THIRTY SIX. I FORGIVE IT ALL AS IT
COMES BACK TO ME

Mia ignored the stabbing pains in her stomach and the nausea stuck in her throat. She ran her tongue across her teeth, hating the feeling of plaque that developed from the lack of nutrition and ability to brush her teeth. She was too young to understand the effects that not eating had on your body: the dizziness, fatigue because of low blood sugar, weakness, tooth aches, weight loss, hair loss. Add the burning hot sun shining down on her and it was a lot worse.

Carl stayed by her side as their journey continued, the silver cross necklace dangling from his neck, the metal shining from the sun. None of them talked but every now and then, the pair would glance at each other and smile when they saw the other was looking. He had taken Judith back from his father and the baby girl played with the jewelry out of fascination. Mia eyed the necklace every so often, thinking about how she never gave anybody a gift like that before. She subconsciously toyed with her L necklace that she never took off. She would always make her family cards or homemade gifts for birthday or holidays, but to gift something real like that not only meant a lot to Carl, but to her as well, because it meant she was growing up.

To grow up in a world like this meant not getting to grow up at all. Your body changes, but your mind doesn't. You're stuck at the age you were when the world went to shit. It's hard to develop a new mindset in a world such as this one. Mia doesn't really feel like she changed at all, rather than how she looked. She doesn't know the time, or the date. So she was forced to only look ahead of her and never back. She could never go back.

She never imaged her life to be this way when she was a little girl flipping through her mother's fashion magazines. Mia can remember fawning over the idea of getting to grow up like the women she saw, to find her own style and have her mom show her how to be a woman. She always dreamed big. But that's all they were now, just dreams.

Mia thought maybe she was dreaming now. Or simply hallucinating the multiple waters that were sitting abandoned in the middle of the road. Four large jugs and ten bottles. "What the hell?" She said out loud.

"What the hell is right," Abraham's voice boomed.

There was a note attached. Rick, with caution, grabbed the piece of paper and in black letters were written from a friend.

Mia looked all around her but there was nobody. Who the hell would have left this here?

"What else are we gonna do?" Tara voiced since nobody else did.

"Not this. We don't know who left it." Rick answered logically.

"I can get us more water from the trees. I wouldn't risk this," Mia spoke up shakily, looking at everyone around her.

"If that's a trap, we happen to already be in it. But I, for one, would like to think it is indeed 'from a friend'," Eugene commented, dismissing their claims.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What friend? The walkers or the trees? Cause that's all there is." She smarted off.

"Mia," Maggie warned while Carl and Noah held back their laughter.

"No, Mia's right. What if it isn't? They put something in it," Carol sided with Mia.

Mia had to roll her eyes as Eugene again ignored them and reached down for a bottle.

"Eugene!"

"What are you doing, dude?" Rosita and Tara warned the man.

"Quality insurance."

Before he could pour the liquid into his mouth, Abraham stepped forward and slapped the bottle out of his hand with force, the water splashing all over the dry pavement.

Mia flinched, feeling secondhand embarrassment creep up. The tension between Eugene and Abraham since the stunt he pulled about D.C. was uncomfortable to witness, and she really couldn't blame Abraham for his animosity. If Mia was capable of doing such, she would have exiled him, but she was just a kid. So the most she could do was not give him the time of day.

"We can't." Rick stated, gazing at Eugene darkly.

The sound of thunder rumbling in the sky was like music to her ears. Mia looked up at the sky, seeing the clouds form together in clumps of grey. No, it can't be, she thought to herself. It was the first raindrop that made her really think she was dreaming. But then it all came down at once and the rain hit her skin like gentle kisses.

Her jaw dropped, inviting the rain to dance on her tongue, and she covered her mouth from shock. It was an answer prayer, a gift from God. She felt like a wilted flower waiting to be bloomed. Mia rubbed her dirty and sweaty face, the residue washing off her hands. It seeped through her fingers. She raked them through her hair and tugged at her roots. She inhaled the inhaled the deepest breath and smelled the freshness that dawned on her. After weeks and weeks of withering away in the hot sun, feeling like she was going to die, it was almost like she was rejuvenated. Then she smiled.

Carl, having taken off his hat to cover Judith's head, was busy trying to catch as much water in his mouth as he could. She cried from the unfamiliar feeling of water on her skin and from the thunder. He looked over at her, watching the way she smiled and titled her head back so that the rain could hit her face. Carl hadn't seen that smile in so long that he was starting to forget what it looked like. It was beautiful. She was so beautiful.

Mia met his eyes, so blue and brilliant, and she lunged forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and she hugged him tightly, careful not to hit Judith but she needed to feel him in that moment. In that moment she felt safe, and she was safest when she was with him. Mia felt him hold her with his free arm and she had never felt a love as pure as the one he bestowed upon her.

