July 9, 2018

"Mama! Mama! Mama!" The nearly seven-year-old yelled repeatedly from the backseat as Nataley attempted to navigate the lunchtime traffic in Sacramento. Her head pounding with tension, she cringed when a car horn sounded behind her before that vehicle swerved into the other lane, its driver flipping her off as he passed. Mindful of her child and his superb observational skills, she didn't return the gesture, although her jaw tightened in anger at the jerk.

"Noah," Ellie warned from the front passenger seat, "Your mother is a scary driver, so please don't distract her now." Glancing at her sister, Nataley noticed the white knuckles from clenched fists, and she smiled.

"I've got this, El. We get off at the next exit. Keep an eye out for J Street cause we take that to 5th Street, and then Harry said there were two entrances along there where we should enter. One says something about deliveries, and the other isn't labeled." Her eyes darting in multiple directions, Nataley used her blinker to signal her intention of changing lanes, setting her jaw as she checked over her right shoulder for other traffic before swerving into the appropriate lane.

"Can't. My eyes are closed," Ellie squeaked.

That was what Nat needed to ease her nerves, and she began giggling. "I'm not a bad driver, El. Never been in an accident in my life, so I can't be horrible."

"That's only because people get out of your way when they see you coming!" Ellie's hands were covering both eyes, and Nataley slowed as they reached the bottom of the off ramp.

"Mama!" Noah yelled at an ear-splitting decibel from the backseat.

"Noah, what do you need?" Her voice was clipped short in frustration, but after nearly 6 hours in the car with only a few potty pit stops, Nat wasn't feeling particularly patient which had decreased her restraint as well.

"Are we there yet?"

"Almost. Getting closer."

"That's what you said like sixty four eleven hours ago, Mama."

When she steered into the underground entrance at the Golden 1 Center, Noah craned his neck and his head swiveled in every possible direction. The guard held up a hand, and Nataley stopped moving forward while she rolled down her window.

"Nataley Zwinger, Ellie Zwinger, and Noah Markowitz."

He scrolled his finger down the list on his clipboard, finally nodding and waving them in with one hand. "Go right ahead. I'll radio to let someone know you're here."

As Nat pulled further into the area, she spotted some parking spaces and steered into one. "You've made the big time, sis!" Ellie whispered, unbuckling her seatbelt. "You're on the freaking list!"

"Bahaha! I don't know that it means much of anything. Noah's the one Harry really wants to see, and for now I just happen to be the kid's ride."

Pausing with her hand on the door release, Ellie raised a surprised eyebrow in her sister's direction. "You're kidding, right?"

Nataley rolled her eyes. "You'll see." Stepping out of the car, she opened the back door for the kid-sized falcon that swooped out in search of his prey.

"Where is he, Mama? I wanna see Harry," Noah bounced on his toes, squishing his stuffed friends 'Lepi' and 'Penelope' tightly in his arms.

"Nataley!" A voice called, and she spied Jeffrey and Glenne striding in their direction.

Exchanging hugs with the couple, Nataley felt supreme relief at finally arriving. "It's so nice to see you both. Noah's been..." Her voice trailed off as she spotted her son skipping away from her.

"NOAH ANTHONY! GET BACK HERE!" She bellowed, shaking her head. "Sorry for the eardrum-shattering yell. This little boy is too excited for his own good."

"Ah, then that makes two excited little boys," Jeffrey laughed. "Come on. Let's go reunite them."

Walking further into the tunnel, Nat proceeded with introductions. "This is my sister, Ellie. Ellie, this is Jeffrey, Harry's manager, and Glenne. She's got the coolest job title! Tell her, Glenne."

The other woman laughed, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear and peeking at the ground. "Snap Inc's Global Head of Music Partnerships." Her humble response warmed Nataley's heart.

"Whoa. Holy shit, Glenne! You're important!" Ellie laughed, doubling her pace to catch up. "Tell me about your job. I wanna know everything."

"Walk with me please, Noah." Nataley directed her son who continued bouncing as though he were Tigger needing to pee.

