and closes mouth-)

———

Mumbo: (-drops a cup of juice-) Uh oh, I gotta clean that up... (-attempts to clean up said juice, before pouring another glass-)

Mumbo: (-slips on juice and spills more juice-)

———

BDubs: (-nearly falls-) Boy, I am slipping.

Scar: IN FINESSE- (-slides into room, immediately falls-)

———

(This isn't even thé Shifted édition-)

PsychA: Imagine liking boys.

Shifted!EX: Imagine liking girls!

Shifted!Xisuma: WOW, THANKS GUYS.

———

Impulse: If you step on a person's foot, they too open their mouths just like trash cans.

———

Gem: I used to think steam engines wore top hats, and smoke came out the top.

Gem: Of course, this would apply to houses too.

Gem: And British Victorian gentlemen.

———

Joe: I can't do that. If I did, I'd be a disappointment to society.

Cleo: Yeah, you would.

———

Jevin: Your man don't got the mental strength to caramelise onions.

Beef: Your man thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelise onions.

Etho: Wh- What kind of person is caramelising onions? Have you sociopaths forgotten apples exist?

Jevin: ... D.... Do you think 'caramelising' means to put caramel on something...

———

Doc: Guys. It's that time again.

BDubs: ... What time?

Doc: Pick-up-your-shorter-friend-to-cheer-them-up-time.

Xisuma: (-slung over Doc's shoulder, sorta embarrassed-) Do I get a say in this?

Doc: Absolutely not.

———

Hypno: Every time you speak, I die a little inside.

Jevin: And every time we kiss, I swear I could fly.

———

Cub: Quote something you remember from Alexander Hamilton.

Doc: There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English Language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a car.

False: ... I'm poor but hot and now I'm marrying your daughter. Now my son's dead. Now I'm dead. Anyways-

Ren: I have the honour to be your obedient servant-

Iskall: A. Ham.

———

(-A quiz question about Enderians comes on-)

Zed: FINALLY! I can contribute something of worth to this world!

———

BDubs: Can I ask a question?

Scar: I don't know, can you?

BDubs: You shall perish at midnight.

———

Wels: Where is the sky?

Beef: ... You... You mean like... The actual sky-sky, or?

Wels: Yeah, like... The big blue thing...

Beef: ...

———

Cub: As much as I do love a good wet moon joke, I discover an urge to remind you all that the water they found on the moon was frozen. Still very cool! But not liquid.

Ren: (-puts away bendy straw and takes out fork and knife-)

Stress: (-pulls out blow dryer and bendy straw-)

Iskall: Geths my tongue sthuhck to the moon.

———

BDubs: Keralis. You know you mean the world to me, right?

Keralis: I do. And you mean the world to me, sweet face!

BDubs: ... So can you-

Keralis: I'm not putting you down.

BDubs: (-in Keralis' arms, looking away-) KerALIS-

———

Pearl: I'm like Prince Charming on a horse! He had a horse, didn't he?

———

Tango: Red, yellow, pink and green (and maybe blue, but I don't know).

Impulse: Ok we've established that you know primary colours.

———

Keralis: ... Is... Is Etho alright...?

Beef: (-way too smug while carrying Etho bridal style-) Currently, Etho.exe is at a loss for words.

Etho: (-currently, Etho.exe is at a loss for words-)

———

Doc: My dream is to be instantly vaporised in Disneyland, so they can't move my body off the premises and pronounce me dead offsite.

Grian: Even better: bring your own team of doctors and paramedics to announce you dead on the spot so they're forced to deal with it.

Doc: I love the image of me striding into Disneyland all smug with a confused team of doctors.

———

Wels: ... I'd like to imagine that guiding, kindred spirits of the deceased are here with us now.

Mumbo: ... Oh, would they be sitting in Grian's empty seat over there?

Xisuma: (-chokes-)

Mumbo: ... Uh, Xisuma-

Xisuma: That was cold-

Mumbo: ... What?

Xisuma: ... Are you saying that almighty deities are a privation of Grian?

———

Zed: We should make wine glasses out of sugar, pour wine-coloured juice in them, drink it then start crunching the glasses.

Cleo: Sounds horrific. I'm in.

———

Etho: I am a bi mail.

Etho: I was sent from the depths of the Nether.

Etho: I want to do return to sender :(

Doc: Etho, for the last time, get off the fireplace.

Etho: IF I'M GOING DOWN, I'M DRAGGING ALL OF YOU DOWN WITH ME.

———

Hypno: New couple trope: one person has cold hands, the other had warm hands. Together they maintain the perfect temperature for handholding.

Cub: Relationship goals: thermodynamic equilibrium.

Ren: So, which of you is the source and which is the sink?

———

Zed: They're having a bbromance, with two b's.

Xisuma: ... A what?

Zed: A romance (with a bb, or child).

———

Scar: What do boxes breathe?

Jevin: Boxygen.

XB: Cardboard diboxide.

Jevin: I stand corrected.

———

Etho: Just made a gore may dinner! Bank America.

Etho: Bone asphyxiation.

Etho: Osteoporosis.

———

EX: I've got a list of quotes from all the supply teachers we've ever had.

EX: It's only got one quote, but still.

EX: It's 'let's de-ice the board'.

———

Joe: I could be as old as time itself. My knowledge extends the boundaries of human limitation.

