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KILL FOR YOUR LOVE.

act three.

(chapter ninety-one, need and want)

johanna mason's cabin, 76 ADD.

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EVER SINCE JUNIPER HALE had first been introduced to Dr. Aurelius, his advice and wisdom had echoed around her mending head. Sometimes, she didn't listen. Sometimes, his voice was just a nuisance. But now, when Juniper sat frozen on the edge of her bed, the morning sun shining into the room, she needed Aurelius more than ever. More than she ever needed anyone. 

("No." Aurelius shook his head as he dropped his hand. "Live freely. Live contentedly. And live peacefully... that's all I ask of you... happiness is something you must find yourself. Something I mustn't ask of you. Something you must ask and find.") 

("Until one wins..." Aurelius nodded. "But really, does one ever win in war?")

("The first step to overcoming that blame and guilt does not involve constantly brooding over it, killing yourself over it. Not sleeping because of it," the doctor continued. "You need to accept that mistake, whatever you made, without any rationalisation. What is done, is done. Mistakes are made to learn from them and if you don't, then you will continue to suffer until you make the corrections. Do you understand what I'm saying?")

("Perhaps, down the road, we may see each other again," he said. "I would hate it for this to be the last time we speak.")

Juniper's brain had caught up to her by then. The events last night did happen, not being some dream that the woman's inner desires had conjured up. Johanna Mason had kissed her. Johanna Mason, Victor of the Seventy-First, tribute from District Seven, had kissed her. The reasoning of why was not important to Juniper however, but rather the way she actually enjoyed it, the way she yearned for more. The way she yearned for Johanna. 

She had been kissed before and had kissed others before, but this was different. With Johanna, it was different. No man or woman in the Capitol could even compare to the softness of Johanna's lips, or the certainty of her hands grasping her cheeks and neck, or the way she pressed her body against hers— 

What was happening to her? 

In. In. Out. Out. 

In. In. Out. Out. 

In. In. Out. Out. 

("... I thought we were starting to like each other..." Johanna whispered, her smirk faltering slightly as she stared at Juniper)

(And she was holding Juniper's hand gingerly, the look on her face twisted with uncertainty as if it was the wrong thing to do)

(And as the Mason woman became focused on the gushing sound of the waterfall, fixated on the stream, Juniper closed her eyes and allowed her head to fall onto the other woman's shoulder)

(And she too dropped her head down onto Juniper's)

She shouldn't have been this enthralled by such a simple action of Johanna Mason's. But this wasn't a simple action. Johanna had kissed her. What was she supposed to do with that? Was she supposed to go downstairs and pretend nothing happened or was she supposed to talk to Johanna about it? The mere thought of that conversation petrified her. 

("Live freely," the man whispered into her ear. "Live contentedly... live peacefully... you, out of all people, deserve to feel such things.")

(Aurelius stared at the woman, eyes squinted before taking in a deep breath, saying softly, "Miss Hale... I am honoured to know you. It is a pleasure to have had your company. And I will cherish that.")

Juniper groaned, causing her to bend over as she placed her elbows on her knees, tugging at her hair with her hands. She could hear Johanna bustling around downstairs and the thought of the woman made her go loony. Why did she enjoy her kiss with her so much? And why didn't she kiss back? 

Should she have kissed back? What would have happened if Juniper kissed back? All these questions consumed her being, grasping her by the throat as if they intended to murder her. And all the Hale woman could do was remove her hands from her hair and clamp them over her ears instead. 

Was she scared to go down to Johanna? No, no she couldn't possibly be. It was Johanna, the woman who she had seen life and death with her. The woman who had eagerly allowed her into her home. She shouldn't even be petrified about talking to her. She was always at ease whenever talking to Johanna and she had multiple conversations with her that nothing would be different. Except, Johanna kissed her. 

And Juniper enjoyed it. 

Groaning and deciding enough was enough, the Hale woman stood up from the bed and sighed, inhaling the smell of cinnamon and apples that manipulated her senses. She shouldn't be terrified to talk to Johanna. The woman had kissed her and she had enjoyed it. Wasn't that enough to make her realise something? 