"But Mama -- HARRY!" the boy whined, causing Nataley to merely hold out her hand for him to grasp. "Ugh. Okay, but I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself."

"Hey, little man," Jeffrey softly said, "While you're taking care of yourself, who's taking care of your mom?"

Noah's head swiveled from the manager to Nataley before he grasped his mama's hand and nodded. Message clearly received.

Softly so as not to draw Ellie and Glenn's attention, Nataley inquired, "How's he really doing?"

Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Jeffrey shrugged. "She broke his heart. He just keeps putting a brave face on things, pretending none of it matters."

Nat nodded in agreement, "That's how he's been on the phone with me too. If I ask about her, he changes the subject or asks to talk to Noah. I'm worried about him."

"Same," Jeffrey replied. "He's definitely stubborn."

Laughing freely, Nat ran a hand through her hair. "Really? I hadn't noticed."

Their combined giggles carried them all the way through the wide hallways in the arena where she heard heavy breathing as someone loudly expelled air in rhythmic pulses. Around the corner, she spotted Harry, and the air escaped her lungs. Wearing a boxing helmet, gloves, and shorts that hugged his tight, rounded, um, bottom, Harry threw punches at another man in similar gear.

"NO!" Noah roared, dropping his stuffies, releasing Nataley's hand, and running towards the two. He continued yelling, "NO! LEAVE MY HARRY ALONE!"

Luckily Harry and his trainer had stopped and stepped away from each other because Noah moved in front of Harry, holding his arms out wide in implied protection and glaring mightily at the trainer.

"WHY YOU HURTIN' MY HARRY!?" he bellowed at the other man, and Nat could see the tears streaming down the boy's cheeks.

"Hey, mate," Harry calmly stated, kneeling down as he divested himself of his gloves, mouthpiece, and headgear. "I'm okay. He's not hurting me."

Noah threw himself into Harry's arms, nearly knocking both of them over, and Nataley felt her own cheeks dampen with her tears. Sniffling, she glanced over at Ellie to spy a stricken look on her sister's face.

"Holy hell," Ellie whispered.

"What?" Nat replied at the same volume.

"They love each other an awful lot."

"Told you," Nat grinned, bumping shoulders with her sister. While she wasn't able to hear the words Harry was speaking into her son's ears, she saw Noah gradually calm down, his body becoming more still as the hug and soft words continued.

Finally, the two separated, and Harry stood. Pointing to the stuffed animals, he shook his head. "Little man, you've deserted your best mates. You better pick them up and remind them you love them. They'll be heartbroken otherwise."

Noah wiped his cheeks before marching over to the animals and hugging them to his chest while he rocked. Harry opened his arms to Nat who quickly took advantage of the offer. As she felt his embrace tighten, she sighed. Fuck. It seemed like forever since she'd been engulfed in one of his patented hugs. Over six months easily. Her brain started to do the math, but she pushed the thoughts away and chose to simply relish the feeling. Harry swayed with her a few times left to right, and she relaxed further, the rest of the world disappearing as he two became a single entity.

Until Noah joined them and wrapped his stuffed animal-clad arms around a leg belonging to each of them. "My turn again?" he asked. Laughing, Harry stepped away from Nataley and scooped up the boy.

"Let's go see Uncle Mitch."

"YES!" the boy yelled, pumping the fist holding Lepi in the air.

Harry stopped in front of Ellie, holding out his hand that had been anchoring Noah's rear end. "You must be Aunt Smelly," he teased.

Noah began giggling, covering his mouth. "No, Harry! Aunt ELLIE!"

"That's what I said. Aunt Jelly."

"Nuh uh, Harry. Aunt ELLIE! ELLIE!"

"Oh. Aunt Telly."

Noah dropped his stuffed animals in between their bodies so that he could wrap his hands around Harry's cheeks, turning the musician's face towards him. "Harry. It's Ellllllll---leeeeeee."

"Got it. Hi, Aunt Ellie!"