Cleo: Wow. Ok. So you do use cream?

———

(-Grian attempting to carry Mumbo-)

Mumbo: ... Iskall, how much did you bet him?

Iskall: (-currently carrying Ren-) Ten diamonds he couldn't pick you up.

Ren: Hm. Then I guess you're earning te-

(-Grian somehow managing to pick Mumbo up for a few seconds, before falling over and making all of them fall-)

———

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconios
is: a word so long that it needed two lines.

———

Hypno: Eggs are dairy! The white part of the egg is made of milk.

———

Tango: Isn't it weird how so many months start with J? January, June, July, Jaugust, Japril...

Keralis: One of these things is not like the others.

BDubs: One?

———

Ren: What would you do if it stopped? (-shows picture of a heartbeat-)

Doc: ... I'd be dead? What do you expect me to do, a backflip?

———

TFC: Look, why don't you first calm down, before-

Zed: Dodgeball is an identity, TFC!

———

Stress: Sooo, how'd it go?

Iskall: How'd what go?

Stress: That important interview you had today?

Iskall: That's tomorrow.

Stress: No, you wrote it down for '9AM today'.

Stress: ... Iskall?

Stress: Hello?

Stress: Iskall, are you still there?

———

Grian: I think I make a big difference to the world.

Mumbo: (-looking Grian up and down-)

Grian: ... Don't you dare.

Iskall: No, don't worry! What he lacks in height, he makes up with his big ego.

(-Cue montage of Grian trying to kill Iskall, while Mumbo watches-)

———

Zed: Every time someone tells me they have more than one set of pronouns, I keep subconsciously combining them.

Zed: Hey. Shey. Sher.

Zed: Itsh.

Zed: Hit. Heim.

Zed: Theee.

Zed: Shehethy.

———

Cleo: I have an enemy list.

Jevin: Ooo, am I first?

Cleo: Yes, but I could always move you higher.

Jevin: ... How d-

Cleo: ZERO-TH PLACE.

———

Pearl: There's a better way to say this, but I'm going to call it satirical at best.

———

Cub: So I think we win this round. As you can see, I'm carrying Scar, who's carrying one Jellie, and therefore I'm carrying two members of the Hermitcraft server at once.

Scar: (-being carried while holding Jellie-) He has a point.

Tango: Yeah, but I'm carrying one hermit and attached to another.

Zed: (-posing while being carried-) I feel like a queen.

Impulse: (-being pulled along-) Tango, I don't think this counts-

———

Joe: Imagine an immortal who has a gigantic room in their home filled wall to wall with photos.

Joe: Each photograph is of a different loved one they've outlived.

Cleo: Aw. Now I'm sad. Why would you do that?

Joe: I lack basic human emotions.

———

XB: I no longer have iotas of respect. Ffffor other people, 'cus I'm still awesome.

———

Beef: I don't like how they changed the shape of the Xbox...

BDubs: ... But it's still a box?

———

Cleo: TALL WOMAN.

Stress: TALL WOMAN.

Cleo: TALL WOMAN.

———

Mumbo: Please help I dared someone to try and punch me but accidentally sneezed and they punched the wall and now I think their hand is broken-

Grian: Wow, you are not to be sneezed at.

———

Cub: So you need to sneak around, so the ghosts don't hear you.

Scar: No, no, you gotta stride in confidently, like... Elon Musk! No ghost would kill Elon Musk!

Doc: That's because all the alive people would.

———

Zed:

Impulse:

Tango:

Iskall: So I see you three have unlocked telepathy then.

———

Biffa: Right when you kill a man, you have to kill them two times or else they-

———

Mumbo: Good morning and good Tuesday to everyone except the person who broke into my base last night and hid dark-grey stained glass in all of my chests. If you're them, then have a bad morning.

Iskall: Wait, that sounds oddly specific. Is there a story there?

Mumbo: Yeah, some numpty broke into my base last night and hid dark-grey stained glass in all of my chests.

Grian: Mumbo, you have to tell us that story, I need context.

Mumbo: Well you see, some nitwit broke into my base last night.

Stress: What happens next?

Mumbo: You wouldn't believe it but they hid dark-grey stained glass in all of my chests.

———

Hypno: And I was just saying, that it didn't make any- oh my gosh there's a magpie on my roof would you like to see it.

Jevin: Uh, yeah! Yeah!

Hypno: Look- LOOK IT'S THERE- NO IT FLEW AWAY-

Jevin: Oh I saw that!

Hypno: You did?

Jevin: Yeah I saw a bit of it before it flew-

Hypno: YES!

———

Zed: I might be stupid and gay.

Tango: But?

Zed: Oh yes, thank you Tango. I also have a great butt.

———

Etho: (-gently headbutts Beef in the shoulder to show affection-)

Beef: (-absentmindedly pats Etho's entire face to acknowledge affection received-)

———

Stress: Who's munching?

Stress: ... Who's munching the-

False: Donna meat?

Stress: I CAN SEE THEM FROM MY ELEVATOR!

———

Ren: I've come up with a new chess strategy called the 'lover's gambit', where you throw all the pieces to the floor and start kissing your opponent on the table.

———

Xisuma: 'Vous parlez à un ami de la Suisse'. So that means...?

Joe: 'Suisse' is Switzerland.

