"Why do you want to join AIESEC?"

Joaquin's question is so mundane, something that would come up in a normal job interview, and yet, Julian is momentarily speechless.

Why, exactly?

He throws Alexander, who's also in the panel, a furtive glance. He can't admit he's there because he couldn't say no to him. Everyone would figure it out. And Julian isn't ready to tell him. Not yet.

Because he might tell him eventually. That's how Julian is built. He's not one to automatically choose to keep his feelings a secret; it depends. In fact, he'd been indirectly and directly rejected four times—two for each. Alexander could be the tiebreaker.

"Julian?" Joaquin prompts.

The zoning out's gone too long.

Focus.

Julian straightens his back. "I looked at the organization's website and felt that the goals of AIESEC aligned with mine. For one, I'd like to develop my leadership skills and possibly volunteer or do an internship abroad."

Joaquin nods, jotting down notes, though he is skeptical. Alexander's obviously playing a role in all of this. But Julian's answer is solid, and no one else knows what he knows.

On the other hand, Julian's getting a tad nervous over Joaquin's unreadable expression. He hadn't predicted that club applications could be this strict.

"And if you could choose a place to go?" Joaquin continues.

Julian gathers his thoughts. "Somewhere I've never been before. A place people normally wouldn't go because it's not a common tourist attraction," he answers. "Would be great to start in ASEAN. Perhaps Laos or Myanmar."

(ASEAN: Association of Southeast Asian Nations)

Myka swoops in, smiling. "And what could you contribute to the finance committee?"

"I don't look like it, but I'm actually very good with numbers. Accounting is my forte," he utters with a hint of pride. "I have experience. I help out at my stepdad's business every summer, so you wouldn't have to teach me. Saves everyone time and effort on onboarding."

The tension in Joaquin's muscles loosens. Some of his questions about Julian and his mother's current situation have been answered. If only he could dig more...

No, that's enough. At least he's confirmed that he and Tita Lina are doing quite well. That's all that matters.

"You're in!" Alexander asserts with his usual grin. "I don't even need to ask anything."

Joaquin scoffs. "Alex? Can you please?" The other applicants are within earshot, waiting for their turn. He wouldn't want them to think there's favoritism involved. Just not the best way to go about welcoming newbies.

"Ugh, fine," Alexander relents. "Okay, Julian, any specific social issues that are important to you?"

That's unexpected, but AIESEC is a civic organization established to help members maximize their potential and to make a positive impact in society. Not having a cause would be more baffling.

"I'm interested in issues of gender and sexuality, specifically those that pertain to the LGBTQ+ community," Julian responds, his voice calm. "Since I'm part of it."

The answer raises interest amongst those present, whispers filling the air. Joaquin swallows yet doesn't show any signs, his gaze drifting to the panel. Myka inclines forward, seemingly keen to hear more, while Alexander cocks his head sideways.

The response isn't new to Julian. He's out of the closet, including to his parents, and even they were taken aback when he'd mentioned it casually. He glances around, taking in the mixed expressions.

Evan's only staring at him. He'll see later if it would make a difference. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. He's used to the risks.

Of course, it isn't nothing to Julian. At the back of his mind, he has his share of struggles. He's not made of steel. But through the course of his life, he's found it more comfortable to get it out in the open, instead of others doing a guessing game, which happens typically behind his back.

Funnily enough, his hopes that he'd have a higher chance of finding love if people knew had been wrong. He'd thought the gays would... find him? Or he'd at least develop a gaydar so he would know who's swinging the same way? Then he could make a move?

But so far, he's only been catching feelings for straight dudes.

Aha. Maybe he's looking at the wrong places. Perhaps he should just dip his toes into the dating apps when he has more time.

"So, uh, anything else?" Julian follows up, dispersing the fog of fascination over him.

"Nope, that's it," Alexander replies. "Thanks, Julian."

"Thanks." Julian smiles politely at the three members of the panel, stands up, and walks away from the clubhouse.

"Well, there's that," he mumbles to himself, cognizant of the reality that he'd be the group's topic. Those who choose not to care would stay and treat him the same... And those who wouldn't be able to understand would, in the best case scenario, stop speaking to him.

He'd soon see where he stands with Alexander, too. If he's better off shoving away these silly feelings.

By a row of trees that remind him of Romblon, the wind whistles. He stops walking and takes a deep breath.

C'est la vie.

******

By 5 o'clock, the application process wraps up, and out of 12 applicants, 10 are officially welcomed to the club, including Evan and Julian. In the private rented room, the atmosphere shifts quickly as the music is set to full blast, fusing with the cheers of about twenty-five people ready to celebrate. Kyle, one of the Graphic Design team's members, climbs on the table with a bottle of vodka in hand, yelling, "It's party tiiiime!"

Sitting by one of the two long tables covered in chips, barbecue, and other pulutan, Joaquin shakes his head. Very few people are paying attention to food compared to the drinks, which are also overflowing.

(Pulutan: Finger foods usually served during drinking sessions)

He understands that all members deserve to unwind after those three busy weeks, but he's also attended the previous welcome parties to know how this is gonna end: Someone's gonna puke. Or lose their phone. Or make out with a random person in the corner. Or smash something because they can afford it.

