Desi

Pulling myself together as much as I could in this situation, I brushed my hair over my shoulder and walked back inside Doc's suite. Wiping my face of the trails my tears had left, my eyes fell on Cody who was laying in the white bed with his eyes closed, probably knocked out from all of the morphine Doc had given him.

I walked to the opposite side of the living room, towards the guest bedroom. Opening the door quietly, I peeked my head inside to see Aundrea snuggled up under the covers, desperately clinging to a pillow. Tip-toeing, I made my way over to her, lightly kissing her on the forehead. The worry on her face disappeared, her grip on the pillow loosening slightly.

When I walked back into the living room, I searched the area for Doc and Durbin but they were no where to be seen.

“Doc decided to pass out,” Cody's voice made me jump, my head spinning see him laying in the bed, his eyes now open. “Durbin went downstairs to grab dinner. Apparently he's been getting inside information from some new buddies of his.” Cody chuckled weakly.

A small smile twitched at my lips, and I quickly glanced away from him, suddenly feeling horribly guilty. I felt my heart ripping in two. One side pleaded me to run out the door and find Ryder, the other begging me to walk to the side of Cody's bed. But I couldn't make myself do either one.

“Come here,” Cody said quietly, interrupting me from my thoughts. Slowly, I walked over to the side of his bed, not wanting to look him in the eye, afraid he would know everything. “I heard you and Ryder talking..”

My feet stopped moving at the foot of the bed, my heart pounding violently in my chest, tears welling up in my eyes. “How much?” I dared to ask.

“Most of it.”

My head fell limply in front of me, my eyes gazing down towards my shoes. My mind trailed back to when I had felt so hopeless. A time when I was completely broken, before Ryder had tried to put me back together.

“Cody, I--” I stammered, nerves making my palms sweat. “I-- I thought you were dead.”

I glanced up, watching Cody nod his head, his eyes not making contact with mine.

“Vivian ordered to have you killed,” I said, somehow managing to keep my voice firm. “She said it had been done, and it killed me too. I cried myself to sleep every night, not even being able to look in the mirror without thinking of you because your death was my fault.”

“Desi, stop,” Cody said, holding out his hand. “How would it have been your fault?”

“Because if it wasn't for me, she would have had no reason to kill you.”

“If it wasn't for you, I would be dead or worse, infected.” He lifted his eyes, meeting my gaze and we watched each other silently, with me still feeling like I was in a dream.

After almost a minute in silence, Cody spoke again. “You really care about him though..” He said, his voice slightly shaking.

I took a deep breath, knowing in my heart that I couldn't lie to him. He came this far for me, the least he deserves is the truth.

“Yes,” I replied. “I do.”

Cody sighed, his fists clenching tightly at his sides. I walked around the side of the bed, wrapping my hand around one of his fists, his fingers relaxing at my touch.

“That doesn't change the way I feel about you though,” I told him, his fingers beginning to lace with mine. “I was shattered, Cody,” I whispered, begging him to understand. “The only person that I had left was taken from me. You were all I had left.”

“You still have me,” Cody said, watching my eyes. “I'm here.”

I nodded my head, and glanced away from him. “Yes. But you don't have all of me.”

Cody stayed silent a flash of jealousy and anger flashing in his eyes. “What do you mean exactly?” He asked hesitantly, afraid to hear the answer.

“When I was empty, Ryder was there filling me up again. I don't think there's any way to truly explain what we have been through together. You would kind of have to see it. But he gave me hope. Something that I had taken from me and I was struggling to keep.” The words flowed from my mouth, my lips wanting to close, to shield Cody's ears from anymore pain.

But I couldn't stop. It was as if I was speaking more to myself than him now-- a realization dawning on me.

“He has been the only reason I haven't gone completely insane. After everything.. I can't just turn away from him. Ryder is a part of my life now. He needs me now, just as I needed him then.” And I loved him more than I thought I did.

“But I need you,” Cody whispered, anger still creasing his brows. “I came all this way..”

“Cody--” I started, trying to find the right words to say. “I.. I..When I saw you tonight, I thought I was dead. Bliss sang through my body and I still feel like I'm in that dream. I love you.” I clenched my jaw, not wanting to say these words, but knowing that I must if it's to save him. From myself.

“And it's because I love you that I can't do this to you. I can't be with you and be in love with someone else. I can't be with them and love you dearly. I'm toxic, Cody. My love will only hurt you in the end.”

