"what a shame it is -- that we are so quick to find a soulmate, before we take the time to find, and truly understand our own souls." - bianca sparacino

c h .   e l e v e n :

p l a t o n i c

I CAN VIBRANTLY PICTURE the knots and tangles caved in my messed up head.

Heart and brain clash in one confused daze; one screaming yes while the other tugs on my shoulder and begs to say no.

The three dots on my screen bounce up and down, as the person I am chatting with types his reply.

Julian
whatever. i'm going to play some video games, because you're 'sleepy'. good night.

I can all but gape in frustration when my eyes center in on that narrow eyed emoji.

Alexandria:
what???

The numbers on my phone shift from 1:30 to 1:35 am -- eternal silence except my mom's heavy breathing beside me.

Alexandria
sorry, my mind just isn't in a good state right now.

I briskly leave him on mute for a good 24 hours and search up Tyler's name. The bright smile on his profile picture is enough to send my heart into a spiral of emotions. Reculantly clicking our chat box, my thumbs dance in a quick dash, memories flooding like distant twisters.

Alexandria
Tyler, can I tell you something?

A tiny check mart beside the speech bubble appears. Seen.

Tyler
sure. what's up?

Everything rushes through me like a train. Back to the day I had bangs and no braces -- seventh grade. How I first meet him on the school bus, how he tells me about his devastating break up, how I cry my heart out telling him about my douche bag ex who left me all alone.

How he promised to never leave me alone, and I cried while he professed his admiration.

Admiration. But it was never. . . love.

Alexandria
I know this isn't going to be easy, but I want to break up with you. I'm setting you free. I just want to take a break from love and relationships -- concentrate more on myself and school maybe. I hope you understand. I know that I haven't given you much attention, and I'm sorry.

I still want to be friends with you, Tyler. You're a good guy.

I can pratically see him in front of his phone, sprawled across his bed, driftlessly laughing at memes and watching senseless videos until he reads my message, and then he sees the word break up. He'll stop and sit straight, readimg the foreign words again and again till they become familliar and real.

Tyler
I understand. The whole thing got us both kinda bored. I mean, we're young and still have lots of time. I know that. . .you were preoccupied with Julian.

Alexandria
I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. You deserve someone who'll look out for you and give her one hundred percent attention to you.

Tyler
Lol, forget about that. It's partly my fault too. Besides, I've been eyeing one girl in chemistry.

Alexandria
What? Omg who?

Tyler
Her name starts with the letter L. You'll find out soon enough. I'm planning to ask her out next week.

Alexandria
I'm dyinggg to know!

Tyler
You'll find out eventually. I saw this cute plushie at some store and I'm planning to give it her.

Alexandria
I ship you guys already. Good luck with the mystery girl!

I shut my phone off, just for a minute. The pale white ceiling above is stretched with my fragments of thoughts, condensing and mixing, and coming to a halt when I comprehend everything that's happened.

I broke up with Tyler.

Tyler. Tyler. Break up. Break up.

I need to get used with the two words being together in one sentence.

I open my phone again, searching up Ynna's name. She's probably fast asleep now, but I'll take my chances.

Alexandria
gurl, you up?

It says she was active a minute ago. Maybe she's still awake.

Ynna
yes. i'm studying for the math quiz while internally crying.

Alexandria
i broke up with tyler.

I read the words repeatedly, over and over until it feels real. Ynna replies immediately.

Ynna
WHAT? WHY?

To answer, I send screencaps of our whole conversation.

Ynna
that's the most platonic break up ever, but you do know that i ship you and tyler. i don't want julian and alexandria.

Alexandria
it's not like i'm in love with julian. i just want a break with everything. high school relationships never work out anyways, you'll separate eventually by college. and i need you to watch out for me so i don't fall.

Ynna
yeah, um how about no. you're on your own; if i can control my feelings to not fall for anyone, you should be able to control yours as well.

She does have a point, but I'm not too hyped about the fact that she doesn't want to help me out.

Alexandria
ugh, fine. what you're saying is true though. i need to control.

Ynna
and you do know that your plan of a hiatus from love is impossible, right?

Alexandria
why so?

Ynna
you talk with julian every day. he's always with you.

Alexandria
i can resist that.

Ynna
yeah right. sure, xandria. whatever you say.

I can't help the speck of doubt oozing from my heart. I'm sure I did the right choice but. . .

No, it isn't doubt.

I have to reassure myself that nothing is wrong, because setting Tyler free is a mature, bold move to make, and I'm proud of myself for doing that.

We'll go our separate ways, and I should be happy that he's a step closer to finding someone who is perfect for him.

a u t h o r ' s   n o t e

i felt so emotional while writing this chapter. i feel bad for tyler, but it seems xandria is doing the right thing.

aside from that, LIZA AND DAVID BROKE UP. i got sad even more. i'm not used to them being so glum and serious, and it's heart breaking that they use jokes to make everything seem lighter, but if you're a loyal follower of theirs, you can evidently see how serious they are. if you don't know them, just check this out.

oh, and i just need to rant about this other video in a peaceful way. for all those who watch liza and david's videos, watch the two guys in the video below. you'll know that they obviously lack knowledge about liza and david. i think they should be more informed before reacting to such a sensitive topic. i mean no hate; just trying to say my opinion.

- s t e l l a r d r e a m s