Scanning the room, he spots Julian chatting with Myka and a few other Finance team folks seated a few chairs away, and relief washes over him.

Despite the buzz Julian's words had caused during the interview, Joaquin had foreseen this open-minded reaction from the club. Sadly, at this point in time, people talking was just inevitable.

It was still... far from the norm.

Joaquin only takes solace in the fact that the whispers died down quickly after Julian left. But if something unacceptable had come out of it, he would've stepped in. No question.

As head of the org, it's his responsibility to keep the peace and look after the members... especially the new ones. So, the moment he sees Alexander passing Julian a beer, he gets to his feet without delay.

"Hey," Joaquin interrupts. Myka, Julian, and Alexander glance up at him, with Julian already holding the liquor.

"Do you even drink?" he questions, looking directly at Julian.

Alexander's eyes narrow, concerned. "Hold up, you're at least 18, right?"

Julian bobs his head. "I'm 19 next—"

"It's not the age," Joaquin chimes in, his forehead creasing. The EDM music and the strobe lights are driving him nuts. He's not usually this overstimulated, but there's just something tonight. Is this because of the cramped room? The weather?

"Do you drink?" he repeats, voice taking a higher pitch to overcome the noise.

Julian doesn't, or more accurately, this kind of scene is uncharted territory to him. He'd rarely gone to parties in high school, and he didn't really engage in underage drinking.

Although sociable, he usually stays away from these events, mostly due to how and where he'd been brought up. The city still feels intense in comparison. Draining. Like everyone's in a hurry to get somewhere.

But tonight, with Alexander by his side and Myka being so cordial to him, he feels a pull to just... go with it.

"No, but I'd like to try," he replies, meeting Joaquin's eyes.

Alexander pats Julian on the back, making him blush. "Relax, Joaquin. It's been a long day! Let Julian take a break!"

Joaquin pushes his glasses up and looks down to the floor. Why is he even butting in?

"Cheers?" Julian mutters tentatively, raising his glass.

Joaquin yields, giving them a resigned nod, and returns to his seat. He drums his fingers on the table, eating and drinking on his own, occasionally conversing with the others who approach him. His gaze often inevitably drifts to Julian, who's on his second glass. He and Alexander are still talking. Laughing. Until Alexander is invited to the other table, and Julian watches him go, his lips twitching into a fine line.

Joaquin huffs, clicking his tongue. This kid didn't grow up; his type is still the same—spirited and loud. Like himself. Hasn't he ever heard of the saying opposites attract? And seriously, why Alexander?

Why so fast?

He'd been just as infatuated with Mark a few years ago, simply because he'd praised Julian's sketches and made him feel included despite being the youngest kid in the group. What was so special about that? Joaquin had done the same thing for him.

Joaquin takes a swig. His thoughts are straying—that's not the point! Why is he... Geez. The bottom line is, Julian shouldn't be falling in and out so easily, or he'll just get hurt.

Joaquin can't resist wondering how many times it has been since Mark.

He cringes. Why does he even care?

******

Julian is feeling light-headed, his vision muddying into a constellation of colors. The flickering LED lights flashing from around him aren't helping at all. When he looks at Myka, he perceives two of her. Which he knows is impossible, but he's not thinking straight anyway. Literally.

"You alright?" Myka asks, cupping a hand to his ear, hoping he'd hear her better.

"Yeah! Yeah, I'm okay..." he says, grabbing a nacho hip and popping it into his mouth. The crunch is satisfying. Then, he sips his fourth (?) glass of beer. "I'm feeling—hic!—a bit... sleepy, though..."

"Ah! Better make that your last glass," Myka warns. "Or Joaquin would get up and scold again."

Julian expels a scratchy laugh. "What? Nah... He probably forgot that I'm an adult. It's been—hic!—a long time."

Myka squints. "So you and Joaquin were really close?"

"I... I'd like to believe so. But things change! You seem... close, too," he replies, stifling a yawn.

"Not sure... but we used to date."

"Oh." He looks over at Joaquin, who's talking to somebody from the Marketing team. Joaquin? In a relationship? He can't picture it. It's all just a blur.

Julian gobbles down his drink. "Um, ah, really," he mumbles. "How... how was that?"

"How was what? The experience?" she chortles. "It was okay! Mostly one-sided on my part. Joaquin's too... busy? I don't know."

Julian nods. Lids half-opened, he slurs, "I c-can see that. He's always been—hic!—an academic... academic achiever who couldn't care less about dating... I bet he was a... bore."

"No, no! I think he just didn't like me as much," she explains. "All good! Our parents kinda set us up anyway. If Joaquin found someone he actually liked I doubt he'd be the same. But you know him better than I do! Do you agree?"

Julian chuckles, nibbling more nacho chips, his hiccups coming intermittently. Joaquin finding someone he truly likes? In what universe could that happen? And does he still know him better than anyone? Not really.

But that would be an excellent story.

Julian hasn't forgotten what he'd heard and seen years ago, and at the bottom of his heart, he wishes Joaquin all the love and care in the world.

Julian also used to wish to be around to witness that. And in one way or another, he still does.

If only Joaquin would let him.