Scar: But they can't understand French if they're from Sweden!

———

Random person: So while I might've killed a few of those medieval village folk, it was during a time of war. So technically, I didn't do anything wrong.

Python: (-with his sword on the person's neck-) Guilty. Straight to the Nether you go.

Random person: What?! Why?!

Python: For violating follow-these-rules-to-not-be-killed-by-Python rule 99.

Random person: Which is?

Python: 'Never even think of hurting the loved ones, associates, or any other people of importance to Python's ex, or Python's ex himself'.

Random guy: (-now dying-) Rats.

———

XB: There are so many things wrong with you.

Keralis: I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING-

XB: UGH.

———

Joe: I think our steads are powered by similar sources.

Stress: I think so too?

False: (-with Stress on her shoulders, carrying a shulker full of resources-) What makes you say that?

Cleo: (-carrying Joe with one arm, holding her sword with the other-) Not sure. Maybe it's an American thing.

———

Keralis: Oh no! Can you believe it? There's only one bed! I guess we have to sleep together and cuddle!

BDubs: But there's other beds right-

Keralis: Sweetface. We :). Have to :). Sleep together. And cuddle :).

BDubs: (-blushing-) ... Alright.

———

Keralis: Bubbles is such a strange fellow. I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.

Tango: You don't have to. We have enough beds?

Keralis: No. I'm gonna.

———

Scar: Whatever you're thinking, stop it.

Cub: What? Why?

Scar: Whenever you make that face, you're either thinking of something stupid, something that'll annoy me, or both, so-

Cub: I love you.

Scar: ... Oh. I love you t-

Cub: Also cereal counts as a soup.

Scar: (-sigh-) I knew it.

———

Impulse: The bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in the Nether, and yet here you are, limbo dancing with a demon.

———

EX: The punks called. They want their clothes back. (-throws Hels' shirt at him-)

Hels: (-catches it-) I'd assume they were asking for you, judging by your poor attitude, but I don't think you're brave enough to face all the spikes.

———

Hypno: If you catch my drift?

Jevin: If you can catch these hands, AY~ wow I'm so cool, that was so cool-

———

Gem: Ok Pearl- sorry, watch the antlers!

Pearl: Ok ok ok ok this is good this is- no no, the antlers are good! I can use the antlers to keep balance!

Gem: Ok we got this! We got this!

(-Gem proceeds to happily carry Pearl around on her shoulders-)

———

Stress: Isn't a flute in the brass family? I swear it's made of metal...

———

XB: (-loud sniff-)

XB: Why does it smell like pineapple.

———

Etho: Hey guys, so, is it chill if I start calling mint a fruit?

BDubs: WHAT NOOOOO WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Etho: Aww, my cute lil fruit!

BDubs: NOOOOO IT'S A LEAF YOU PUT THAT ON RAVIOLI-

Beef: WHAT WHY ARE YOU PUTTING MINT ON RAVIOLI?!

BDubs: (-insert picture of ravioli with some herbs and seasoning on top-)

Doc: BASIL.

Beef: PARSLEY. PARSLEY. PARS-LEY.

BDubs: ... STOP SAYING PARSLEY I DON'T PUT FREAKING PARSLEY ON MY RAVIOLI?!

Etho: What's parsley?

———

Ren: I've accidentally started using 'he/ him' as a derogatory pronoun. I don't know how to feel about this.

———

Iskall: What's my pH?

False: Basic.

Iskall: I was so excited to find out what pH I counted as that I didn't even realise I was setting myself up, until too late.

———

Mumbo: VIBE CHECK.

Mumbo: (-explodes a cow-)

———

Cub: I can't do that, it's against my moral compass!

AC: Your moral compass is a Russian-roulette wheel.

Cub: So there are some good parts?

AC: Not if you're using Fortuna's Glock.

———

Hels: Careful. You could hurt yourself.

EX: (-moves fingers further away-) I hurt myself whenever I talk to you. My sanity has never suffered quite so much.

———

Mumbo: Oh, would you look at the time! It's time for my last-minute panic!

(-Five seconds later-)

Mumbo, outside, at 4am: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE.

———

Pearl: Look, Grian stole my moss, but I didn't break his nose!

———

Xisuma: Fun fact: blueberries are the only fruit named after a colour!

Iskall: Star fruit?

Xisuma: So close!! That is a shape!

Ren: Guys, you forgot blueberries...

Xisuma: ...

False: And blackberries!

Cub: Black isn't a colour.

Mumbo: What about raspberries?

Doc: Green bean!

BDubs: Lemons!

Scar: Blue raspberries!

Impulse: That's not even a real fruit?

Zed: Wait, aren't berries not fruit?

Stress: Oranges?!

Joe: Try again: the colour orange is named after the fruit.

XB: Oranges!

Grian: Grape! 'Gra' from 'gray'!

TFC: Peaches and ruby grapefruits.

TFC: You must be fun at parties.

———

Cleo: Bond with your houseplants by watering them with the bottle you just drank from.

Stress: Indirect kiss.

———

Beef: Oh my gosh... Etho, are you alright?!

Etho: Ugh... Yeah... But just between you and me, I don't actually like this robe they put me in...

Beef: ... That is a hospital gown.

———

AC: ... Does this mean I'm technically the girlboss of this family?

———

Ren: Galactic bread.

