A/N: Hi everyone! Please read this author's note in its entirety, it's important. This chapter comes with a hefty TW, for suicidal ideation combined with a situation in which an attempt could have been made. Suicide is not truly attempted in this chapter, but all of the thoughts and emotions that came before and after a dangerous situation in the Astronomy Tower are present and discussed. If you are at all sensitive to the subject of suicide, please proceed with caution and heed the following warnings. If it's in your best interest to not read this chapter right now, that's okay, it will be here whenever you are in a better place. I'm going to do my best to provide a detailed warning now so that this chapter is accessible to anyone who wants to read as much of this chapter as possible without being triggered.

If you'd like to avoid the suicidal spiral entirely and only read about the healing process, you should stop reading at Line A and continue reading again at Line B:

Line A (STOP READING HERE): I stole from the room, something dark and unknown seeming to possess me. I was utterly unaware of what was going on in my mind, in my soul, but my feet seemingly moved of their own accord. My conscious mind couldn't keep up with whatever commands my unconscious mind was barking, but before I knew it, I found myself in the Astronomy Tower.Line B (START READING AGAIN HERE): Carter reached for my hand and held it gently in his. "One step at a time, Cass. You do it one step at a time. You do your homework. You eat. You sleep. You play Quidditch. You work on figuring out Myrtle's books, because I know you feel best when you're helping someone else. And — " Carter squeezed my hand. "You talk to us about this. You're not going to be left alone, not for a very long time, we're going to figure out a system so that someone is physically with you at all times after tonight, but Cass, please, talk to us. Talk to me."

And if you'd rather not read about the immediate aftermath and instead read about Cass once the healing process is officially underway, you should stop reading at Line A and continue reading again at Line C:

Line A (STOP READING HERE): I stole from the room, something dark and unknown seeming to possess me. I was utterly unaware of what was going on in my mind, in my soul, but my feet seemingly moved of their own accord. My conscious mind couldn't keep up with whatever commands my unconscious mind was barking, but before I knew it, I found myself in the Astronomy Tower.Line C (START READING AGAIN HERE): To my relief, my Monday after the Hospital Wing shaped up to be a fairly typical one, aside from how exhausted I was from staying awake all night. I was even somewhat glad when I got taunted by older Gryffindors in the halls, because as much as I hated it, for obvious reasons, I was glad for just a little bit of normalcy after the intensely abnormal weekend I'd had.

If you'd like to avoid only the dangerous situation in the Astronomy Tower itself, you should stop reading at Line 1 and continue reading again at Line 2:

Line 1: I stole from the room, something dark and unknown seeming to possess me. I was utterly unaware of what was going on in my mind, in my soul, but my feet seemingly moved of their own accord. My conscious mind couldn't keep up with whatever commands my unconscious mind was barking, but before I knew it, I found myself in the Astronomy Tower.Line 2: "I haven't seen you with your Walkman in ages," Carter remarked. "Did it stop working again?"

If anyone would like me to offer a more personalized reading experience, please comment, and I'd be happy to give you a more detailed breakdown of this chapter that will help you avoid your specific triggers. I want this story to be as safe and accessible as possible even though this chapter has particularly dark subject matter.

I'm sure a couple of you are wondering why I'd tackle something like this, especially considering how much effort I've devoted to making this TW, so I figured I'd explain a little bit of that too. I promise that the way Cass struggles with suicidality serves an important narrative purpose. This struggle is central to her character, though I feel like it is important to emphasize that she is more, so much more, than just her struggles, and you are too. This is not something I'd undertake lightly or thoughtlessly. Mental health struggles are always valid, regardless of age, and that's something that I felt was important to explore. I've struggled with suicidality from a very young age, I was even younger than Cass is in this chapter when I started struggling, so I promise I will handle this topic with all of the tact and sensitivity I possess while making it as truthful to my own experiences as possible.

Lastly, if any of you are struggling with something this heavy, you're not alone. It gets better. I know how cheesy that sounds but I promise it's true. As someone who's been there, as someone who has struggled intensely with darkness like this, I promise it gets better. You have to be what saves you. You can do it. I know you can. There's nothing wrong with reaching out for help when you need it. You have to want to get better before you will ever get better, though. It's not as scary as it seems, I promise. If you're in crisis, offers resources for finding help. It gets better. You will be okay. I promise.

Without any further ado, I present Chapter 268, which all in all is not as dark as this TW may have made it seem. Just like the rest of this story, there is light and hope and love and courage even in the darkest times. It will all be okay. I promise. Thank you for being here. I love you so very much.

🩵💛❤️💜🩷

CASS:

The incessant ringing of a nearby alarm yanked me from a nightmare into reality, which hadn't been much better, as of late. But at least reality was dry, and in reality, I could breathe. My nightmares always happened underwater.

"Good morning, Cass!" Lily chirped as she turned off the alarm. "How are you?"

I rolled over to face her, pulling the covers to my chin. "Morning. Glad it's Friday. I can hide all weekend, no classes."

Lily frowned and opened her mouth to speak, but I beat her to it.

"How'd you sleep?" I asked.

"Alright. How'd you sleep?"

"Alright," I lied.

I pushed myself to a sitting position and stretched my aching muscles.

Lily gasped. "What happened to your hand?"

"Oh." I lowered my hands to see for myself what had concerned Lily. Sure enough, the left side of my left hand was rather bruised, and it had swollen overnight. "I got clipped by a Bludger last night. Pat missed one, it just grazed my hand. It could have been much worse, really."

"Cass, it's all black and blue," Lily protested. "You really ought to go to the Hospital Wing."

I shook my head. "It's alright, it's just a bruise." I sighed. "Lily, trust me, after the month I've had, I'd know if something was actually horribly wrong."

Lily looked unconvinced, but conceded. When she turned to get ready, I squeezed my eyes shut and let myself briefly wallow in the misery of my injured hand, then crawled out of bed myself and started going about preparing for the day.

I was no stranger to broken bones anymore, and Lily knew it. Everyone knew it.

It all started when Frank chose me as the third Gryffindor Chaser, alongside James and Marlene. I didn't get more than a couple of seconds of stunned disbelief following the announcement before the backlash started. The older Gryffindors wanted to know what was so special about three second-years, especially me, a Muggle-born second-year who had only ever flown a broom for the first time a year prior. Frank staunchly defended all three of us, maintaining that our exemplary teamwork was far more important than our individual skills and therefore we were the best fit for the team, but nothing he said could subdue the angry crowd. When one particularly menacing-looking sixth-year started heading in my direction, Frank told us to get out of there and promised that he'd take care of it and apologized for the debacle and congratulated us once again, so the three of us wasted no time in hurrying up to our respective dormitories.

Frank tried, really he did, but outrage spread like wildfire overnight. Before I could even get down to the Great Hall for breakfast the next morning, I was informed of the nickname given to me by the angered older Gryffindors, Cass the Clown. It didn't feel great, for obvious reasons, but even in my wounded pride I had to admit that it was juvenile. I assured myself it would blow over soon, once I'd proven myself on the Quidditch Pitch, and I resolved to do just that as I walked into the Great Hall with my head held high.

And then I was promptly met with a spell to the face from the direction of the Slytherin table that broke my nose upon impact, and so began my month of torture.

No one knew who cast the first spell against me, but it didn't matter. Once the first spell was cast, there was no stopping anyone, Gryffindor or Slytherin.

The Gryffindors thought it was funny to make me look ridiculous, and thus deserving of my nickname. I was tripped, knocked into walls, hit with Tickling Charms and Melfors Jinxes and Bat-Bogey Hexes. The Slytherins, on the other hand, were actually out for blood, my Mud blood, calling me slurs in the halls and cursing me every chance they had with the worst spells they knew, most often of the bone-breaking variety. I wondered if they were determined to break every bone in my body, one at a time, starting with my nose and working their way down. Whenever older Gryffindors happened to be around me when Slytherins were attacking me in that way, they did defend me, but it was in a "She's ours to torment, leave her alone" way that I didn't really appreciate for obvious reasons.

My friends did the best they could to help me — James, Marlene, Sirius, and Remus formed a protective bubble around me when we were in the corridors between classes, and Carter told me that every time he or Keira or Daphne overheard someone being awful to me, they were quick to send a retaliatory hex in the bully's direction, and Lily and Peter and Mary always helped me catch up on what I missed in class when I was too busy getting mended in the Hospital Wing to attend — but they were all ultimately powerless when it came to stopping the sheer force of the anger everyone felt. I learned that Frank was a member of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, so his appointment of me to the team was already seen as a disgrace and his defense of me was even more insulting to his blood status. I learned, too, that the Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry stretched all the way back to the foundation of Hogwarts, and thus the members of both houses were always looking for an excuse for a fight. I hated being trapped in the middle of the centuries-long feud, especially for the crime of caring about Quidditch and working hard enough to excel at it, but there was nothing I could do. Frank felt awful, and even told me at one point that I was welcome to leave the team if I wanted, but he was so sweet and earnest as he promised that he'd never stop defending me and assured me that I was brave and talented and an important contributor to the team that I couldn't bring myself to back down and bow out. I was a Gryffindor. Besides, I couldn't bring myself to disappoint the small but loyal group that always went to bat for me.

The harassment was constant, something happened nearly every day at the hands of either Gryffindors or Slytherins, occasionally both, though certain incidents were more traumatic than others.

My anxiety often made me sick to my stomach, and I left class one time when my nausea threatened to overcome me. I started running to the nearest bathroom, but luck wasn't on my side — a Slytherin prefect happened to be walking by, and he grabbed me by the robes and pinned me to the wall, making threats I couldn't even hear over the sound of the scream that tore from my throat. Before the prefect could make good on any of his threats, Carter's wand was jabbed into the side of his neck, and the prefect fell to the ground unconscious, dropping me in the process. I got sick all over the prefect's robes, and Carter laughed and called it justice as he helped me to my feet and walked with me to the nearest bathroom so I could wash my mouth out.

Walking around the castle always posed a threat to me, but actually being in class was a safe haven — with one exception. About a week after the incident with the Slytherin prefect, I was sitting in Transfiguration when a Bludger smashed through one of Professor McGonagall's windows and made a beeline right for me. I ducked out of the way, but rather than just hurtling past me, it changed course and slammed into me from the side, knocking me out of my desk onto the floor. It would have continued pummeling me if Professor McGonagall hadn't known the counter-spell to stop its assault. Sirius walked with me to the Hospital Wing after that, which resulted in him getting in between me and a Slytherin's spell that was intended for me. He assured me it wasn't my fault and he didn't regret it, soothing me as best he could as I cried in his arms in the Hospital Wing — once Madam Pomfrey had mended his broken arm and my broken ribs, of course — but it haunted me, the fact that he'd gotten hurt because of me.

So yeah, I was looking forward to the weekend. On weekends, I could hide in my dormitory and lock the door with a spell that I'd discovered in one of the books in the Potter library over summer. Rather than having a counter-spell, a knocking password was needed to open the door — it was the same spell, apparently, that existed around the entrance to the Hufflepuff common room. My friends all knew how to get in, they just had to tap out a rhythm from the William Tell Overture, which Mary had played during her summer camp, but no one else knew how to get in, so the dormitory was my haven on weekends. I never left, because Frank was kind enough to schedule practices during the week so that, if nothing else, my weekends were safe and sacred.

I was looking forward to the weekend, but little did I know that the week had one more cruel surprise in store for me.

I made it all the way to Potions, the last class of the day, without any major incidents. I should have known it was too good to be true, really, but there had been rare days in the past where I was allowed a bit of respite, so I wasn't as alert as I should have been. I was just putting the finishing touches on my Hair-Raising Potion when something went flying across the room, directly into my cauldron. Before I could so much as wonder what it was, my potion exploded, dousing me in something red and sticky that burned.

The class descended into chaos as I stumbled backward, trying to scrub the substance from my face.

I was only distantly aware of James and Sirius shouting and trying to make their way over to me, but Professor Slughorn got to me first, vanishing the remnants of my potion with a flick of his wand and studying my face.

"It's alright, Cassidy dear, run along to the Hospital Wing, I'll find out who's responsible for this," he assured me calmly. He turned away from me and straightened up, raising his voice. "No one leaves this room until the culprit comes forward!"

Face still burning, I grabbed my bag without looking at anyone and walked out of the room as fast as I could. As soon as the heavy dungeon door closed behind me, I started to run. I didn't even bother with the Hospital Wing, I just wanted to get out, out, out, out, out.

I thought about running to the Black Lake, the same way I always did, but I wanted a new place to hide, a new place to breathe, a new place farther away from it all where I could just exist without fear, a new place farther away from it all where I could exist without shame.

Once I got out onto the grounds, I sprinted in the direction of the distant hills. I didn't even care that it looked like it was about to rain. No, not just rain, thunderstorm. Part of me even hoped it would.

I slowed to a walk when I reached the base of the first hill. I thought about climbing it, but I thought I was more likely to be seen if I did, so I wove my way through the maze of hills for a couple minutes before I decided on a suitably distant hill to climb.

At the top of that hill, I found a little brook. The water tumbled over the rocks, and it made such a musical sound as it did so. A couple of brave little pink and purple flowers still bloomed, the last soldiers in the face of the approaching winter. The sight was so lovely I had no choice but to stay there. I dropped to the ground, shed my bag, pulled my knees to my chest, and cried, still scrubbing at my face.

I hated how comforting I found the water. I hated that I found so much comfort in what could have killed me. I hated that I didn't hate the water for taking Bradley from me. I hated that I kept going back to the water, over and over again. I hated that I didn't hate showering. I hated that I still went down to the Black Lake for comfort, the same way I had during my first year at school, as if nothing had changed when in fact everything had changed, and for the worse. I hated that I had deliberately gone into the hills to find a new safe place, far away from it all, and I still found myself at the water. I hated that I was so comforted by the water. I hated myself.

When the skies opened, I didn't move. I just laid down on my back and let the rain wash away whatever was still clinging to my skin. I didn't make my way back to the castle until night started falling, because I was, unfortunately, with no small amount of self-loathing resistance, so soothed by the water all around me.

I was en route to the Gryffindor common room when my path crossed with Ivy's.

"Follow me," she hissed at me.

I nodded, not about to reply to her in Parseltongue and somehow draw an even bigger target on my back, and let her lead me to Carter, who was anxiously tapping his wand against his leg. He stopped abruptly when he saw me.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The concern in his voice made me feel so guilty I wanted to just disappear. "I'm sorry."

"Are you okay?" Carter repeated, crossing the abandoned corridor to get a closer look at me.

"No one found me, if that's what you're asking. Today's only incident was the exploding cauldron," I said.

Carter sighed. "Alright. So if you didn't go to the Hospital Wing, where did you go?"

"Wandered the grounds." I shrugged. "I didn't want to be found."

"Clearly. We checked all of the regular spots, but — "

"We?" I interrupted, confused.

"Yes, your friends love you." Carter narrowed his eyes at me. "Don't be dense, Cass, it doesn't suit you."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm going to start one of those Muggle swear jars, but it'll be for every time you apologize."

I wrung my hands in front of me. "Sorry."

"Stop." Carter stepped forward and wrapped me in a hug. "You'd better run along to your common room, they were all going to head up there once they'd combed the castle. I'm guessing they don't know about your escapades to the Black Lake?"

"No. You're the only one who knows I go down there, and you only know because you found me there."

Carter nodded to himself and let me go. "Well, next time you decide to be absolutely fucking daft, please wait for me to catch up with you so you're not daft and alone."

"Right. Sorry."

"Cass."

"Right. Apologies."

"Cass."

I grinned a bit at him, just a bit.

He sighed and hugged me again before gently shoving me away. "Go, leave, before I slap you, you cheeky git."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going, I love you too," I replied.

Carter said something to Ivy in Parseltongue that I couldn't quite make out, but when I turned over my shoulder a minute later and saw her following me from a distance, I was reasonably sure I'd figured out the phrase for "Ivy, follow her, just to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid on the way back to her common room, that daft cow." Or something like that.

Once I'd reached the portrait, I called a soft "Thanks, Ivy" before saying the password and hopping through the hole. When I didn't see any of my friends in the common room, I hastily made my way up to my dormitory.

"Cass!" James shouted, throwing himself on top of me in a hug the second I appeared in the doorway.

"Where have you been?" Lily demanded from somewhere behind him. "We couldn't find you anywhere!"

James didn't let go of me even as he started explaining. "We went to the Hospital Wing to check on you and Madam Pomfrey said you hadn't been there at all so we headed up here thinking you'd be here but you weren't so then Mary and Lily stayed here while we searched the rest of the castle but you weren't anywhere in the castle either and — wait, why are you all wet? Cass, it's a thunderstorm out there, it's not safe for you to be outside dancing in the rain during a thunderstorm!"

"I wasn't dancing," I mumbled, prying myself away from James, face burning anew as I looked around at my Gryffindor friends, who had all gathered in the dormitory. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry anyone, I just needed to get as far away from..." I sighed. "I was just wandering the grounds and it didn't occur to me that I should head back until it started getting dark. I'm sorry."

"It was Athena Selwyn, by the way," Marlene piped up. "She wouldn't say what exactly she'd thrown into your cauldron, but Sluggy figured out it was her. She got two weeks of detention."

"She should have more, if you ask me," Lily groused. "She could have seriously hurt you, and everyone around you!"

Remus groaned. "Lily — "

"Don't fret, Remus, I don't even feel like making the Sirius joke," Sirius said grumpily. "For what it's worth, I agree with Lily, two weeks of detention isn't enough. I want to get her back."

"How?" Peter asked. "If you throw something in her potion, you'll just get in trouble too."

"No, no, I intend to be far more clever than that. Come on, Pete, that's insulting! Hmm." Sirius propped his chin in his hand. "I could sneak into her dormitory, and — "

"Stop, it's not worth it," I protested.

"Don't be ridiculous, Cass, of course it is! She could have killed you!"

"That's nothing new," I muttered.

James sighed. "Unfortunately, yes, it's nothing new, but we know who did it this time, and revenge is possible, and dare I say revenge would be easy. It's just a matter of what, and how, and — "

I opened my mouth to protest again, but Sirius cut me off.

"If we knew who sent the Bludger after you, Cass, we would have gotten revenge on that person too. Stop trying to take the high road and let us fight for you a little, yeah?"

"I don't — " I tried to say, but I was interrupted by Remus.

"We have to be careful about this, because if we're not, Cass could end up being blamed for it, which would just make everything worse," he said.

Lily sighed. "Now that Cass is back, I'm going to head down to dinner. Anyone else want to come with me?"

"I will," Mary said softly, getting to her feet. She offered me a small smile. "I'm glad you're okay, Cass."

"Sorry, boys, I'm hungry too," Marlene said. "Cass? You want me to bring anything up for you?"

I gripped my head in my hands, feeling overwhelmed and just wanting the world to wait for me to catch up and catch my breath. "Just — stop, please, for a second."

"What's wrong?" James asked gently.

"I don't — I don't want to put anyone else in danger," I managed. "You all need to — to stop associating with me."

Remus sighed. "Cass — "

"Please," I said desperately, dropping my hands and looking around at everyone. "It's a miracle that my cauldron exploding didn't hurt anyone. I don't know what I'd do with myself if someone got seriously — I mean, severely injured just because they were my friend. Please, stop associating with me, as much as you can, I don't want — Sirius, you got your arm broken, and you all could have gotten hurt today — "

"So?" Sirius interrupted. "None of this is your fault, Cass, people are just being pricks to you. If you think we're just going to let you fend for yourself out there — "

"I can handle myself," I argued. "No one knew where I was this afternoon, not you, not the Slytherins, no one. I can just keep hiding. And I can protect myself, I got top marks in DADA last year with Carter and — and I just — I'd never forgive myself if something awful happened to any of you just because you were too close to me. Please, just — it's for your own good — "

"And what about your own good? Cass, please, stop," James begged.

"It doesn't even make logistical sense anyway," Lily said. "You can't just stop going to class, and you more or less have no choice but to walk with us, unless you, I don't know, discover magical secret staircases that get you where you need to go faster than we'd get there."

"Evans, you're a genius," James declared.

Lily blinked. "For what, posing an impossibility?"

"Very little is actually impossible, Evans, especially where magic is concerned," Sirius replied.

Remus, who was sprawled on the floor on his stomach, scrambled to his feet, tugging a piece of parchment out of his book bag as he did so. "You two know the layout of the castle the best, help me draw a map for her."

"I'm not any good with maps," I tried to say, but no one paid me any mind.

"There are actual secret staircases in the castle?" Lily asked.

"Oh, yeah, loads," Marlene confirmed.

"I doubt they'd get you everywhere you need to go, Cass, but I reckon it'd help with the vast majority of your inter-class travels," Sirius said.

I shook my head. "It's okay, you don't have to — "

"We're not leaving you alone," James interrupted. "However, we could all benefit from sneaking around the secret staircases instead of — I don't know — "

"Throwing you to the wolves every day," Lily finished for him.

I looked down at my shoes so that I didn't look at Remus. Of all of the Muggle expressions in the world to use in that moment, Lily had done quite a wonderful job of choosing the worst possible one. It wasn't her fault, not in the slightest, but goodness.

"Anyway, as much as it pains me to admit this, they're right," Lily continued. "We're not leaving you alone, but that doesn't mean we can't look for ways to keep us all safer, since you're so worried about it."

The girls headed down to dinner while I stayed with the boys, watching silently as they made a list of all of the staircases we could use, once I explained that I wasn't great with maps and I'd truthfully just be more confused by a map. A list, though, in order of our class schedule... that could be helpful. When the girls got back from dinner, the boys left the list with me and headed down to the Great Hall. I wasn't terribly hungry, guilt and shame still squirming uncomfortably in the pit of my stomach, but I managed to eat a bit of the food they all brought back up for me, at James and Lily's insistence.

Though they were far from friends, since Lily was still so close with Severus, James and Lily certainly had a way of putting aside their differences and working together to ensure everyone was happy and healthy when trouble arose. I'd first seen it in action after a particularly bad full moon the year before, one that confined Remus to his bed for a couple of days with a concussion. I was still the only one who knew the truth of his condition, so we just told the others that he had a bad migraine, but that was enough to send James and Lily into action. I had already taken it upon myself to do his homework for him, but as soon as Remus was feeling up to it, Lily diligently taught him everything he'd missed so that my work could pass for his own once he returned to class. James was more practical, in a manner of speaking, by reminding Remus not to waste away in bed without doing anything to make himself feel better. He made sure Remus always had a full glass of water and all of the chocolate bars he could possibly want, as well as a clean jumper to don every day and more filling food whenever he had the stomach for it.

I was their latest... was there only one word to describe what it was like to be loved so intensely by Lily and James? Victim? Target? Quandary? Case? Child, even? Whatever it was, I was it. Remus had teased me about it at first, glad they were off his back, but he, like me, fell into step alongside the duo and saw to it that I always had a chocolate bar in my pocket and a book in my hands, because there was very little in the world that was so bad that chocolate and reading couldn't help, even if it was just a little bit.

As if I didn't have my hands full with the intense concern of Carter, James, Lily, and Remus, I was almost dropping off to sleep that night when my curtains were yanked aside.

I lunged for my wand, but none other than Sirius Black laid his hand on top of mine.

"Easy, love, it's just me," he whispered. "Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you, I was just rather — excited isn't the right word. Inspired?"

