Pro-Tip for Humans #69: don't stick your dick in crazy!

Brandi waited at the bottom of the stairs until she was sure I was following. Once I stepped into the stairwell, she smiled in as knowing a manner as possible, and slithered off into the darkness around the corner, inviting me to follow.

Remember what I said about cougars and MILFs getting mixed up in the minds of young and impressionable young men jerking off to their computer screens? Brandi was one of those women who caused a lot of that confusion.

I made my way down the stairs, my head buzzing with anticipation, dick rock hard in my pants and leading the way. I reached the landing and rounded the corner, almost colliding with the waiting Brandi, but managed to stop before bumping heads with her. That would have been disastrous. We were eye-to-eye, a breath apart and goddamn I could feel the heat coming off of her body. A sly smile came to her lips and she took a step closer, pushing her body against mine.

"You never came back," she murmured, lips red and so mesmerizing. For some reason, I noticed the sharp points of her incisors and wondered what she tasted like.

"Figured you'd find me," I lied with a casual shrug. I couldn't take my eyes off her lips and found myself leaning closer, the better to taste that alluring mouth.

"Did you?" she murmured with a raised eyebrow.

"Nah, I was lying," I admitted. "By the way, I'm Bob."

"Don't care," she breathed and grabbed my ass, pulling me in for the kiss.

Let me be clear: this kind of thing does not happen to me. In all of my twenty-nine years of life, the closest I had come to a one-night stand or any kind of scandalous sex was with this one girl I had a crush on who was leaving town the next day. We hooked-up after her going-away party and the next day she was gone. And that happened when I was twenty-two.

Like most men my age, I grew up with Hollywood telling me that I was supposed to be having sex at the age of fourteen and that other kids my age were out there doing it right now, while I was busy masturbating like an idiot. Yes, some of them actually were, but most of them were lying about it. The default answer when asked if you were a virgin, was supposed to be an affirmative "hell, no" and then a confident smirk as you made up some stupid story that everyone knew you were lying about. The truth is that I didn't even lose my virginity until I was 18, and even then it wasn't like I was getting laid every night. It took the relationship into this weird place where it became about finding the next opportunity to have sex again and that did not end well. The only thing that really changed was that I had the added confidence that women found sexy, and even then, I still wasn't having that sordid Hollywood-type sex. Having a beautiful, confident, and sexy older woman want me so openly and brazenly was completely out of my comfort range, but, you know what? I adapted. I knew all of the moves to this dance, so now I just had to make them work.

Brandi and I stumbled into the women's bathroom by some unspoken agreement, and I fumbled the lock closed while Brandi tore at my shirt, kissing me hard when my lock-groping brought me into kissing range —

The bathroom was one of those single occupancy deals, just a toilet bowl and a sink, identical to the men's bathroom, but for whatever reason, they had decided that the women's bathroom was going to look nicer than the men's. Someone had applied an art-deco style wallpaper to all of the walls, so there was this weird disconnect when Brandi pulled away from me, and I had a chance to notice.

Brandi pushed me away and raised her eyebrow as she dug into her purse. After a moment, she produced a vial of white powder and wiggled it invitingly.

"Wanna get fucked up?"

Brandi poured a line onto her thumb and forefinger, and snorted the heroin with a flourish. She poured another line and held her hand out for me to partake. I dived right in and hoovered that shit right up my nose, feeling that explosion of instant euphoria doubled with triumph had Claude hadn't been able to keep me away from the drugs after all.

Brandi hiked up her already short dress and peeled off her black lacy Victoria's Secret thong. She flicked them into the air with an easy motion of her foot, and I caught them absentmindedly, watching as she leaned forward against the sink and looked over her shoulder at me.

"Get over here and fuck me," she growled.

I didn't wait for a second invitation.

When you go to as many bars and nightclubs as I have, you sometimes hear people going at it hard in a diverse range of bathrooms. It's usually loud and short not to much of a bother to anyone, but it does tend to get annoying when all you want to do is pee and you can't because some horny idiots are fucking in the toliet. Never once did I imagine it would be me making the grunts that anyone outside the door would be forced to listen to for the next five minutes. I stopped thinking of anyone outside the room while I thrust hard and deep at Brandi's formidable and shapely ass, giving her everything I had. It was the first sex since Jaime, and I was determined to make it count.

Fuck you Jaime. Fuck you hard.

I held on to Brandi's hips, trying to keep to my dick from turning to the wrong angle on one of my thrusts, because damn that shit hurts. Brandi gasped and squealed with every thrust, clearly enjoying herself, at times going from grabbing the edge of the sink to beating at the walls. Finally, she pushed backward with her ass and tried to turn around so we could be face-to-face again. I paid attention to her signal, and stepped away, only for her to turn around, reaching for my cock. She lifted one leg into the air, leading me by the cock to slide into her and it was too much for me. I pushed her against the sink, one hand hooked around the back of the knee of the raised leg, the other hand grabbing her ass as I pounded deep into her. She kissed me fiercely, our tongues entangling as we fucked, her light-green eyes intent on my own brown ones, and there was that connection, where it was almost like we were reading each other's minds, our bodies matching perfectly, everything in sync. Her eyes dared me to take her, take all of her and I did. Her nails scraped on my shoulders, every moan from her lips in sync with my thrusts.