Ren: Bread of the galaxy.

———

Cub: And they actually hunted the American buffalo to extinction.

Scar: ... What no? If buffalos are extinct, how do they make buffalo wings then?

———

Tango: I can do maths super fast!

Gem: Ok, what's 56 x 798?

Tango: 300.

Gem: That's not even close.

Tango: But it was fast!

———

AC: There's too much discrimination in this world. In particular, the discrimination against minorities is abhorrent.

AC: Therefore, I propose the solution: discriminate against everyone.

AC: Take some random guy off the street. What do you hate about him? Maybe it's his hat. Maybe it's his hair. Maybe it's his lack of hair under his hat.

AC: Hate literally everyone. Fight some random person off the streets. Start a war.

AC: If everyone is equal, let them be equally discriminated. To love thy neighbour, we must hate thy neighbour.

AC: Show unity in destroying your enemies, of which is everyone, at all times.

AC: Don't be a minority: discriminate against everyone today.

———

(Author's note: The sequel to 'are centaurs insects because they have six limbs')

Jevin: Reminder that along with six limbs, centaurs have two spines, two ribcages, two sets of organs in the thorax, four shoulders and are omnivores.

Wels: ... Cross'd the thoughts, the centaur, mighty he; thou hath scorned.

Biffa: ... Th. The four shoulders of the horsemen.

———

Mumbo: I hate children.

———

(-One day, EX is very sleep-deprived, caffeine-drunk and handed a bunch of pictures of the hermits. He is told by an unknown person to 'be incredibly snarky '.

This is what he writes, and about who-)

Xisuma: Since my last report, this hermit has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

Scar: His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Joe: I would not allow this hermit to speak.

Zed: This associate is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definitely-won't-be.

Mumbo: He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

Stress: This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

Wels: This hermit should go far- and the sooner the better.

Tango: This hermit is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Jevin: He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

———

Pearl: So this thing between Grian and Mumbo. It's supposed to be a secret?

Impulse: Oh no, the only people who don't know Grian and Mumbo have a thing, are Grian and Mumbo.

———

Serial killer: (-chasing Joe-) Wherever you go, I won't be far to follow~!

Joe: (-running away-) Ohhh, I'm gonna love you sooo, you'll learn wHAT I ALREADY KNOW-

———

Wels: The inside of your head... Is like a game of pong.

Wels: One side is 'cryptic'; the other: 'chaos'.

Wels: The ball is 'your mood' and both sides are playing best of fifty.

———

Gem: Why are Keralis and BDubs sitting back to back?

Tango: They had a fight.

Gem: Then why are they holding hands?

Tango: Keralis gets sad when they fight.

———

Beef: Whoever can get Etho to sleep gets half a stack of diamonds.

Cub: (-holding up a frying pan-) Where is he.

———

Doc: You have to tell Iskall you like him some day, y'know. They're not going to-

Ren: Blocked and reported.

Doc: ... This is a verbal conversation.

———

Xisuma: Every time someone says something originated in Britain, I don't believe them.

Xisuma: Like, the British's culture is the stuff they've stolen from other people.

Xisuma: Anything that actually belongs to us is definitely not interesting.

Xisuma: That's how you judge if it actually comes from Britain or not: is it cool, because if it is, it's not British and the only reason you think it is is because the British stole it.

———

Scar: Cleo! Truth or dare?

Cleo: Truth!

Scar: I dare you to kill BDubs!

Cleo: Well, I'm not here to lose (-unsheathes suspiciously-readily-prepared sword-)

BDubs: SHE DIDN'T EVEN PICK DARE-

———

Jevin: Too many poor people?

Jevin: Just eat the children.

Jevin: Eatus foetus. Consume the child.

———

Cub: I just want to hear those three words.

Scar: I love you!

Cub: Sweet, but not what I mean.

Scar: I will behave...

Cub: Thank you!

———

Hypno: Take the first one! NO, thé after one!

BDubs: There's literally two-

Hypno: No there's only one.

———

Zed: The past tense of William Shakespeare: William Shookspeare.

Impulse: WouldIwas Shookspeared.

Tango: Leave.

Impulse: LEAVED. Nope, that one didn't work. It's left. That's right.

———

Stress: Oh, you've redeemed yourself!

Iskall: She never un-redeemed herself...

Stress: ... What's the opposite of 'redeemed'?

Iskall: ... She never un-redeemed-

———

Etho: Beef, I... I do have feelings for you...

Stress: (-gasp-)

Hypno: (-gasp-)

BDubs: WHO CALLED IT?! I CALLED IT! BOOM.

Mumbo: (-faints-)

BDubs: ...I called it.

———

False: New York is my favourite country.

———

Grian: So I thought 'no, Grian! Don't think! Act!'

Pearl: So you're telling me you weren't thinking?

Grian: Oh Devs, no. No. I cannot emphasise how much I was not thinking.

———

EX: You're doing it wrong- it's left first, not right, else you're wasting your time. I guess your large ego stunted the growth of your IQ.

Hels: (-does left first instead of right-) It's funny hearing that from you. You say you chose to be a man of few words, yet we both know it's because you failed third grade and never learned how thesauruses work.

———

Tango: What's it called when you kill someone on Halloween?

Gem: Trigger treat!

BDubs: That's homicide.

Keralis: Trigger treat.