"Inspired by what?" I whispered back.

"You really ought to be comfortable on the hidden staircases before you attempt to navigate any, just in case we need to make a quick getaway. Come on, now's the best time to do it, just you and me and the invisibility cloak in the middle of the night."

I wanted to argue, really I did, I was cozy, but I couldn't. Sirius was — unfortunately — rather correct.

"Alright," I whispered. "Let me get shoes on first. I don't love the idea of running around the castle in my socks."

Sirius blinked, opened his mouth, blinked, closed it. "Cass, darling, kindly get out of bed at once."

I complied, sitting on the edge of my bed, confused when his eyes locked on my feet.

"You wear socks to bed?" he whispered in what could only be described as abject horror.

"Yeah?" I replied. "My feet get cold and I can't sleep otherwise."

"Are you even human?"

"Fuck you."

Sirius clicked his tongue at me. "Only if you ask nicely."

"Oh, fuck off."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Telling you to 'please' fuck off defeats the purpose of demanding that you fuck off in the first place."

"You know what, I can't argue with that, Socks," Sirius replied.

I flipped him off and walked to my trunk, tugging my sneakers on and whispering the spell to tie the laces. I flashed Sirius a playful annoyed look as I let him haul me to my feet, and the two of us set off into the night underneath the invisibility cloak.

"You've never been an extrovert, but why are you suddenly so determined to seclude yourself?" Sirius asked at a normal volume once we'd slipped through the portrait hole.

"Why are you talking so loud?" I replied in a distressed whisper.

"Oh, James figured out how to charm this so we can talk freely underneath it and no one can hear. The charms have to be renewed somewhat regularly, but they're working tonight, don't worry. Anyway, nice try dodging my question. You'll have to try harder to dodge that, and you'll have to try even harder to dodge us."

I sighed. "I just don't want anyone getting hurt."

"Other than yourself, you mean?"

I couldn't find anything to say to that.

"Have you considered that we don't want you getting hurt, and the best way to do that is by all working together? Strength in numbers, and all that."

"None of you signed up for this," I mumbled.

"Well, neither did you."

"Frank should never have chosen me as the third Chaser."

Sirius scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous, Cass, I've seen you play. You're brilliant. Anyone who disagrees is an insecure prick who got hit by too many Bludgers as a child."

"All it's done is create more trouble, for myself and for everyone else," I argued. Frustrated tears burned the backs of my eyes. "I never should have tried out."

"Why did you, then?"

I sighed. "Promise not to laugh?"

"Why on earth would I laugh?" Sirius asked, surprisingly sincere.

"Because I wanted to feel more like I belonged." When Sirius was silent, I managed a laugh of my own. "That certainly backfired, didn't it? In my mind, if I could only make the team, I'd actually feel like a proper Gryffindor. Even if I wasn't the bravest of the lot, at least I'd be contributing something meaningful to Gryffindor overall, which would just have to be good enough. And then I made the team... and that didn't happen, not in the slightest. The exact opposite happened, in fact. I've never felt less like a Gryffindor."

"I'd argue you've never been more of a Gryffindor," Sirius said after a moment. "If you really weren't a Gryffindor, you would have given up by now."

"I still might."

"Why haven't you?"

"You ask a lot of questions, Sirius Black."

"Forgive me, love, but you're a fascinatingly complex person and I feel like I've only scratched the surface of getting to know you. Have you ever noticed you tend to only share information about yourself when asked?"

My silence must have answered his question, because he knocked his shoulder lightly against mine.

"It helps that I'm not afraid of being annoying. I rather relish the opportunity to be annoying, if I'm being honest. Anyway, I'm sure there's a reason you haven't given up yet. What is it?"

"There are multiple," I admitted. "I didn't quit initially because I didn't want Frank to think he made a mistake. If he was going to choose me, I didn't want to disappoint him, let alone give all of the angry people reason to believe they were right about me all along. I haven't quit yet because there's only a month until our first match, and we've been working hard, and I don't want Frank to have to scramble to try to replace me. I've been working really hard, we all have, and I don't want to force everyone to play catch-up before the Slytherin match. And... because I still want to play Quidditch. I really do love it, even though it comes with all of these unfortunate side effects. It's selfish of me, I know, but — "

"Cass, you just listed several reasons why you haven't quit yet, and only one of said reasons is because of you and what you want, so kindly shove it. Anyway, here's one of the staircases. This wall here isn't real, you can just walk right through it."

"Like Platform Nine and Three-Quarters?" I asked.

Sirius nodded. "Exactly. Marlene found this one rather by accident. She tripped, then fell against the wall, then just kept falling. She's rather clumsy when she's not on a broom, have you noticed?"

"Of course. Hearing her ask 'Where'd I get this bruise?' is a daily occurrence." I held out my hand, and, surely enough, it passed through the wall. "Is this entrance wide enough for the two of us?"

"I don't know, we've only ever ducked through it one at a time. I'll go first, since it's so dark."

Sirius reached for my hand, and I let him take it. He was right, it was dark in the hidden staircase, even with our wands lit, since they were pointed down at the stairs, but I trusted Sirius. There must have been over a hundred stairs, fortunately all in a straight line, before he stopped.

"Now this wall is solid because there's a portrait hanging on the other side," he said, "but we figured out how to get it to open. You see, the portrait is of the person who invented the Dancing Feet Charm, so you just have to do a little jig on the last couple of steps. Go on, now, give it a go."

I blinked. "You're joking."

"No, I'm — "

"Sirius — "

"Exactly."

Unable to help myself, I laughed. In the dim light of our glowing wands, Sirius grinned.

"You're the only one who still laughs at those jokes, you know," he said. "I fear everyone else is rather annoyed at this point."

"Well, I've always thought that if you have a humorous name, it's your moral obligation to make the most of it. You are talking to the unfortunate daughter of William Williams, after all."

"William Williams," Sirius repeated. "How unfortunate that such a ridiculous name was wasted on scum like your father, though I suppose there's something redeeming about the fact that I'm quite sure people have a hard time taking him seriously."

"Do you want to make the Sirius joke, or should I?" I asked.

"Be my guest, Socks."

"I've changed my mind."

Sirius laughed. "Alright, you've dawdled long enough, start dancing."

"How do I know you're telling me the truth?"

"I solemnly swear that I am telling you the truth," Sirius replied. "I'd demonstrate, but I want to make sure that you can do it yourself, in the event you're ever somehow in here alone."

I sighed. "Are there specific dance steps that I need to do?"

"No, make it as random as possible. Just throw your feet all over the last five steps or so, and it'll open after about ten seconds. Go on, then, we've got more staircases to explore."

I sighed again, then started wildly bouncing around the bottom steps, much to Sirius Black's amusement. To my relief, he was telling the truth, and the wall shimmered.

"Well done, come on," he said, and the two of us passed through the wall into a new corridor that I recognized as being several floors down from where we'd started. "So Charms is just down that way, next to the painting of the oranges, and History of Magic is one floor below us. Are you tracking with me so far? I know you still get confused by the layout of the castle."

"Carter told you?" I asked in a mumble.

"He worries. Anyway, that staircase is a one-way-only deal. You can't enter through the portrait, you can only exit through it. Our next staircase runs between the DADA classroom and the Hospital Wing. Convenient, isn't it?"

I snorted. "Very. Lead the way, mate."

"If you insist, darling. To return to my point from five minutes ago, you think far too little of yourself."

"Oh."

"And you're very smart, except for when it comes to matters in which you are involved directly."

"Sorry," I whispered.

"And you apologize too much."

"Anything else?"

"Oi." Sirius stopped and turned to face me, frowning. "No need to sound so sad and defeated. We all still love you, very much."

"But you just said..." Tears clawed their way up my throat again, to my intense humiliation. I always cried at the worst possible time.

"Merlin, Cass, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to — " Sirius sighed and hugged me. "I made a proper mess of trying to make you feel better, didn't I?"

I choked out a wet laugh. "Is that what you were doing?"

"Yes!"

Sirius sounded so sincere and so distraught that I couldn't help but laugh again.

"Sorry for crying, it's a bad habit," I said, holding onto him so I had an excuse to hide my face. "I'm a bit sensitive, in case you hadn't noticed."

Sirius patted my back. "No need to apologize. I'm a bit tactless, in case you hadn't noticed. I was trying to make you feel better, because you are in fact very much a Gryffindor and you deserve to feel like one. You're brave — don't argue, it's true, a coward would have quit the team by now — and you're daring, because you tried out for the team in the first place. But I've spent the past 13 months thinking a lot about what it means to be a Gryffindor, because we're more than just brave and daring. We can be stubborn, and noble, and maybe even a little self-sacrificial, all of which certainly applies to you. Don't let the pricks get to you — you belong in Gryffindor more than they do. You're not as reckless as most of the rest of us, but I don't think that's particularly problematic."

"Thanks, Sirius." I pulled away and wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my pajamas. "I am in fact out here with you in the middle of the night, so I think I deserve a little more credit for being reckless."

"You wound me. What could possibly be reckless about spending quality time with little old me?"

I rolled my eyes, grinning regardless, and the two of us made our way around the rest of the castle, making sure all of the hidden staircases were in good working condition. We talked about more lighthearted topics the rest of the night, such as his very-obvious crush on a Hufflepuff girl in our year and the fact that I didn't fancy anyone (which baffled him).

By the time I finally collapsed into bed — taking off my shoes before I did so, but not my socks, thank you very much — I was too tired to think about much of anything at all before sleep claimed me. Which, I supposed, was the point. Sirius Black was far more caring and clever than he let on.

🩵💛❤️💜🩷

True to my word, I started my weekend of hiding by, well, hiding. Even though I'd been out late with Sirius, my body had a distinct inability to sleep in, so I was (reluctantly) awake by eight the next morning, making me one of the first people awake in the castle. I seized advantage of the rare opportunity to walk the halls by myself and made my way outside, heading to the shores of the Black Lake without second thought. I made myself comfortable under the tree that offered me the best view of the shore, just in case anyone else was crazy enough to want to be on the shores of the lake in the pouring rain.

I'd been there alone for a couple of hours when I heard someone crunching across the gravel shores. I reached for my wand as I looked up, but I didn't bother actually grabbing it.

If there was anyone in the world crazy enough to find me on the shores of the lake in the pouring rain, it was Carter.

Without a word, he lowered himself to the grass beside me, shaking the rain from his curly hair all over me like a dog. Fortunately, I guessed he'd do that, so I shielded my essay with my body before a stray droplet could make the ink run. I'd already fixed too many words, because though I was writing beneath the shelter of a tree, it wasn't a perfect umbrella.

"Swot," Carter said affectionately. "So, what are you doing out here?"

"What does it look like I'm doing out here? Homework."

"What happened to doing it in your dormitory? You know, the place where it's warm, and dry, and safe?"

"I'm plenty safe," I protested. "You're the only one crazy enough to look for me here."

"Sirius was right, you are acting dodgy when people ask you questions."

"Gossiping about me again, were you? Did you put last night's idea in his head?"

"You know I'd never suggest that you run around the castle in the middle of the night, invisibility cloak or not. Anyway, yes, we were gossiping about you, he was worried when you were nowhere to be found, again, especially after the little speech you apparently made to your Gryffindor friends last night about wanting to be left alone. They were all worried, but Sirius was the only one with enough sense to ask me if I knew where you were."

I eyed Carter suspiciously. "And what'd you tell him?"

"That I'd find you and send you back up to your dorm before you froze to death."

"Oh? And how exactly do you plan on doing that?"

"I could always knock you out and carry you up there, but I'd really rather not. It'd attract unwanted attention, not to mention all of the annoying questions. 'What are you doing, Carter?' "Who's that, Carter?' 'Did you commit a murder, Carter?' 'Who would be foolish enough to cross you, Carter?'"

"Best not try anything at all, then," I replied. "And you've never been truly cross with me a day in your life, I have no reason to believe you'd start now."

Carter sighed. "Why are you avoiding your friends?"

"I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me," I whispered.

"Fighting back is always an option, you know," Carter said. "You don't have to just lie down and take it."

"I've been bullied before, in Muggle school. I know how to handle myself. I didn't have anyone on my side then, and I fared just fine."

Carter leveled me with a flat look.

"Okay, okay, it wasn't quite this intense," I relented. "They were all — no, they were mostly my age, and they weren't trying to break my bones. Well — they never succeeded in breaking my bones. Anyway, point being, I was fine then, and I'll be fine now."

"Forgive me for not being convinced." Carter rolled his eyes. "This isn't Muggle school. The types of people bullying you here won't start respecting you unless you start standing up for yourself. If they were going to lose interest in you, they would have by now."

"I know," I said. "I have a plan."

"Oh, that's news to me. I'm glad. You've been practicing your 'leave me the fuck alone' spells, then? I've heard that the Furnuculus Curse and Jelly-Legs Curse have a really funny effect when combined; if you cast Jelly-Legs, I'll cast Furnuculus."

"Um — I have a different plan in mind."

"You can't go wrong with a Stunning Spell, of course, but that's rather obvious — "

"That wasn't my plan either."

"What spells were you thinking, then?"

"No spells. I don't want to attack anyone."

Carter looked genuinely confused. "Well then what's the point?"

"We're going to win, in November."

"That's your plan?"

"Yes. If we win, it'll get the Gryffindors off my back, and get the Slytherins to shut up."

"And what if you don't win?"

I sighed. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"What? Cass, no, that's not what I meant, this isn't about you." Carter pinched the bridge of his nose. "Well, it is, but not..." He huffed, then dropped his hand and looked hard at me. "I don't care how good of a Chaser you are. You cannot win this match on your own."

"I know that, but I've been working really hard, and — "

"I know you have, Cass, but that's not the point. The point is that your whole solution is dependent on factors outside of your control. Not to mention the fact that the match is still a month away. Assuming you do win and the bullying does stop in November, what's your plan in the meantime?"

I shrugged. "Hide. Survive. I have the hidden staircases now, that's a plus — "

"Cass, that's not good enough," Carter interrupted. "Please. This isn't going to stop until you stand up for yourself one way or another."

"I can't."

"You know the spells — "

"I can't," I said again. "I'm not you, Carter, I can't get away with everything because of who my dad is — "

Carter's face flushed, and a flash of panic ripped through me before I could even tell if it was anger or embarrassment coloring his face.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I covered my face with my hands and inhaled deeply. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like that." I lowered my hands, too ashamed to look at Carter. How could I have been so stupid, why did I bring his dad into it, how could I have accidentally said something so out-of-line and hurtful? I stared out at the water, praying the wind and rain would cool my own flushed cheeks. "I know you have to be careful. You are careful. You knocked the prefect unconscious instead of actually fighting him because you didn't want word of you defending a Muggle-born to get back to your dad, but... your blood status and your last name still give you certain protections that I don't have. I'm no one important to the Gryffindors and I'm a Mudblood to the Slytherins. You're the son of You-Know-Who to the relatives of Death Eaters, and a pure-blood to everyone else. If they tried doing to you what they've done to me..."

"I understand your point," Carter said. "I still think you should defend yourself, though. It's only fair."

"If only this world were built to be fair to people like me," I replied, glancing at Carter shyly. He didn't look angry. I relaxed a bit.

"We'd all side with you. They started it, it's only fair that you fight back since everyone in the administration of this school is apparently powerless to stop it."

"But that's not the story their parents would hear," I said. "They'd all hear about the rogue Muggle-born second-year who hurt their children with advanced spells. It'd be a witch hunt, for lack of a better expression."

Carter sighed.

"I know. I've been thinking about this a lot. I'll still use the magic you taught me to save my life, if it comes to that, but if my life's not in danger, it's not worth it to attract even more unwanted attention to myself."

"My logical side agrees that not fighting back is the smartest move, but the side of me that's tired of hearing your bones break really wants you to break someone else's for a change." Carter sighed again. "I misspoke. All of me is tired of hearing your bones break, all of me loves you and hates that this is happening at all."

"I love you too," I said. I stared down at my essay. "I'm guessing this is the part of the conversation where you say you want to get back to the castle, and you're not going back up without me?"

"I was trying to think of how to say that, yes. You're shivering."

"Well, that's nothing new. You know I get cold easily."

"And this is supposed to aid your argument how, exactly?"

I sighed. "Thanks to you interrupting me, my fingers are now numb and incapable of writing, so I couldn't stay out here and keep working on homework if I tried."

"Speaking of, give me your hand." I offered him my right hand with a look of confusion. "No, the injured one. I spotted it walking over here. When did that happen?"

"Practice, Thursday night," I said. "Pat missed a Bludger. Not her fault, though."

"Patricia Rakepick, right?" Carter asked, a little too casually.

"She didn't do it on purpose, if that's what you're asking," I replied.

"You're sure?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Why would she do it on purpose?"

"Slytherin isn't the only house with blood supremacists," he said with a sigh. "They're just loudest about it. You truly never know."

"That's comforting," I muttered.

"Sorry. It's true. Don't get comfortable."

"How can I? It feels like everyone in this school hates me for one reason or another."

"I don't... yet. If you freeze to death out here, I won't forgive you, you know. I'll hate you forever if you die before me."

"So? I'll be dead, why should I care?"

"I'll tell everyone about your third nipple."

"Oh, you — fuck off, it's not a third nipple, it's a birthmark!"

Carter grinned. "If you say so. Good luck setting the record straight if you're dead, though."

"I'm never letting you heal one of my broken bones again," I snapped as my face heated, though there was no real bite to my words. I started shoving all of my homework materials into my book bag. "Fuck this, I'm going up to my dormitory just to get away from you."

"Good call. Merlin, I should have just led with that. 'Good afternoon, Cass, go up to your dormitory at once, unless you want me to tell your friends all about your third nipple.'"

I huffed. "It's a birthmark!"

"And I'm a Hufflepuff," Carter replied, hauling me to my feet. "There, now we're both liars. Go on, you head up to the castle first. I doubt Cass the Clown and Carter Riddle being seen together would bode well for either of us."

"Right. See you tomorrow, asshole."

"Takes one to know one," he said with an affectionate smile. "Do you really sleep with socks on?"

"I'm leaving now!" I called over my shoulder as I walked in the direction of the castle, hood over my head bowed low in the rain.

I shook my head, a smile on my face regardless. It was a birthmark, damn it. I'd broken a couple of ribs — gotten a couple of my ribs broken, to be more accurate, and quite severely — about a week prior, and I happened to cross paths with Carter on my way to the Hospital Wing. I was immensely body-shy, always had been, and I didn't particularly fancy the thought of anyone lifting my shirt to heal my ribs, not even Madam Pomfrey, but Carter was Carter, and Carter was concerned, and when I asked if he wanted to play healer for a couple of minutes, he didn't hesitate before tugging me into an abandoned classroom and getting to work. Once he'd repaired the broken ribs and healed the skin they had pierced, he tried to heal my birthmark too, much to his annoyance and my amusement.

"It's a birthmark, Carter," I'd said. "It's not going anywhere."

Carter had squinted at it. "It looks like a... bruised puncture wound that healed poorly."

"I've had it my whole life. Surely it would have healed properly by now, if it was at one point an injury."

"Maybe it's not meant to be healed."

"Well yeah, it's a birthmark. Those don't heal."

Carter, still unconvinced, had given me a suspicious look. "Are you sure it's a birthmark? It looks a bit like a third nipple."

I'd laughed, then sobered up at once when I realized he wasn't laughing as well. "You can't be serious. You said yourself it looks bruised. Look at it, it's black and blue, not a shade of red or pink."

"Who here has been studying to be a healer in their free time?" he'd fired back.

I'd yanked down my shirt, shaking my head and chuckling to myself. "Fascinating theory, but it's a birthmark. End of discussion."

Or so I'd thought. How that boy could manage to make fun of me even while helping me was something of a marvel. The duality of man, or whatever.

In any event, I returned to my dormitory to find that it was empty except for Remus, who was stretched out on the floor with a book. One of mine, I realized. Little Women, of all things.

"Welcome back, Beth," he said without looking up from the book. "You know, when Jo has a problem, she lets everyone know."

"She grows up and starts dealing with her own problems," I argued. "She moves to New York, and — "

Remus sighed and glanced up at me. "Anyway, how's your seclusion going?"

I hesitated a long second before answering. "I couldn't keep writing. My hands got too cold."

"Well, my hands are perfectly warm," Remus said. "Maybe doing homework here is the better move. If you can tolerate my presence, that is."

"You're very tolerable, Remus. Not that I'm complaining about the fact that you're the only one up here, I'm very glad for your quiet but warm welcome, but where's everyone else? I thought for sure I'd be swamped and scolded again."

"They're busy. You're free to finish your essay, or whatever you need to do. I doubt they'll come bother you for at least another hour. Mary's at orchestra practice, Lily's in a study group with Severus, and the others... well, you'll see."

"I'll see?" I repeated. "What are they doing?"

Remus just smiled. "Don't worry about it."

"When is that phrase ever comforting?" I muttered, setting my book bag down and stretching out in front of the fireplace. I deflated with a sigh as warmth enveloped me. "This is nice. I didn't even realize how cold I was."

"Lesson learned?" Remus asked.

I sighed loudly. "I suppose."

Remus seemed satisfied by my answer and returned to his — my — book, and once I regained feeling in my hands, I reached for my essay and finished it up at my desk. As soon as I was done, I reached for the book of advanced charms I'd borrowed from the library and set to work finding a spell that would keep me warmer the next day, so I could go right back to studying outside without fear of frostbite. I had just found something that I thought could work when the door burst open behind me and laughter filled the room.

I jumped so high I slammed my knee against the underside of the desk.

"How'd it go?" I heard Remus ask from behind me.

I turned to see that James, Sirius, and Peter were all doubled over laughing, James clutching a handful of photographs, Peter holding a camera I recognized as Daphne's.

"Cass!" Sirius called, beckoning to me. "Come see!"

I rose from the desk chair, my newly-injured knee protesting a bit, and glanced at the picture James was holding out to me. Athena Selwyn's long blonde hair was no longer blonde, but instead a vibrant shade of Gryffindor red. This was very obvious, because it was sticking straight out of her head, all four feet of it, in every direction. She was clad in nothing but a towel, and she must have been screaming rather loudly, because her roommates were all cringing away from her, their hands over their ears.

"What did you do?" I asked, for lack of more intelligent response.

"We tampered with her shampoo a bit," James reported happily. "See, since she decided to sabotage your Hair-Raising Potion, we thought it would be rather amusing to make our own extra-strong batch, and replace her shampoo with it."

"Don't worry, it can't be traced back to any of us," Remus added. "It was my idea to put a half-empty bottle of the same potion-shampoo in Marissa Parkinson's trunk. It worked, right?"

"Oh, Remus, it was beautiful, you're a genius," Sirius declared, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

"We should start from the beginning," Peter said with a smile my direction. "Cass looks a little lost."

