Trigger Warning: DEPRESSION

Here is the new one shot and it deals with acute depression. So, read if only you are comfortable. I am aware of how dangerous this subject is but I am not here to preach and tell how things are and should be dealt with. The things depicted in the story are heavily influenced by my own experiences. Yes, I suffer from depression, been for years now and it is an everyday struggle. If you are going through it, please, seek help. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it. Consult with a therapist or a doctor. If you cannot afford it, simply talk to others who will listen without lecturing. If you do not have such people around you express your emotions through the things you like to do most, write, sing, draw, cook, create; pour your heart out. Don't suppress it; don't think you are doing it for the world. Do it for yourself. Breaking is not shameful but you have to remember to get up.

If your back hits the wall, just remember, your moving forward begins from then on.

It won't be a happy-go-lucky kind of a story. I wrote it within three hours roughly, so, it is not a refined one either. I had to let it out of my system.

A happy story is coming for you soon.😉

Hope you enjoy this one.

Songspiration- "One More Light" by Linkin Park.

I will recommend you to at least read the lyrics before reading.

POV- JingYu

Cover fanart- Somikse

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Before I Sleep

My eyes open slowly, just like when the time has come and you wake up from a deep slumber. Here the difference is I have not been sleeping.

Was just pretending.

That is what I have been doing lately.

Pretending.

To be happy. To be content. To be successful. To be alive.

But when the night is dark and silent, when I cannot see my own shadows, I let go of that mask. I stop pretending. The time has come again.

I slowly get up; so habituated with this routine that my body doesn't make a sound. I don't look back to the person sleeping beside me. Not that I don't want to but I can't. I know how he would look now; soft, vulnerable, unsuspecting about the on goings of the waking world, peaceful in an ignorant way. If I look at him I won't be able to take the steps towards where my consciousness is calling out to me.

So, I let him sleep.

I stand in front of the mirror. And what I see scares me.

I see a decayed man, frayed around the edges with hollow eyes, devoid of hope and positivity.

I try to smile. It doesn't happen. The lips stretch but the line is all crooked. The teeth bare out as if in agony. This is not a smile. This is not a face I am familiar with. This parasitic existence is not mine.

I claw at my own skin. Blunt nails leave behind sharp marks. My makeup artist will throw another tantrum. He had a hard time covering up the old scars.

So easy to hide behind the makeup and glitters and lights. The pricier the brand is the better at concealing our true faces. My strong, hard abs on a glossy magazine cover do not show the razor blade marks I left there after another episode.

ZhouZhou was not with me at that time, shooting somewhere. I thought I could get away with it, get away before he had time to reach me. He holds me back, you see. Doesn't want to let me go. Gets angry, gets upset, cries like a baby, scolds me like I am his baby.

I love him.

But also, I hold him back. Like a burden.

He is so bright; his halo hurts my eyes and I cannot look. People say I am lucky to have him. They are right, so right. And they never say the same thing about me. Never the other way round. They are right on that front too. Only ZhouZhou says he is the luckiest of all for having the chance to share his life with me. He is wrong. He is young and kind. And naive too. He doesn't know how heavy a burden I am to him. Like a stone tied to his leg, not letting him move forward.

I love him so much that I want to let him go. So that he can reach the sky.

They say I am strong; I am the stronger one. They don't know. They see my body and judge my soul. They don't know.

They don't know that my hands shake when I am nervous. They don't know I have social anxiety. They don't know I am on anti depressants for months now. They don't know I overdosed on sleeping pills because I wanted to get away.

They don't know I cut my skin when the pain becomes unbearable and I try to beat pain with more pain. It helps. Sometimes. And they demand of me to be stronger.

ZhouZhou knows and he never demands my strength. He just makes sure there is no sharp object near me that can cut, makes sure I take my medicines regularly, makes sure the pills are numbered, makes sure I am eating, makes sure I am not alone.

And makes sure that I know how much he loves me.

I know.

He is in love with a broken toy. But he cherishes and protects it like it is something valuable. He is a silly boy.

He is my biggest mistake because I can't leave without him.

He is my greatest treasure because.........because he is ZhouZhou.

I touch my face, rough and ugly. So weak. Disgusting.

My reflection mirrors me. I am annoyed. Why does it imitate me? I am not someone who should be followed. I am disgusting.

Follow ZhouZhou. He is amazing.

I am running on the strength he lends to me. But I don't want to live on borrowed life force. I will only end up sucking him dry. He will regret it then. I don't want him to regret me. I don't want him to regret our time together. But he will, if I stay, he will.

And I want to go before that happens.

When my flesh opens up under the sharpness of the blade it doesn't hurt. I drag in slow and long; I dig deeper. Warm red blooms in little globs. Red like ZhouZhou's lips. I want to kiss it but they won't taste like my love. I dig deeper so that the black tar that runs through my veins ooze out. Black like my existence.

So much pain. I can't bear it. I can't fake any more laughs. I can't hide behind makeups. I can't watch ZhouZhou looking at me with so much worry that it ages him. I can't breathe and I want to breathe. Breathe my last.

