July 11, 2018

"But I wanna stay for the show!" Noah cried, twisting towards Harry as Aunt Ellie steered him to the car.

"I know, little man," Harry crouched in front of the child as Noah attempted to wiggle away from his aunt. "But you've got to go to your dad's today. You'll see my final show on Saturday night, though."

The boy launched himself into Harry's arms, and it was all Harry could do to maintain his balance and not fall over on his arse. "I love you, Harry." The whispered words snatched Harry's heart.

"Love you too. Now go get in the car while I talk to your mama for a minute, okay?"

"M'kay." Shuffling his feet, his lip jutting out approximately five kilometers, Noah wandered towards the Toyota, climbing in the back and grasping his stuffed animal to his chest.

Harry could relate. Mood.

"I hope he doesn't pout the whole drive back."

"He'll be fine, H. I promise. Thanks for letting us hang out with you an extra day. Noah adores you, and he had so much fun with Mitch and Sarah -- although now I'm worried that he's going to be drumming on everything that will make noise." Her laugh brought a smile to his face. She glanced around the underground parking garage before placing a soft kiss on his cheek, rising on tiptoes first.

Without hesitating, Harry wrapped an arm around her waist and drew her to him for a hug, burying his face in her neck. Deeply inhaling her scent, he became acutely aware of her curves. Her breasts pressed into his chest, and his thoughts returned to where they had been quite a bit lately: why hadn't he ever asked her out on a date?

As Nat started to pull away, Harry wanted to hold her closer, longer. Maybe she was his emotional support in the same way that Lepi the stuffed leopard helped Noah during times of anxiety.

"Nat?" He asked. "Any chance you could let your sister drive Noah back so you could stay?"

She placed a hand on his cheek and smiled gently, "I'll see you Friday night, H. You're going to be fine tonight. San Jose is in for a treat."

Mimicking Noah, Harry's lower lip extended as far as possible without causing damage. "Fine, but I'm protesting."

"Mhm. Have a great show!"

Waving, Nat drove away, leaving Harry feeling bereft. Jeffrey clapped him on the shoulder. "Dude, are you really moping? You'll see her in a couple of days in LA."

Shaking off his manager's hand, Harry stalked towards the hired car. "I'm not moping," he commented, his teeth slightly clenched, "Just disappointed."

"I see." The corners of Jeffrey's lips tilted up just slightly, enough to show his amusement at his friend's predicament.

"Do not give me that look," Harry scowled. "Like you know something I don't know."

"Shall we talk about Google Camp? Or do you want to talk about Camille?"

"Camille? Why would we talk about her?"

"Harry, you just spent a full year dating the woman."

With a shrug, Harry replied, "That's not quite true. I mean, she didn't travel on tour with us. We were actually apart more than we were together."

"The breakup hurt."

What hurt was Jeffrey perpetuating the subject by poking the bear with a stick.

"Duh. Of course it fucking hurts. I love her."

"Love? Present tense?"

Rubbing at his eyes, Harry looked out the window, relieved that they had a driver to take them to San Jose.

"Maybe. I don't know. Why are you and Nat so intent on what's water under the bridge?"

Jeffrey whipped his head to Harry faster than the speed limit. "You talked to Nataley about Camille?"

Harry maintained his focus on the other cars on the freeway. "Sure. Why not? She's a friend."

"You barely talk to me about her."

"Her who? Nat or Camille?"

"I give up." Jeffrey pushed an exasperated breath out, settling back into the seat and withdrawing his phone. Navigating to his email, he began reading and responding. A few text messages popped up, and Harry watched as they were answered quickly, his friend's fingers flying over the phone's keyboard.

An emotion swept over him, and Harry found he couldn't breathe for a moment. "I fucked up." His quiet voice filled the car, and Jeffrey paused with his thumbs hovering over the screen. Harry punched the button to close the window between the passengers and driver.

When he didn't speak for several minutes, Jeffrey calmly returned his phone to his pocket before quietly asking, "How?"

"It's just that I'm so used to running my questions and concerns past you or Nataley that I didn't think that perhaps Camille wanted to be part of that process too, you know? For years, I've gone to Nat for advice about all things related to women. Just like I come to you for advice about business and music." His hands fidgeted with his rings, and he found he couldn't make eye contact with his friend.

"Okay," Jeffrey said, clearly encouraging Harry to add more to the story.