With a great deal of laughter punctuating the storytelling process, the tale began to take shape. The idea of revenge had never gone away, and it was in fact encouraged by my absence that morning. The boys had all worked together to come up with the plan. Remus would stay in the dormitory to provide an alibi — whether or not I actually returned to the dormitory while the revenge prank was taking place was irrelevant. The other four would wander around the castle until they found Daphne Okoye, who Sirius swore up and down was a good Slytherin who would share the common room password. He was correct, and Daphne went so far as to insist that they use her camera to capture the moment and suggest that they plant the bottle in Marissa's trunk in particular, since she'd been arguing with Athena just a couple days beforehand. They didn't tell her about the invisibility cloak, instead just telling her not to worry about how they were doing it and instead just enjoy the fact that they were doing it, and she relented after only about a minute because she was tired of Athena's bullying and was in fact just happy that she was getting any kind of comeuppance. While everyone was at lunch, James and Sirius infiltrated the dormitory bathroom and arranged it all, pouring half of Athena's shampoo into an empty bottle and distributing the potion evenly between the two containers, shaking it all up for good measure. They then retrieved Peter, who had gotten Daphne's camera from her, and the three of them hunkered down under the bed closest to the door and waited for the chaos to unfold.

And unfold it did.

Athena decided to shower shortly after lunch, because, conveniently, she'd somehow tripped and fallen directly onto someone's inkwell, and she hated her perfect hair being imperfect for any reason. Little did she know it was about to get so much worse.

The screams started immediately, and they attracted the attention of all of her roommates, plus a couple curious bystanders, who could hear her from the common room. She emerged from the shower still shrieking, demanding to know who had done something to her shampoo. When no one could answer her, she went a little crazy, until Keira, cool as a cucumber, suggested looking in people's trunks, since it was surely an inside job. Marissa, of all people, said she didn't see why that was necessary, considering the culprit was obvious. She'd cast a nasty glare at Daphne as she said this, and James wasted no time in passing me the picture of the astonished look on her face when the telltale bottle was found not in Daphne the Muggle-born's trunk, but her own. He then passed me the picture of Athena lunging angrily at Marissa, teeth bared, claw-like fingernails slashing through the air toward Marissa's still-shocked face.

When both Athena and Marissa had gone to the Hospital Wing, and the curious bystanders had all dispersed to spread the story, Daphne and Keira lingered in the room, hoping to catch a glimpse of James and Sirius and Peter, but when their inquiries failed to pull the four pranksters from their hiding place, they left the room with one last "You'd better leave us copies of the pictures, at least."

"So we made copies of everything," James explained, "and left a stack of pictures on everyone's beds, so Daphne and Keira couldn't be singled out. We kept the originals, of course, we're going to hang them in our dormitory, once we're certain that Marissa has been properly blamed and sentenced to detention. Anyway, that's how we've spent our day so far. Where were you, Cass?"

"Just doing homework," I said, wide-eyed. "When you were talking about getting her back, I didn't think you actually would. Let alone... like that."

"Brilliant, wasn't it?" Peter asked with a bright grin.

In spite of myself, I nodded and smiled back. "Actually... yeah. It was brilliant."

"I think we should do this more often," Sirius declared. "This school has an awful lot of pricks. The good people of Hogwarts need a gang of noble Gryffindors to knock the lofty do-no-gooders down a peg!"

"You know, Sirius, I was just thinking exactly that," James agreed. "I mean, our first prank went off without a hitch! What could ever go wrong?"

"Please tell me that's a rhetorical question," Remus said with an incredulous look.

James blinked. "I mean, the first one went so well. If you're going to make a mistake, it's going to be the first time you ever try something, is it not? We're naturals, the four of us. You're welcome to join us next time, Cass, if you'd like."

"I'd... rather not," I replied, shaking my head. "Thanks, though. And wait a minute, what do you mean 'first prank?' I distinctly remember you two — " I pointed at Sirius and Remus. " — stashing a firework under my pillow last year. What was that, then, if not a prank?"

The guilty parties exchanged an amused look.

Sirius turned to smile at me. "Just a good bit of fun."

"It was your own fault, really," Remus added.

I scoffed. "How so? I told you I was afraid of fireworks, and a week later, there was one under my pillow!"

"Ah, the fact that you told me about your fear of firecrackers wasn't your mistake. Your mistake was telling me I was so sweet and innocent that you trusted me with such sensitive information." Remus smiled in a way that I could recognize, then, was not at all sweet nor innocent. He turned back to the other boys, crossing his arms. "For the record, if I hadn't suggested planting the bottle in someone's trunk, Cass could have gotten in trouble. It would have been perfectly natural to blame her, after all, if there hadn't been such substantial evidence that it wasn't her. If you're dead set on this pranking business, you're going to want me as a consultant."

"Me too," Peter piped up quietly. "I want in on this too."

They all turned to me, but I held my hands up and backed away. "I have enough going on without getting involved in this."

"Suit yourself, darling," Sirius said. "Should you change your mind, you're always welcome."

"Thanks," I replied. I studied the moving picture in my hand, of Athena Selwyn screaming, her long hair Gryffindor red and sticking out like spikes on a burr. "And thanks for this, too. I still don't really want to prank anyone, but this... this is art, in its own right. Even a goody-two-shoes like me has to admit that much."

"Remember that when you're made prefect, will you?" James asked with a mischievous wiggle of his eyebrows.

"Oh no. No no no. I am not becoming prefect, I am not going to be responsible for you four, let alone the rest of the house."

They all seemed to think that was funny, until I pointed out that they always chose a girl and a boy. Once they realized that their band of four would one day consist of a prefect too, they sobered straight up and made a solemn pact never to betray each other with me as witness. I half-jokingly suggested that they should put it in writing to make it official, but James Potter smiled right at me and said there was no need for that, because the trust they shared was strong enough to be sealed with nothing more than a solemnly-sworn oath.

"Perhaps it should be renewed, at the very least, before every prank," I said, "in the event someone wants to bow out of the agreement, should whoever becomes prefect — "

"Remus, you mean," Sirius interrupted.

"Should whoever becomes prefect decides they don't want to live a double life of prefect and prankster," I finished. "And... maybe I can join occasionally, if it's on a case-by-case basis."

"Alright then!" James agreed with a nod. "How about, before every bit of mischief-making, we say something like, I don't know, 'I solemnly swear I am up to no good' with whoever wants to participate? Once you say those words, you're in, and you can't rat us out, no matter what."

"Even if you're a prefect," Sirius added with a pointed look at me, then Remus.

"Oi, I'd never rat you out regardless, prefect or not," I argued. "Your secrets are always safe with me, whether I'm a participant or not." I giggled. "This is fun. I can't wait to see what you do next."

"Do you have any ideas?" Peter asked. "You're the one who's, you know, been bullied the most lately."

I shook my head, cheeks flushing. "No, it's alright. Athena's comeuppance is more than enough for me. I — well — I sort of got my revenge on one person already, too. It was an accident. Someone pinned me up against the wall when I was queasy, and — "

The boys all erupted in laughter then, and discussed the merits of projectile vomiting in a prank scenario all the way down to dinner. It goes without saying that I wasn't terribly hungry after listening to that conversation, but the boys all consumed large amounts of food without issue.

The next day, I was awake early again, and with my newly-mastered warming charm ready to go, I set off again in the direction of the Black Lake. Determined to avoid Carter that time, because I really did just want to be alone so I didn't attract trouble in the direction of anyone except me, I decided to climb a nearby tree.

Admittedly, I'd never been much of a tree climber. Before she knew I was a witch, my mother never allowed it. I never knew if it was because she was afraid I'd fall or if it was because she just enjoyed having control over me by keeping me on the ground and in her line of sight at all times, but I was a good little girl and kept my feet firmly on the ground. Once I was a witch and she stopped caring what I did, though, I started climbing trees. I started hiking with Leah in the nearby oak woodlands, and we often strayed from the trail to climb the trees. One of my most impressive displays of accidental magic happened the summer before I started school, not that Leah even saw it. She had her back to me, head bowed low over a sketchbook, while I scampered up the nearest tree. I climbed higher and higher, my fear of the impending school year propelling me to recklessness, and I didn't even notice how frail the branch below me was until I heard it snap. Before I even knew what was happening, I was falling, but not plummeting face-first the way I should have been. With no conscious effort of my own, I rotated in the air so my feet were pointed toward the ground, and I sank slowly through the air, landing on the dirt below totally unharmed. Leah missed it all, not even hearing the branch snap, and I wasn't about to volunteer any information about it. I merely stood there, frozen in place as the unfamiliar warm glow of magic coursed through my veins to the time of my racing heart.

After that, I was both more and less careful when I was climbing trees. Though I always made sure the branches beneath me were sturdy, I climbed higher and higher and higher and higher, wanting to get as far away from the ground as possible. I only ever felt afraid when I was looking up. I never feared the fall, because I trusted that I'd always, somehow, impossibly — no, magically — land on my feet. I'd taken to flying well enough, once I got past the initial anxiety of a new experience, in quite the same way. What was a broom, really, if not just a magical tree branch? Just like with climbing trees, I didn't fear the fall. I only felt afraid when I looked above me and saw nothing but endless sky.

So that Sunday morning, I climbed a tree. I only looked up to find my handholds. I spent the rest of my time looking down, finding places to put my feet, and looking for a limb thick enough to obscure me from the view of anyone on the ground. Once I'd found a good nook where I could sit comfortably, I settled in, reaching for my DADA textbook, my notes from class, and my notebook. I used parchment and quill in class, and for all of my homework assignments, but nothing yet compared to the comfort of writing in a notebook with a pen, especially since I'd figured out a spell to create an endless supply of ink in my favorite pen. Wizarding inkwells were enchanted to have a limited supply of ink so that people always needed to buy more, but Muggle products containing ink has no such restrictions, so my pen was my most loyal writing companion and would remain that way for the rest of time. And notebooks, well, they were always my preferred mode of note-taking. No amount of folders, even magically-modified ones, made my class notes feel sufficiently organized, so I instead kept a notebook for each subject. I wrote all of my reading notes in each subject's notebook, and every weekend, I found the notes I had taken on parchment in class and copied those all into my notebook. It was a very efficient way of studying for me, even though it was a lot of work, so I set up camp in that tree and started writing.

It wasn't raining that day, but the wind still carried with it whispers of dampness, so I continuously renewed the Warming Charm that I'd cast on the scarf I wrapped around my face, and I buried my hands in it from time to time when my fingers started to get too cold and stiff to write. It was a good system, really, and I was rather productive, until Carter appeared. Again.

He didn't find me, but he did return to the shores of the Black Lake. When I heard crunching across the gravel, I peered over the edge of my hiding spot and watched with distant amusement as Carter approached the spot where I'd been the day prior, squinted at it, then turned in a confused circle.

"Come on, you must be here," he said.

I giggled, and his head whipped upward.

"You've got to be joking. Are you trying to break your neck?" Carter demanded. "Magic can only heal so far, you know."

"I'm like a squirrel, I always land on my feet," I replied.

Carter blinked. "I thought cats were the ones who always landed on their feet."

"My mom's allergic to cats so I haven't seen cats in action, but I have seen a lot of squirrels fall out of trees and land unharmed. One time a squirrel fell out of a tree and nearly landed on my head, but it just dashed away the second its feet touched the ground, not injured in the slightest."

"Yes, well," Carter said, starting to climb the tree I was in, "you're a girl, not a squirrel, though I do see how that could get a bit confusing. Girl and squirrel rhyme for one, and you're both very jumpy — "

"Hey!" I protested, but he wasn't done.

"You're both hoarders of food — "

"What do you mean by that?" I challenged.

"I know you have a stash of sweets in your trunk, a couple boxes of cookies too, because your mother drilled into your head that you're only allowed to have one sweet a day — which is rubbish, by the way, you especially should eat whatever you want whenever you want since your appetite is so unusual — so every time someone gives you sweets, you eat one, then save the rest for later, except there is no later, because your mother made you afraid of eating food as well by creating a false illusion of scarcity, so you're saving those extra sweets 'just in case' an apocalyptic situation arises and the whole world runs out of food. You really should eat the sweets, you know, you've been losing weight lately and it's concerning, and I know James Potter keeps you well-stocked on sweets anyway, he'd never let you run out entirely." Carter heaved himself onto the same branch as me and looked me in the eyes. "Anyway, now that I think about it, maybe you are just a squirrel, but that doesn't mean you should go around climbing trees all willy-nilly because you're under the false assumption you will land on your feet. And yes, you've told me about what happened with Leah, but I'd rather not find out the hard way that it was a one-time-only sort of miracle, yeah?"

"Why are you so certain I'm going to fall out of the tree? I've been up here for hours without incident."

Carter studied me for a second. "You're exhausted. More nightmares?"

"Of course," I muttered. "That's nothing new."

Carter reached into the front pocket of his robes and extracted a yellow plastic bag containing two Chocolate Frogs and two Peppermint Toads.

"Two for you, two for me," he said, untwisting the tie that held it closed. "And yes, I am insisting that you eat both, I know you didn't eat breakfast. I won't let you add to your sweets stash today. Ideally, the caffeine in the chocolate and the, well, punch of the peppermint will wake you up. It's no substitute for a proper meal, so I will also insist that you go up to the castle for lunch today, but I'm hoping this will be good enough in the meantime, so you don't fall asleep or lose consciousness and topple out of the tree."

Carter pinched one of the still-squirming Chocolate Frogs between his fingers, and I stashed my DADA materials into my bag to accept it from him.

"Thank you," I said softly. My cheeks burned, because even after a year of being known and known well and loved and loved well by Carter, it was still uncomfortable to be perceived with such accuracy. The acceptance that always accompanied his often brutal but never cruel assessments of me made my skin crawl. Not because it was not pleasant, but because it was. Deep down, it was pleasant. Deep down. "And for the record, I'm not afraid of the apocalypse. That's not why I have my so-called sweets stash."

"Oh? Correct me, then."

I bit the back leg off of the Chocolate Frog before answering. "More recently, I've had the irrational fear that I will be confined to my dormitory and I will need to live off of what's in my trunk or starve. I know it's irrational, for many reasons, but I can't shake the fear regardless."

"You're right, that is irrational," Carter said. "I do know that this habit started last year, though, so surely that's not your only irrational fear concerning the food in your trunk."

"I'm maybe a little afraid of all food supplies in the world being halted for one reason or another so our only hope is to live off of the food I've gathered," I admitted in a mumble, smiling at him sheepishly.

Carter laughed and tossed me a Peppermint Toad. "Oh, shut up and eat your sweets. The world isn't ending any time soon, I assure you."

"Carter, there's a war going on," I pointed out.

"Yeah, and the son of the man waging it is eating sweets with a girl belonging to the group of people he wants to eliminate," Carter said. "There's hope for the world, in the form of us. We're my father's worst nightmare."

I smiled. "That's a nice way of thinking about it."

"Besides," Carter added, chewing thoughtfully on his Chocolate Frog, "I heard about what your friends did yesterday, to Athena Selwyn. The war out there might be fought with the unforgivable, but the war here might just be fought with the unpredictable. Ridicule is currency in a school setting, and you're unfortunately very aware of that."

"Yeah, I'll say," I muttered. I sighed. "I got top marks in Muggle school, by a wide margin, I was untouchable in that sense, so they ridiculed me to try to bring me down. It worked, socially if not academically."

"Maybe the people ridiculing you now need to feel as ridiculous as they've made you feel," Carter suggested.

"They will, when we win the Quidditch match in November," I said with a confident nod.

Carter sighed. "And until then?"

"Until then, I have this tree. We have this tree."

Carter didn't say anything, but his facial expression betrayed him.

"You're afraid of heights," I blurted out, as if he didn't already know. "And you're up here with me in this tree. I'm sorry, we can go down — "

"It's alright, I climbed up here voluntarily, remember?"

I held the Chocolate Frog between my teeth and shoved the Peppermint Toad into my book bag before beginning my swift descent. Once I'd climbed down far enough that I was reasonably sure I could jump the rest of the way without breaking my ankle, I did so, then looked back up at Carter, who was inching his way down. Once his feet were back on solid ground, he visibly relaxed.

"Sorry," I whispered, taking a small bite out of the Chocolate Frog. "I wasn't thinking."

"Don't apologize," he replied breathlessly. "Look." He shoved the rest of his Chocolate Frog into his mouth and chewed for a moment, swallowing with effort before continuing. "Clearly your attempts to isolate yourself aren't going to work, not with me, so you might as well stop trying and save us the effort of hiding, in your case, and seeking, in mine. Why don't we just find a secluded spot in the castle? Merlin knows there are dozens of abandoned classrooms, I've never understood why they needed to build such a massive castle for the twelve classes that are actually offered. We can enchant the room to be warm, and dry, and safe, and whatever else we need it to be. It sure beats you freezing to death out here in the open, where anyone can find you."

"I'm not freezing to death, not anymore," I argued, holding out my charmed scarf for him to feel for himself, "and you're the only one who's ever found me out here, but I understand your point regardless. We can go look for — "

"No need, I've already found one," he interrupted. "It's on the sixth floor, Classroom 6C. I thought the C was fitting. Anyway, the only room in use on that entire floor is Slughorn's office, so it's hardly ever in use, since he always hosts his office hours in the dungeons. We can lock the door anyway, so we're the only ones who can enter it. Well — I think Dumbledore would be able to open it, a lot of magical rules here have exceptions for the Headmaster, but we'd be safe from any students who would give us trouble. Want to see it for yourself?"

I sighed, nodding regardless. "As always, you're four steps ahead of me."

"No, just one step," Carter said. "Come on, we can head up to the castle together today. If anyone asks, the sweets I shared with you must have contained trace amounts of Befuddlement Draught, which impaired your judgement enough for you to follow me alone into an abandoned classroom."

"Charming," I replied.

Thankfully, no one saw us, so his clever little lie could be stored away for use on another less-lucky day. Surely enough, the abandoned classroom he'd found was perfect for our purposes, and I promised him that I'd start going there whenever I needed to get away from everyone else. We enchanted the door with the same spell that I used on the dormitory door — our knocking rhythm was inspired by the melody from "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by The Beach Boys — and then went our separate ways so that we didn't arrive in the Great Hall for lunch at the same time.

True to my word, I made good use of Classroom 6C over the course of the next week, hiding there before and after classes and in any breaks I had in between. Carter was almost always there too, and even on the rare occasion I arrived and found that the room was empty, there was evidence that Carter had been there before me, in the form of a modification to the room or a note or, one time, a Sugar Quill, the day after our Quidditch practice had been attended by a large group of masked Slytherins that shouted taunts and jeers the whole time.

All in all, Quidditch practices were going well. We'd finalized our strategy for the Slytherin match, and we were working on refining it. Everyone was worried that the Slytherin Beaters would target me specifically, so Frank had devised a solution that he hoped would keep me as safe as possible. As much as Slytherin hated me, they hated losing even more, so if James and Marlene were scoring all of the goals, their Beaters would have no choice but to diversify their Bludger targets. Our Beaters were tasked with protecting the three of us Chasers, leaving Frank, our Seeker, and Hector Kelly, our Keeper, to fend for themselves. Hector was the best Keeper to play for Gryffindor in decades, and Frank was a damn good Seeker, so they weren't too worried, but I could tell our Beaters were nervous about the arrangement. Pat, in particular, seemed a bit resentful. Nothing she said or did explicitly implied that she hated me for changing the team's dynamic so drastically, but when Frank first suggested that one of our Beaters should be focused on keeping me safe specifically, she automatically volunteered Gabriel Thomas, the other Beater, for the task. Gabriel agreed without a second of hesitation — he was a half-blood who grew up in a Muggle neighborhood, so he had a soft spot for me — but something about Pat's lukewarm attitude toward me made me slightly uncomfortable, though she had yet to do anything outright hostile. I was doing well in practice, though, we all were, there was no denying that.

As far as my Gryffindor friends were concerned... they were concerned. They still walked with me from class to class, and we made good use of the secret staircases, but I still seized every opportunity I could find to hide. Whenever I slipped away to Classroom 6C, they wanted to know where I had gone, which I thought was fair enough. Every time, I said I was hiding alone so that no one would be seen with me and thus attract any more unwanted negative attention. They didn't care, they stubbornly maintained that they didn't care about any of that, but I, even more stubbornly, maintained that it was for the best that we had that space. I begged and begged and begged my friends not to spend time with me, because I really was so terrified that something awful would happen because of me. I assured them that I still loved them and that I knew that they still loved me, I still walked to Quidditch practice with James and Marlene and I still walked to class with everyone else and we still ate meals together, but it wasn't the same. I retreated deep inside of myself, as if by making myself as small and invisible as possible, I could protect everyone around me. And it seemed to work. After about a week, they reluctantly, very reluctantly, started to back off.

Not Carter, though. I was stuck with him, and he made sure I knew it.

We spent countless hours together in Classroom 6C. We did our homework together, and I started carrying my wizard's chess board from James in my book bag so we had something to do once we'd finished our homework. We did a fair amount of advanced studying, too, in our boredom, because Carter was still working on his Legilimency, and I wanted to learn Occlumency just to keep him out of my head. He'd already promised never to read my mind without my permission, but he was good enough at reading my mind without actually reading my mind — I wanted all of the privacy and protection I could get. Occlumency would protect me against other Legilimens too, if I was unlucky enough to encounter any.

My distance from my Gryffindor friends had its drawbacks, though. It had many, many, many drawbacks. Namely, the difficulties of traversing the castle alone en route to Classroom 6C. Going from Classroom 6C to another location was safe enough, because I knew Carter was never far behind even if we weren't walking together, but when we were going to Classroom 6C from opposite directions, trouble often found me. It was never anything I couldn't outrun — because I may not have been much of a sprinter, but I was good over long distances, especially when fueled by adrenaline — but there were times that I got myself lost in the castle because in my panic, I'd run the wrong direction and not know how to right myself.

On one such occasion, I inadvertently paid my first visit to the (in)famous Moaning Myrtle. I ducked into the first girls' bathroom I saw, and I was met by the sound of mournful wailing.

I stepped hesitantly into the bathroom, not wanting to disturb whoever was so upset, yet feeling compelled to try to help regardless. To my surprise, though, all of the stall doors were open. No one appeared to be inside.

"Hello?" I called. "Is someone there?"

I received a sniffle in reply. "What do you want?"

"Oh — um — sorry," I stammered, stepping backwards. "I just — um — there was a group of boys walking past me who called me — well, it doesn't matter, but I wanted to get away, and — and I didn't think they'd come in here, but I can go, I'm sorry for bothering — "

Before I could finish my sentence, a ghostly head poked itself out from one of the stalls.

"You get teased too?" the ghostly girl asked.

I nodded. "Oh yeah. Loads."

"What did they call you?"

"Cass the Clown," I said. "Clever, isn't it?"

The girl's eyebrows furrowed. "I thought clowns wore lots of makeup and had red noses and rainbow wigs and big shoes. You don't have any of that."

"No, I don't. It's rather silly, really," I replied.

"I got teased too," the girl said, emerging from the stall and floating toward me. "Olive Hornby made fun of my glasses. She made fun of everything about me."

"I"m so sorry. Your glasses are lovely."

She sniffled. "Thanks."

"One of my favorite people in the whole world has glasses," I said. "His name is James. I've always wanted glasses, you know. I wore his once, just out of curiosity, and I thought they rather suited me. Yours suit you very well." I spotted the Ravenclaw emblem on her school robes and smiled. "They make you look very intelligent."

"I was. Am. I don't know." Myrtle buried her face in her hands and sobbed anew.

I instinctively stepped forward to try to comfort her, but I froze when I realized my hand would surely just go right through her.

"It's okay," I said instead, as soothingly as I could at a volume loud enough to be heard over her wails. "You still are smart. You know, I — I, um, had a question, actually, about the Ravenclaw common room? Do you know if you could answer that?"