———

XB: In this world.

XB: (-astral projects-)

———

Gem: What made you pick Cleo, anyway?

Joe: She's beautiful, in personality as much as appearance, allowing for true appreciation of her entire being and soul to be a... Quest, of which completion grants only deeper adoration.

Cleo: I can fit my hand in the Pringles can.

Joe: She can fit her hand in the Pringles can.

Cleo: To be fair, it did get stuck in the can once, and restitching was a pain.

———

Beef: WHY IS IT ALL FLOUR??

———

TFC: Was she ginger?

Impulse: ... Considering that she's related to me, probably not?

TFC: Well, genetics are strange.

Impulse: But... She is a snake...

TFC: (-eyes twinkling-) Then there you go.

———

Doc: Fun idea: hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing you have to fight whoever else is under it.

Biffa: Mistlefoe.

Keralis: SOMEONE'S HALLS ARE GETTING DECKED.

———

Ren: Ooo, look! Mistletoe! You know what that means?

Iskall: Don't be silly, Ren- that's not mistletoe.

(-Hours later-)

Iskall: Oh my Devs he was flirting with me.

———

Impulse: Did it hurt?

Tango: Did what hurt?

Impulse: When you broke through the Earth's crust ascending from the Nether.

———

(-In chat-)

Gem: TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DESECRATION!

Stress: TO BEFRIEND ALL PEOPLE WITHIN OUR NATION!

Cleo: TO DENOUNCE THE TRUST IN HOPE AND LOVE!

False: TO POINT OUR SWORDS TO THE STARS ABOVE!

Pearl: TO BUILD AND CHANGE LIKE THE RISING MOON!

Scar: BDubs slept and now it's noon :(

Stress: Scar! We were doin a fing :P

Scar: Oh no

Scar: Anyways

———

Joe: Cleo is like an oven.

Wels: Explain?

Joe: She roasts me.

———

AC: One day, when I get held against my will again, I'm going to start singing the Horrible Histories British Monarchs Song.

———

Cub: So when we squish to release the duhnah, we get suspended-sea-grass.

Doc: And that's got the GTA CATs, with S-hexagon and P.

Mumbo: And the H-bond?

Cub: They connect parts of the blue block. The ladder is fine.

Mumbo: Twisty?

Cub: Very.

Doc: Dumb duhnah.

Cub: But pro-team good. Pro-team pink.

Doc: Fair.

———

Zed: Don't you just love it when you accidentally create bonds you never knew you had with random mobs?

AC: Oh no, I did that part on purpose. The accident was me.

Zed: What?

AC: You share vague connections to the Ender Dragon.

Zed: AW MAN!

———

Pearl: This is such a bad idea.

Grian: (-leading the Boatem crew, with a bunch of end crystals and obsidian-) Then why are you coming along?

Pearl: Someone needs to come and talk X out of banning you when it all inevitably goes wrong.

———

Ren: (-to Iskall-) What can I say? I'm charming, and irresponsible.

Ren: I mean irresistible.

BDubs: (-from across the room-) No, you were right the first time.

———

Stress:

Stress: ...

Stress: (-leaping off of her bed in a panic-) SOMETHING'S WRONG.

———

Xisuma: What is EX to you?

Hels: The reason I wake up every morning.

Xisuma: That's... Surprisingly sweet.

Hels: (-gives a look-)

(-earlier that morning, with Hels still in bed-)

EX: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP-

———

Tango: Do it. I dare you.

Doc: ... (-Sighing exasperatedly, he plucks the trident out of the ceiling-)

(-Every other hermit freaking out and going 'OHHHHH'-)

———

Pixl: I think I'll have some chicken-

Zloy: MMMMM I LOVE UNFLAVOURED CHICKEN-

Pixl: IT'S NICE CHICKEN-

Zloy: IT TASTES LIKE B L A N D-

———

Mumbo: Oh come on, I wasn't that sleep-deprived!

Doc: You called X 'dad'.

Mumbo: ... Well, that... Has happened before... So?

Doc: Ah. I didn't explain fully. You asked if he was your dad and cried when he said he wasn't. I quote from you, 'I wish you were my dad; your sleep schedule is worse than mine so you won't tell me to go to bed early as a punishment'.

———

Cleo: Ren. Ren does. If- he- if he- do- Ren do-

Joe: ... Take your time.

Cleo: If. If Ren was a druid. And he took on a wolf form.

Joe: ... Yes?

Cleo: ... Would he just become slightly bigger than usual?

———

Impulse: You're going to give me grey hairs...

Zed: If you don't have any already, I'd say we aren't trying hard enough.

(-Zed and Tango proceed to fist-bump-high-five-)

———

Scar: Cub, stop this, please, I'm begging you!

Cub: No, Scar. Mama didn't raise a quitter. But she did raise a fool, and it turns out those two are a terrible combination.

———

XB: (-Bap

Bap

Bap

Bap

Bapbapbapbapbap-)

(-Light turns on-)

———

Ren: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

False: ...

False: I was so close to hitting you with my sword then. You don't even know.

Ren: Thank you for sparing my life then!

———

Etho: X, can you teach me how to play a trumpet?

Xisuma: ... Sure, but what brings this on?

Etho: I want to follow BDubs and Doc around and annoy them.

Xisuma: Technically, you don't need to know how to play a trumpet to do that.