Who cares if one more light goes out?

And I am not even a spark. Nobody notices if a dark spot loses itself in more darkness.

Tonight my routine might be my last. The end can be just a few moments away. I grip the sink tight.

And think back to the last relapse I have had last week. The bandages are still around my arms, legs, torso. White, so white.

When ZhouZhou found me in the bathroom there was so much red. Was I in the bathtub? Or under the sink? Can't remember. Only two fear stricken, bulging eyes are all I remember. He said I had smiled at him sluggishly, not in my senses but I knew I was. I will always smile at him till the last sliver of sanity left in me. He once told me my smile made him happy. And I want to make him happy more than I want to let go.

Which is why I'm gripping the sink instead of something that can cut.

I don't want to see him scream in helpless fear, or cry as though one of his limbs was being cut from him. His hugs always have a healing quality to them; they soothe my soul. But that day when he almost broke the bathroom door and found me all bloodied and cut up, his hugs made me sad, so sad. They were full of fear. He was hugging me like he did not want to let me go. As though if I go he would break into pieces.

I don't want ZhouZhou in pieces; he is too precious to be broken. So, I try to glue my own pieces together. One by one, little by little. He deserves someone whole but if he foolishly wants something broken then I have to keep the pieces together.

They say love can heal. Can it?

Can ZhouZhou heal me?

But that's not his obligation. I cannot cling to him for my own selfish desire to be happy again. Once I am gone he will forget me after a time. Time is the best healer of all.

Who cares if one more light goes out?

My fingers waver. ZhouZhou is sleeping just on the other side of the door. I will be silent. I will be quiet. He won't know before the deed is done. I can drown in the tub. All cold and wet and fresh. They won't have to clean me after death. No more burden.

And ZhouZhou will come into the bathroom, see my cold dead body, he will shake me and curse me and yell at me and kiss my blue lips. And cry.

I can't stand his tears. He will have nightmares. After last week, he has had them thrice already. He cries in sleep, begs me not to do this. And I listen to him.

Can I grant his wish? Can a beggar be a giver? Life has become a hell for me. But will I be happy leaving him behind? Leaving for a place where there is no ZhouZhou? I won't wake up beside him and trace his outline in the soft glow of the dawn? Won't feel the touch of his skin on my body?

Am I selfish for wanting to live so that I can prolong my time with him? Or am I selfish for wanting to die because I can't bear this pain anymore?

My resolve is weakening. I am afraid to look in the mirror. I don't want to go but I must, I must...

Who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars?

Who cares? I am nothing but a showman, playing fancy tricks for the world which is throwing money and compliments and smiles and their selfish love at me without even asking what I want. They are not something I want. I, the real I, am not something they want. Then who cares?

"JingYu?"

I startle. ZhouZhou's voice is abrupt, hushed.

"JingYu! JingYu!"

His voice grows. He is panicked. I want to answer but I don't want to answer.

"Jing-"

He slams through the bathroom door and stops dead, face on the verge of crumbling.

We stare at each other, no word is spoken. I know what is going on inside his head. Nothing. He is feeling blank because he had expected to find something else and the contrast of the scene is making him blank. I know him too well.

I love him too much.

"Who cares if one more light goes out?" I ask and see when the freeze breaks and ZhouZhou tumbles toward me, hugging me.

He is scared. His hug tells me. I don't hug back. But I want to.

"Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are?" I ask again. ZhouZhou had sung this song to me many months ago........... Or was it last week?

It flickers, flickers.

He is running his hands over my face, my bandages, my body; checking if my pieces are all in place. Checking for any red stain. He won't find any. I need an answer first. Maybe then....

"Who-"

"I do..." he breathes the words and they ghost over the skin of my face. He is cupping my cheeks now.

"I do," he says again, louder this time. "I do," louder again. "I do," and stronger. "I do," and lovelier.

"I do."

The reminders pull the floor from your feet.

In the kitchen one more chair than you need...

The reminder that ZhouZhou does.

That ZhouZhou is.

That I am.

That we will be.

That........that one light might be someone's Sun. Maybe insignificant to the world, but for that someone the light brings a new beginning every single day.

I hug back. My body is shaking badly. He catches me, like always, and we drop to the floor.

"Z-ZhouZhou?" The name shakes and distorts while coming out of me, much like my slipping sanity.

"Jin?" His eyes are so sad yet lovely.

He says I am like a sad song but I think it is ZhouZhou.

"I- I cou-couldn't do it." I confess; that's what I do these days mostly. Confess to him, to my managers, to my doctors. To my mirrors.

"I know and you don't have to, don't ever have to do it," waters trickles down the corner of his eyes. I follow their path.

"An- and I c-can't, can't do it."

"You don't have to. Oh, Jin, you don't have to do it. We are in this together. You are not alone, not alone."

"I can't do this anymore!" My throat itches. Am I yelling? ZhouZhou's face wavers like something seen from underwater. "I can't bear it. Can't take it!"