Myrtle stopped crying with a couple of sniffles and looked back up at me. "What do you want to know?"

"I've heard that you have to answer a riddle to get in," I said, "but does that mean anyone can enter the common room? Gryffindor and Slytherin both have passwords that only they know, and Hufflepuff has the knocking pattern that only they're supposed to know, but what about Ravenclaw? Are you all told what the riddle will be in advance?"

"No, we're not." Myrtle shook her head. "Anyone who can prove that they are wise enough to answer the riddle is allowed to enter the Ravenclaw common room, not that anyone other than a Ravenclaw is granted entry very often."

"That's so cool! I doubt I'd be wise enough to get in. What happens if a Ravenclaw can't answer the riddle? I'm sure that never happened to you, but did it happen to any of your friends?"

"You're allowed to argue your answer," Myrtle said. "An unconventional answer is harder to argue, it's often best to just get one of the correct answers to the riddle, but technically, if your argument was sound, the door had to let you in no matter what. If someone's well and truly locked outside of the common room, someone usually comes along to help. The Hufflepuff common room is always open to Ravenclaws, too. We need to be a source of sanity for each other considering Slytherin and Gryffindor are both a little mad — no offense."

"None taken," I replied. "As of late, I'm rather inclined to agree with you. My fellow Gryffindors were the ones calling me Cass the Clown, and a Slytherin broke my thumb yesterday."

Myrtle gasped. "That's dreadful, I'm so sorry! Who's bullying you? I can haunt whoever it is!"

"It's alright, but thank you for the offer," I said.

She sniffled. "You don't want my help? You think I'm useless?"

"What? No!" I shook my head emphatically, panicking. "No, not at all, it's just not worth troubling you. I'd take to take away from..."

"From my time spent crying alone in the bathroom?" Myrtle asked bitterly.

I blinked. "Is that all you do?"

"No one wants me around. Girls avoid this bathroom simply because I'm in it. Why would I leave and inflict myself upon anyone else?"

"I'm so sorry, Myrtle," I said. "I'll come back and talk to you, alright? We can be friends. You can be my first real Ravenclaw friend."

"I don't even know your name, your real, proper name," Myrtle replied.

"I'm Cass," I said. "Cass Williams. I'm a second-year." I cocked my head at Myrtle. "I'm a Muggle-born, so I don't know much about ghosts. Please forgive me if this is a silly question, but can you read?"

"It's alright, I was a Muggle-born too. I can read, but I can't touch anything. People love throwing books at me."

I frowned. "That's so mean. I'm so sorry. I was just going to ask if you'd be able to read a book if I left one of mine for you to read."

"Not unless something or someone turns the pages for me," Myrtle said softly, "but thank you for thinking of it."

I nodded, gears in my mind turning. "Of course. I have to go find my friend, or else he'll start to worry that one of my bullies gravely injured me, but I'll be back, Myrtle, I promise."

"It was nice talking to you, Cass Williams," she said with a kind smile. "If you change your mind about me haunting your bullies, you know where to find me."

"And if you ever get bored, you're welcome to come visit me in my dormitory," I replied. "My roommates might be a little alarmed, but, well, they'd get over it."

"Thanks," Myrtle replied, and with that, I set off in the direction of Classroom 6C, determined to either find a spell that would turn pages at the right speed for Myrtle to be able to read or invent one myself.

By the time I got to Classroom 6C, Carter was already there, head bowed low over a textbook. He glanced up when he heard me, and his expression turned inquisitive.

"What's up?" he asked.

"I just met Moaning Myrtle," I replied, "and — what's up?"

Carter had paled.

I gnawed on my lower lip as I walked a couple steps closer. "Are you okay?"

"It's just — my father said not to ever go near her."

"The same way he told you not to go near Muggle-borns?"

Carter shook his head, looking away from me. "This was different. He wouldn't explain. He didn't need to explain, he — he got his point across."

I hesitantly approached Carter. We worked side-by-side at the teacher's desk, rather than at the smaller student desks, because the classroom was abandoned and because we could. I slid into the seat next to him and laid my hand on top of his.

Voldemort as a villain was simple to understand. Voldemort as a father, less so. Carter told me about the wildly-swinging pendulum of his father's temperament, angry one minute and affectionate the next, and I'd seen its effects on his body and mind.

I maintained that Voldemort could never touch Carter's soul, the only part of him that ever mattered to me.

"I won't bring her up again," I said. "Sorry, I didn't know."

"You don't have to apologize," he replied, shaking his head and seemingly snapping out of his daze. "It just surprised me as all. You're not very social, you see, and — "

"Oh, shove off." I swatted his arm. "I may not be outgoing, but I am friendly."

"I know, I know. So how'd that happen?"

"I was running away from a couple of Gryffindor boys and ducked in there. Long story short, we chatted a bit, and I realized she must be awfully bored being a ghost, and she said she enjoyed reading when she was alive, but she can't touch books. I want to find a spell that will turn book pages at the right speed for her."

Carter nodded thoughtfully. "I'm sure we could find something."

"I can do this myself, it's alright," I said, shaking my head. "I don't want you to get in trouble with your dad. I don't want to find out the hard way that you helping her falls under the 'going near her' category, even if you don't actually go near her."

"Are you sure?" Carter asked.

"I can do this," I assured him with a smile.

"Well, of course you can do this. That was never in question. I just wanted to offer my services, in case you didn't want to do this alone."

"I'd rather struggle on my own knowing you won't get in trouble for this than struggle less with your help and get you hurt somehow."

I watched as Carter warred with himself behind green eyes before nodding. "Alright. If you change your mind, let me know."

"Sirius told me I'm stubborn, like a good Gryffindor."

"He was right."

"Usually you attach an 'unfortunately' to that."

"Yes, well, something tells me you need all the stubbornness you can get these days."

"I learned from the best," I said, grinning at him.

He furrowed his brow. "Who?"

"You, asshole. You're the most stubborn person I know."

He opened his mouth to argue, then seemed to think better of it and returned to his homework with a sigh.

"Love you," I said with perfectly sweet sincerity as I reached for my own homework.

Carter bumped his elbow against mine. "Love you too."

🩵💛❤️💜🩷

A couple of days later, I was actually on my way to Lily's study group when a spell hit me square in the back. Without even turning to see who it was, I started running for all I was worth, hurtling down hallway after hallway until I could no longer hear footsteps behind me in mad pursuit. Not wanting to risk discovery, I ducked into the nearest classroom, closing the door behind me and sinking down against it with my head in my hands, choking out a sob as I realized just how much my back hurt where I'd been hit.

I had been decently sure the classroom was abandoned, so I was dreadfully startled when I heard someone ask, "Cass? Is that you?"

My head whipped up to see that Regulus was sitting in a nearby desk in the otherwise-empty classroom, looking at me with a combination of concern and confusion.

"Oh fuck," I said. I scrubbed my cheeks with the sleeve of my robe. "Sorry."

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I got a proper look at what was on his desk and pushed myself to my feet, face burning with embarrassment. "Yeah, sorry, you're doing homework, I'll leave you alone — "

"It's alright." Regulus stared at me. "Why are you in here?"

"It's nothing — wait. Why are you in here?"

"The library isn't quiet enough. I can't focus in there."

"Oh. And then I just rushed in here, all loud and — "

"It is the loudest I've heard you be."

"I'm sorry — "

"Don't apologize. What's wrong?" Regulus asked.

I sighed. "Nothing new. Just got hexed in the hallway en route to a study group Lily's hosting. I didn't want to lead whoever it was to the spot where they were all meeting, so I just sprinted off."

Regulus narrowed his eyes at me. "You don't strike me as the study group type."

"I'm not. It was Lily's idea, she invited me, she thinks I've been spending 'too much time alone' lately."

"No such thing," Regulus replied without a second of hesitation.

I snorted. "Yeah, I'm inclined to agree. Anyway, sorry, I can leave you to your alone time if you'd like."

"Maybe — " Regulus blinked. "Maybe it'd be better if you stayed in here until whoever's after you loses interest."

"It feels like almost everyone's after me these days, and they're still interested a month later," I said softly.

"Ah, is this about the Quidditch team?" Regulus asked.

"Yeah. I think I managed to piss off everyone in the school. I doubt Gryffindor and Slytherin have ever been so united."

"I thought it was cool. That you made the team, I mean."

"Thanks. Keep that opinion to yourself, though, or else you'll find yourself hexed too. Someone got Sirius a couple weeks ago. I still feel horrible about it."

Regulus was silent for a long moment, thinking quite carefully about whatever he wanted to say next. "Sirius... he... I wouldn't... don't blame yourself, Cass. He has a bit of a penchant for putting himself in dangerous situations willingly and intentionally. Especially if he... thinks he's helping. He has a bit of a saving people thing, even when people don't need nor want nor deserve to be saved."

"I don't want him to save me, I was the one who should have taken that hex."

"I... know the feeling," Regulus said with a small sigh.

"I'm sorry," I replied quietly.

Regulus nodded, looking down at the desk for a moment, then started clearing it off. "Well, I just finished this essay. I don't suppose you carry your wizard's chess board in that bag of yours?"

"Actually..." I reached into my bag and pulled it out, much to his wide-eyed astonishment.

"You can do an Undetectable Extension Charm?" he asked.

"Carter did it. I carried a Muggle backpack for the first couple weeks of school last year, so Carter got me this so I'd attract less attention. I wish it were that easy this year, but..." I snagged a seat and positioned it on the other side of the desk so we could sit each other and play. "Anyway, how's school been treating you so far, Regulus of the Noble House of Black?"

Regulus started talking, noticeably guarded, which was fair enough. We hadn't talked since our chance meeting in Diagon Alley, which was fair enough as well. The Noble House of Black was not to interact with Mudbloods, especially not Regulus, who was surely his family's last hope at that point. Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor and promptly thrown all of his family's rules away as a result. Regulus was sorted into Slytherin, much to his relief. It was the path of least resistance, to be certain, but I could tell, even just from his willingness to sit in an abandoned classroom and play wizard's chess with me, that there was hope for him yet.

Regulus told me about how easy his classes were. He thought most of his peers were rather stupid, even the pure-bloods. I defended his Muggle-born classmates a bit, pointing out that he'd struggle to adjust to a new way of life too if he ever found himself attending a Muggle school. Regulus blinked then, and amended his statement to say that he thought most of his peers were rather stupid, especially the pure-bloods. I laughed, then, and he cracked a smile too, and he opened up a bit more. He told me about his first and only friend, a boy named Evan Rosier, a fellow pure-blood Slytherin. Regulus wasted no time informing me that Evan wasn't stupid, so they chose to be partners in every class. He told me that he was worried about Evan, because he was kind.

I looked at Regulus for a long second. "Why would someone being kind cause you to worry?"

"Kindness is a weakness," Regulus replied, looking as confused by my question as I was by his answer.

"Why would it be a weakness?" I asked.

"Why wouldn't it be? Kindness is soft. The world is not. If you're soft, you're easily hurt. It's why knights wear armor."

"Do you fancy yourself a knight, Regulus Black?"

Regulus hesitated for a second. He glanced down at the board. "The Noble House of Black is not made of knights. We're supposed to be more than that. Cold and distant and lordly like the stars for which we're named."

"And yet here you are, playing wizard's chess with the soft Muggle-born Gryffindor girl who happened upon you in an abandoned classroom," I replied with a small smile. "If you're not a knight, and you're not a cold, distant star, what are you?"

"I don't know," he whispered, a confession so soft it would have gone unheard in any setting other than that classroom.

"That's alright," I said softly. "You are only eleven, after all. You have time to figure out who you want to be. You are more than your last name."

Regulus looked up at me with a genuine look of shock in his eyes. "Last names are everything in this world. They're keys that get you into locked doors, they're currency. Maybe it's not like that in the Muggle world — "

"It is, though perhaps not to quite the same extent. The Muggle world has powerful families that run more of the world than they should. At the same time, though, your family doesn't have to define you. You — " I choked on my words for a moment, as if the sea itself was swelling in me, reminding me of the ghost over my shoulder. "You can be more than what they think of you."

"Sirius is determined to be less," Regulus said bitterly. "Sirius is a knight. He was soft, once, then he learned how to wear armor so that he wasn't so easily hurt. He throws himself so recklessly into danger, he never thinks, he somehow managed to sharpen his softness into a weapon that angers our parents more than his soft submission ever did. I — I wasn't shocked, necessarily, when he was sorted into Gryffindor rather than Slytherin. He chose to be different years ago, the first time he got in between me and a punishment that was meant for me. The problem with knights is that they're willing to fight and die for a cause they never understand, because the cause is never more than the whim of a lord. Their armor is never enough to protect knights from their soft, brave, foolish hearts. But I don't want to be a lord, either, I — I always hate it when — when Sirius the bloody knight throws himself into a fight on my behalf. I've never asked him to do that, I don't want that, but — but..."

Regulus trailed off then, fear creeping into his eyes as he realized how vulnerable he had just been.

I was at a loss for a long second. I thought of Bradley. I thought of how I would have given anything to switch places with him, to be the one who died instead. I thought of the survivors guilt I carried in the constant ache of my chest, I thought of how all of the hits I'd taken for him amounted to nothing in the end. I thought, for the first time, of what Bradley might have wanted.

I cleared my throat, forcing my own emotions away. "Sirius means well, I know he does, but I understand what you mean. I think, in your metaphor, I'm a knight with armor made of cardboard."

Regulus managed a snort of amusement. "I see."

"It's true," I said with a bit of an embarrassed smile. "Anyway, I promise the world is composed of more than just lords and knights, even if your family refuses to see that. Think of the artists who designed and carved and painted this chess board and enchanted the pieces, and of the authors who write our textbooks, and of the professors who teach from said textbooks. There are many different paths you can take, in the event you decide to break the mold of your last name. Though, in fairness, I think Sirius broke the mold first, so in theory, it should be easier for you."

"I appreciate the point you're trying to make, but... no. It would be much harder."

I frowned. "Sorry. My point stands regardless. Even if it's difficult to forge your own path, it's not impossible. I mean, I certainly did that. I was a little Muggle-born girl living in America, and now I'm here."

"I suppose if anyone has the authority to speak on such matters, it would be you," Regulus admitted. "You've forged your own path onto the Quidditch team, too."

"And that's been really fucking difficult," I muttered. "But worth it, I hope." I sighed. "Do you enjoy Quidditch, Regulus?"

Regulus nodded enthusiastically. "Oh yes, I love it. I intend to try out next year, for Seeker. I love Quidditch."

And so the conversation pivoted to Quidditch as we finished our chess match. Once he'd defeated me, we decided to head our separate ways for the evening, but not before I thanked him for keeping me company and he thanked me for being a Gryffindor that wasn't immensely irritating.

"Immensely irritating?" I asked. "So I'm a little irritating?"

Regulus hummed, thinking about my question for a second. "No. I enjoy your company. I spend every Thursday evening in this classroom. You're welcome to come back and lose again at wizard's chess in the future, if you'd like."

"I usually have Quidditch practice on Thursday nights," I admitted apologetically. When Regulus looked a little sad, just for a second, before forcing himself to appear unaffected, I scrambled to come up with a solution. "But if you're still here after practice, I'd love to lose to you at wizard's chess every week."

Regulus brightened ever so slightly. "I'll see if I can swing it. I'm very busy, you know."

I grinned. "See you next Thursday, Regulus."

Before I could get back to my dormitory, I crossed paths with Lily and Remus, and I remembered all at once why I had been wandering the corridors after class in the first place.

"I'm so sorry I missed the study group," I said in a rush. "I was on my way and I got attacked and I just sprinted in the opposite direction so I didn't lead whoever it was to you, and — "

"It's okay," Lily interrupted, shaking her head. "You don't have to apologize, I'm just glad you were smart and went to the Hospital Wing instead. Are you okay?"

I hesitated, and Remus narrowed his eyes.

"You didn't go to the Hospital Wing, did you?" he asked.

"I — um — I hid instead," I confessed. "I didn't want to go alone. I thought whoever attacked me might be lurking outside the Hospital Wing, waiting for me. And it worked, they didn't find me, but I really am sorry I missed the study group."

"It's alright, really," Lily said. "Well, come on, let's go to the Hospital Wing."

I shook my head. "No, no, I'm alright, really, it's not bad — "

Lily groaned. "Cass, please — "

"I'd know if it was really bad," I insisted. "Please, I just want to go back to the common room." I turned to Remus for help, knowing damn well he never went to the Hospital Wing if he could avoid it. "Please."

Lily looked hard at Remus, who looked back and forth between the two of us with mounting panic.

"If Cass insists she's okay, the common room is closer," he said after a moment. "Walking all the way down to the Hospital Wing then all the way up to the common room at this time of night could become a problem."

Lily considered this, then nodded. "Alright. Hospital Wing tomorrow, then, before classes start."

"Perfect," Remus agreed, focusing his gaze on me. "Hospital Wing tomorrow, yes?"

I conceded with a meek nod, and the three of us continued on our way to the common room, Lily filling me in on what I'd missed in the study group. We said good night to Remus at the base of the dormitory stairs and made our way up to our room, and I hurried off to take a shower before Lily could tell Mary and Marlene about my newest injury.

Fortunately, it didn't seem like any skin had been broken, because taking a shower didn't sting, but I did move a bit stiffly through my night routine, and I struggled to get comfortable in bed that night, though that might not have been entirely due to the massive bruise surely forming between my shoulder blades.

As glad as I was that I'd gotten to talk to Regulus, I missed Bradley. The boys would have rather enjoyed each other's company, I thought. They would have bonded over chess, and over thinking their classmates were stupid.

Bradley was always incredibly smart, smarter than me. We achieved the same grades in school, but I had to work hard for mine, and learning was effortless for Bradley. He would have been a good Ravenclaw. He enjoyed riddles and puzzles and games and problems that needed to be solved. He had little patience for creative endeavors outside of music, because, as he always said, music was just another form of math. He never enjoyed reading or writing or any form of visual art, though he did appreciate the creative endeavors of others on occasion, the most notable examples of which were comics and cartoons, especially Peanuts and Tom and Jerry. He was creative, though, in his own way, because he was a master of the unexpected. I knew him better than anyone, and even I was consistently surprised by what left his mouth, from unexpectedly funny jokes to unexpectedly deep insights and everything in between. His creativity was calculated, though, not that it diminished the fact that he was creative in any way. He would have been a good Ravenclaw, the kind of Ravenclaw that would earn the respect of even someone like Regulus Black.

The absence of my brother always ached, but that night, the wound felt brand new, torn open and bleeding. I wondered how I'd ever gone so numb to the pain. I wondered how I'd ever managed to convince myself that I would possibly be alright ever again. I cast a silencing spell so I could weep freely, not wanting anyone else to hear the uncontrollable sobs that poured out of me without giving me a second to catch my breath. It was ugly, it was raw, it was violent. I cried until I was reduced to nothing more than choked hiccups and sniffles, my pillow soaking wet behind me as I struggled to a sitting position, my back aching, my chest aching, my soul aching.

Once I'd somewhat gathered myself, I slipped from my bed and disappeared into the bathroom, splashing my face with cold water to rinse away the snot and tears, then cupping fresh handfuls of water in my hands in a futile attempt to refresh my parched throat. A glance at the clock on the counter informed me that it was the early hours of the morning — time had slipped away from me.

I'd told Regulus that he had time.

Maybe that was a lie.

Bradley was supposed to have time too.

I braced myself against the counter, wave after wave of grief crashing over me. In the dark of the night, I couldn't see the way up. There was no sunlight guiding me to the surface. Maybe there was no surface. Maybe I would spin in endless circles until I drowned.

Once the dizziness passed, I stumbled back to my bed and collapsed down, passing slowly into a couple hours of fitful sleep that were interrupted by the familiar ringing of Lily's alarm.

"Good morning, Cass," Lily said sweetly as I pushed myself up with effort. "How are you feeling?"

I rubbed my bleary eyes. "I'm alright. How are you?"

"I had a strange dream about a bird carrying a baby out of a burning house," she replied. "I have no idea why."

"Was it a stork?" I asked, trying to make conversation despite the heaviness clinging to my body after the awful night I'd had. The awful week I'd had. The awful months I'd had. "You know, like the Muggle idea that storks deliver babies?"

Lily shook her head. "No, it looked more like a hawk or something. There was a burning house, and it swooped in and emerged with a baby clutched in its talons. It was unsettling."

"Sounds like it," I said sympathetically. I snorted. "You should ask Sybil about it, that one Ravenclaw girl who's the distant relative of a famous Seer, or something like that."

"You know I think Divination is nonsense," Lily replied with a grin.

"Well, if magic is real, why not Divination?" I asked back, returning her grin.

"Oh, don't give me that, I know you have your reservations about it too," Lily said. "Everyone has to draw the line somewhere, I guess."

"I draw it at Calming Draughts," I declared as I got out of bed.

"Really? Why's that?"

"The Potters tried giving me one over summer, and it didn't do anything to help. It must be a placebo effect, somehow."

"If you say so," Lily replied with an amused grin.

I grabbed my uniform and retreated into the bathroom to change. Unfortunately, Lily and Remus both remembered that I'd agreed to go to the Hospital Wing that morning, and Remus had told the other boys about it, so when I descended the stairs, James Potter was waiting in the common room for me.

He pointed at me, eyes narrowed. "You." He pointed at himself. "Me." He pointed toward the portrait hole. "Hospital Wing." He pointed to the spot on his wrist where a watch would be, if he wore a watch. "Now."

"Good morning, James," I said.

James smiled brightly. "Good morning, Cass! It's Friday! Are you excited for practice tonight?"

I fought the urge to groan. No, I wasn't excited, I'd forgotten about practice, and I'd been awake almost all night crying, and I already wanted nothing more than to go back to bed. But James was looking at me so earnestly I had no choice but to smile and nod.

"Yeah. It should be fun."

Seemingly satisfied, James grabbed me by the hand, and the two of us started making our way down to the Hospital Wing.

"Your hand's freezing," he remarked.

"I run cold," I replied with a shrug. "Your hand's warm. It feels nice."

"Are you going to be warm enough today?" James asked, glancing at me. "You don't have a scarf or anything."

I pulled up the sleeve of my robe to reveal that I had my Quidditch jumper on under my school uniform.

James grinned. "Ah, you layered up. Smart. It'll save you time later! You won't even have to come back up to the dormitories to change for practice!"

"I wish I could say that's why I did it, but I forgot there was practice tonight," I confessed with a weak chuckle. "Thanks for reminding me."

"Of course! It's the Hufflepuff captain's birthday today, so he didn't want their typical Friday practice slot, which is why Frank changed the schedule this week. We should be back to Mondays and Thursdays next week. Say, I've been meaning to ask, I just finished the latest edition of Seeker Weekly. Do you want to read it?"

"I've been rather busy with homework lately, I don't know if I'd have the time. Maybe you could give me a summary?"

James was always happy for an excuse to talk about Quidditch, so he prattled on and on about the contents of that week's magazine all the way down to the Hospital Wing. He stopped briefly to let Madam Pomfrey ask me questions about my back before she healed it up and sent me on my way, then he continued talking about it all throughout breakfast and on our way to our first class of the day.