“Desi...” Cody said quietly, his voice tired, his eyes drooping. “Either way, I'm still here.” His hand gripped mine as tightly as he could as the morphine finally made him start to drift to sleep. “However... you want me.. you got me.”

Cody's eyelids fell shut, his head rolling to the side. My hand stayed connected with his, tears rolling down my cheeks, hating myself for hurting everyone around me.

I watched Cody sleep, his face clenching every now and then as if he were having a nightmare. Eventually, he fell completely still, his chest barely rising up and down with each breath he took.

Quietly, I stood up from my chair, my lips brushing across his cheek as I let go of his hand. My feet felt heavier as I walked to the front door and closed it silently behind me. I trudged wearily down the deserted hallway, my eyes stinging from all of the tears I shed tonight.

When I opened the door to my suite, I left the lights off, not even wanting to use an ounce of effort to flip the switch. Lights from the Vegas strip shone through the windows, lighting a pathway to the bedroom. I'd always wondered to myself, how this city kept going like this, why it continued to thrive like the city it was known to be, but right now I didn't care.

I kicked off my sneakers at the doorway, my toes dragging across the wood floor as I made my way to the bed. Closing my eyes, I held my arms out to my sides and fell down onto the bed, the thick feathered comforter fluffing up around my body. I rolled my head to the side, breathing in deeply, and tried to wash my mind of everything.

I tried to wipe away Cody, the vision of his hurt body and heart still clinging to my mind. An image of Ryder reaching out for me in the hallway refused to vanish. In the one moment that I needed to truly be alone with my thoughts, I couldn't seem to get away.

My mind recollected horrible memories stronger than ever. Ryder pounding his fist into the guard's face. Cody's black infected eyes glaring hungrily into mine. Vivian pressing her pistol to my forehead, digging at the skin. When I was finally allowed to fall asleep, my nightmares were realistic.

I dreamed of Wal-Mart. With a broken chair leg being my only weapon, I slammed it into an infected woman's head, the nail cracking into her skull. The one person I had left, Cody, was the only person I looked for after the woman fell dead at my feet. I saw him swinging his bat into the face of an infected man, my body flooding with relief as the man fell lifeless to the tiled floor.

When Selma's ear-piercing scream changed everything, the bang of a shotgun ending her life, I found the person responsible for her death and drove my knuckles into his jaw.

It was then that the dream suddenly changed. I had thought of one other person who would have punched Durbin in the face, just like I did. Someone who was a lot like me. Ryder.

Suddenly, I was sitting in a seat in the theater, Evan dying in the cage in front of me. My hand was grasped tight to Ryder's, my arm shaking beside his. I turned my head to look at him, the same anguish embedded in his eyes as mine. But something else caught my attention that I hadn't noticed before.

The look of the man in the hallway earlier tonight, was mirrored in front of me in my dreams now. He was hurting as he looked at me, as he loved me, scared that the same fate might happen to me as did Evan.

When I blinked my eyes I was laying in the field outside of the camp in Springfield, Cody's body sprawled on top of me, his eyes midnight black, infected. He snarled at me and dug his teeth deep into my neck making me scream out in pain.

My scream woke me up from my nightmare, the sound of it echoing around the bedroom. Sunlight filtered in through the window and I slowly raised my head from the pillow. My eyes would barely open, swollen and puffy from crying.

I glanced down at my body, eying the bloody clothes I was still wearing from the match last night. Hastily, I threw them off, pulling myself out of the bed and towards the shower. My arms were weak as I lifted them to shampoo my hair, my knees shaking as the hot water ran down my body.

I gazed at my naked body in the mirror, my eyes lingering on a crescent scar along the side of my neck then drifting to my stitched up cheekbone. My sight fell downwards to the red rings around my wrists from the handcuffs. I stared at myself for a while, wanting to somehow stay focused on my physical damage instead of the emotional one that scarred my heart.

I threw on a robe, tying it at my waist and went back to the bed, watching the ray of sun that streamed in through the curtains. I laid there long enough that I watched the trail stretch from one side of the room to the other, my stomach not growling once from hunger until it was evening.

I pulled on some clothes, ate a yogurt and faced the front door. I knew I needed to go somewhere, needed to see someone, but I couldn't figure out who it was. I thought I had known when I woke up, but the hunch left me as soon as I was fully conscious.

My foot lifted off the ground, and for once, I let myself fall into step to where my heart truly wanted to go. I didn't know where I was going until I read the number on the door of the suite, my heart skipping a beat, and I had made my decision.