Nat watched her sister shake his hand as Ellie attempted to control her laughter. "Pleasure to meet you, Scary."

Noah dissolved into giggles again as though he were being tickled. "Aunt Ellie! He's Harry. And he's not scary!"

"Are you sure?" Ellie queried.

Nataley tuned the three of them out as she twisted back to Jeffrey. "He's definitely deflecting. Damn. How do we break through this facade?"

Jeffrey bopped her on the nose. "If anyone can do it, I'm sure it will be you."

Shaking her head, she followed the entourage towards the dressing rooms. "UNCLE MITCH!" Noah screamed in glee, and Nataley rushed to catch up to the group.

Having already climbed into the guitarist's lap, Noah wrapped his hands around Mitch's guitar.

"Noah!" Nataley scolded. "He's practicing."

"I just watching, Mama."

"Mhm. Let him play."

"I've got it, Nat," Mitch smiled before nodding to her. At least she surmised it must be a smile as the corners of his mouth tilted up slightly.

Ellie was engrossed in conversation with Clare and Sarah as they discussed the multitude of skin care products on the counter, leaving Nataley and Harry standing near the door. With a tug on her sleeve and a head gesture, Harry indicated that she should follow him. Without forethought, she did.

Entering a different, larger, more opulent dressing room with a leather sofa and soft Gucci pillows, Harry gestured towards the seating arrangement. "Want something to drink?"

"I'd love some water. It was a long drive. Noah's probably going to be hungry soon. We ate on the road for breakfast. That kid woke me up before the sun had even risen. He was so excited to see you." She glanced around as he filled a cup with water from a bottle on a nearby table. "The digs are nice enough, I suppose. I should probably check us into the hotel room before it gets to be too late."

"Nope. I'll have someone take care of that for you. No need for you to leave just yet..." he paused, turning to her pointedly, "unless you're trying to escape?"

"You're so funny. It's been months since we've been in the same room, so no. I'm not in any hurry to get away from you."

"Good." Handing her the cup of water, he settled on the opposite side of the sofa with his legs crossed. "I've got a charity thing in a little while, so I should probably change out of these sweaty clothes."

His words made her heart drop. NO. It was their first moment alone. How dare he leave? But he didn't move. Just stared at her.

"You look good, Nat. Happy."

Blushing, she bit her lip and glanced away from him. "I am content. After Joel, I quit looking for love. It will find me if it wants. My time is so much better spent enjoying Noah when I have him and designing lighting when I don't."

"Oh. Are you designing another show?"

"Not exactly. Right now, I'm on this project where I take the lighting plots of other designers and recreate them based on what I think they should be. It's silly because it doesn't mean anything, but..." Again, she blushed, "it brings me joy."

"Then it's exactly how you should spend your time. It seems to make you -- glow." Harry sipped his water before staring into the space over her head.

"Harry..." Nataley swallowed, her heart in her throat. But dammit. She cared about her friend, and she owed it to both of them to take the plunge. "I'm worried about you. What happened with you and Camille? I thought things were getting better based on our conversations."

"Nat --" The warning tone in his voice suggested she back off, but she refused.

"No. You can't let the wound fester. Talk it out. What happened?"

She observed his jaw locking and wondered if she had pushed too far. But dammit. Her friend was in pain, and the only way to release the pain was to bring it into the open air.

"Nat --"

"NO. Tell me."

"Fine." His jaw was clenched tighter than a lollipop in a kid's hand. "Camille said I cheated on her, and then she found someone else."

"WHOA. You cheated?! No way. That's not you, Harry. How could she ever think you would --"

"Not physically, Nat. I didn't fuck someone else." His tone was weary. "In her mind, if we were committed, that meant I needed to share everything with her first."

"Yeah? I don't understand, Harry. What did she mean that you cheated?" Like a dog with a bone or a first-time stripper down to only a g-string, Nataley wasn't going to let the question fade away.

His jaw was so tense that she could view an actual tick in the muscle there. "Apparently, there's such a thing as an 'emotional affair."