Etho: X, you're a genius.

———

Stress: Happiness is when your children grow up to be good people.

Grian: I'm sorry you've never felt happiness.

Impulse: (-looks Grian up and down-) Poor Stress.

Grian: Guys, I-I was joking-

———

Keralis: You. You should have a good day!

Hypno: But what if I didn't do that?

———

Tango: Look, all I'm saying is that if you had a child-sized kid-

Wels: I'm sorry but did you just say 'child-sized kid'.

———

Ren: (-singing-) And I have walked five hundred miles, and I would walk-

Etho: (-also singing-) Two thousand and two~

———

EX: How do you know things will turn out ok?

Hels: Because you're leading us. I'd follow you anywhere.

EX: Dangerous thing to say.

Hels: I'm a dangerous man.

EX: That, I can believe.

———

XB: Live, laugh, love and also eat children to solve our country's crippling poverty.

———

Scar: Hey Cub? What's your kind of guy?

Cub: Kind, creative, clever, looks good in a top hat, always there for me...

Scar: Oh, if I ever find someone like that, I'll... Try and set you up!

Cub: Sorry, did I say clever? I meant dumb.

———

(Author's note: Someone commented this on Impulse's video and it was very funny ;3)

Pearl: My base is rotated the wrong way.

Impulse: Oh, I see that... But you're not going to tear own your entire base, right?

Pearl:

Impulse: ...

Impulse: You're not going to tear down your entire base, right?

———

Grian: I'm trying.

Gem: Your best?

Grian: Devs, I hope not.

Grian: But yeah, probably.

———

Cleo: If you're going to die, can I use your cadaver?

———

XB: I would take a bullet for garlic bread.

Xisuma: Who would shoot garlic bread?

———

Zed: You're British, you've got a scar on your face, you're exceptionally dense, but yet also quite clever.

Zed: You can do magic.

Zed: And I don't know if you've eaten treacle tart before, but it sounds like something you'd like because it's mostly sugar.

Zed: I know what you are.

EX: ... And that would be?

Zed: (-whispering-) You're a wizard, EX.

EX: ...

———

Cub: I woke up today and made fried chicken.

Cub: I don't know how I've managed this, because I looked over the recipe I used, and we had none of the ingredients.

Cub: So now I'm going to give this to someone else and hope they don't die.

———

Wels: I love this new strawberry flavoured shampoo.

Jevin: Flavoured?

Wels: Scented! I mean scented.

Wels: But yes, it does taste like strawberries too!

———

Joe: Some species of burrowing spider keep teeny tiny frogs in their nests in order to get rid of bugs too small for the spider to eat, which may in turn eat the spider's eggs.

Xisuma: ... How... Symbiotic... That is a... (-struggling-) Healthy relationship.

———

(-Both are skipping stones-)

Etho: It's such a beautiful evening.

Beef: (-whispering-) Take that you stupid lake.

Etho: ...

Beef: ... Uh... Etho, did you just freeze the lake?

———

Iskall: Welp, time for Plan I.

Grian: Technically, this would be Plan G....

Mumbo: How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a Plan M?

Iskall: Yes, but I die in Plan M.

Mumbo: I like Plan M.

———

Zed: Impulse, what's your type?!

Impulse: (-bleeding out-) ... Blond. Nice eyes. From different worlds. Could either predict or bring about my death within seconds.

Zed: AH- no! Wait! Your-Your blood type!

Impulse: Oh.

Impulse: Red.

———

EX: Your existence is confusing.

Xisuma: How so?

EX: Your presence is annoying, yet the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me.

———

(-Stress after confirming Impulse loves pink-)

Stress: So anyways, I just started painting-

———

Cleo: (-materialising-) I heard 'gay'.

———

Cub: Do you think 2107 words is too long for a 3 minute speech?

———

Iskall: (-sitting next to a miffed Stress-) Stress, I feel like you're disappointed in me. So I made a list of all the things I did yesterday and I will try not to do them again.

Stress: ...

Stress: (-smiling-) You're lucky I think you're funny.

Iskall: Aw, I know!

———

Doc: Two numbers that multiply to make 12?

BDubs: 11 and 2.

———

Tango: I'm not an aunt, because I don't have any nieces or nephews.

False: ... You're also not an aunt because you'd be an uncle.

———

XB: Is the hare and the tortoise in the enchanting table?

XB: I thought it was in the enchanting table...

———

Pearl: I had suspicions Mumbo was a vampire. To double check, I slid a copy of Dracula over to him one day.

Pearl: He autographed it and slid it back.

———

Grian: In these trying times, we need to appreciate the little things.

Iskall: I appreciate you Grian!

Grian: ...

Mumbo: What have you done.

Grian: (-screeching-)

———

Zed: ... What's that smell?

Tango: IT'S-THE-SMELL-OF-FRESHLY-MICROWAVED-FIRE.

———

Gem: (-bursts into the room in a panic-)

Keralis: What happened? Are you ok?

Gem: NOBODY DIED.

Keralis: ... What does that-

———

Zloy: Your silence is telling.

Pixl: Telling what? That I'm still considering the best word to tell you how dumb you are?

Zloy: Ok first of all-

———

XB: Weatherboy (derogatory).

Keralis: ... What does that mean?

XB: Wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy?

———

Etho: Your mom.