Fortunately, the day itself started as a rather quiet one, considering how exhausted I was. I endured the typical taunts of Cass the Clown with a straight face, too tired to even pretend to be bothered by it. Someone did cast a Trip Jinx that sent me toppling into Sirius Black's arms, but that was the worst of it. I got through another Potions class without any explosions, to my continued relief, and slipped away with Carter to seek shelter in Classroom 6C until it was time to head to Quidditch practice.

"You seem extra quiet today," Carter commented halfway through our wizard's chess match.

"Sorry," I replied, propping my cheek on my hand. "Rook to d4."

Carter narrowed his eyes at me. "I will make a 'sorry' jar, Cass."

"Be my guest."

"Pawn to d4." Carter stared at me. "You're worse at this than usual. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I lied.

Carter stared at me for several seconds without blinking.

"Nothing new," I amended. Still lying, just more believably, or so I thought.

"Permission to attempt to read your mind, you liar?" Carter asked.

"Be my guest," I replied, maintaining eye contact. I thought very hard about Myrtle and my attempts to find a spell that would allow her to read. I hadn't found anything yet, I was close to giving up and trying to invent my own spell, which meant I needed to start researching spell invention, which meant I'd need to brave the library in search of resources —

"Ah," Carter said after a moment. "Lost in thought, then?"

"I guess so."

I hated lying to Carter, I'd never done it before, I'd never had reason to do it before, but I was afraid. Of what, I didn't know. I wasn't afraid of him. I was never afraid of him. But my feelings were confusing even to me, they were overwhelming even to me. Carter didn't need all of my various emotional baggage on top of his own. By thinking of Myrtle, I was deterring him from digging deeper.

I still wished I could run even from Carter. I didn't want to hurt anyone. The only reason I was sitting with him in that classroom was because I knew he'd worry more if I wasn't. He worried far too much about me, so I always tried to reduce the worry when and how I could. Letting him into my mind, granting him access to every dark and scary thought weighing me down that day, that would only worry him more. He seemed to believe that I was just preoccupied with thoughts of Myrtle, and I was content to let him think that. It was better than the truth.

When the time came for me to head down to Quidditch practice, Carter seemed oddly reluctant to let me go. He was always reluctant, really, he always felt best when I was near, when he knew I was safe because he knew he could protect me, but that night, he looked especially apprehensive as we stood at the door.

"Are you okay?" I asked, unsettled by the fear in his eyes.

Carter's eyes bore into mine. "Are you?"

"Yeah," I replied with a shrug. "As okay as current conditions allow me to be, anyway. Why?"

"I don't know."

"Alright. Can I go to Quidditch practice, then?"

Carter's voice said "Yes," but his eyes screamed "Please don't."

I really did have to go to practice, so I hugged him quickly before ducking out of the door and hurrying away without looking back.

I got down to the Pitch without incident, and once I got to the locker room, I stripped off my school uniform and shoved it into my locker, revealing the Quidditch jumper and leggings I wore underneath. I reached for my broom just as James and Marlene walked into the tent, bantering away. Despite playing for the same team, they were awfully competitive, always trash-talking each other with smiles on their faces. It was entertaining, truly, but that night I didn't have it in me to engage, so I just grabbed my broom and hurried out onto the Pitch, kicking into the sky.

The only other people in the sky already were Frank and Gabriel, who both offered me friendly waves. I waved back, then started flying laps around the Pitch as fast as I could just to try to feel something other than the all-encompassing emptiness that had plagued me all day, as if I'd cried out the last parts of my soul into my pillow. A familiar thrill sparked to life as I raced against the October wind, but the emptiness returned once practice actually started.

Practice was going well until it wasn't.

A Bludger clipped the back of my head. It was just a glancing blow, but it hit me hard enough that I saw stars, so I shouted that I was okay and descended swiftly and laid down on the grass, watching with disinterest as the rest of my team gathered in midair directly above me. There was a lot of yelling, but I couldn't make out any specific words. The team dispersed several minutes later, everyone heading to the locker room except for Frank, who made a beeline for me.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he jumped down onto the grass next to me. "Anything broken?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm alright. Less dizzy now. I just needed a minute."

Frank helped me to a sitting position, then began to explain what had happened. Apparently, both Bludgers had targeted me when I'd broken away from the formation so James and Marlene could go score a goal. I'd done what I was supposed to do, and they'd done what they were supposed to do, and Gabriel had done what he was supposed to do, he successfully knocked one of the Bludgers away from me, but Pat didn't think she needed to knock the other one away, since it wasn't targeting James or Marlene.

"Obviously that's ridiculous and I told her so," Frank said. "She should never have assumed for a second that it wasn't her job to protect you just because she's supposed to focus on James and Marlene, but — " Frank sighed. "I'm so sorry. Apparently I should have been more clear with her about that."

"It's not your fault," I assured him. "I'm sorry I didn't get out of the way."

"She claimed that she shouted at you to move, and Gabriel said he heard her, but you didn't and that's all that matters. It's not your fault, Cass." He rested a hand on my shoulder and sighed again. "I really am sorry that your Quidditch journey has been rough so far. I don't — I don't regret choosing you for the team, you belong here just as much as everyone else I chose, but I'm so sorry for all of the difficulties that have come with it, on and off the Pitch."

"And so continues the 'It's not your fault' cycle," I replied with a small grin. "Hey, maybe I'll get lucky and forget it all because of this head injury."

Frank frowned. "Not funny. Well, I told Pat that I wasn't to talk to her individually once I checked up on you, so I reckon I should go do that now, and you should head to the Hospital Wing."

I started to protest and swear I was alright, but Frank wouldn't hear it, so I stowed my broom in my locker, avoiding Pat's eyes as I did so, then made my way up to the castle. I intended to go to the Hospital Wing, really I did, but I was just so tired of being in the Hospital Wing four or five times a week. Instead, I wandered the castle a bit, to give Frank and Pat time to have their conversation and head back up to, preferably, their dormitories, so I didn't have to see anyone.

I didn't want to face anyone else's concern. I was so tired of hurting people, and worrying people, and burdening people in general.

To minimize my chances of crossing paths with Pat and Frank when they made their way to Gryffindor Tower, I set off in the opposite direction entirely. I wondered, for a second, if it was smart, wandering the castle by myself at night when my head was spinning so much, and then I realized I didn't care. The all-encompassing emptiness dampened the fear I knew I should have been feeling. I felt nothing at all, except for a quiet burning shame that I always carried with me. It was the weight of existence, I'd realized, and it would forever tether me to the world, until I one day shuffled off this mortal coil, in the words of William Shakespeare.

I thought of hauntings. Hamlet, from which I'd gleaned the phrase of "shuffle off this mortal coil," was all about ghosts. Of all that had been, of all that could still come to pass. I was no Hamlet, but I understand what it meant to be haunted.

My whole first year of school, I was haunted by the potential I'd once had. Back when I was Cassidy Williams and the world made sense. Well... more sense. The world never truly made sense, not to me. Even before I knew I had magic, there had always been something about me that set me apart from my family and from my friends.

I didn't have many friends at all. I was friendly to people, I was always friendly, but in Muggle school, very few people were friendly in return in any way that mattered. My peers wanted to take advantage of my academic prowess when they could and tear me down when they couldn't. I struggled socially, never fitting in with the other girls my age. I had a couple of friends who were boys, we played football together on the lawn, but that was as deep as our friendship went. When Leah moved to town the summer before fifth grade, I was ecstatic to finally have a friend, a best friend, but that had ultimately been short-lived. We'd only had a year together, in the end.

My extended family was okay. They were nice enough. My grandparents loved me. None of that had mattered, in the end.

Bradley was good. Bradley was my best friend. Bradley was all that mattered. Bradley was gone, because of our parents.

My mom said I felt too much, I was too sensitive. My sorrows and my anxieties were something to be ridiculed rather than soothed, because my emotions, when they spilled forth, were a burden. I was to keep my mouth shut in the face of injustice, because my empathy would solve nothing. As a child, my mother's attempts to poke fun at me, however lighthearted, went over my head. She only doubled down on her mockery when I cried, saying it was all in good fun and I needed to be able to take a joke, I needed to be able to understand sarcasm. The real world was cruel, she said, far crueler than I thought she was, and she was the best person to teach me that. I wondered offhandedly what she'd think of the way I was being bullied, half a world away. It didn't matter. In the end, it was my mother who embodied the worst cruelty the world had to offer. She had been the one to steal my brother's light from it. She tried to kill me too. I wondered if the world would be better off if she had succeeded.

As far as my dad was concerned, I didn't know what to make of him. I hadn't seen much of him in my life, really. He was out of the house for twelve or more hours every weekday for work, and his weekends were often spent doing yard work outside, away from his wife and children. He was an introvert, like me, and he was kind, like me. Or so I thought, but I supposed anyone could be corrupted. Or maybe he was a fraud all along — he had married my cruel mother, after all, and he'd thrown me into the water the same way she'd thrown their son into the water moments before. It didn't really matter that he hadn't tied my hands and feet together as tightly as she'd tied Bradley's. It didn't matter that he was maybe a little bit sorry for what he'd done, what they'd done. It didn't matter in the end. Because he was complacent, he was a participant, his regret meant nothing in the wake of what he'd done. What he'd tried to do. I thought my dad was kind, once. I thought he was like me, once. I'd been a daddy's girl, I'd wanted to be like him, once. I'd been his best friend, once. Magic had ruined that, or maybe magic had just exposed the hatred simmering beneath the surface all along.

Was magic my saving grace or my doom?

I wasn't sure. I'd never be sure.

My family life had never been ideal, even before magic had announced its presence to us. I didn't have many friends, so I never played with anyone other than Bradley, before Leah's family moved in around the corner. My mom controlled every aspect of my life, of our lives, deciding what we could eat and when we could eat it, what we could watch and when we could watch it, what we could read and when we could read it, what we could play and when we could play it. My bedroom, once I finally had my own, became my sanctuary, where I could listen to music and write, away from her ever-watchful presence. It was the only place I didn't feel truly suffocated, because school brought with it social difficulties and home brought with it difficulties of just about every other kind.

I retreated to my bedroom more often after my Ilvermorny letter arrived. Mom and Dad didn't want me around Bradley. For a couple hours a day, once my homework was done and I'd played outside for a bit, I could disappear into my room while Bradley busied himself with the TV, and I could carve out my own space in the world. I could write stories about magic, trying to imagine what it would be like. I wrote stories about my life as it was, too. I'd never been one for keeping a diary, but I tried every now and then, just to try to make sense of all of the emotions swirling around inside me. Those months, between the arrival of my letter and my departure for school, were lonely and terrifying. My parents, never particularly warm nor easy to please, were colder and harder to please than ever before. Nothing I ever did was good enough, because I was always still evil, I was always still magic no matter what I did.

Magic had pulled me away from all of that, for better or for worse. Magic had pulled me across an ocean, into the loving arms of the friends I'd forged over time.

The friends I'd been slowly but surely pushing away.

I was trapped in an endless tug-of-war.

The ghosts of my past tugged on me, pulling me down down down. Bradley was dead. Bradley was gone. Bradley was never coming back. Bradley would remain in the past, forever.

The past meant pain, immeasurable pain, but that was where Bradley was, where Bradley would forever be. If I went far back enough in the past, I found a little girl, little Cassidy, eyes alight with the hope that one day she'd be enough for her parents, blissfully unaware of all of the heartbreak that waited for her just down the road. If I waded through the pain of the past, I'd find glimmers of light too. Bradley. Leah.

My friends of the present tugged on me too, trying to pull me up. Carter. James. Sirius. Marlene. Lily. Remus. Peter. Mary. Daphne. Keira. Maybe even Regulus.

But the present was complicated, so complicated. I'd pushed my friends away, I'd pushed everyone away.

The bullies of the present were ghosts in their own right. I always felt like someone was watching me, lurking behind every corner, waiting to jump out and finish me off. I only hoped none of my friends would be around to get caught in the crossfire. My friends were good, they were light and hope and courage and love personified, and the thought of any harm coming to anyone I loved because of me was unthinkable.

Never again. Never again. Never again.

I knew logically that what happened to Bradley wasn't my fault, but the question of "Could I have done more to save him?" would haunt me forever.

I snapped out of my daze when I heard footsteps behind me. I didn't want to be seen by anyone, friend or foe, so I ducked into the nearest room and closed the door silently behind me and waited for the person to pass.

Once my eyes had adjusted to the room, I spied an old mirror in the corner, illuminated by the bright moonlight streaming through the windows. The person in the hallway walked past the door and kept walking. I stared at the mirror, then walked over to it, just to make sure I didn't have any visible injuries that would expose the truth that I had not, in fact, gone to the Hospital Wing, just in case anyone was still awake by the time I returned to Gryffindor Tower.

My breath hitched in my throat as I looked into the mirror, though.

Of course it was a magic mirror. Of course it was a magic mirror.

It was all of my friends, in one place, with me, and with Bradley.

I stepped closer to examine the scene, struggling to breathe.

It was the Gryffindor common room. There was a disco ball hanging from the ceiling, and there must have been music I couldn't hear playing, because everyone was dancing and laughing and singing. Except for Regulus and Bradley, who were sitting in the back of the room playing wizard's chess, casting exasperated yet fondly amused looks at the rest of us. All of my Gryffindors friends were there, along with Carter and Daphne and Keira. Everyone was beckoning to me, inviting me closer, welcoming me into the scene.

I moved another step closer. It was a magic mirror. Maybe somehow it was real. Even if it wasn't real, maybe I could somehow step inside it, like a dream, or a trance, or —

I bounced off of the reflective surface of the mirror.

No. Not real. No dream, no trance. No happiness for me, whether it was real or not.

Tears burned my eyes, and I fled the room, feeling completely and utterly defeated.

How dare that mirror mock me, presenting me with everything I've ever wanted, only for it to be trapped behind the glass. Never mine to touch, never mine to hold.

Forever out of reach.

As I approached the final staircase leading up to the portrait, I stopped to catch my breath, not wanting to appear overly distraught. I didn't want to explain that I hadn't gone to the Hospital Wing and I'd instead found an evil mirror intent on destroying every last remnant of my sanity. Fortunately, no tears had fallen, so it was easy enough to blink those away, and once I stopped breathing hard, I climbed the steps two at a time, just wanting to get the interaction over with so I could be alone.

The whole team was waiting for me in the common room except for Pat, who'd apparently stormed up to her dormitory after trying and failing to justify herself to everyone else on their way up to the castle. Once I assured everyone I was alright and I didn't blame anyone other than myself for what had happened, I said I was tired and just wanted to sleep, so they let me go — well, James hugged me tight for a solid minute, but he let me go to bed after that.

"It was ridiculous," Marlene spat as we started climbing the stairs to our dormitory. "Pat kept trying to defend herself, saying it was an accident and that you were tougher than you looked after the year you've had so far and that you'd be okay and that the 'real world' was far less forgiving so it was silly of Frank to stop practice just because one person got hurt. James and I tried to argue with her, but she just smiled at us and said we mustn't blame ourselves for the fact that we had 'advantages' over you. We couldn't get a word in edgewise, and we all tried. Even Frank had a hard time getting her to shut up, I don't know how much you heard of our impromptu team meeting while you were on the ground."

"Nothing specific, just lots of yelling," I said, feeling small and defeated. My head was throbbing. I wanted to be alone. "I'm just going to take a shower and go to bed and hope everything's better tomorrow."

"It's the weekend, at least," Marlene replied with a shrug.

When we entered the dormitory, Mary was sitting cross-legged on the floor playing her flute while Lily sat on her bed, nose buried in a book.

"Oh, you're back soon," Mary commented.

Lily glanced up. "Did something happen?"

"No," I said just as Marlene said a louder "Yes" and launched into an angry recap of the story. I silently grabbed my pajamas and disappeared into the bathroom to shower before I had to confront anyone else's concern.

Alone with my thoughts once again, they began to get louder as the pounding in my head increased.

The mirror. The fucking mirror. Everyone I loved, all in one place. All I ever wanted.

Forever out of reach.

The hot water of the shower, always such a comfort, had seemingly turned to acid. It burned. I dropped to my knees and cried silently into my hands, shielding my face from the water that threatened to undo me entirely.

I felt flayed. I felt like my soul had somehow been ripped right out of me and smashed to pieces, every last hope and dream ground to dust on the floor, swept away by the water and washed out to sea, never to amount to anything ever again.

I longed for something I could never have. Something that had been played out before my very eyes, something that would never materialize except in that cruel mirror, unless it followed me into dreams and haunted me there.

Magic was my doom. I was sure, then and there, that magic was my doom.

Little by little, I gathered myself and rose to my feet, finishing out my shower in a rush, desperate to get out of the water for the first — no, for the second time in my life.

I felt flayed. I felt exposed. I felt raw.

I hastily donned my pajamas, then a dressing gown, then crawled into bed with nothing more than a quiet good night to my roommates before I pulled the curtains of my bed shut around me. I was donning armor, as best I could, trying to protect myself from whatever evil was hunting me that night, one layer at a time.

It wasn't enough. The evil had found me. The demons were in my mind already, whispering to me, trapped inside the armor with me.

I laid in bed and trembled, wracked with demons I knew by name.

Grief. Shame. Terror. Despair.

I shut my eyes tight, as if that would be enough to ward the demons off, but nothing would calm the raging sea in my mind. It was all so overwhelming I didn't know what to do about any of it. Telling anyone about it was impossible. I'd pushed everyone away. Sleep was impossible.

I was tired, I was so tired, but not in any way sleep could heal.

An unknown amount of time later, I realized I was far too warm, sweating profusely wrapped in a dressing gown in addition to my pajamas beneath a mountain of blankets. When I shimmied out of bed to shed my dressing gown, I realized just how nice the cold air of the castle felt against my skin.

Air. I needed air.

I cast a glance at my roommates, all of whom were asleep.

Good. That was good.

I stole from the room, something dark and unknown seeming to possess me. I was utterly unaware of what was going on in my mind, in my soul, but my feet seemingly moved of their own accord. My conscious mind couldn't keep up with whatever commands my unconscious mind was barking, but before I knew it, I found myself in the Astronomy Tower.

Alone. I was alone.

Good. That was good.

Air. I needed air.

There was air in abundance in the Astronomy Tower. Plenty of fresh air, and plenty of stars. It was a cloudless night, the moon almost full.

I thought of Remus then. The full moon was two nights away.

I missed him. I missed all of the Gryffindors.

I thought of Remus then, and James, and Lily, and of Beth and Jo.

"I've always felt like I'd die young," I said to Carter, a year or so ago.

Maybe I was Beth after all.

I approached the railing anyway. Just to get air. Fresh air. Crisp night air, beneath a sky full of stars.

Sirius and Regulus. The Black family. The stars. Cold and distant and lordly, Regulus had said. He didn't want to be like that, though. Neither did Sirius.

What did I want to be?

Dead.

The answer was immediate.

I clutched the railing, initially surprised with myself. No, no, that was crazy. The shock wore off in time, though, as the truth set in.

I didn't know what I wanted to be. I couldn't just go back and be a Muggle. Given the way Gryffindors and Slytherins alike had reacted to something as small as a little Muggle-born girl being chosen for the Quidditch team, my prospects for magical employment weren't looking swell, either. No matter where I went, I'd never be truly safe. I was supposed to be missing, more likely dead, in the Muggle world anyway. And as far as the magical world was concerned, blood supremacists wanted me dead too, and even the people who weren't blood supremacists appeared to be indifferent at best. No Ravenclaws or Hufflepuffs ever tried to protect me, and that was for the best. The people who had tried to protect me were risking their necks to do so. Sirius had gotten his arm broken. Who knew what else could happen if the bullying continued, or, worse, intensified?

What would I do for the next couple of weeks, just waiting for the match?

Carter was right, I couldn't hide forever. Hiding would be my undoing. I'd seen the horrible mirror when I was hiding instead of fighting. And it may not have even been a fight, for all I knew. It could have been an indifferent Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff walking by, someone who would have left me alone. I would never know, because I had been a coward and hidden, and that decision might have sealed my fate. Fuck that mirror, fuck that mirror.

And what about the match itself?

Pat didn't care enough about me to protect me. Everyone else cared, but Pat and Gabriel were the only ones with any real power to protect me on the Pitch, unless someone else were foolish enough to get between me and a Bludger. If only one person on the Pitch was willing and able to protect me in the upcoming Slytherin match, I really ought to just make it easier for Slytherin and throw myself off the Astronomy Tower then and there.

What would I do if we lost? Surely I'd get bullied worse than ever, by everyone. And what would I do even if we won? I still could be bullied worse than ever, if my success just made everyone even more angry.

I was so overwhelmed by the unknown that I was certain I'd sink beneath the weight of it.

I climbed onto the parapet, sitting down and looking at my dangling feet.

The metal of the railing felt cold beneath my hands.

I looked up at the stars, and my grip on the railing tightened involuntarily.

I only ever felt afraid when I was looking up.

I looked down.

I didn't fear the fall anymore, because everything was pulling me down down down.

Gravity. The past. Guilt, shame, terror, despair. The weight of existence.

I'd never feared the fall before because I trusted that I'd land on my feet. Like a cat, or a squirrel, I wasn't sure which was more appropriate. My mom hated cats, almost as much as she hated me. Carter had listed all of the ways I was similar to squirrels, though.

Carter. Oh fuck, Carter.

He'd been spending so much time with me, surely he missed his other friends, Daphne and Keira, maybe even Sirius and Regulus. He'd be better off with his other friends. His dad would approve of his other friends more so than me. Even Daphne, the Muggle-born, was a Slytherin, at least, and Sirius, the Gryffindor, was a pure-blood, at least. I was Voldemort's worst nightmare, and his son's best friend.

His son had traveled across an ocean, twice, to save me.

It wouldn't be necessary anymore, if I could bring myself to let go of the railing.

I looked up again at the stars.

Regulus and Sirius.

I looked down again at the ground.

Bradley and me.

I looked up, directly above me, and felt my stomach flip.

I only ever felt afraid when I was looking up.

I looked down, directly below me, and felt my throat go dry.

I only ever felt afraid when I was looking up. Why was I suddenly afraid of the fall too?

Blood roared in my ears. It was all so much, it was all too much. I didn't want to exist anymore, but more than that, I wanted to have never existed at all. It was too late, it was too late. It was too late for Bradley, it was too late for me.

Why wouldn't my hands let go of the railing?

Someone suddenly grabbed me, arms wrapping around my chest and yanking me backward, sending me crashing to the ground.

I scrambled for my wand, an out-of-place survival instinct, muscle memory, but it was Carter's face swimming in my vision, Carter's hands helping me to a sitting position.

"It's okay, it's me, it's me," he said softly. "It's okay. I'm here."

I opened my mouth, looking for something, anything to say, but no words would come, just wild, incomprehensible half-sobs. I stopped trying to speak and just buried myself against him, sobbing as Carter's arms wrapped around me and pulled me tight.

"Hey." Sirius sounded as if he'd had the wind knocked out of him. I heard the shuffling of fabric as he crouched down next to me and placed a shaking hand on my shoulder. "Hey, Cass, it's okay. I'm here too. It's okay."

I cried harder, not having any words to offer either boy. It was so overwhelming. I was so tired.

After a couple of minutes of letting me cry, Carter released me slowly. I positioned myself with my back up against the parapet, and Sirius scrambled to sit on my other side. Carter held tight to my right hand, and Sirius clung to my left arm.