"Everybody, get the bags. Anything you can find." Rick instructed while grabbing empty water bottles.

When the thunder got louder, Mia pulled away from Carl and looked ahead of her. She wiped her face and saw the clouds darken even more, an indication that a storm was coming. Even the best sent gifts have a catch.

"There's a barn!" Daryl hollered over the heavy rain.

"Where?" Rick demanded.

Once they filled as many water bottles as they could and gathered them up, the group followed Daryl through the woods. As she ran through the rain, Mia was sucked back into memories of when she and Lucas would play outside in the pouring rain, barefoot and dressed in old clothes. Their parents would watch them through the window and the twins would run around in circles, chasing each other with sticks or handfuls of mud that had developed in the dirt. They were seven at the time when Mia remembered it, young and innocent. No clue what life had planned for them later in life.

Somehow, the rain drops had become tears, and Mia was happy nobody could tell the difference.

The storm shook the entire barn. Mia listened to the thunder boom and rain fall, hitting the roof with such force that she was shocked the barn didn't cave in on them. She tried not to pay attention to the smell (barn animals, most likely horses) because they finally bad shelter. By now, Mia was able to feel all of the pain in her joints from the constant walking. The aching in her feet and shoulders. Maggie was asleep, curled into a ball on the other side of the barn. Sasha sat by herself. Abraham was seated alone, drowning his sorrows in a single bottle of liquor. Mia couldn't blame him. She'd probably do the same thing.

The rest of them were huddled together, watching Daryl try to build a fire, but the ground was too wet. She could feel what was made, the glowing orange flames warming her. She watched the sparks fly in the air and disappear over and over again.

Carl had fallen asleep some time ago, Judith bundled in his arms sound asleep; her safe place. The orange light reflected off his face. Mia watched the muscles in his face twitch, how his eyelashes fluttered, and his nose twitched. His natural freckles had darkened from being in the sun. The scattered across the bridge of his nose. She remembered the prison when they laid side by side in quarantine, and they asked each other questions because neither could sleep. It wasn't that long ago and yet it felt like years. So much had happened since that night.

They fought, they cried, they came together, they protected each other, they realized things about each other. No matter where they ended up, life would bring them together again. They were in this together. That was the most important thing.

And she started feeling that familiar sensation in her stomach again. Painful twists that traveled all the way up to her throat, restricting her of air. She felt it the night he crawled into her bed and was crying to her. She felt it when she thought she was going to die at the hands of a man, and Carl was just feet away from her, thinking it was the end. And she's felt it every day since because she was certain that she didn't ever want to lose him.

Maybe that's how it was supposed to be from the beginning, the two of them. Maybe that's why Lucas had to die, why she had to be in those woods all alone, why Maggie decided to save her and why Rick decided to make her apart of the family. It was all for him. It was always for him. It became more clear the longer she stared at him, and Mia could not stop herself from reaching over and gently moving his hair from his eyes. The smallest of touches causes sparks in her finger tips.

Then she remembered that she was surrounded by people and Mia quickly pulled her hand back. She glanced up and met Rick's watchful gaze. He was grinning. It was small and could barely be seen because of how dark it was, but she saw it. Mia quickly looked away and brought her knees to her chest. She watched them continue to try and build the fire.

Suddenly, Judith whined and made a crying noise. She shifted uncomfortably in her brother's arms. It caught all of their attention.

"Hey, hey," Rick spoke softly to his daughter. He carefully took her, not wanting to wake up Carl. He cradled the baby girl in his arms. "It's okay. It's okay."

Mia listened to her cries. She was scared. The thunder was loud and the rain was falling harder. She was just a baby, an innocent soul. Her father's calm words weren't enough to calm her down. "Let me try," she spoke up and helped herself up from the ground.

"Are you sure?" Rick questioned, patting the baby on her back.

"My sister hated storms. I used to be the one to calm her down."

"Of course you were," said Glenn, smiling slightly.

Mia bit back a smile of her own. Rick passed her the baby and she placed Judith on her hip. She was getting heavier, believe it or not. Her cries pierced her ears but Mia rubbed her back in soothing circles. "Hey, it's okay." She whispered. She walked away from the group, bouncing her lightly while still rubbing her back. "It's okay. It's okay."

Walking away from the fire, she was swallowed in a pit of darkness. It was surprisingly cold. She'd been on edge since their arrival because in Mia's mind, what was stopping someone from breaking in and killing them? They weren't locked in here like she would have liked. What if when they fell asleep, somebody snuck in and killed them all? They weren't safe anywhere. A gift from God wasn't enough to save them from being killed. That's what she thought, anyway. Mia knew better.