"I'm cumming!" I managed to gasp, but she didn't push me away, only pulled me closer, her nails digging into my back now, and then I exploded inside her, and she moaned--

Brandi bit down on my neck, and I yelped, caught in the moment, pain and pleasure mingling in a confusion of emotion and holy shit that hurt—

I pulled away from her, and all I could see was that her mouth was red with blood. My blood. Her hot pink tongue flicked out of her mouth, licking away the last vestiges of blood on her lips.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I spat.

She moved away from the sink, pulling down her skirt, and glowered at me. "I like to leave my mark," she said. "Figured a guy like you's gotta be cheating on his girlfriend, and now she knows you've been with me."

"But you fucking bit me!" I protested. "You didn't have to do that! Fuck! I don't even have a girlfriend!"

"I got caught up in the moment," Brandi admitted. "Just be glad you didn't cum in my mouth." She gnashed her teeth for effect, then wiped her mouth with the back of her hand before pulling open the door and looking back at me.

"Can you hand me my underwear?" Brandi asked.

I wadded the thong and pressed it against my fresh wound. Motherfucker! That hurt!

"I'm keeping these!" I snarled.

Brandi wrinkled her nose and stuck out her tongue. The door clicked shut, and I just stood there, pants around my ankles, erection slowly fading, my neck throbbing in pain, and wondered what the fuck I was going to do now. The door clicked open after a moment and Brandi poked her head back in.

"Hey... you wanna go again?" Brandi asked.

"No!"

So, yeah, that was how I ended up returning to the bar with Brandi's black lacy thong wadded up on my bleeding neck. I had soaked them in water and tried to wash the wound but eventually gave up. Fuck it. With some alcohol in me and some painkillers, I could tough it out.

Louise was waiting for me at the table, and it was almost like she sensed me before she saw me, her head rising and turning in my direction before her eyes followed. It was like I was invisible for a second, Louise looking right through me, but then her eyes focused on me and she realized just what the fuck she was seeing. Louise's mouth dropped open.

"What the fuck happened to you?" That was her first question, then a beat later: "Are those panties?"

"It's not that bad," I lied. "Stings a little, but then again it is a bite—"

"She bit you?" Louise's eyes blazed; she turned, scanning the room for the skanky bitch who had bitten me. "That is the height of rudeness!"

"It's just a bite," I tried to play it off, "how bad can it be?"

Louise turned her rage on me. "You utter and complete idiot! The human mouth is filthy!" She snatched the panties away to examine my neck, then with a grimace, turned me around so she could get a better look, talking all the while. "There are up to a thousand different strains of bacteria present in your mouth at a time. I once treated a patient for hepatitis B and C after he made the mistake of breaking his fist on some other idiot's teeth. He also had to get a tetanus shot right in the stomach and believe me, those are never fun." A sharp pain shot through my shoulder as Louise touched something sensitive, and I hissed in response. "If dogs weren't in the habit of licking their own asses so much, their mouths would be cleaner than ours. We do not take bites lightly and believe me, we see a lot of them."

Louise completed her examination, and I turned to face her, my shoulder and neck throbbing. Something trickled down my back and after a moment I realized that I was bleeding.

"It's not like she had rabies," I joked and only earned a withering glare from Louise as she jabbed a number into her phone.

"If rabies was the only thing that skank had, you can count yourself lucky," Louise hissed at me. "Please tell me that you used a condom?"

I gave a thumbs up and a hopeful grin.

"Goddamit Bob," Louise sighed.

"Whoa, what the fuck happened to you?" Sammy asked from behind me. I half-turned to look at her, but even that was difficult and painful.

"Idiot let that skank bite him," Louise said, distracted with her phone. "And please note: I'm only calling her a skank because she bit him!"

"I did not let anybody bite me!" I protested.

Sammy failed to look even a tiny bit empathetic.

"Well that sounds like a fun story that you're going to have to tell me later," Sammy said and downed the rest of her drink. "My Uber is here in two minutes, so peace out bitches!"

Sammy punched me on the shoulder, and I winced at the pain shooting through my neck and shoulder. Sammy gave Louise a half-hug and playfully smacked her on the ass as she walked off.

"Your friends are cooler than you Bob!" Sammy called out a final insult as she exited. I gave her a half-hearted middle-finger as a reply. Why was my shoulder hurting so much now? Fuck!

Louise swore and typed rapidly at her phone, texting angrily..

"How are you holding up?"

"Pain. Hurt. Ow. Like that."

"We have to get you disinfected," Louise noted. She read her phone and nodded in triumph. "Luckily, I have a friend who is a nurse, and he lives about four blocks from here. We can get you patched up there."

"Wicked," I murmured.

"It's either that or spend the rest of the night in the emergency room," Louise said. "You choose."

"Let's go with your dude. Maybe we can come back for drinks after?"

Louise scanned the room again, lips pursed.

"Fine, but if I see that bitch when we get back, I'm going to make sure she never bites anybody again."

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Soundtrack: Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades - Brand New

For reminding me that sexy is good, this chapter goes out to