"What were you thinking, Cass?" Carter asked, his voice rough. I hadn't even realized he was crying too.

"I don't — I don't — " My hand spasmed and tightened around his. "I don't know what to do anymore. People want me dead everywhere I go, why shouldn't I give everyone what they want?"

"Because we don't want that," Sirius said. "Who gives a fuck about what anyone else wants for you? They don't love you, we do."

"You could do better than me," I replied in a small voice.

A wet laugh punched out of Carter. "I find that hard to believe. It doesn't matter anyway, because we love you."

"I'm sorry," I choked out, crying again.

"Stop." Carter squeezed my hand and rested his head against my shoulder. "Please."

"I make everything worse," I cried. "I make everything so much worse. I'm not even supposed to be here, I was never supposed to be here. I was supposed to be a normal Muggle girl and grow up in California, and then when that didn't work out I was supposed to go to Ilvermorny, then when that didn't work out I ended up here. And then this summer I was supposed to die in that lake — "

"Stop," Carter begged.

I wanted to stop, for his sake, but even more than that, I wanted, no, needed to take all of the horrible thoughts trapped in my head and throw every last one out into the open. Once I started purging, I found it hard to stop.

" — but I didn't, and I don't even know if the Potters — "

"Stop, Cass, please," Sirius cut in. "The Potters love you. You should hear James talk about the time you spent together this summer. His parents wish you wrote more often, you know. They miss you."

"I'm not their kid, they should never have had to — "

"You're safer and happier and healthier there than you ever were in California," Carter interjected. "Don't start."

"And what about Quidditch?" I continued. "I don't think this bullying will ever stop, and I don't think it even matters if we win or lose, and — "

"You'll have us with you no matter what," Sirius said.

Carter groaned. "She's under the impression that you'd be better off hating her. Reminding her that you don't is getting nowhere, she's too trapped in a loop of dark thoughts to understand that. We have to get her through this with logic."

I froze and turned to look at Carter as Sirius lost his grip on my arm. "How did you — are you using your Legilimency on me?"

"No." I watched him clench his jaw. He couldn't bring himself to look at me, staring instead at one of the large telescopes. "It was a guess."

"No, it wasn't," I said. "Carter, please."

Carter turned to look at me, then Sirius, then me again. He deflated with a shaky sigh. "It wasn't a guess because this, you... I've been here too."

I searched for something to say, but finding nothing, I just held Carter's hand tighter and buried my face against his shoulder.

"I didn't know," I whispered. "I'm sorry."

Carter rubbed my back reassuringly. "It's okay. I haven't been here, in a state like yours, in a long time. But it never really goes away. It gets better and it gets worse, but it's always there. Once you open the door, it's impossible to close. It's okay, though, I promise. This is about you."

"There's no me without you," I said.

Carter's hand stilled against my back.

Silence fell then, broken by Sirius after a minute.

"Forgive me for being indelicate, but you're both nutters," he declared. "Logic, yeah? Alright. Logical reasons you can't off yourselves? Cass, you're on your Quidditch team, it'd be unfair to make Frank replace you so soon before the match. Carter, you're certainly going to get the Slytherin Chaser spot when it opens next year, once Lucius Malfoy graduates, good riddance. And if I'm not mistaken, you two tied for top of the class last year, so you'd be doing the world a disservice by dying before you could put those brains to good use for the betterment of society, or whatever you decide to do."

"Carter's top of the class. I let him beat me," I corrected. "I got one question wrong on each final exam on purpose so his dad wouldn't get upset that a Muggle-born girl tied for top of the class with his son."

"I didn't know that," Carter said. "Wait, you — "

"Yeah, I did. Sorry, secret's out." I pried myself out of his arms but kept hold of his hand, offering him a sheepish look.

Carter shook his head at me, undeniable fondness on his face.

"Right, well, you two are tied for top of the class in every way except officially," Sirius continued. "Cass, Remus wouldn't be able to talk about books with anyone. James would go home an only child, again. Peter really loves you, in his own quiet way. And who else would enjoy Daphne's music?"

"I haven't seen you with your Walkman in ages," Carter remarked. "Did it stop working again?"

I shook my head.

"Where is it, then?" Carter asked.

"I haven't taken it out of my trunk in weeks," I admitted.

"Well that's ridiculous," Carter muttered. "Go listen to music again, it makes you happy. Why would you not do something that makes you happy?"

I shrugged. "I haven't — been in the mood."

"So put yourself in the mood." Sirius nudged me with his shoulder. "Cheer yourself up."

"What if it's not that easy?" I replied.

Sirius shrugged. "What if it is that easy?"

"If it's not, you just keep trying until you find something that does cheer you up," Carter said. "But I know you. I've seen the way you light up listening to music. You owe it to yourself to at least try listening to music before you... you know. And what about Myrtle and her books? I thought you wanted to figure out a way to help her read."

"I'm not clever enough for that," I whispered. "I should never have offered. I'll just let her down."

"I very much doubt that," Carter replied.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, Cass, you don't give up. Not when it matters, at any rate. If this Myrtle person and her books matter to you, you'll figure something out."

"Myrtle's the ghost in the second floor girls' bathroom," I explained. "I thought it must be so boring and lonely to be a ghost I offered her my books, but she can't interact with anything physically, so I need to find or invent a spell that turns the pages for her, and — " I blinked. "Myrtle's books."

"Myrtle's books," Carter repeated, nodding. "One reason to stay alive at a time, okay? Myrtle's books first. Then you'll find another reason to keep going. It doesn't matter how small it is, a reason is a reason. One reason at a time until it gets better and you find yourself drowning in reasons to stay alive. Wait, that was a horrible choice of words, I'm sorry — "

In spite of myself, I managed a laugh. "Of all of the words in the world, Carter — "

"I know, I know." Carter grinned. "Well, would you look at that? You're laughing."

"And it's not at my expense for once!" Sirius added cheerfully, which made me laugh more.

Carter's grin widened. "Life isn't quite so bad as it seems, yeah?"

I felt my smile falter and fade, but I nodded.

"Anyway, other logical reasons not to off yourself... Lily would miss competing with you in class," Sirius continued. "Marlene would go crazy in that dorm without you. You know she argues with Lily on a near-daily basis over something or another. And I don't know Mary all that well, but I'm sure she enjoys your company. You two have a different type of music in common."

"And Regulus told me all about your, shall we say, encounter," Carter said. "You need to beat him at wizard's chess at least once in your life."

"You talked to Regulus?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah. It was, um, rather accidental." I snorted. "I lost to him at wizard's chess yesterday. He seems to be doing well with school so far."

Sirius nodded, saying nothing else.

"And Keira would miss you," Carter added.

I blinked. "I almost never talk to Keira. How would she miss me?"

"Oh, she would," Carter said. "You'll just have to trust me on that. You're already trusting me with far more significant matters, so I'm sure that one's easy."

"How did you find me?" I asked, desperate to change the subject.

Carter reached forward and tapped the necklace. "I was already worried about you, since you seemed extra depressed today, then my necklace started going mad. Sirius was out under the invisibility cloak, like he often is, and saw me running, so he naturally chased after me once I explained you were in trouble."

"How did it alert you?" I asked. "I thought it only alerted you if I screamed."

"It's gotten more attuned to you over time, I've noticed," Carter said. "I don't know if I've gotten better at reading you, or if it's the magic of the necklaces, or both, but I could just tell your life was in danger tonight, and I couldn't figure out why."

Sirius rested a hand on my knee, grey eyes searching me. "What happened, Cass? Why this, why tonight?"

"I was coming back up to the castle alone after practice, and I just started wandering, I don't know why, and I heard someone walking behind me. I didn't want to find out who it was, so I ducked into the first classroom I found, and there was this mirror there. I don't... I don't know what it is, but it showed me..." I felt tears crawling back up my throat. "It was my friends, all of my friends, Gryffindor and Slytherin alike, except my brother was there too, playing chess with Regulus and... I don't know, something just snapped. I think I've been feeling this... this hopelessness for a long time, but all of a sudden, I couldn't handle it anymore. It was like realizing for the first time that what I want most is impossible. I knew it already, I knew my brother is gone and never coming back, but seeing him again, like that, I — I — "

"Fucking Mirror of Erised," Carter muttered. "It's not your fault, Cass, that mirror is enough to drive anyone mad. I know for a fact my father found it when he was in school too. He wanted me to find it and look into it and tell him what I saw. It shows you your deepest desires — 'Erised' is 'desire' backwards — but it doesn't care how right or wrong it is, let alone how achievable it is. Salazar Slytherin invented it, so the ambitious could return to it as a source of motivation to achieve whatever their loftiest dreams were, but after — ironically — a Slytherin killed himself in the common room after having a mental breakdown over what he saw in the mirror..."

"I see." I sighed shakily. "Why is it still here?"

"You know, you could do us all a favor and go back and smash it. I don't give a damn that it's a centuries-old magical artifact," Sirius said.

"I'll think about it," I replied. Tears swelled in my eyes again. "I still don't know what to do, about anything."

Carter reached for my hand and held it gently in his. "One step at a time, Cass. You do it one step at a time. You do your homework. You eat. You sleep. You play Quidditch. You work on figuring out Myrtle's books, because I know you feel best when you're helping someone else. And — " Carter squeezed my hand. "You talk to us about this. You're not going to be left alone, not for a very long time, we're going to figure out a system so that someone is physically with you at all times after tonight, but Cass, please, talk to us. Talk to me."

"And me," Sirius added. "In case you haven't noticed, I care about you too. Maybe I didn't go across the ocean and back for you over summer the way Carter did, but, well, I would."

"Thanks," I whispered. I drew another shaky breath, trying to slow the racing of my heart, trying to still the pounding of my head.

"That's good," Carter murmured. "Deep breaths, that's it."

I nodded, complying. I let my eyes sink shut as I felt myself settle back into my body a little bit. When I was in distress, I often felt as if my whole being was contained only in the ricocheting thoughts being fired back and forth in my mind, those thoughts drowning all else out, but in the aftermath, I had no choice but to take stock of the various ways the rest of my body had reacted to the crisis. I was settling back into my body then, suddenly more aware of just how alive I really was.

I rested my head back against the parapet without thinking, and I winced as pain shot through my skull.

"It's going to be okay," Carter said, though if it was to himself or to me, I couldn't really tell.

After we'd been sitting there for several long silent minutes — Sirius drumming his fingers in an unpredictable pattern against my knee, Carter rubbing his thumb up and down against my hand, and me just taking deep breaths with my eyes closed to combat the voices in my head that wanted me to stop breathing entirely — Carter squeezed my hand one more time and let go, getting to his feet.

I forced my eyes open, finding the action difficult. Carter was standing in front of me, extending a hand.

"You two ought to get back to Gryffindor Tower," he said. "If you leave in the next couple of minutes, you'll get back to Gryffindor Tower without encountering any prefects."

"You've memorized the prefects' rounds?" Sirius asked.

Carter nodded. "Of course. I don't have an invisibility cloak. Come on, Cass, up you get."

I let Carter haul me up, and I didn't even bother trying to steady myself when dizziness threatened to overwhelm me. I crumpled into Carter's waiting arms, all of the fight drained out of me. He held me close, held me up, knowing I always felt dizzy when I got to my feet, knowing me well and loving me anyway.

"Don't let her go anywhere alone," Carter said to Sirius as he slowly helped me find my balance. "Take her back to your dorm. Send James to me as soon as he's awake, I need to talk to him. Tell him to meet me on the first floor of the DADA tower. I'll be there. Just keep her safe, please."

"I will," Sirius replied.

Carter hugged me tighter than he ever had before, then let me go, his expression shuttered. He cradled my face in his hands and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Don't do anything else stupid, yeah? I love you, you daft fucking cow."

"Yeah," I agreed in a choked whisper. "I love you too, asshole."

Sirius grabbed my hand, offering me a weak smile. "Come on, Socks, you're sleeping with me tonight. I'm in such a generous mood I'll even let you keep your socks on, even though I usually enforce a strict 'my bed, my rules' policy."

"Lucky me," I replied. I glanced at Carter. "What about you? You're going to be okay, right?"

"I'm not going to do anything stupid," he said.

"Promise?" I asked.

Carter nodded. "Promise."

With that, Sirius tossed the cloak over the two of us, and we returned to Gryffindor Tower hand-in-hand. None of the boys in his dormitory stirred when we entered, which was a relief.

"Ladies first," Sirius said in a whisper, gesturing to his bed with a dramatic sweep of his arms.

"I take offense to that," I whispered back. "I've never wanted to be a lady."

"Gits first, then," he amended, gesturing even more grandly to his bed.

I playfully nudged him toward the bed, and his jaw dropped.

"You said gits first," I whispered.

Sirius tugged me down into his bed, right on top of him, and the two of us set to work making ourselves comfortable. I slept on my side, and so did Sirius, so we curled up facing each other.

I had just pulled the blankets up to my chin and closed my eyes when Sirius tucked a loose lock of still-wet hair back from my face.

"Don't go," he whispered desperately. "Please."

"Okay," I whispered, too tired to offer any other reassurance, and slipped away into sleep.

When I next opened my eyes, all I knew was that the sun was bright, and my head was killing me. I put my hand over my eyes, trying to remember why my head was hurting this time. The events of the night returned to me in a rush, and I dropped my hand so I could look around.

Sirius was propped up on his elbow next to me, studying me very intently.

"Good morning," I said, my voice small and scratchy.

"Good afternoon," he replied.

"Afternoon?" I croaked in disbelief.

Sirius nodded. "How are you feeling?"

I propped myself up and glanced around the room, only to discover that it was empty. "Where's everyone else?"

"Remus and Peter went down to lunch, James is still talking to Carter as far as I'm aware. How are you feeling this morning, Cass?"

"My head hurts," I admitted.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "I thought you went to the Hospital Wing for that last night."

I flopped back down against the pillow. "Fuck."

"Oh, Cass, love, whatever are we going to do with you?" Sirius asked, but there was no real annoyance in his voice.

"Let me go back to sleep, maybe?" I replied.

Sirius chuckled. "Alright, whatever you want."

I hummed contentedly and burrowed myself back into Sirius Black's blankets — which were surprisingly warm and comfortable — and I had nearly fallen back asleep when the door to the dormitory burst open and something, someone landed on top of me.

"Cass," James choked out, hugging me tight, breathing heavily. "Cass."

"Morning, James," I managed. "I take it Carter told you, then?"

He nodded. A soft sob escaped him, and a fresh wave of guilt swept over me.

Oh James, I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry," I said.

James jerked upward, shaking his head frantically. "No, Cass, don't be sorry, don't. It's okay, it's going to be okay, you're okay, you're going to be okay." He collapsed back down on top of me and held me tighter. "You're okay. You're going to be okay. Mum and Dad will come, and — "

"What?" I pushed myself back and up into a sitting position. "Why?"

"Because they need to see you," James said, as if that should be obvious.

Panic surged through me. "Won't they be upset? No, this is a bad idea, they shouldn't — I don't want — I didn't mean — "

"How did Carter know you'd react like this?" James mumbled, half to himself and half to me. He placed his hands on my shoulders. "Cass, you need help. What happened last night isn't something normal that can just be brushed off."

"It was a mistake," I said, "I didn't mean it, nothing happened, it's not a big deal, I should never have — I didn't mean for all of this — "

"James, maybe your parents shouldn't come," Sirius interjected with a nervous look at me.

James inhaled deeply, then released his breath in a sigh. "Look, I know you two have complicated relationships with your parents, and you wouldn't want your parents knowing about something like this, but it's the right thing to do, I promise. This problem is bigger than us."

"I can handle it," I pleaded. "James, please, it was a mistake, I don't want to cause any trouble. They don't have to come."

"Cass, they care about you," James said patiently. "We all do. And we're going to do everything possible not to lose you, even if you're a little uncomfortable with it at first. When you're used to something being wrong, something being right feels uncomfortable and, well, wrong, at first. If you want to get better, really get better, you have to get used to being a little uncomfortable. The people who love you most won't steer you wrong, I promise. We can make sure that you getting better is uncomfortable in all of the right ways, but Cass, you have to trust us."

Sirius looked at me knowingly. "It's easier said than done. Not being able to trust your family to want what's best for you can really fuck with you."

"Yeah," I whispered, picking at my cuticles under the covers. I cleared my throat and looked at James. "But can — can we maybe — maybe not tell your parents? Not yet?"

His face softened. "Cass, I'm sorry, but they need to know about what happened — what almost happened — last night. It is a big deal."

"I'm sorry," I choked out. "It wasn't supposed to be."

"It's okay," James said. "It's okay. How about we compromise? We can tell my parents what happened, but we don't have to ask them to come. You don't want to be an inconvenience, right?"

I nodded.

"This wouldn't be an inconvenience, but... if they come without being asked, it'll be because they wanted to come, yeah? They wanted to come because it wasn't an inconvenience?"

"Okay," I relented. "That's — okay."

"Come here," James said, pulling me into another hug. He sighed shakily and deflated against me. "It's scary, but it's going to be okay. You're going to be okay."

The door to the dormitory yet again, this time revealing a confused-looking Marlene. "Cass? I crossed paths with McGonagall on my way back from lunch. She wants to talk to you, she's waiting for you in her office."

"What?" Yet another wave of panic slammed against me. "Why?"

"She didn't say, she just said it was urgent," Marlene replied with a shrug.

"Well, best not keep her waiting," Sirius said, patting me on the shoulder.

"I'll go with you," James said without hesitation. "Come on."

"I'm not even dressed," I protested.

James hurried over to his trunk and fished out his dressing gown. "Here, this'll do."

I reluctantly rolled out of bed. "Thanks, James."

I tugged on his dressing gown, wrapping it as tightly as possible around me so that it fit like a hug. I needed all of the hugs I could get those days. James led the way down to Professor McGonagall's office, and she called for me to come in as soon as I knocked.

"Good morning, Miss Williams, Mr. Potter," she said. "I do believe I only asked for Miss Williams."

"I'll wait outside," James replied, "but I didn't want Cass going anywhere alone."

Professor McGonagall nodded. "Very well. The portrait of Roderick Plumpton is particularly chatty, should you find yourself bored."

"Roderick Plumpton, as in the inventor of the Plumpton Pass?" James asked, eyes wide.

When Professor McGonagall nodded, James squeezed my shoulder and offered a quick "Good luck, Cass!" before darting back out into the corridor.

"It would appear that his love of Quidditch is genetic," Professor McGonagall remarked fondly as she watched him go.

"You knew his parents, then?" I asked.

She nodded. "His mother was my first Quidditch captain. I never knew Fleamont well, because he loved Potions and I've never been a fan, but Effie was something of a mentor to me and I respect her immensely to this day."

"That's sweet." I wrapped the sleeves of the borrowed dressing gown around my hands. "What did you want to discuss with me, Professor?"

"Come sit," Professor McGonagall replied, closing the door behind us with a flick of her wand. Once I'd obliged, sitting in a chair on the other side of her desk, she studied me for a long second, then began to speak. "I wanted to talk about the events of last night, after your Quidditch practice. Contemplating suicide is not something to be taken lightly."

The blood drained from my face. I looked down, unable to hold her gaze. "I know. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize," she said, "but I would like you to explain."

"Who told you? What do you already know?" I asked, staring down at my hands bunched in the fabric of the dressing gown.

"I know that last night, two of your friends found you in a dangerous situation. It was Carter Riddle who told me, though he didn't give me any specifics for fear of getting you in trouble. I tried to assure him you wouldn't be punished, but he was still rather apprehensive and didn't want to tell me anything other than the fact that he was worried for you and wanted my help making sure it couldn't happen again."

Professor McGonagall sighed, and I looked up at her to try to gauge her facial expression. To my surprise, she didn't look angry.

"You are not the first student to struggle in this way," she said, "nor will you be the last, I'm sure. Life is difficult and at times very overwhelming. I understand that you've had to endure the unthinkable in recent months, and for that, I'm so sorry. However, what you attempted last night is not the solution you think it is."

"I didn't attempt to do anything," I replied in a small voice, shaking my head. "I didn't even go up to the Astronomy Tower on purpose, I wasn't thinking about it at all, I just wanted fresh air and then I was there, and... I don't really know what happened next. I was thinking too many thoughts at once, each new thought worse than the last, and it just... I don't know. I didn't know what else to do, which sounds silly now that I say it out loud in the light of day, but I... I miss my brother. I'm tired of the bullying. I still hear my parents' voices in my head. Carter saved my life, first in August and again last night, but I don't know what to do with it."

I buried my face in my hands and choked out a sob, embarrassed by the fact that I was crying in front of Professor McGonagall of all people but being powerless to stop it.

She cleared her throat after a minute, and when I glanced up, she was offering me a handkerchief, a bright yellow square of fabric with white daisies stitched in the corners.

"You can keep that one, I have several, and I do believe I heard Sirius Black berating you once for having yellow as a favorite color when you are in fact a Gryffindor," Professor McGonagall informed me.

"Thank you," I said, accepting it and blowing my nose. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, please."

I nodded, face burning.

"I'm afraid that missing your brother will stick with you forever," Professor McGonagall said softly, "but it will get better, as the world keeps turning. No two griefs are the same, but I promise that every grief I have encountered, both those belonging to me and those belonging to others, has become less overwhelming with time. You will heal." She cleared her throat. "As far as the bullying goes, we Head of Houses have been in conversation with each other as well as with our prefects. It has never been acceptable, and we have tried to stop it from the beginning, but following the incident with Athena Selwyn in Potions class, we have tried to enforce a stricter no-tolerance policy. I am sorry to say nothing has offered any substantial relief, aside from a couple of detentions here and there when people have been overheard talking about what they've done to you in the corridors. I have tried researching a spell that we could place on the corridors to prevent magic from being used between classes, but unfortunately, no such spells exist. I'm sorry I can't offer more than this, but I assure you, we are concerned for your safety and have tried taking measures to ensure it is threatened as little as feasibly possible." She narrowed her eyes. "Kindly do not make our job more difficult by putting yourself in your own harm's way."

I nodded again.

"I'm sorry for what you've suffered at the hands of your parents, but they truly cannot touch you here. Muggles cannot find this place. The only dangers they pose to you are the ones you carry with you in your memories, and those too shall fade. As far as young Mr. Riddle is concerned, he cares about you very deeply, and he too would appreciate it if you didn't put yourself in your own harm's way again."

"I won't," I said meekly.

Professor McGonagall folded her hands in front of her. "Good. When all is said and done, you have to be what saves you. What happens in your mind is your responsibility. I know this sounds harsh, but it's true. Your friends can and do and will love you, but you have to be open to receiving that love when it's offered. I know there is nothing I or anyone other than yourself can do about the turmoil in your mind, but I can and do and will take steps to ensure your physical safety. If you are caught attempting to visit the Astronomy Tower for anything other than classes again, I will know about it, and we will have a far more unpleasant conversation than this one. Do you understand?"

I nodded, embarrassed tears pricking the backs of my eyes.

"Taking your own life is an interesting expression. Taking it from who?" Professor McGonagall shook her head. "Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it." Professor McGonagall sighed again, this time clearly sad. "Cass, dear, you need to understand just how much you mean to the people who love you. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it."

We talked a bit longer after that, but I just kept replaying her words over and over in my mind, like a broken record.