"It's okay," she continued to whisper to Judith. She felt tears wet her shoulder and her tiny fingers dug into the skin of her neck. Mia sat on the floor by the door and pressed her to her chest. "Hi, there," she whispered with a tiny smile. She wiped the tears from Judith's eyes. "It's okay. There's no need to be scared. It's just a little rain." Mia glanced at the cracked door and watched the rain drizzle outside.

When Paris was still a baby, she was terrified of thunderstorms. Her parents would wake up to try and calm her, but thunder and lightening was too much for her to handle. Mia was always annoyed by her crying so one day, she walked into the nursery, huffing and puffing, and she held her. Through the annoyance, Paris had started to calm down. It was amazing to witness. Mia didn't understand. She thought that babies could sense your emotions and she was sure that Paris would continue to cry, but she didn't. She fell asleep in her arms: after that, whenever there was a storm, Mia would hold her sister and tell her that everything was going to be okay. It was just a little rain.

The cries turned into whimpers. Judith rested her head on her chest, her fingers still bunched around her shirt. Mia watched the rain while still rubbing her back. Everything began to feel heavy. "You're lucky, y'know?" She spoke to herself, knowing she wouldn't understand. "I'd give anything to be in your position. You don't understand a thing right now. It's all just a blur to you. I really wish you could stay this way."

Judith lifted her head, putting her forehead on her clavicle.

"You're too precious to have to grow up in all of this chaos. You're too sweet. I wonder if you're anything like your mommy." Mia looked down at the top of her head and she smiled when Judith looked up as well. Even in the dark, her blue eyes shimmered with tears. Mia brushed her thumb across her cheek. "My sister was like our mommy. She was kind. I wish I could've seen her grow up like you are." There was a crack in her voice. "I hope one day you realize how hard we've all tried to protect you, how much your daddy and brother love you. You're so special. I hope his world doesn't ruin you."

By now, Judith's whimpers had stopped and now turned into cooing sounds. Her little hand that wasn't bunched around her shoulder reached up and touched her mouth. Mia giggled and grabbed her hand, holding it gently. Then, it all hit her at once. Her dark blue eyes filled with tears. She couldn't control the cries that slipped past her lips. Mia dipped her head downward and clutched the baby closer to her, hiding her face into her little shoulder. "We'll find a better life for you. I promise."

Mia didn't remember falling asleep. The last thing she remembered was giving Judith back to Rick, fast asleep and comfortable again, and she slept by Maggie's side. They held each other's hands. Mia understood that she would never be Beth Greene, and that the relationship between her and Maggie could never compare to the relationship of two sisters, but she would try for her.

The rain had stopped, the storm passed on, and the sky was painted soft pink and purple. She hadn't seen a sunrise in what seemed like forever. Or maybe she just never paid attention. Mia clutched her knife tightly in her hand when she walked outside. A gun rested in the waistband of her jeans. Immediately, she was hit with the smell of walkers. The storm blew over the trees, crushing their compressed bodies and leaving guts scattered all over the ground. The growls filled her ears. "Jesus," she muttered.

It was humid so she stripped off the flannel and tied it around her waist. Mia tucked her hair behind her ears. "Okay, try not get bit, would ya?" She muttered to herself.

She moved with caution through the pathway of trapped walkers. They flailed their arm around, trying to reach her, but were stuck under the collapsed trees. Hopeless. Mia checked her surroundings, seeing that she was alone. She heard nothing but snarls and cicadas.

There was a clearing. An open field with a direct view of the rising sun, and a pink and purple sky. Mia stared in awe. The didn't worry about the walkers or getting caught out here by herself. She just needed a break. Time to breathe. It was beautiful.

"Amelia."

Carl had sensed that she was gone when he opened his eyes. Lo and behold, he was right, and not just because she was the first person he searched for.

Mia looked over her shoulder. Carl stood there with his cowboy hat perched on his head. "You shouldn't be out here by yourself," he claimed, one hand rested on his gun just in case.

Though she knew he was right, Mia dismissed it and she waved her hand. "Come here," she told him.

Carl shuffled forward. That's when he took in the vibrant colors in the sky, and his pinched expression softened. "Wow."

"I know right?" She grinned. They sat down on a tipped over tree trunk. "It's so beautiful."

His eyes shifted over to her. Her chin was rested on the palm of her hand. She eyed the sky with a gentle smile. "Yeah, it is."

He didn't have time to look away by the time she met his gaze. Mia smiled. "I haven't seen anything like this in so long," she told him while looking back at the sky. "It's peaceful."

Carl nodded. "Yeah. We need some peace."

"We need some peace," she repeated, agreed wholeheartedly. What he didn't know was that Mia did feel peace. She felt peace when he was next to her. She turned her head towards him again and smiled.

