taehyung's flashback

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02/14/19

the thing about dating someone who's clearly emotionally unavailable is that you feel much more alone when you're with them than when you're on your own.

and that's exactly how it felt like dating park jimin.

no, he wasn't a bad person. he respected my decisions. he never forced me to do anything or even asked me for anything. he didn't make me feel bad about myself by insulting me, didn't tell me to change a single thing about myself. he didn't use me for sex. he never, ever used my weaknesses against me or took advantage of me at my lowest.

but he never asked about me, my interests, my dislikes. he wouldn't even text me at all aside from "good morning" if i didn't start a conversation after that. he would never ask what i'm doing. he would much rather spend time writing, reading or working than talk to me. even a one-hour call a day would've been okay.

he would tell me to leave because he's tired whenever i'd show up at his doorstep sometimes. i would always call him first before coming over, but that didn't really do anything 'cause he never answered. never called me back either because he would always ignore the voicemails i'd sent him.

we only saw each other once or twice a month even though we lived merely thirty minutes by car from one another. he only called me once a week and that's only if he wasn't working or studying.

i spent more time with my friends and my dog than i ever did with him. and yet that only made me want him more.

i've always been attracted to those i cannot have. and park jimin was surely worse than that. he was mine but he wasn't at the same time.

it fucked me up.

so i waited and i waited and i waited. dating him for nine months without any sort of intimacy between the two of us at all, i lasted. i thought i was willing to wait until he opened up to me. until he let me in and at least tried to love me.

i was understanding that he wasn't ready for me or the fire i burned for him, because that fire was too familiar and he has been burned by it too many times by different people. i was willing to stand by him as he healed himself, hoping that one day, he'll learn to love again.

and that he'll choose me.

but when valentine's day came, and i was left standing in the rain, looking at my phone in the middle of the sidewalk somewhere in the city, staring at a text that said, "my poetry reading apparently got rescheduled to today instead of next week. don't go to the arcade. call you for an hour later instead. sorry," something inside of me broke.

jimin and i only ever went on about three dates throughout the many months that we've been dating. this valentine's day would've been the fourth. and it's been what? three months since the third?

to say i was infuriated would be an understatement. i was there, on my way to this stupid arcade where he and i met each other. i haven't been that happy in a long time. i was practically skipping. and there he was, choosing a stupid poetry reading club over his boyfriend who had been nothing but understanding and patient.

i was kind. i was in love. but i had my limits.

i wouldn't defend what i did because i know it was wrong. i did it out of spite. and i lost myself in the process. it was my first time after all, and yet i merely gave it away to some guy i met at a bar downtown like i, myself, was just a rugged toy.

i hated it. but it felt like i was punishing jimin as much as i was punishing me for being stupid all those months for a boy who wouldn't even spare me a glance.

i knew a part of jimin wanted to be my first, as much as he didn't show it. and i knew that the longer we waited, the better it would've felt, the hungrier and more desperate we both would've been.

but i took that away from us.