AC: (-visible confusion-)

———

Grian: Vampires can't enter a house without permission, but they can leave one. So therefore if we summoned in a vampire, that's basically like asking them to come, they exit through the front door and now forever can enter our house.

Mumbo: ... Firstly, it's 3AM-

———

False: Gem, how did you get arrested?

Gem: I don't know! Honest!

False: ... Why don't you tell me what happened?

Gem: This dude pulled me over and said 'papers', so I said 'scissors' and walked off!

———

Xisuma: The hermits annoyed me today so I told them I couldn't wait for what they'd planned for the special day tomorrow.

TFC: I don't recall there being anything special about tomorrow.

Xisuma: There isn't. What is special is watching the blood drain from their faces.

———

Zloy: What? Kidneys... Are... Like, important?

Pixlriffs: ... Yeah. They're. Organs.

Zloy: Whaaat? I thought you just had a bunch dotted around your body... Like, about sixteen of them, and stuff...

Pixlriffs: I'm both impressed and disbelieving that you're still alive.

Zloy: ...

Pixl: ...

Pixl: Don't you dare.

———

BDubs: (-running away from Gem-) I have never been so insulted by a woman with a tree!

Keralis: I have once.

———

Pearl: Are you sure you and Jevin aren't dating?

Wels: ... Well... If we are, I... I haven't been informed about it...

Pearl: If any of us were to start dating something unknowingly, I think it'd be you, Wels.

———

Impulse: (-focused, motivated, currently doing work-)

Zed: (-upside down on a chair-) Do you think stars have feelings?

Zed: (-sitting bolt upright-) DO I HAVE FEELINGS?

———

Cleo: I forgot straight people existed.

Joe: This is perfectly normal.

———

Doc: So are you saying that that guy was a sharp-shooting farter?

———

Zed: After extensive research, I can now confidently say that Tango is, in fact, tasty.

Impulse: Uh, do you mean handsome?

Zedaph: Under normal circumstances, yes, but they wouldn't agree.

Impulse: ... Who's 'they'-

(-Que Tango running past, screaming, being chased by ten baby zombies-)

———

Gem: (-takes one bowl of berries-)

Joe: You have to take two bowls of berries.

Gem: ... Ok.

Gem: (-splits the berries from one bowl into two bowls-)

———

Scar: Don't worry, I completely understand. I live on the streets too.

XB: You live in a giant industrial paradise.

Scar: Which overlooks some streets.

———

Iskall: Is... Is that blinking light a camera?

Etho: No, that's a fire alarm.

Iskall: NO! I'm not that stupid- I- no THAT one!

Mumbo: Maybe it's a second fire alarm.

———

Gem: That wasn't very cash money supermarket of you.

———

Beef: How do you lose a dog without legs?

BDubs: Two words: Sausage.

Beef: ... What?

BDubs: Roll.

Beef: ... NO-

———

Wels: Name a large country.

Stress: Africa.

———

Joe: So, I have a headcannon about this murder, and-

XB: Do you mean a theory?

Joe: Anyways, my headcannon is-

———

Tango: Ahhhhh noooo.

Etho: What's got you in a funk?

Tango: Feelings. In middle of work. Bad. Very bad. Crushes cute. Very cute... AAAAAAAAA.

Etho: Disgusting. Tell me more.

———

Wels: What's a 'lapwing'?

Cub: Hm. Take a guess!

False: Is it a butterfly?

Cub: No, it's a type of bird.

Zed: Can you KFC it?

Cub: ... Right, silent reading time.

———

Ren: Hey guys, here's my handy little guide for how to put 110% into PE even though you're already trying your best!

Ren: Step one: locate goal and/ or ball.

Ren: Step two: throw entire body at goal and/ or ball.

———

Iskall: Woah, that's a really nice sofa!

Mumbo: (-clenches singular fist and grits teeth-) It's a cOUch.

———

Hypno: My life is a very interesting story, actually, it's just that I'm terrible at telling it.

———

Scar: I was thinking about a dude who was cowboy from the waist up, but emo from the waist down, and then I realised that that's just Badtimes.

Cub: ... No, he's got the... (-finger snap, dramatic pose-) As well.

Scar: Ah, fair point...

———

Grian: Tango, seriously, under no circumstances go out and do the thing.

Tango: (-already out, doing the thing-) I definitely won't.

(-Goodtimewithscar has been slain by Tangotek using [Gimme your hat!]-)

———

Scar: Everything sounds sarcastic when you add ':)' to the end.

Pearl: Hope you're ok :)

Impulse: Yeah we can talk :)

Scar: Yes I put my sword in the enderchest :)

———

Impulse: Tango just offered me a kiss and an apple if I got him new gear.

Pearl: Oh wow. Who would accept that kind of offer?

Impulse: (-eating an apple-) I know, right?

Pearl: ...

Pearl: Wait.

———

False: Right, so we need to draw a 3x3 grid... How many squares would that be?

Zed: 6.

False: ...

Zed: ... I no longer exist on this plane of reality.

———

Jevin: Hypno, I strongly object.

Hypno: To what?! I just got here!

———

Zloy: Every time I think, I take 10 damage.

Pixl: And every time we kiss, I swear I could fly.

———

Iskall: Is London the biggest shire?

Mumbo: ... Are you insinuating that 'Londonshire' exists?

