How can I be a better friend and person when you demolish what I have built?

(It's best to hear this in a voice that's talking casually) Tad bit of vent basically talking about how I try to be better but constantly being reminded of how awful of a friend I was
How terrible of a human being I was

Really I'm just wondering when my friends will finally leave me behind. When they won't even look me in the eye. I feel like I'm not gonna live much longer anyways
I might but I don't know

My worst thing about being a bad friend is how I cling. Yea
Annoying.
People do it to others without them realizing. With me it's obvious.
Of course the reason isn't which is I haven't had good friends.
I don't even deserve good friends am I right?

I don't deserve many things. Thanks fifth grade.

Basically my mentality is awful right now.
I've got the thought of "oh. You're not even a good human."
Probably comes from feeling guilty about liking people. Showing affection towards basically anyone. Being normal human is wrong???? I mean what do I know.
I'm only 14.
And I've only just got a bit of human nature.

I don't get why getting attention from one single person is so important. It doesn't end well. Just look at me.

Just look at me
I barely take care of myself
Wow.
I'm only making it in life because I'm constantly reminded that people like me
And I'm just one big problem causer.

Then I'm reminded that I'm awful
And the cycle repeats and repeats

My life is just one big cycle
How long until it stops
How long until everyone forgets me.

Hah.

Causal thoughts