He glanced over at her. "What?" Carl asked, feeling himself smile, too.

"Nothing, sorry," she laughed slightly and looked away again.

"No, it's okay. I like it when you smile."

Mia felt her face heat up. She tucked her hair behind her ears again and popped her fingers. The gentle smile never left her face as she took in the beautiful scenery and the peaceful silence. For so long, she had been fighting. She tried to remain strong, not jay for herself, but for the sake of the group. She tried pushing her feelings down so nobody would see that something was wrong. But she didn't want to do that anymore. She wanted to break free of it all.

She was still scared. Maybe she would always would be. This world wasn't hers anymore. It wasn't theirs. It was controlled by things that wanted to kill them. It was all about survival now. But for a moment, even just for a second, Mia wanted to be a teenage girl and to feel what she was supposed to feel.

When things got quiet, Carl glanced her way again. He watched her face change from a smile to almost in tears, and he frowned. "Mia, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm sorry." Mia quickly wiped her eyes and laughed again. "Sorry. Just deep in thought."

"Oh." His eyes flickered downward to his booths. "Wanna talk about 'em?"

She chuckled again. Mia looked at him. "I'm not sure if you'll understand them," she claimed.

Carl flicked up his eyebrows. "Oh, really?" He said, making her smile. "Try me."

"Okay, okay," she laughed. She rested her chin on her hand again. "Carl, Imm really sorry for how I've been acting lately.

He narrowed his eyes. "Huh?"

"I've been isolating myself because I'm trying to be strong. But I was hurting you in the process and. . .hurting you is the worst thing I could ever do," Mia explained slowly. "I've tried to get rid of everything I'm feeling, but, I can't do that anymore."

Carl listened to her carefully. He blinked, eyes taking the side of her face. "What kind of feelings?" He asked, feeling his stomach turn in knots.

Her eyes continue to settle on the beautiful sky. "You know," she stated.

Not thinking straight, Carl reached forward and took one of her hands. She flinched, and Mia quickly looked his way. He held her hand and took it away from her face. "Tell me," he almost whispered.

Their eyes locked intensely, two different shades of blue swirling together like an ocean. Mia's heart started to pound. It all came forward at once, those feelings she tried ignoring. "I'm not very good at this," she lead with.

"Neither am I."

"I. . ." All of a sudden, her mouth went dry. "I've never felt safe. Not even when Maggie found me or when your dad let me into the group. I always just thought it was another pit stop until I find somewhere else. I think I never deserved to feel safe."

"You do," Carl said with gentle eyes.

"When the sickness outbreak happened at the prison, when we all got separated, I just kept thinking this is the end. But I only had one thing keeping me going through the whole thing. . ." Mia tore her eyes away from the sunrise. "You."

The blue eyed boy blinked, the words shocking to hear.

"This whole time I've been so scared to go forward because of the guilt I live with every single day. And I've tried so hard to find a way to forgive myself. To forgive the world. It's been so hard, but. . .you're my hope, Carl. You're my peace. You're–You're everything," Mia's voice cracked and the tears in her eyes returned. "And I. . .I love you."

Pause. Silence. Carl's eyes were wide, his lips parted, and she stared at him with glossy eyes and a red face, surprised at herself. He didn't waste another second. Carl leaned in and kissed her. His first kiss. Her first kiss. It was something you can only describe as a dream. He's fifteen. This is how fifteen year olds are supposed to feel. How can I feel this way in a world like this? You can. She's right in front of you.

His father's words played on repeat in his head. If you would do anything for her. . .then you already know the answer.

Mia's hands found cheeks and she held his face. Their lips moved awkwardly but she brought him in closer, feeling his touch like she needed air to breathe.

Carl pulled back and she opened her eyes. "I love you," he said back and moved her hair out of her face, his hand lingering on her cheek. "I-I. . .I have for a long time now."

Mia broke out into a smile.

"Carl, Mia!"

The teenagers jumped apart, Maggie's voice startling them. She merged through the pathway with Sasha by her side. "You two shouldn't be out here," she said sternly.

Mia looked at Carl, he looked at her, their faces bright red. Carl adjusted his hat. "I'm just gonna, uh. . ." He stammered and stood from the tree trunk. "Go back inside."

She rolled her lips back into a smile. Mia watched him walk away and tip his hat over his eyes while passing by Maggie and Sasha. The women looked at each other and then to her. The look on her face said it all. "Do I wanna ask?" Maggie questioned, a teasing grin curling on her lips.

"No, no you don't." Mia answered. She stood with shaky legs. "I'll head back, too."

Sasha hummed while smirking.

She avoided eye contact and made her way back to the barn, silently squealing to herself.