"That's it, mate. I talked to Nat about things more than I talked to Camille, and that pissed her off. Although I mean, it's not like it's Nataley's fault or anything. It's 100% mine. For whatever reason, I had this block where I didn't feel comfortable discussing certain topics with Camille, but with Nat, I'm an open book. And sometimes I would even get advice from Nat about Camille. But that made Camille super angry." Sliding his ring the length of his forefinger, Harry continued, "She said I cheated on her with Nataley."

Silence from his friend-slash-manager had Harry glancing at him quickly. Brows drawn, Jeffrey licked his lips once, and Harry recognized the nervous gesture.

"Fuck. You think I cheated too."

"Look, H. It doesn't matter what I think. Or even what Camille thinks. What do you think? Do you feel like you cheated on her with Nataley?"

The boulder in his stomach shifted to one side. He bit his lip, pulling the tender flesh through his teeth multiple times while he considered the question.

"I can see how not talking to Camille about things would create a barrier in our relationship, but honestly, Jeffrey, sometimes Nataley is just easier to talk to about the hard things. It's not like I had sex with Nat or anything. In fact, I saw her way less than I saw Camille."

"And yet you still talked to Nat about deeper things? Shared secrets with her that you didn't with Camille?"

A chill ran through Harry's body. "Fuck. Yes. I confided in Nat and not Camille. So she's right then? As sure as if I'd had wandering hands, I cheated. Fuck."

Jeffrey pinched Harry's shoulder as the entertainer rocked in his seat while the driver barreled down the road. "H -- I'm sorry. I run everything past Glenne first. Always. Even if she doesn't agree with me, I still talk it out with her before anyone else. Even signing a contract with you. Glenne was the first person who knew about that. Before my dad." His hand shifted to rubbing vigorously on Harry's back. "I think the bigger question is why you trust Nat so completely."

"You mean she shouldn't be trusted? She's never repeated anything I've said to her. Not to anyone."

The sigh that came from Jeffrey sounded like it emerged from the depths of his soul. "That's not what I was saying, H."

"Good. What then?"

"For me, I don't disclose my thoughts and plans to Glenne because we're in a relationship. It's the other way around. We're in a relationship because she's the one with whom I feel most comfortable sharing my thoughts and plans. I feel safe with her. Don't get me wrong. It helps that she's gorgeous and smart and poised and that I want to bang her nightly. But the fact that Glenne is my person -- that's why we're together."

"Oh." The single word didn't convey anything Harry meant or was feeling. His instinct in Sacramento when it had been just him and Nataley in the dressing room -- he'd wanted to kiss her. Desperately. It hadn't been a thought any other time they'd been together, but in that moment, that was his deepest desire. Where had that come from? Did he have feelings for Nat beyond friendship? Was Nat his person?

The rest of the ride he sat silently as Jeffrey responded to texts and emails. Once they arrived in San Jose, the usual concert preparations took over, dragging his brain blissfully away from conscious thoughts of Nataley.

----------

July 13, 2018

Hearing her voice instantly reduced his anxiety.

"Happy birthday, Mitch!" Nat laughed, holding out a brightly coloured bag with ribbons streaming from it. In her other hand, she balanced a cake pedestal. "For you! It's vegan chocolate cake." As Mitch reached with both hands for the dessert, Nataley grinned with what Harry would describe as pride. The smile was as wide as an ocean liner.

"Thanks, Nat," the guitarist softly stated. "I don't know that anyone has ever made homemade vegan cake for me."

"Only the best for you, Mitch! Besides, I assume that there will be a real party later with some fancy bakery cake that's ten thousand times better than mine."

"Not possible," he smiled. "In fact, I think I'm going to try a piece right now." Turning, he entered his dressing room at the Forum, placing the cake on the counter before searching for a knife and fork. Sarah helped, and soon the whole band was enjoying a slice of the baked yumminess.

"So good!" Harry proclaimed, feeling a bursting in his chest at his -- Nat's skills. "It's moist."

"Yeah -- how'd you get it to not be dry?" Clare asked. "Mine always turn out like sand bricks."

"Applesauce," Nat confided in a near-whisper. "Plus a cup of boiling hot water just before I put it all in the oven."

"Noah's coming tomorrow night?" Sarah wondered. "I kind of miss seeing him."

"Are you saying I'm not enough?" Nat's mock offense made Harry's heart soar with joy. She was so silly sometimes.

"You, my dear," Sarah rose, hugging Nat, "are more than enough. We almost never get to hang with just you. It's a treat."

"Awww, you're going to make me cry," the lighting designer said, sniffling while wiping her eyes.

"Nope. None of that," Sarah chastised. "Not when I'm about to get my hair and makeup done for tonight." Nodding at the stylist who had just entered, the drummer moved to a chair. "See you after the show, Nat!"

