I got back to the house on Sunday after having lunch with Quinn. I was kind of sweaty, despite the wind chill outside, and my chest was tight. It would have been smart to have a game plan going into this, but I didn't. How could I, when I had no idea what I was even walking into?

The last text I sent him was on Friday after getting a little bit wine drunk with Quinn and Ryker. The message still rang in my head, unanswered of course.

Liam: If there's anything I can do to get you to stop ignoring me, let me know. I can't stand this

It sounded desperate, but it was honest. Still, I wished that I hadn't sent it. Not because it was embarrassing, but because it gave him another opportunity to ignore me.

Quinn wished me luck as she dropped me off at the front of the house and I carried my book bag and small duffel of clothes up the porch and into the house. It was quiet, since Walker and Kenji weren't back yet. Ollie sent a text earlier that Morgan got back a couple of hours ago, so he was at the neighbor's house.

Which was why, when I heard a pan clatter in the kitchen, I paused. If Walker, Kenji, and Ollie were all out of the house, there were only two possible explanations to the noise in the kitchen. One, being a burglar going through our kitchen utensils or two, it was Banks.

Slowly, I lowered my bags at the base of the stairs and walked toward the sound. I had to try to talk to him one time in person and if that didn't work, I'd leave him alone. I couldn't force him to want to talk to me.

It felt like cornering a frightened baby deer, walking slow and quiet until he heard the floor board creek under my shoe.

"Did Morgan kick you out already?" he asked with his back still facing me as he stirred something on the stove. I really wish I had a plan before walking into the room, because now that I was standing there with him, my mind was going empty.

"It's me," I said, clearing my throat.

The second he whipped around to face me, my eyes involuntarily dropped to his lips as I remembered the way they felt the last time I saw him. They weren't moving now, hanging slightly open as he took in the shock of seeing me standing across the kitchen from him.

My words weren't working, so my brain thought up a plan that didn't involve any talking and it was a stupid plan probably, but maybe it would be my only chance and maybe I needed to kiss him one more time to really know for sure how I felt about the first one.

In four strides, I was across the kitchen and I didn't give either of us any time to think before I stepped into him, aiming my lips for his. He wasn't prepared for it, knocking back into the counter behind his hips as we collided.

That clench in my guts I felt during the first one, that I thought might have been shock originally, shot through my entire body. I'd never gotten electrocuted before, but I imagined this is what it would feel like. Painful and bright and sharp.

The kiss lingered longer than the first one, but was still very short before I was pulling away, taking half a step back to put some distance between us.

Through ragged breaths, I said, "So we're even," and then left the kitchen. I grabbed my bags and carried them all the way into my room, shutting the door behind me with more force than necessary and then fell onto my bed.

My heart rate still hadn't slowed down, my guts and stomach still twisted in knots and there was a burning low in my belly.

I couldn't tell myself it was shock this time, considering it was me who initiated. I saw this one coming and it destroyed me even more than the first. Maybe I'd never admit this to anybody else, but I knew right away that on my scale of kisses, that one was all the way at the top.

There wasn't enough room in my brain to worry about the fact that I just kissed a guy and liked it that much. That I spent my entire life as a straight guy and never doubted it for a second. I grew up as an athlete, in locker rooms and surrounded by other fit, athletic guys. I'd never felt even an inkling of attraction toward any of them. What did all of this make me? I couldn't worry about that now.

All I could think about was that kiss, how my lip momentarily bumped into his teeth as he gasped and then closed his lips against mine to return the kiss. He did kiss me back, I think. Hopefully my brain wasn't making things up, but maybe it was?

Would he have kept kissing me back if I hadn't pulled away? If I had pressed him deeper into the counter with my hips, wrapped my fingers through his black curls, would he have let me?

I had no idea what the hell was going on with me, but I couldn't stop myself from having these thoughts. I could have stopped myself from pulling my erection out of my joggers as I thought about all of the kissing and touching that didn't actually happen, but I didn't.

Later, after everybody returned home, Kenji decided to cook a family dinner for everybody. His specialty: chicken fried rice.

I was mostly expecting Banks not to show up, to either go hang out with Jordan or hide away in his room all night, since he knew I would be there. So when our eyes met as I came down the stairs while he made the table, I froze.

His cheeks went red as he looked away from me and I tried to keep a neutral face. Like we didn't kiss earlier that day and like I didn't jerk off to it twice in the last couple of hours. My arm was actually sore.

"There you are, Liam," Walker said as he stepped into the room, placing a can of cold beer in front of each plate that Banks had laid down. "How was your break?"

"Shitty," I said, looking away from Banks. "But I found out that Sara made varsity soccer this year. I didn't even know she tried out. I think they were worried it would trigger me if I knew. She's great."

"I love Sara, but she terrifies me," Ollie said, carrying a large mixing bowl of salad with a ginger dressing. In passed years, he would come to my house for Thanksgiving so he was familiar with all of my cousins.

"Teenagers are objectively terrifying," Kenji added, bringing in the main course, spooning a bit of fried rice from the wok onto each plate.

"This smells amazing," Walker sighed, falling into his chair to dig in. "Thanks for dinner, Ken."

"Figured it would be nice to have one fresh meal before we start on leftover Armageddon in the fridge," he responded with a laugh. Everything from friendsgiving and then with all the leftovers we all brought from home, the fridge was overflowing with plastic containers of meat and stuffing and pie that we would be feasting on for at least a week.

"What did you guys do while we were gone?" Walker asked, looking at Ollie and Banks.

I opened my beer and took a giant gulp of it.

Ollie looked at Banks to answer but when he didn't, he took it upon himself. "Pretty boring, really. Other than almost burning everything down, of course. But that was handled and there is only a tiny singe mark on the wall to show for it."

I glanced up at Banks, but his eyes were downcast to the table, poking around at his fried rice with an unreadable expression on his face.

Did he tell Ollie what I did? If he hadn't yet, he sure would soon. Then, the entire house would know. Not that they'd react poorly, but they would act weird. This situation was weird enough as it was, I didn't need Walker flashing that perverted grin at us like he does whenever Morgan and Ollie stood next to each other.

"Banks, you're awfully quiet tonight. Everything okay?" Kenji asked halfway through dinner when he still hadn't uttered a single word.

He still didn't talk, glancing around the table without ever looking at me.

Was this how it was going to be from now on? Only one of us could be at family dinner at a time? Wouldn't be able to hang out with all the roommates at once or he wouldn't feel comfortable uttering a single word? Would I just never hear his voice again because he wasn't willing to talk to me? Not even to me, but he wouldn't even talk to anybody if I was in the same room as him.

I didn't even do anything wrong, I don't think, and yet I was still losing one of the best friends I ever had.

Scooting away from the table, I grabbed my plate that was still mostly full and started for the stairs.

"I have to get started on some homework," I announced before bolting for the stairs so that nobody could see the way my face was contorting with some mix of dread and panic.

I'd done everything I could think of to restore our friendship and maybe I shouldn't have kissed him, but what did it matter? He wasn't talking to me before that anyway.

I sat the fried rice on my desk but my stomach was too upset to allow me to swallow any of it. Instead, I paced my room, tugging at my hair wondering if I could even get through the rest of this semester without losing my mind if it was going to be like this.

Then, just before the tears in my eyes flowed passed their breaking point, there was a timid knock at my door.