"A what?" True confusion invaded Nataley's senses. What the hell was he on about? If she knew anything about Harry, it was that he loved Camille and would never cheat on her. Ever.

"According to Camille, it's when you tell your secrets to someone other than your partner."

"Oh," Nataley blinked. "Who does she think --" Her voice froze in her throat as the realization hit her, knocking her backwards onto the cushions of the leather sofa in his dressing room. "Shit. Me? I got in the way of your relationship with --" The tears welled up, and Nataley furiously attempted to blink them away. "Shit. I'm the reason you broke up. Fuck." Rising, she began pacing the dressing room. "I'm the other woman. Why did you let me drive to Sacramento, H? I can't imagine you want to even be around me right now. You love her so deeply, and I'm the reason..."

"Nat," he began, rising and rubbing his hands on her forearms. "You did nothing wrong."

"How can you say that?" she whispered furiously, using her hand to wipe away the frantically falling tears. "I'm so sorry, Harry. I never meant to...I just wanted to help...you love her so much, and I thought I could give you advice and talk you through things to make your relationship to her stronger... Yet now you don't...Shit." When he tried to pull her into a comforting hug, she pushed him away. "NO. It's my fault. I don't deserve to be comforted."

"Nataley," he coaxed. "Calm down."

"HAS THAT EVER ACTUALLY CALMED ANYONE?" she screeched at him. Bending over at her waist, she rested her elbows on her knees. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He loved Camille so much, and they would still be together if it hadn't been for HER. For Nataley. Shit. She didn't deserve his forgiveness. He was always too kind. When she felt his hand on her back, she attempted to shake it off. Instead, she found that she couldn't control her tears, and the only person she wanted consolation from was Harry.

Standing up straight, she stepped into his familiar hug. "I'm sorry," she sobbed, soaking his shirt with her tears. "I'm so sorry, H." He patted her back, murmuring ineffectual words into her ear.

"Nat," he began when she started to breathe normally again, "It's fine. First of all, it's not your fault. I'm the one who felt more secure coming to you with my concerns than going to Camille. You were a gigantic help to me, and I appreciate you. I loved her, but it's okay. It's over now."

With a hiccup, Nataley removed herself from his embrace. "'Loved?' Are you saying you don't love her anymore?"

He shrugged. "Who knows? What I can say with great confidence is that I'm happy you and Noah are here, and I'm excited for the show tonight."

While she gave him a watery smile, Nataley wiped her tears. "Me, too." Swiping at her eyes, she took a deep breath and made eye contact. "I'm really sorry I fucked things up for you, H."

"Give it time, Nat. You're just now hearing about this. I wasn't going to tell you..."

"At all?!" Hands on her hips, she cocked an eyebrow at him, "Did you think I was going to just let you pretend everything was okay?"

"No," he confessed, "But you didn't need to know the details."

"Harry Edward Styles!" Her admonishment felt forced, and she wondered if they would ever be able to get back to the easy friendship they had with the weight of his breakup dragging her down.

"Nat..." Turning from her, he took a swig of water from the bottle, "It wasn't your fault, and I'm not mad at you."

"So you're mad at yourself?"

"I'm not mad at all. Just trying to take each day as it arrives. Live in the moment and not beat myself up for sharing my secrets with my best friend. So play along for a while, please? We can talk about Camille all you want when it's not as raw."

"Promise?"

"Absolutely!" The grin that crossed his face was accompanied by his signature dimply smirk, and the knot in Nat's stomach started to loosen.

"Okay." She paused, tilting her head as she observed him, "What's the outfit for this show? Some fancy Gucci? I've seen all of the clothes for tour so far, and I have to say that my favorite is the kilt."

"Mhm," Harry muttered, "Enjoyed seeing my knobby knees, did you?"

"Oh! Do you have another kilt for tonight? Cause that would be worth the drive up here." The banter felt almost normal, although Nat knew she would perseverate about her role in his relationship and its ending for a long time to come.