"I think that's our cue," Harry said, his hand on Nataley's back as he steered her out of the band's dressing room and across the hall into his. "Tomorrow night is going to be crazy. It will be packed back here with everyone coming for the last show of tour."

Nataley nodded silently, her eyes roaming his messy space, landing on nothing in particular before flitting onto the next item. It was a restlessness he'd never witnessed from her before.

"You okay, Nat?" he asked, clearing off a space on the couch for them to sit, tossing items onto the floor of the dressing room, a few landing in his duffel bag while others scattered across the carpet.

"Yeah. Of course!" was her cheery reply. "I'm sure tomorrow will be a bag of mixed emotions for you with the end of tour."

His breath escaped him like the air from a flattened tyre. "It's crazy, Nat. I feel like a completely different person from the bloke who released his solo debut over a year ago. No longer a bundle of nerves, you know? The fans --" He teared up with emotion and paused before going forward. "They've made me feel special. Loved."

Stillness filled the room. The only sounds were the hustle and bustle in the hallway beyond the dressing room door. Sometime soon he would have to start getting dressed. But not yet.

"You -" Nataley cleared her throat, "You are loved."

"Nat-" he begins.

"Harry, I'm so excited that Noah and I get to be at your final show. 'Welcome to the final show.' I bet that line gets the screams tomorrow night."

"Nat-" he tries again.

"And they won't want to leave afterwards. You must have something big planned. Don't tell me. I don't want to know. Surprise me. But I'm sure it will be phenomenal."

"Nat-" Harry starts her name a third time.

"Will you wave to Noah from the stage? He loved that in Sacramento. Talked about it the whole way home."

"Are you nervous about something, Nat?"

"Me? No. Why? I mean, it's your show. You might be nervous, but you seem as calm as..."

Leaning forward, Harry pressed his lips to hers. When she didn't push him away, he paused and withdrew.

"I'm sorry, Nat. I should have asked..."

Before he could finish his sentence, Nataley wrapped her hand around his neck and drew his lips back to hers. This time he allowed himself to melt into her lips, cherishing the feel of her soft skin against his. When she sighed and settled back into the couch, he used his tongue to beg for entry. Obliging, Nat opened to him and invited him into her warmth. Immediately he lost himself in her flavor, tasting the chocolate cake but also the essence of Nataley. His Nataley.

Easing them out of the kiss, he opened his eyes to find her staring at him while a trail of saliva still connected their lips which were only centimeters apart. Her tongue darted out, breaking the string of spit, and he wanted to dive into her once more.

As he began to lower his head to hers again, she put up a hand in a universal stop sign, and he instantly obeyed. No means no.

Sitting back, Harry rested his head on the back of the couch, his gaze on the ceiling. How had he let this get so far?

"Sorry, Nat."

"Hush. I enjoyed that way too much." That was the satisfaction he'd sought, and a smile started to drift across his face just before she spoke again. "But it's because I've been celibate way too long."

"Nataley --" his voice was strangled, and he twisted his head to look at her. "You cannot deny the attraction anymore."

"Here's what I know with absolute certainty, Harry. You're my best friend. Not my best male friend. My actual best friend. You're Noah's surrogate father. You mean the world to both of us." She swallowed, her eyes boring into his. "And I will not fuck that up to be your rebound."

"That's fair," Harry whispered after considering her point. "But I don't think you would be."

"Maybe in a different time. Maybe after you've processed your relationship with Camille. Maybe someday."

"Wait." Sitting up, Harry turned his torso to the woman he'd just realized he wanted desperately to date. "You're saying there's a chance? That maybe we could have some sort of relationship beyond friendship?"

Nataley bit her lip. "I don't know what I'm saying. Since Sacramento, I've dreamed of kissing you, and I have to say it was an enjoyable kiss."

At her words, Harry's soul flew into the stratosphere.

"But I don't trust it right now," she continued, and his excitement faded. "Camille just left you, stating that the reason for the breakup was because you were talking to me instead of her. This -" She gestured between the two of them. "- might be fake. Reactionary."

Nodding, Harry agreed to the principle. She had a point. Camille hadn't broken up with him that long ago. "Okay. That makes sense." But he wasn't about to give up. "When can we try again? I'll be back this fall."

"Maybe," Nat whispers. "But I really need you to make sure that you're over Camille. Seriously, H. Whatever that means. I won't date you if it's going to fuck things up for my kid."

Harry's heart pounded a new rhythm. Her demands were fair. Reasonable. He would still feel this way about her in September. He was confident.