"Taking your own life is an interesting expression. Taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Cass, dear, you need to understand just how much you mean to the people who love you. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it."

By the time I returned to Gryffindor Tower with James, Sirius had talked to Marlene, Remus, and Peter about what had happened. I didn't want to talk about it anymore, I was embarrassed and exhausted and getting overwhelmed again by the sheer magnitude of everyone's concern, so I said I had homework to do. Nobody trusted me to be left alone, not even for a second, so Marlene followed me up and suggested doing my homework in the boys' dormitory, since she (correctly) assumed I didn't want Lily and Mary to have to hear about it too, which they would if the boys were to follow me up to our dorm.

"Taking your own life is an interesting expression. Taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Cass, dear, you need to understand just how much you mean to the people who love you. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it."

I grabbed my Walkman as well, and shoved it into my book bag.

"Taking your own life is an interesting expression. Taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Cass, dear, you need to understand just how much you mean to the people who love you. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it."

It felt silly, really, to be doing homework after the night I'd had. It felt silly to sprawl on the floor of the boys' room, knowing they were all watching me, and try to focus on Transfiguration. It felt silly to put my headphones over my ears and listen to music for the first time in weeks. It felt silly to walk down to dinner with my friends once again that night, it felt silly to sit wedged in between James and Sirius, it felt silly to wave at Carter across the Great Hall as if nothing had happened. It felt silly to just keep on, better than before, but I supposed that was the point.

One step at a time.

But was it really better? I wasn't sure.

The world felt a little brighter, with a song in my head and the walls I'd built between myself and my friends suddenly reduced to rubble. It felt brighter, but at the cost of darkness like I'd never known the night before. I could still feel the darkness all over me. I was adrift in it, I was clinging to a buoy in the sea of darkness, but I hadn't escaped the darkness yet. I wanted to try to escape it, I was trying to crawl onto the buoy, but the storm continued to rage around me. The buoy was good, the buoy was solid, the buoy was a safe place as long as I had the strength to hold onto it, but I knew I'd need something better soon, a shore, a proper shore, but in the meantime, the buoy was better than being tossed about in the open water. I was still being tossed about, I was still soaked from head to toe in the darkness from the night before, but the sun had found me. The darkness, the cold, it was lifting a little at a time.

One step at a time.

That evening, I worked with James to write a letter to his parents. We wrote it together, passing the quill back and forth, explaining what had happened and stressing that I was safe and would continue to be safe as I worked on feeling better. We walked it to the Owlery together, and when it started to rain on the way back, James bowed and extended his hand, inviting me to dance, and I found myself accepting his offer.

One step at a time.

James wanted to continue the dance party in his dormitory, suggesting that we talk Sirius and Remus and Peter into joining too, but I shook my head and said I had more work I had to do. This wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the full truth either. I didn't want to overwhelm Remus by being loud so close to the full moon.

I slept with Sirius again Saturday night, and around midnight, James crawled in and joined us. Peter slept through the night, and I knew Remus was too feverish and overstimulated leading up to the full moon to even consider being in such close quarters with other people, but I felt perfectly loved sandwiched between Sirius and James. They woke me when I had nightmares and held me closer with each awakening so I fell asleep feeling safer than before.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I realized the full moon was that night. Remus would need all of the peace and quiet he could get.

Fortunately, by the time I woke up, Peter was playing wizard's chess in the common room with Frank, so he was out of the way, not that he was ever loud or bothersome in the first place, but James and Sirius were still at large and in need of entertainment. I ended up explaining the dilemma of Myrtle's book and dragging James and Sirius to the library after lunch to help me find a book on spell invention. We browsed the shelves for hours, only to realize the book we'd need was in the Restricted Section, so we made a plan to return that night under the invisibility cloak. I suggested bringing Peter along, which would give Remus the chance to sneak out of the dormitory for the full moon. We wouldn't get the one-on-one time that we often did before the full moon, but I was doing my best to help him anyway.

Just before dinner, we received word via Peter that Effie and Fleamont had come after all, and they wanted to see me. James came with me when I asked him to, but talking to his parents wasn't as terrifying as I feared it would be. It wasn't a particularly enjoyable conversation by any means, because I still felt horribly guilty for generating so much concern, but they stressed repeatedly how loved I was and how glad they were that I was safe and how much they were looking forward to us being home for Christmas, us meaning James as well as me. Their words were largely white noise, because I could only contain so many kind and reassuring words in my soul that was already so laden with other people's attempts to dispel the darkness that seemed determined to cling to me, but their kindness meant a lot to me regardless, even it overwhelmed me. Uncomfortable, but in a good way, like James had said. Like the sunrise after a long night spend adrift in the sea of darkness. I would get used to it, he assured me as we walked down to dinner. Being loved like that would feel natural to me in time. James promised, and I always believed James Potter's promises.

After dinner, the four of us — James, Sirius, Peter, and me — huddled under the invisibility cloak and returned to the library. We were able to find a handful of books about spell invention rather easily, so we each grabbed one or two and returned to the common room within the hour. The boys insisted that they wanted to stay up and help me with research. I wanted to argue and insist that they all go to bed, but I didn't want anyone seeing the empty bed of Remus Lupin upstairs if it could be prevented, so I accepted their offer of help with an eagerness I did not truly feel and suggested that we all work together in the common room.

They all dropped off to sleep one by one, Peter first, then Sirius, then James. Fueled by both a desperate desire to be helpful and a crippling fear of what the full moon could hold for Remus, I skimmed book after book until I found something that would help me.

I'd had an idea for a voice-activated spell that would turn one page at a time. My original idea had been a spell that could be cast on the book that would just make the pages flip at the same uniform pace, but then I realized Myrtle might not want to read a book all in one sitting. Or standing. Or floating. Or... whatever it was that ghosts did. Point being, if I could just invent a spell that would let her turn one page at a time at her own pace, she could read a book without having to touch it. It would be a lot of work, coming up with an incantation and a wand movement, and it would be even harder figuring out how to make the spell a wandless one that ghosts could use, but I was determined to do something good, something kind, something that would somehow redeem all of the grief I'd given everyone lately.

I researched until sunrise, as evidenced by the fact that I was interrupted by the sound of the portrait hole opening.

The sound woke James and Sirius and Peter, who all blinked sleepily at Remus, who'd just appeared in the common room.

"Remus?" Sirius asked, stretching. "What're you doing here? Where've you been?"

James jolted upward, eyes wide. "Remus, you haven't been in the Astronomy Tower, have you?"

That question alerted Peter and Sirius, who scrambled up as well. Remus shot me a betrayed look that I didn't quite understand, then tore off in the direction of their dormitory.

"I'll talk to him," I said quickly, jumping to my feet and waving the other boys away. "You three stay put."

Anxiety swelled in me as I raced up the stairs. Remus had been quiet since Friday night, but I'd chalked it up to the approaching full moon. I realized my mistake as soon as I entered the boys' dormitory and found Remus sitting on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands.

Remus was always extra chatty before the full moons. It was after the full moons that he was always extra quiet.

"Remus," I said, approaching him slowly. "What's wrong?"

His brown eyes were wild as he looked at me. "What were you thinking?"

I froze. "What?"

"What were you thinking?"

"Just now? I'm sorry, I thought — I didn't — " I cast a silencing spell. "I didn't want them to come up here and see your bed was empty, I thought I was helping."

"They see my empty bed every other month!" he burst out. "Cass, what were you thinking?"

"I just explained what I was thinking, I'm sorry," I said desperately. "We can come up with a story right now, we — "

Remus was breathing heavily. "That's not — Cass — you — what were you thinking?"

"I don't understand your question, Remus, I'm sorry — "

"Friday night! What were you thinking Friday night?"

I blinked, sitting down hard on the side of Sirius's bed that faced Remus's. "What about it?"

"You have no idea, do you?" Remus asked, a half-crazed look in his eyes.

"I don't understand," I whispered. "I don't know what you want from me."

"Cass." His voice was little more than a harsh, strained whisper. "Do you have any idea how many times I've been there too, thinking that taking my own life is the only way to — to cope with what I am?"

My breath punched out of me. I collapsed in so hard on myself that I almost toppled off of the edge of the bed onto Remus's knees.

"If you think you should take your own life, Cass, what must you think of me and mine?" Remus continued. "You're not a monster, but I am. You have no reason to do something like that, none at all, but I do."

"That's not true," I choked out, looking up at Remus pleadingly. "Stop it, Remus, you're not a monster — "

"Oh yeah?" He yanked his left pant leg up to reveal that fresh bandages had been wrapped around his shin. "How do you explain that, then?"

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Does it matter?"

"Yes! Of course it matters! I care about you, and I never want to see you hurt, or worse, since that's apparently something you want too! No, I had no idea you felt that way, because I love you, and I care about you, and I've never once thought of you as a monster, let alone a monster who would be better off dead!"

"Yeah, and that's how everyone feels about you too!" Remus yelled back at me. I hadn't even realized I was yelling until he matched my volume. "You're no monster, Cass, you don't deserve any of the horrible shit that keeps happening to you!"

"You don't deserve it either!" I shouted. "You were four, Remus, four! What four-year-old deserves that?"

"I'm not four anymore! I could seriously injure someone, and I swear to Merlin, Cass, if you make the joke — "

I bit my lips together in a valiant attempt not to smile, terrified of upsetting Remus further, but he'd already seen the flicker of amusement in my eyes, and I watched as the anger died in his.

"Bloody hell," he said breathlessly. "You know, I've gotten a lot better at not saying that word unless it's refer to that boy, but in the heat of the moment, I..."

"You're slipping, Lupin," I replied, equally breathless.

Remus shook his head, and I switched beds, sitting next to him and resting a gentle hand on top of his, waiting for him to continue whatever point he was trying to make when he made the unfortunate word choice.

"I don't think you realize," Remus said slowly, "just how much I've... been affected by what's been happening to you and how you've chosen to deal with it as of late. Which is alright, I know you certainly have more than enough of your own problems without keeping mine in mind as well, but..." Remus sighed. "I'm sorry for exploding at you. I wish I could say it came out of nowhere, but it didn't."

"Alright. Talk to me, then. What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing. That's just it."

"I'm lost, Remus," I said.

"Sirius said you thought you made everything worse, but you don't. You've done nothing wrong, you don't make anything worse. If anyone does, it's me." I opened my mouth to protest, but Remus kept talking without letting me get a word in. "Do you have any idea how much of a burden I am on my parents? They have to go to such extraordinary lengths to keep us safe because of what I am. And here at school, the Whomping Willow was planted for me, the Shrieking Shack was built for me, Madam Pomfrey is always having to bend over backwards to help me — "

"Well, she's done the same for me too recently — " I interrupted.

"You didn't even go to the Hospital Wing after you got hit in the head during practice," Remus fired back. "I suspected as much, but I didn't trust you to give me a truthful answer, so I asked Madam Pomfrey. She's expecting to see you before breakfast, by the way."

I sighed. "Alright. But — Remus, think about all of the future students who will be helped by what they've built for you here. Sure, it was for you first, but it'll be for others later. You're the first werewolf student, sure, but there will be others after you who will benefit from you blazing a trail."

"I try to remind myself of that, but it's... it's still... it doesn't make it any easier in the meantime, feeling like such a burden."

"Maybe everyone else who comes after you will feel less like a burden," I said softly. "You don't make anything worse, Remus. There's nothing wrong with needing the accommodations you do. It's not your fault."

"You don't understand, Cass," he replied, his voice strained. "My own parents are terrified of me, of what I could do."

"So are mine."

Remus stopped, staring at me. "I guess, but it's different."

"Is it?"

"Yes, because this... what I am... I'm a monster, Cass. Everyone agrees on that, whether they're magical or Muggle. Werewolves cuts scar permanently, if you don't bleed out first. Werewolf bites create more werewolves. And you know just how awful it is being a werewolf."

"Maybe it'd be less awful if the world was more accepting," I suggested.

"Maybe the world's right not to be," he replied.

"Maybe I don't care," I said. "Maybe I enjoy being your friend."

"I watched you pull away from your friends, Cass. The second you were worried we could be hurt because of you, you pulled away."

I blinked. "Oh fuck. I didn't even think of that. Remus, I'm so sorry, please don't..."

Remus was looking at me, and I knew that he knew that I knew what he was thinking. I was being a hypocrite and we both knew it.

"It was a mistake," I whispered. "Remus, I messed up, I should never have pulled away like that. I could have died, alone, and it would have been my fault, but it would have been your problem. I'm sorry, I didn't realize how similar you thought our situations were until now, but please, learn from my mistakes. Don't destroy yourself. I love you, and your other friends do too, even though they don't know yet. I have a feeling they'd love you anyway."

"I was beginning to think maybe... maybe I ought to... no, I can't."

I froze. Remus "You're the only one who can ever know, Cass" Lupin was thinking about telling the other boys in his dorm that he was a werewolf?

"Seeing the way they've all rallied around you even when you were being so viciously bullied, and hearing about how much they wanted to keep helping you after you'd pulled away... I don't know," Remus said. "If it went well, it could make my life a lot easier a couple days a month. But if it didn't go well..."

"It's your decision and I'll support you no matter what you decide, but it's nice to hear you're thinking about it."

Remus sighed. "That said, they still don't know why I was seemingly gone all night, so if you'd be so kind as to help me generate a story — "

"Are we okay?" I asked in a small voice. "I'm really sorry I didn't realize how much I was affecting you, Remus. I was trapped in my own little self-loathing world without thinking about anyone else."

"We're okay," Remus said, "as long as you don't do that again. If you feel hopeless, what hope is there for me?"

I nodded, knowing better than to try to argue. "Maybe we can just agree that we're both deeply fucking traumatized people who should try to stay alive for the other's sake and sanity, if nothing else?"

"Sounds good," Remus agreed.

The two of us embraced then, and we held tight for a long time, our first proper hug in ages.

When we returned downstairs, I explained that Remus had slipped down to the Hospital Wing while we were asleep (because I didn't want anyone worrying about the fact that I'd been awake all night) to ask Madam Pomfrey if I'd been in there since Friday night, and he had just returned to chew me out but didn't want to do so in front of the others. We'd hashed it out, Remus said reassuringly, and we would be on our merry way down to the Hospital Wing as soon as possible. If the boys doubted our story at all, they didn't show it, and the two of us started making our way down to the Hospital Wing once we'd donned our uniforms and gotten our book bags ready for the day.

To my relief, my Monday after the Hospital Wing shaped up to be a fairly typical one, aside from how exhausted I was from staying awake all night. I was even somewhat glad when I got taunted by older Gryffindors in the halls, because as much as I hated it, for obvious reasons, I was glad for just a little bit of normalcy after the intensely abnormal weekend I'd had.

I was utterly unprepared for what happened in response to the typical taunting, though.

Before I could even register that a spell had been fired, one of the girls who had mocked me suddenly had antlers sprouting from her head.

"Oh deer!" Sirius exclaimed. "Your insults have grown stag-nant, I'm afraid!"

The hallways erupted with laughter, and Remus shoved me forward. "Quick, while they're distracted."

I obeyed without hesitation, and we ducked through the crowd in the direction of Transfiguration, arriving just as Professor McGonagall rushed out into the corridor to see why there had just been an uproar.

"What just happened?" I asked.

James grinned as he pocketed his wand. "It's our plan for getting the bullies off your back. You see, when I talked to Carter on Saturday, he seemed to think our best weapon was ridicule. Once you'd fallen asleep Saturday night, we all put our heads together to try to find a spell that would work. I cast the spell, Sirius makes the joke, Remus subtly disarms someone nearby so they have to reach for their wand and thus look guilty, so none of us would get in trouble and make you feel worse. Peter's job is to run ahead and get the professor and bring whoever it is the long way around so we have enough time to get away. What do you think?"

"I think... I love you all," I replied, smiling back.

We hurried to our seats then, just to give every appearance of rule-following students upon Professor McGonagall's return, James and Sirius sitting together behind Remus and me.

We were okay, the two of us. I always knew the two of us understood each other well, we were oddly similar after all, but that day was the first time I felt like we really saw each other for the first time. It was like looking in a funhouse mirror, for lack of a better description. I looked at Remus and saw myself. Sure, the proportions were a little different, he had a little more anger and I had a little more sorrow, he had a little more sharpness and I had a little more softness, but fundamentally, we were the same.

I couldn't help but exhale a huff of a laugh, imagining Remus looking at me and seeing himself distorted in a funhouse mirror.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

I shook my head. "It's nothing, I was just thinking of..." An idea crossed my mind then, an idea so whimsical and impossible and ridiculous and unique that it might just work. "...clowns."

"Alright," Remus replied slowly. "What about clowns?"

I started writing as fast as I could as the idea started to take shape. Big red noses. Rainbow wigs. Red, white, and blue face paint? I stared at my list, feeling a small flicker of excitement for the first time in far too long.

"It's just a writing idea," I lied.

Remus seemed to believe me, nodding. "You haven't written in a while, have you? Maybe that'd be a good idea. It'd cheer you up."

"Yeah," I said absently. Oh, it would cheer me up, alright, if I could pull it off.

I was going to execute the prank of the century. Cass the Clown wasn't going down without a fight. Carter had said that the fight in school would be fought with the unpredictable rather than the unforgivable. Nobody expected me to fight back at all, so I certainly had the element of surprise on my side. No one would ever underestimate me again.

During lunch, the topic of Halloween came up, since it was a mere eight days away.

"I love Halloween! It's the best day of the whole year!" James declared. "What are your costumes going to be?"

"Peter's going to be a lion, and I'm going to be a lioness," Marlene said. "We were going to paint our faces and try to figure out how to give ourselves lion ears and tails. I was thinking Peter could wear a hood that would look like a lion's mane, but we haven't found a good one yet. What were you thinking, James?"

"I was thinking I could cast the antlers spell on myself and be a deer! I could paint my face too, and — "

"Yeah, you've certainly got the look," Remus commented, nodding approvingly. "Your big doe eyes are very convincing, and you do look like a deer in headlights whenever something unexpected happens."

"What are headlights?" James asked.

"Oh, they're the lights on the front of Muggle cars. Deer are notorious for just staring into the headlights of an oncoming car before..." Remus trailed off, remembering too late how much James loved animals. He cleared his throat. "So, a deer? That's great. I wasn't planning on wearing a costume this year."

"WHAT?" James burst out. "But it's Halloween! It's the best day of the year!"

"We were among the only ones wearing costumes last year," Remus pointed out. "And Cass didn't even wear one, it was just the four of us boys. You put it all together."

James turned to me, his big doe eyes wide with despair. "Wait, Cass, you didn't wear one last year? What's your plan for this year?"

"I, um, didn't have a plan," I confessed. "I don't... I don't particularly enjoy Halloween."

I looked as if he were going to cry for a second before his face hardened in resolve. "Then we'll have a Halloween party so amazing you'll never be able to say you don't enjoy Halloween ever again! Oh Merlin, I need to start planning! Sirius, Sirius please tell me you have a costume planned."

"Of course," Sirius replied. "I was going to dress up as Cass."

"What? How?" I demanded.

Sirius merely grinned. "Don't you worry. I've got it all sorted."

I crossed my arms over my chest with a harrumph. "Fine."

"That's quite a funny idea, actually," Remus said. "Sirius, can I be you for Halloween?"

"Though I'm offended by your use of the word 'actually,' yes, of course you can be me for Halloween," Sirius replied. "My only request is that you make the Sirius joke at least once every hour."

Remus considered this for a second, then nodded. "Alright, deal."

Not wanting to be the only person in the friend group without a costume, I wracked my brain for ideas. I could dress up as a clown, but that was just asking for trouble.

I had been worried that my Gryffindor friends wouldn't want to let me out of their sight for another couple of days, even or perhaps especially if I was with Carter, but in the end, they didn't need much convincing once they found out that Carter was the one who'd found me in the Astronomy Tower. They didn't ask how, and I didn't explain, but after DADA, I slipped away with Carter, and we walked down to the Black Lake. Clouds were rolling in, carrying a suggestion of rain.

"So how was your weekend?" Carter asked as conversationally as could be expected.

I heaved a sigh. "Alright, I suppose. I feel like I can breathe now, with you. How was your weekend?"

"Oh... you know," he replied in a strained voice. "At least I didn't have to cross an ocean this time."

"I'm sorry —"

"I will start the jar — "

"Carter — " I stopped and placed a hand on his arm, and he turned to face me, looking as if he already knew what I was going to ask. "What you said — on the Astronomy Tower, about how you've — "

Carter dropped his head. "Ah." He bit his lips together for a moment, then looked back up at me. "Cass, what you need to understand about that is... I've been able to talk myself out of it every time because of you."

"Me?" I blinked. "What do I do that's so special? And how can I do it as much as possible? You're good, Carter, you don't deserve to feel the way I do. You're good, damn it. And there's no me without you, and if you're gone I don't see the point in — "

"Cass," Carter interrupted, grinning and shaking his head. "You exist. That's all you need to do. Just keep existing. I rather enjoy being alive at the same time as you. There's no me without you either, not anymore. If you go, I go."

"If you go, I go," I said firmly.

"That settles it, then. We just have to keep on existing together, even when it's difficult, yeah?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "I guess so."

"Great, then that's settled," Carter said. He hugged me suddenly, hard, then let me go, pressing a kiss to my temple in the process. "How are your Gryffindor friends?"

"James wants us to all have Halloween costumes this year, and I'm at a loss," I said.

"Would I be an asshole for suggesting a clown costume?"

"No, because that thought already crossed my mind. Peter, Marlene, and James are all going to be animals, Remus is going to be Sirius, and Sirius is going to be me."

Carter laughed. "Merlin, that'll be great. I'll be sure to tell him that if he really wants to sell it, he should draw on a third — "

"Fuck you," I interrupted, laughing in spite of myself.

"I felt compelled to remind you of the consequences of your untimely demise," Carter said lightheartedly.

"Noted. Anyway, I'm at a bit of a loss. I don't really want to wear a costume, but I know it'd make James happy, and I do want to do that. Wait." I paused. "I don't want to be a clown, but I could be a ringmaster."

"What's that?" Carter asked. "I'm guessing it's something related to Muggle circuses?"

"Ringmasters introduce the circus acts," I said.

"Ah, so it's a step above a clown?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I don't know how I'd pull that off, though."

"I do." Carter grabbed my hand and started marching the opposite direction. "Come on, we're paying a visit to Keira. She'll make your costume."

"What?" I asked even as I let him drag me along.

"She loves projects like this. She makes me clothes all the time."

"Really? Like what?"

"That dress shirt with the snake that slithers back and forth across the shoulders is a Keira Takeda original," Carter said with a grin. "When I explained to her what happened to you over summer, her first question after 'Is she okay?' was 'Does she need a new wardrobe?' I told her that the Potters beat her to it, but she's been itching to make something for you ever since. This is perfect."

"I don't want to be a bother — "

"Nothing in the world would make Keira Takeda happier than finally making something for you. I've endured her complaints about your wardrobe inherited from James Potter for almost two months now."

Heat crawled into my face, and I fell silent as we approached the tree under which Keira was sitting alone, embroidery hoop in hand.

She glanced up as we approached, keen brown eyes flickering back and forth between the two of us. "Hi. What do you want?"

