Trigger warning: There are implications of self harm & blood imagery in this chapter. If you are not in a safe space right now, I advice you to either stop reading or to skip to chapter 4. Please take care of yourself!

James

I thought nothing would have made my day better. Clearly, I had been wrong. Where were my other friends when I needed them? I guess I can't blame them, especially since I tend to snap at others when I am in a bad mood. But this is why I don't trust any of them. I wouldn't call them my friends, I'd call them my acquaintances. To me, they are just people I hang out with in school so that I am not alone. Sometimes we have fun, but we rarely tell each other about what is going on in our lives. We avoid talking about it actually, so we don't know each other at all. The things I talked to them about were always game or school related, nothing else. I don't think that there's anything wrong with that, after all, we made quite a few good memories together. I just... I'm not so sure if they will be there for me when I need them.

It's kind of sad, since it feels like other than Jessica, I have no one to talk to about the shit that goes on inside my head. Well, I mean... Now I have Daisy, I guess. But I don't know how to open up to her just yet. But she's willing to wait until the time comes.

My phone starts playing our favourite song, so I know who it is. My face lights up to match the brightness of the screen.

Contact name: The Other J 🥰

Jessica: Hey Jamie. She looks really pretty! Omg, I wish I were her. I'm glad to hear you made a new friend 😆

James: Yea, I still don't trust her fully. But I can see us being friends. See you this Saturday. Love you❤️

I anticipate her next message as I watch the three dots move up and down like a little caterpillar.

My heart plummets and falls into the pit of my stomach. Time seems to come to a stop.

Jessica: James, I'm sorry. I can't meet up this Saturday. Something came up. I'm really sorry. We'll meet another time, okay? You can tell me all about her on call tonight 😣

James: ok.

Jessica: Thank you for being so understanding, I'm so sorry. I love you too babe❤️

I stare at her last message, with the heart next to it. I touch the screen as if I can feel the love through it. How I wish I can just... teleport next to her. It's been forever since I last saw her. Is she really that busy? I don't know why, but I feel a bit anxious. She has been so distant lately, even though we still call every night. On call, it felt like she wasn't listening to what I had to say.

But I already know that she is busy studying for her finals, since they are so near. She must've been so tired staying up all night and burning the midnight oil. So it makes sense why she seems distracted, she must've been so tired that she could barely function. She has always been strict on herself about her grades, because she wants to make her parents proud, even though they never really pressured her about them. Yet, she is still making the effort and using her precious studying time to call me.

Despite knowing all of this, despite knowing that I am being selfish, I wish that she didn't study so much. I wish that she hadn't cancelled on me for Saturday. I stare at the box, with the necklace in it. I had spent so long staring at necklaces until they all started to look the same, just to pick this out for her.

I inhale deeply. It's fine. It's fine. I'll just. See her another time. My shoulders slump, a heavyweight upon them. I'm not disappointed at all. I can't be disappointed. As long as she's okay and I can call her, I should be happy.

So why was it so, so hard to see the bright side of things?

. . .

"Where the fuck did you go?" Aaron demands, tapping his foot. "It's way past your curfew." His eyes are narrowed into slits, arms akimbo. I roll my eyes and shove him aside, before locking myself in my room. I don't want to see his face. I already had to tolerate it for a few seconds at the door. I didn't expect to be this petty, but I am still mad at him about yesterday. And I just received the shittiest news of my life. I can't deal with him today.

"James!" he bellows after me. I don't want to deal with his bullshit. My dear fucking brother, he always thinks that just because he's the older one he has the right to order me around. For fucks sake he's only 4 years older. Tch. Why do I have to report to him about where I go? Why do I even have a curfew? I'm already old enough to take care of myself. I may not be of age, but my mind already is. I was forced to grow up fast. He needs to stop trying to control me, the more he tries the more I want to rebel. Ever since... she left, he tried to take her place. It annoys me. I don't want him to take her place. No one can. Not even him.

"James!" he pounds on my door. The handle rattles and the walls surrounding it shakes. God. He's an irritating fly. No matter how much I swat it away, it keeps coming back.

"James!" Are you fucking serious?

"James!" AGHHHH. THAT'S IT!

"SHUT UP AND LEAVE!" The silence satisfies me. Though, I can't shake the distasteful feeling even when I am watching YouTube. After a while, the silence is no longer satisfying. What if... I went too far?

. . .

Knock, knock, knock.

"James? Dinner," Aaron says reproachfully, I don't need to see his face to hear it in his voice. If I see his face right now I think I will still punch it, and then I will regret it after. I need to avoid dinner.

"I don't want to eat. I'm not hungry. I already had dinner," It would've worked. It usually did. Usually, I'd just eat the instant noodles that are always in the cupboard. But today my stomach betrays me, letting out a very loud growl.

Only the sound of clinking of plates and utensils fills the air. I hate this silence. It is tense, it is angry, full of things unsaid. I avoid having dinner with him as much as I can for this reason. But I'd rather not have any conversations. I'd rather live with the silence. Especially with him. Just eat. Finish eating, and back into the room. The usual routine. The familiar quiet. Almost done...

"James?" Aaron asks tentatively. Keep eating. Ignore him. Ignore him. I scarf down a piece of chicken. Clunk. Aaron rests his cutlery on the table. What does he want now? To apologise? Who am I kidding, he will never apologise.