———

(-BDubs, once again being offended by that shelf-)

(-Doc, adjusting the 'stuff for tall people' sign attached to it and taking a book from said shelf-)

———

XB: I used to hear a simple song.

Cleo: That's because you're incredibly basic.

———

Mumbo: Don't tomatoes grow on trees?

TFC: ... No?

Mumbo: Then what do you call a tomato plant?

TFC: ... A tomato plant.

———

Hypno: Would you like to use nail clippers for your salad?

Xisuma: ... Sir, this is a Wendy's.

———

Joe: What if the hermits put on a play.

Cleo: There would be inordinate jokes.

———

Keralis: Bubbles, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're in love with me.

BDubs: I am?

BDubs: (-intense thinking-)

BDubs: ...

BDubs: Oh my Devs, I am.

Xisuma: What did I just witness?

———

Cub: Why are there little handprints all over my wall?

Scar: (-to AC-) Why are there little handprints all over Cub's wall?

AC: (-looks at hands-) ... Because I have little hands!

Scar: Because she has little hands.

———

Wels:

Impulse: WELS.

Wels: (-he looked around. He looked down. He was one of them-) Hello!

———

EX: (-pat-)

Hels: What is this?

EX: Affection.

Hels: Revolting.

EX: ...

Hels: ...

Hels: Do it again.

———

Tango: ... Is that. Good idea?

Tango: Yes. It's a really brilliant concept- props to the person who came up with it!

Tango: That. Good idea? We need! Idea?

Tango: ... Uh... Yes, but... Oh. No. No, stop.

Tango: We take. This! This good! Idea!

Tango: No, that's gonna take weeks, stop-

Tango: Good! Ours! Idea!

Tango: NO-

———

Gem: Obviously, it's the celebration of the Big Egg Man, and how he was crucified, which is why we have Egg Day.

———

Scar: Uh, I think you've spelt 'cupboard' wrong. Ha, what's a 'cup-board'?

Cub: ... Do you think 'cupboard' is spelled without a 'p'?

———

Pearl: You are not simply idiot, but you are TWO. YOU ARE TWO IDIOT, PUT TOGETHER LIKE RULER STUCK TO RULER WITH BIT OF SELLOTAPE.

———

Wels: So what if you have a heart disease?

False: Well you can't catch heart disease, can you.

———

EX: Why is it that all the good jewellery is cursed? Do you really expect millennials to be able to afford that?

EX: Like, no, a curse on the plastic diamond necklace in some kid's magical princess fairy Barbie dreamhouse castle (for kids) toy set or something.

Xisuma: Wouldn't cursing small children be bad?

EX: Nah, rule 15 of children: if you pretend there's nothing wrong with them, nothing will be wrong with them.

Xisuma: ... But that's not-

EX: It's not illegal if it's your kid.

———

Hels: What is your armour...?

Wels: ... I'm not wearing any.

Hels: You mock me by being unarmed?

Wels: No, I was about to sleep... To rest in armour? Surely, you jest.

Hels: ...

Wels: ... Hels, do you-

Hels: You insult me with your insinuations-

Wels: Is this why you have terrible posture-

———

Zloy: Centaurs have a head, a human 'thorax' and a horse 'abdomen'. Insects, by definition, have those three segments.

Zloy: Thus, I propose insects are arthropod centaurs.

Pixl: Following Diogenes, 'BEHOLD, A CENTAUR!'. (-throws an ant onto the ground-)

———

Mumbo: ... Why does it smell in here?

Grian: ... Ugh, yeah, it does... Who's been eating porridge in here?

Mumbo: What? Oh... Wait... Yeah, it does smell like porridge...

Stress: It does? ... Well, I mean... A bit?

Iskall: ... I smell onions.

Ren: Oh, I smell chicken pot noodles. So we've got porridge on the left, onions from the right, and chicken pot noodles at the front!

Scar: I don't smell anything.

Mumbo: Chicken pot- excuse me, what chicken pot noodles are you eating?!

Ren: Wh- I don't eat chicken pot noodles!

Grian: Then how do you know what they smell like?

Ren: You can smell something without actually tasting- without actually eating it? Yeah, you can smell food from a mile away!

Mumbo: Well it doesn't mean you were smelling chicken pot noodles! You could've been smelling porridge!

———

Impulse: What do you call a crazy person who composes music?

Impulse: Claire-de-looney.

———

Gem: (-struggles to blend fruit-)

Gem: (-removes lid and uses long spoon to try and push fruit around the side down-)

Gem: (-FIRECRACKER-BANG, FRUIT INSIDE EXPLODES OUT, METAL SCRAPING NOISES, PARALYSING FEAR-)

Gem: (-switches blender off and removes spoon-)

Gem: ... Does this count as exploding a blender?

Gem: I exploded the contents of a bender.

———

Zed: MOTHMAN.

Cleo: There's no need for a frown.

Zed: I said, MOTHMAN.

Cleo: Put that man on the ground!

Zed: He's so FRIGHTENED.

Cleo: So high up the in air.

Zed: Won't you-

Cleo: Please!

Zed: Put.

Cleo: Him.

Zed: Down.

Both: Gently?

———

Author's note
Hhhhh- I live-

I have ideas but no words. But I do have many incorrect quotes now :3?

... I love you guys XX?