"Halloween costumes," Carter replied. "I know you're bored now that you've finished yours and Daphne's, and I know I said I didn't want one, but I changed my mind. Cass needs one too, if for no other reason than that she wants to make James Potter happy."

"James Potter's always happy," Keira muttered.

"Yes, but you're a positively miserable bird and I told Cass this would make you happy. Was I mistaken?"

Keira shook her head. "No." She appraised me, looking up and down. "Even just a Halloween costume would be better than James Potter's old shirts that are a size too big."

"I, um, tend to prefer clothes that are a little too big," I stammered. "Form-fitting clothes aren't flattering on me."

"Whatever I make for you will be," Keira replied. She reached for the sketchbook at her feet and gestured to the grass beside her. "Sit. What costumes did you have in mind?"

"You first," I said to Carter. I lowered myself slowly down next to Keira, watching as she flipped past a couple of half-done designs to a blank page.

"Slughorn," Carter said. "He'd think it's grand."

"That's too easy," Keira complained. "I want something more complex than that."

"Whatever you make for Cass can be as complex as you want," Carter replied dismissively, with a pointed look at me.

Keira sighed. "Alright. Which of Professor Slughorn's outfits do you want me to imitate?"

As the two of them discussed Carter's Halloween costume, I thought a bit of how much Professor Slughorn was growing to love Carter. He'd been oddly apprehensive around Carter at first, seeming almost afraid of him, but over time, he had grown to love him. Carter was quiet, and did stellar work, and none of his professors could find a bad thing to say about him. He was only insufferable when he was with me, and I took no small amount of pride in the fact that I made him so comfortable, though being the sole audience for his antics was a bit much at times. I could never find it within myself to ever be truly cross with him no matter what he said or did, the same way he could never be truly cross with me no matter what I said or did. We grated on each other's nerves as only best friends could, and we got along as only best friends could, and we loved each other as only best friends could.

When Carter's costume had been drawn up, Keira flipped to a new page and looked at me expectantly.

"I was, um, thinking of being a ringmaster," I said. "It's a Muggle thing, but they — they wear top hats, and these long jackets, and they usually have gloves and batons, and — I'm doing a horrible job explaining, aren't I?"

Keira nodded. "A bit. That's okay. Why don't you draw a little sketch of what you're imagining, and then I'll turn it into a proper design?"

"I can't draw, but — I can try."

Keira passed me the sketchbook and quill, and I set to work, face burning hotter with every passing second. I drew a stick figure with a top hat and a long jacket, adding the little stripes they so often had.

"They're usually red and gold," I said, passing it back to Keira and pointing at each part of my drawing as I explained. "The jackets I mean. The main part is red, and these little stripes here are usually gold, and the hats are usually black, but they can have accents too, red and gold ones. Does that — am I making more sense now?"

"Yes." Keira was silent for a long second as she set to work on her own sketch. I watched in awe as her deft fingers turned my crude stick figure with the blocky clothes into something much more human-looking. A proper ringmaster's jacket started to come to life before my eyes, under Keira's watchful eye, and I couldn't help but be amazed. She paused once the outline was complete and glanced at me. "How's this?"

"It's... perfect," I said, a bit breathless.

"It's plain, but do you think this is a good start?" Keira asked.

I nodded. "Yes. Of course. I — I'm already impressed. You could make something that looks like that?"

"I could make something that looks like this, yes, but I'd rather make something much better," she replied. She turned back to the page. "The sleeves must have details of one form or another. What do they usually have?"

"I don't know," I admitted.

"What about the shoulders?" Keira pressed. "Or the back? Surely they are designed more elaborate than just this. Showmen wear these, do they not?"

I blinked. "They do, but I don't know how — I'm not entirely sure how to make it better."

"Keira enjoys her creative freedom," Carter said in a carrying stage whisper. "She's just making sure she has the right idea before she takes matters into her own hands."

"Oh!" I shook my head. "In that case, please, take the reigns, Keira. Do whatever you want from here."

She turned to me with a hopeful expression. "Really? You're sure?"

"Of course," I replied. "I mean, I've already seen what you can do, with Daphne's daffodil shirt and Carter's snake shirt. I can't wait to see what you do. You're really talented."

"Thanks," she said, smiling and blushing.

I couldn't help but find myself smiling and blushing right back at her as I nodded. "It's true."

Keira snapped right back into designer mode, focusing back on the drawing in front of her. "Before I really start to work on this, I'll need your measurements."

I froze. Somehow, that hadn't occurred to me before that precise moment in time.

"I'm guessing you'll want a private spot to do that, but my dormitory wouldn't be very safe for you and I doubt your friends would want to see me in yours," Keira continued, packing her bag as she spoke. "No one ever uses the loo on the second story of the main tower, the one that ghost haunts. I can run to my dormitory and get what I need, then meet you there?"

"Alright," I replied numbly. "I'll meet you in Myrtle's bathroom. That's her name, the ghost."

Keira nodded and got to her feet. "I'll see you in Myrtle's bathroom in about ten minutes."

And with that, she hurried away, determination in her stride.

I shot a panicked glance at Carter, who looked rather pleased by the sudden turn of events.

"Well, it sounds like my services are no longer required," he said. "I'll send Ivy to keep an eye on you, though, just to make sure you don't get any foolish ideas about returning to the Astronomy Tower."

I shook my head. "When she says she needs my measurements..."

"What's the matter? This is just for a jacket and a hat anyway, so you'll just have to take your shirt off, and she'll just take a measuring tape and get a couple of numbers so she can make the jacket the right size. It's not that big of a deal — oh. I have just realized why you look so terrified. You fancy her."

"No!" I squeaked. "I don't fancy her, I'm just — I'm just shy. You're the only one who's ever — you know."

Carter offered me a confused look. "Do you not change in front of anyone?"

I shook my head, too mortified to reply out loud.

"Keira does this all the time, for plenty of different people," Carter said. "I promise you, this is no big deal to her, even if it is to you. It'll be over before you know it, and you could just say you want to keep your shirt on if you're really this uncomfortable with it."

I nodded. "Okay. Okay. You're sure?"

"Yes, of course. Come on, best not to keep her waiting."

The two of us made our way up to the castle then, and I made it to Myrtle's bathroom before Keira. It was oddly quiet, Myrtle wasn't there, so I jumped when the door opened to reveal Keira holding a large black purse. Ivy slithered in just behind her, and she nodded her head at me in greeting.

"There's no crying," she commented.

I nodded. "Yeah, she must have gotten flushed to the Black Lake. It happens from time to time."

"I suppose that makes it easier for us, if it's just the two of us in here and we don't have to shout over the sound of her cries." Keira set her bag on the counter and pulled a measuring tape out of it. "Would you mind taking your uniform off? It's more accurate that way. Robes are bulky."

I shrugged off my robes and removed my tie, but I left my dress shirt on, praying she wouldn't say anything. She didn't, to my immense relief, just methodically moving the measuring tape in various ways all over my upper body and scribbling down whatever the numbers were.

After a couple of minutes, Keira stuffed the parchment with my measurements into her bag and pulled out a couple squares of fabric. "Stand still, I want to see which of these shades look best on you."

One by one, she held each different color of fabric up to my face, her brow furrowed in concentration as she considered her options. She muttered comments to herself occasionally in Japanese, and I wanted to ask what she was saying, but I knew better than to interrupt her creative process. I knew I always hated it when people tried to talk to me when I was writing, and I didn't want to inflict that upon her if she felt the same way when she was working on one of her designs. My patience was rewarded after a couple of minutes, when she held up four different squares of fabric, two shades of red, one shade of yellow, and one shade of metallic gold.

"These are best," Keira declared. "The hat will be easy, I will give that to you in Potions tomorrow. I should be done with the jacket by next Monday. I'll be done by Halloween, certainly."

"That's... amazing," I said. "Thank you."

"No, thank you, this'll be fun," Keira replied with a quick smile at me before she tucked the fabric squares back into her bag and tossed it over her shoulder.

I slipped my robes back on and draped my tie over my neck. "Let me know if you, um, need anything else?"

"I will. Bye, Cass."

"Bye, Keira," I called after her as she left.

I remained frozen in place for quite a while, my mind racing a million miles an hour, left reeling in the whirlwind of all that was Keira Takeda.

"What's on your mind?" Ivy hissed at me.

I was snapped from my daze at once, and I hurriedly fixed my tie, lest anyone get any of the wrong ideas about what I'd been doing.

"I don't know how to say this in Parseltongue, sorry, but I ought to get back to my common room." I adjusted my robes and lifted my chin, smiling. "A good ringmaster needs her clowns."

🩵💛❤️💜🩷

Seven days. That was how much time I needed to turn my idea into a reality.

It was a long seven days. It was difficult, really, trying to execute a prank all by myself while being under constant suicide watch. I only really had time to myself once everyone had fallen asleep because Marlene slept with me when I was in the girls' dormitory and I slept with Sirius and James when I was in the boys' dormitory, so I had to concoct a good excuse for my sudden feverish scribbling and secrecy.

I told everyone that I was working on a birthday surprise for Sirius, and that I wanted to keep it a secret, yes, even from you, James, I'm sorry. I hadn't decided on a gift for him yet anyway, and his birthday was fast approaching, so I figured my prank could very easily serve as his present. Because, truly, what better gift could one give Sirius Black than utter chaos for a day in his name?

Better yet, my plan came together with miraculous speed. I had always been something of an academic weapon, conducting high-quality research with ease and writing high-quality essays in one sitting and the like. Applying my academic skills to the decidedly un-academic pursuit of pranking the entire school was easier than I expected. I devoted myself wholeheartedly to the pursuit, spending every precious second of free time on my secret little project.

On the morning of Monday, October 30th, I was ready. It was four days before Sirius's birthday, but I doubted that Sirius would object to the celebration beginning a couple of days early. It added to the chaos, after all, and when did he ever object to that?

I played it decidedly cool as I walked with my friends down to the Great Hall, even though I was holding Pandora's box in my book bag. One way or another, the chaos I planned to unleash would cement my legacy as Cass the Clown. It would either free me from the bullying, or make it unbearably and irreversibly worse. I had hope, though, and I clung to that hope with a double-fisted white-knuckled grip.

While everyone else ate breakfast, I watched and waited, sipping on the cold water in front of me and promising James I'd eat in a couple of minutes, once my stomach settled. He was finally starting to accept that I was never really hungry in the mornings, and I was finally starting to accept that I functioned better in class if I managed to eat something anyway, so I usually had a slice of toast or two, but that morning, anxious anticipation had tied my stomach in knots. Not that he knew that. But he'd understand soon enough.

Once every seat in the Great Hall was full — students and professors alike — I slowly reached for my book bag and pulled out the box, a red box with yellow stars.

"Oh Sirius!" I singsonged, smiling as innocently as I could. "Happy birthday!"

Sirius looked at me, confused. "Not quite yet, love. My birthday's Friday. Today's Monday."

"Oh, I know. That's the point. Enjoy the chaos."

With that, I yanked the lid off the box, and four fireworks shot up toward the ceiling. As they exploded, I reached into the box for the fifth and final object, placing the ringmaster's top hat on my own head. Golden sparks rained down on everyone except me, and I watched with smug satisfaction as every last person in the Great Hall was suddenly afflicted with what could only be described as clownery. Rainbow wigs appeared on every head, round red balls on every nose, red and yellow polka dot ties around every neck. Every face was painted white, with a big blue circle around each eye and a big red smile on every mouth.

Swept up in my victory, I jumped up onto the bench, pulling the baton from my robes and spinning in a circle.

"WHO'S THE CLOWN NOW?" I roared. I extended the baton in the direction of Sirius, who was positively beaming up at me. "Happy birthday, Sirius Black."

And then all hell broke loose. Multiple spells were fired at me from the direction of the Slytherin table, but I cast a Shield Charm just in time, laughing as I did so, not about to let anything or anyone ruin the joy of the moment. I jumped down and tossed my book bag over my shoulder, happily letting Professor McGonagall march me out of the Great Hall. I laughed all the way to her office, too pleased by my success to really care that I was surely in deep trouble.

Once the office door closed behind us and Professor McGonagall had taken a seat behind her desk, I dropped into a chair on the other side and gasped for breath, clutching at a stitch in my side and trying to sober up.

"Sorry, Professor," I wheezed. "I just had to do something. How many months of detention have I just earned myself?"

Professor McGonagall — looking lovely in her new clown get-up — merely shook her head at me. "Have a biscuit, Miss Williams."

"What?" I asked.

"Have a biscuit, Cass. Merlin knows you've earned it." She extended a jar to me, and I reluctantly accepted one of the cookies, baffled. Professor McGonagall, to my continued shock, smiled at me. "You'll only have one detention, if it could even be called that, during which you'll write me a detailed explanation of how exactly you did that. I know why you did that, which is why you will receive no further punishment. I must say I rather approve of your non-violent approach."

My face flushed. "I don't suppose anyone saw who attempted violence against me just now?"

"Don't worry, dear, everyone saw this time, and I assure you they will be properly punished." She offered me a thin smile. "Report back here tonight at 7:00 for your detention. In the meantime, I hope you make the most of Mr. Black's 'birthday.'"

"If anyone has any unfairly unpleasant side effects as a result of my prank," I said, "the only way to reverse any part of the clownery is with naturally-moving water. Rain or the Black Lake will do, and fortunately for everyone, the sky in the Great Hall was cloudy this morning. Anything from a faucet or a wand won't work. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this."

Professor McGonagall's smile widened. "I hope you do. Well, there's no point in the two of us walking separately to the same classroom, since you have Transfiguration first today. Shall we?"

"At least no one will try anything, if I'm with you."

"If anyone 'tries anything' ever again, you could always send a retaliatory clown nose their way. I'm sure that would discourage further attempts to cross you."

I grinned, and I nibbled on the biscuit quite contentedly as I walked through the clown-filled corridors with Professor McGonagall to class.

When I got there, I was greeted by none other than Sirius Black, who scooped me up into an enthusiastic hug.

"Cass, you're a wonder!" he declared, laughing harder than I'd ever heard him laugh. "You wouldn't believe the sheer number of people who have wished me a happy birthday already! You're brilliant!"

"Halloween's tomorrow, Cass," James said with a grin as I slid into my seat next to Remus. "What's with the costumes a day early?"

"How on earth did you do this?" Remus asked.

I merely smiled, making a show of getting my Transfiguration materials out of my book bag. "A true magician never reveals their secrets. You'll all just have to wonder."

Whoever had Herbology that morning and got caught in the rain on their way back to the castle found out that rain washed away the enchantments, so the Great Hall was rather empty at lunch at first, considering almost everyone was outside hosing off. My passage between classes was blessedly uneventful all day; not one of my bones was broken.

That night, I was on my way back to the common room after my "detention" with Professor McGonagall when Keira appeared seemingly out of nowhere, holding a large red bundle in her arms.

"This is for you," she said. "I was hoping I would catch you between Professor McGonagall's office and Gryffindor Tower. Your jacket, it's done."

She held it up for me to see, and I gasped as I hurried forward to study the intricate designs she'd woven.

"This is beautiful, Keira, thank you," I murmured. I remembered with a rush how much I enjoyed getting to explain my writing to people, so I decided to extend that offer to her. "Do you want to explain it to me?"

Her face lit up, and she enthusiastically launched into a discussion of the design. Golden thread was woven throughout the red fabric of the jacket in the shape of music notes. She'd apparently asked Regulus if he happened to have any piano sheet music on him, which he did, and she'd stitched the melody of "Clair de Lune" around the jacket because she, somehow, remembered that I really enjoyed that piece of music. It still had the gold bars of fabric on the chest that were typical of those types of jackets, but the rest of the decorations, including the sleeve cuffs, were music-themed.

"If I had known you were going to prank everyone today, I would have finished this by this morning," she said with a small frown.

"Sorry about that," I replied sheepishly. "I didn't tell anyone about it, not even Carter."

Keira's frown was replaced at once by an impish smile. "I know. The shock on his face was very funny."

"Oi, stop gossiping about me when I can hear you," Carter said, rounding the corner. "I was just on my way back to the common room from the library when I heard my name. Oh, is that the jacket?"

"It is," I confirmed with a nod, holding it out for him to inspect.

"This is the coolest article of clothing you've ever made, Keira," Carter announced at once.

She flushed, smiling. "Thanks." She turned her smile toward me, and an answering flush rose to my face. "I am excited to see you wearing it tomorrow."

"It's incredible, thank you so much. Wait a minute, what's your costume?" I asked.

"You'll have to see tomorrow."

I offered her a smile. "Can't wait."

Carter clapped me on the shoulder. "Sorry I didn't get the chance to tell you this earlier today, but I'm proud of you. You fought back. Thirteen people in my house got detention for trying to attack you, finally."

"You were the one who gave me the idea," I said. "You suggested making my bullies feel as ridiculous as I felt. I decided to make everyone feel as ridiculous as I felt, because I couldn't resist, but it felt good nevertheless."

"How'd you do it?" Carter asked.

"Everyone wants to know, but unfortunately no one ever will," I replied with a smug little smile. "Good night."

I returned to the Gryffindor common room with a lingering smile on my face. A knight's armor could take many forms. I decided in that moment that mine would be red and gold, woven with the music of moonlight. It was quite a lovely thought.

When Halloween morning dawned, I jumped out of bed and gathered up the elements of my costume. Halloween was a free dress day, whether someone wanted to wear a costume or not was their choice, so I eagerly tugged on a plain white dress shirt to go underneath the jacket and tucked it into my black leggings. I decided to braid my hair rather than pull it back into a ponytail so the hat would fit better, and secured the hat on my head. Last, but certainly not least, I reached for the jacket.

I had just tugged it on when Marlene entered the bathroom.

"DAMN!" She blinked at me, eyes wide. "That's — you look — wow."

"I'd happily be a clown in your circus, Cass!" Lily called from the bedroom, since she'd seen me as well.

Mary poked her head into the bathroom. "Are those music notes?"

I nodded, spinning in a circle in front of the mirror so I could get a proper look at myself. Keira was right. What she'd made for me was flattering. And comfortable, it fit perfectly.

I tore my eyes away from my reflection. "Well, I'm going to head down to breakfast. I'm a little scared of what Sirius thinks a Cass costume constitutes."

"If he shows up looking like a clown, I'll punch him in the nose," Marlene said.

"I have more faith in him than that," I replied, laughing. "I'm still a little scared of what he'll be wearing, though."

As it turned out, I didn't have to worry about what he was wearing at all, because he was waiting in the common room in my Holyhead Harpies sweatshirt (which had once belonged to James as well) and my denim shorts (which had once belonged to James) and my yellow sneakers (which had always belonged to me) and my favorite knee highs (which had always belonged to me as well).

Sirius grinned at me, then his eyes went wide as he looked me up and down, his mouth going slack. "I — well, I had a witty remark ready to go, but I'm afraid I've entirely lost my train of thought. I thought you weren't wearing a costume this year."

"Yes, well, I thought it would make James happy if I decided to dress up after all," I said, spinning in a little circle and twirling my baton for him. "Do you think he'll like it?"

"Anyone who doesn't is blind," Sirius replied.

I grinned. "Thanks. Have you remembered your witty remark yet?"

"No, I'm afraid not. James should be down any minute now, he was putting the finishing touches on Peter's face paint before he headed up to do Marlene's."

"Have you seen Remus yet today?" I asked. "What's in his you costume?"

"No idea, he was still sleeping when I made my way down here. I know you wake up early, so I figured I ought to commit to the Cass bit and wake up early too. Oh, I've just remembered!" Sirius dramatically cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes. "Good morning. Have you seen Sirius Black, by any chance, the love of my life? I need to tell him that I've stopped sleeping in socks because I've suddenly acquired common sense — "

I clicked my tongue disapprovingly at him. "If you really wanted to commit to the Cass bit, you would have slept in socks. You're not the real Cassidy Eleanor Williams, you impostor."

Sirius cocked his head at me. "Your middle name's Eleanor?"

"Tell anyone and I'll kill you, it's one of my life's greatest tragedies," I said.

"I think it's pretty," he replied. "Cassidy Eleanor Williams. Eleanor is certainly a better middle name than Orion."

I blinked. "Sorry, wait a second, your initials are S.O.B.?"

"Yes, why?" Sirius asked.

"Sirius Orion Black, you are, by definition, a son of a bitch."

"Tell me something I don't already know," he said with a grin.

I laughed, and I was still laughing when Remus Lupin appeared in his Sirius Black costume.

Remus yawned dramatically. "My name is Sirius Orion Black, and I hate being awake at this hour of the day so I am prepared to make it everyone's problem. Oh, and my parents are cousins, seriously."

"They're what?" I burst out.

Sirius opened his mouth to explain, but James and Peter arrived right then, looking very deer-like and lion-like respectively, though James didn't have his antlers yet.

"Good morning! It's the best morning of the year!" James said brightly. He spotted me then, and his eyes got comically wide. "CASS, YOU HAVE A COSTUME!" He sprinted across the room to wrap me in a hug, spinning me around with glee. "Happy Halloween, Cass!"

"Happy Halloween, James," I replied with a laugh, feeling almost weightless.

And it was, it truly was the happiest Halloween I'd ever had.

My costume was complimented left and right. I didn't tell anyone who had made it, at Keira's request, but when I found her later that day on our way to Potions and told her everyone loved my costume, she beamed with pride. Her own falcon costume was incredible, an elaborate feathered dress complete with hair and face paint. Daphne was dressed as Daphne from Scooby-Doo, and even though I was one of the only people who knew who she was, I thought it was brilliant. Carter's Professor Slughorn costume prompted a great deal of laughter from the cheerful old professor, who commended me in front of the entire class for my work with the clown prank.

I didn't get mocked or attacked in the hallways once, and nothing bad happened to me in class or in the Great Hall or in the common room or on the Quidditch Pitch, either. Quidditch practice went rather well, actually, the best one we'd had yet. Everyone was in high spirits, finally optimistic about our chances against Slytherin on Saturday, and everyone told me at one point or another that they were impressed by my little clown stunt, even Pat, who offered her assistance if I wanted to pull any more pranks in the future. The high spirits continued from the Quidditch Pitch to the common room, where a raging Halloween party was well underway, complete with music blaring from someone's Muggle radio.

As we arrived, "John, I'm Only Dancing" by David Bowie was drawing to a close.

"There they are!" Sirius shouted, pointing at us with a wide smile. He rushed over and grabbed me by the hand. "Come on, Cass, come and dance with yourself!"

I rolled my eyes and obliged him, letting him spin me around as the song ended.

When the next song started, I furrowed my brow, not recognizing it. Then David Cassidy started singing, and I gasped.

"A new Partridge Family song?" I squawked.

Sirius shrugged. "Apparently!"

I giggled, unable to contain my joy as the music started to swell. Sirius grinned back at me, and the two of us swayed back and forth to the beat. James cut in and stole me from Sirius halfway through the song, telling Sirius to go dance with himself, meaning Remus. I laughed as people tried to dodge James's antlers on the informal dance floor that had formed in the middle of the common room.

"How do you feel about Halloween now?" he asked with a wide smile.

I returned his smile, really, sincerely meaning it. "I love it!"

The world was uncertain and scary, but music was constant. Music would always be there. And my friends, they were constant too, they would always be there too. Maybe everything would be okay after all, maybe the fire inside of me would prevail over the water always threatening to be my undoing, maybe the world would start to look brighter one step at a time.