"James. I can't afford this place anymore. We have to find somewhere else. With cheaper rent," I stop biting at the chicken, my mouth is half-open. What? What?? He can't just do that. He can't. First my allowance, now this shit? Hasn't he had enough?

"Please, James. For fucking once, please?" Aaron is pleading with me. I nearly laugh at the irony. Even when begging me he still must sound annoyed at me. He has always been annoyed with me. Just how low is he going to go just to get on my nerves? He knows why we're still living here. He clearly is just fooling around with me. He can't be serious. He already cut my allowance. How far is he going to go, when will it be enough? Does he just want me to suffer? I look around for a hidden camera. I know it has to be a joke. It has to be a prank. You can't trick me, Aaron. Aaron, you, out of all people, should understand.

This is the only piece of her we have left.

"We. Are. Not. Moving," Silence hangs in the air. Heavy. Like everything always is in this house. Aaron sighs and nods his head.

"Fine. Fine. I'll figure something out," There's a tinge of annoyance in his voice, which he does not try to hide. For once, he gave in so quickly. I knew it. He was joking. Why did he have to go so far for a prank? It isn't funny, Aaron. I swallow the chicken and kick my chair back, causing it to screech loudly, in case he didn't get the memo that I didn't think it was a joke. Aaron flinches. A small part of me smirks. I shake my head, grab my empty plate and stand up. Avoid eye contact. Avoid eye contact. Avoid eye contact --

His head is buried in his palms. What? Why? No, no. Don't fall for it. It's a trap. To make you agree to his scheme. To make you feel bad. No. He's emotionally blackmailing you. I shake my head. Don't. Just leave. I shamble into the bathroom, and grip onto both ends of the sink, gazing into my reflection. Don't give in. Don't give in--

My eyes land on the corner of the sink. My heart misses a beat. The hell is that? Please don't be what I think it is. It's not. Right? My shaking hands pick it up. It can't be. No, it can't. I must be just overthinking. Yeah, that's it, I'm overthinking. Maybe he uses this for some kind of school project. Or to cut open delivery boxes. Yeah. I exhale heavily.

Who am I kidding? Who the fuck would need this for a school project? Where the fuck did he even get this from? My legs seem to be sinking deep into quicksand. Almost like it's going to drag me inside and trap me there forever.

"James, you forgot--" Aaron's eyes fix onto what's in my hands. Yeah, that's right I can ask him! It...he doesn't use it for what I think he uses it for. Probably. He probably uses it for something else, definitely not what I'm thinking he uses it for. It can't be what I'm thinking. But then...why is he like a deer in the headlights? I'm shuddering uncontrollably, I can barely see. My vision is all blurry from the shaking.

"What is this?" I mutter, my voice barely audible.

"Where did you get-?" His hand reaches out. His eyes are bloodshot. No, no. No, no, no. Please. Please. Maybe he didn't hear me. I wasn't loud enough. Please. It must be that I wasn't loud enough. He must have an answer. Please. Please. Please.

"I said! What is this?" My voice is now an octave higher.

"It's nothing! Nothing! Give it!" I swipe my hand away, out of his reach. No. No. No... My heart sinks into my gut. No...

"You... don't use it, do you?" I stammer, hoping against hope. Please.

"Give it!" He reaches out again, his other hand now clenching onto my shoulder so tight that my shoulder is nearly numb.

"DO YOU?" I holler. I pry his hand off me and grab both of his wrists and turn them around. A wave of relief rushes over me. I drop his hands like they are hot stones. My breathing is unsteady. I had been overthinking. Just overthinking. I stumble backward slightly. Relief sweeping in with waves. Tears sting my eyes. I couldn't stand it if I was right. I'm so glad I wasn't right.

Doubt. Doubt creeps into me. Flickering. Like a tiny flame refusing to be put out. 'Are you sure?' It whispers into my ear.

I grab him by his shoulder and forcefully roll up his sleeve. The blade falls to the floor. Scars. So many scars. Dried blood. So much dried blood. And...fresh blood. Fresh blood oozing out of those fresh, new, recently cut, wounds. My heart plummets. I blink twice. I must be dreaming. It's all a dream. Ahahahhaha. Hahahahahahahahaha. Please be a dream. Please. I pinch myself and wince. But the blood stains my own hands. I step backward. This can't be.

Aaron seizes the blade, and flits into his room. Slam!

I...I...I don't know... My knees give way, and I slump to the floor. Why? But, why? Why would he? What for? Why? Since when? Why didn't he tell me? How did I not notice? Why didn't I-? Why? Thoughts swarmed my head. Fighting, colliding with one another. Fighting for my attention. I know why. I know the answer. Because as much as I feel like I'm torn to pieces, as much as I am trapped and chained, Aaron, Aaron. Aaron was too. Perhaps even more. No, so much more. I just refused to see it. Refused to admit it. Even though it was right in front of me this whole time. I'm so stupid. So, so stupid.

The crack on my heart travels deeper. The sky is greyer than ever before. So much for hope.

"Hey, Aaron," I lean against his closed door. "We can move. Let's move," I mutter, as I slowly slide down his door. I won't close my eyes anymore. We need each other.

After all, that's all we have left.