"You don't have to do it alone. I'm- I'm with you. I'm right here with you, love. You are not alone." His voice shakes and his hands too. Is he mirroring me? Is he my reflection? But that can't be! He is perfect. I'm not.

"But I don't- I don't want to go, don't want to let go," I tell him because I am weak, I am broken and I need him to sew me up. Need his hugs. I am selfish. I need him.

I love him.

He gulps and tries to talk but can't. Is he disgusted to see how weak I am? Has he given up on me finally? Will he let me go now?

"Don't let go, don't. Jin, don't let go of my hand," he gulps again and I stare at him. He is crying. I hate his tears. Can I stop his pain? Can I take his pain away? "I can't go on without you." He hiccups, like a baby. He is scared. I hug him.

I hug him the way he has taught me to. He hugs me back.

He is shaking. Or maybe it is I.

"When it's too much, talk to me, tell me, share with me. Hit me if that can lessen your pain but-"

"No!" Even the thought of hitting him- I shudder and tremble. No! "I'm not a monster!" I state aloud because he should know. I'm not. I'm not.

His eyes are wide with shock. Is he shocked to know that I'm not a monster? Didn't he know?

"I didn't mean it like that! Jin, no, you are my light. You are my..." He hugs me again, pressing his face against my shoulder. There is a scar where his lips are and he kisses it again and again and again.

I know he didn't mean it. He loves me. I can still feel it.

He rocks my body back and forth and I let him. The floor is cold but he is warm. He has all the warmth I crave for. He is my Sun. So, I let him.

We stay quiet. I am drowsy again.

"If just the thought of hitting me unsettles you so much," his voice muffled against my skin. I shudder again. "-then how can you think of leaving me?"

Because I am a burden but I don't tell him that. I hate his tears.

"Have you forgotten," he looks at me, eyes flickering between my own, " that we are in this together? You jump, I jump."

I stare at him and slowly his face goes underwater again. My face is sticky with tears.

"I don't want to leave yet. I want to see through all the dreams we have seen together, the plans we have made." He says and wipes my face, my eyes and I can see him clearly again. I clutch at his arms. I want him to hug me.

"But if you want to leave I will leave with you. I don't want to dream alone nor do I want to share those dreams with anyone else."

"I want to dream again, with you. With you," I claw at his soft skin. I am scared. I don't know if I can do what he is asking me to do.

His warmth frames my face, "Will you live? Not for me only but for you also?"

"I don't know how to; I have forgotten."

"Then let me make you remember. Will you let me?"

What can I say? What should I do? If I agree I will never be able to leave. If I don't leave the pain will choke me. If the-

"If the pain is too much we can always bear it together."

And he answers it for me, once again. I don't know if it is the correct answer or not but it makes the middle of my chest feel warm.

Together. I can do it together. He will catch me when I fall and we will get up and walk again together. Maybe. Maybe there is another way.

Maybe the sharp object I am looking for is his eyes that cut through my wall and look into my soul, so that I don't have to pretend anymore.

Maybe he can cut me open and seep out the pain without tearing my flesh apart. He knows how to heal me.

He cares.

I am just one nameless star among the millions but I can shine for him.

"Okay," I say. I am so tired. I am so sleepy.

He kisses me on my forehead. I used to do that to him. My vision is underwater again.

I lift my face. He kisses my lips. I don't have to ask. He knows me too well. He loves me. I love him.

Too much to leave him behind.

I am weak and selfish and disgusting but he doesn't mind. He will heal me and we will dream together.

"Will you let me go with you to the doctor's?"

Because I have never let him before. I tense up. They will put me into a rehab. I know it.

"I want to stay with you; don't push me away."

He says and the battle is won. I am too sleepy to fight back. I don't want to fight back. I nod.

One more kiss. This time his hug is warm, like a Christmas bonfire. I am not cold anymore.

But there is a tug within me.

The siren song of Death. Tells me to take the step and be free. Calls me a coward for backing out.

I look at ZhouZhou helplessly.

"I do, I care. I love you."

The song goes out of tune, not so alluring anymore.

My head is on his chest, his fingers part my hair, nails rake my scalp. His smells shutting off the door that has tentacles with razor sharp blades and a promise to make me painless.

Promise. I have made a promise to ZhouZhou. He is like a kid; he will hold me onto my promise and will never forgive me if I break it.

Do I want to break it?

I want to be with ZhouZhou. I love him.

If it does not matter whether one more light goes out or not, why not keep burning the flame? Fighting is less of a struggle when I have an aim.

I may relapse again but I know ZhouZhou will always slam through the door. I will just have to grip the sink and hold on till then.

"The woods are lovely dark and deep..."

I rasp drowsily. One of my favourite poems.

"But I have promises to keep..."

His hugs heal me. He hugs me tighter.

"And miles to go before I sleep..."

ZhouZhou cares. ZhouZhou loves me. And I love him.

And I will try. I want to see another morning with him.

"And miles to go before I sleep..."

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The poem mentioned above is, "Stopping By The Woods On A Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost.

This is my first time writing in 1st person and also in present tense. If there are mistakes, I apologize.

Any thoughts?😶