(When she didn't get one, Johanna merely muttered, "That's what I realised.")

(And then suddenly, without warning, Johanna's lips seemed to latch onto Juniper's)

(Johanna merely shrugged. "I realised something.")

Taking a big sigh, Juniper opened the crimson door and went into the hallway. There was a strong smell of caffeine that spread throughout the cabin, but the woman had gotten slightly used to it, the aroma only tickling her nose instead of making her gag. But as Juniper went down the squeaky stairs, she had to brace herself on the railings. What if Johanna thought last night was a mistake? What if she didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore? 

The mere thought made Juniper's mending heart ache, but she tried to ignore it. She had to ignore it, especially as she turned the corner and walked into the brown and crimson kitchen. There, she found Johanna cupping a mug of coffee, staring out of the window. 

Soft. Pretty. Solemn. 

In. Out. 

In. Out. 

In. Out. 

"I can book you a train back to Ten," Johanna said simply as she took a sip of the dark liquid. "The earliest I can get you is this afternoon." 

"Why would I want to go back to Ten?" Juniper questioned as she moved further into the kitchen. The woman from Seven had her back turned to her. 

"Well, I assume you don't want to stay here." 

"You assume wrong." 

Johanna turned around with her green eyes squinted and knuckles white from how hard she was gripping her mug. Juniper fidgeted uncomfortably underneath her stare and she begged for the woman to at least say something. 

"Why would I assume wrong?" Johanna asked. "You're better off in Ten or anywhere else than here." 

"But I want to stay here in Seven. I don't want to go anywhere else." 

"You say no-one else will let you in, but you're wrong." Johanna shook her head as she turned away. "I'm sure there are other Victors' who will gladly accept you."

"Like who?"

"I don't know, Hale." Johanna scoffed scornfully. "Maybe go to Four to Annie. She is pregnant, you know, and that is his child." 

Finnick was dead. Finnick was dead. Finnick was dead.

Annie was pregnant. Annie was pregnant. Annie was pregnant.

Prim was dead. Prim was dead. Prim was dead.

Lucy was gone. Lucy was gone. Lucy was gone.

She deserved this. She deserved this. She deserved this.

"I don't want to go anywhere else," Juniper repeated once more. "I want to be here... with you." 

Johanna's shoulders tensed. 

"What did you realise?" Juniper asked her. "During our conversation days ago... what did you realise?"

"That's not important—" 

"It is," she interrupted. "Tell me." 

Johanna seemed to clench her jaw as she placed the mug down on the crimson red countertop. She ran a hand through her curls, tugging at them before dropping her palm by her side. Her green eyes bore a hole into Juniper's soul. 

"Do you really want to know what I realised?" Johanna hissed, but didn't wait for an answer, for she swiftly added afterwards, "I realised I... I realised I..." 

"Spit it out, Johanna." 

"I realised I love you!" 

In. In. Out. Out. 

In. In. Out. Out. 

In. In. Out. Out. 

"You love me?"

Johanna shook her head with another scoff and turned away. "Yes... I think I have for a while. Didn't realise it... it was only the other day during that conversation did I understand..." 

In. Out. 

In. Out. 

In. Out. 

"Why?" 

That was the only question Juniper seemed capable of asking because other than that, she could feel her mind turning into slush, could feel her kneecaps trembling. Johanna Mason loved her. Johanna Mason loved Juniper Hale. 

"Why?" Johanna scoffed at this, which was a recurring action. She whipped around. "Why do I love you? I don't know, Hale. Why do birds fly? They just do." 

"Why me?" Juniper questioned, brows raised higher than ever before. "We hated each other—" 

"Of course we did. We did hate each other because we were too much like each other," Johanna interrupted her. "But not in Thirteen we didn't. We put our differences aside... and that's when it started to happen, not that I wanted it to." 

("Well... um... thanks," Johanna muttered as a sense of awkwardness washed over them. "That was... nice?"

"Yeah... well... goodnight.")

"The first night we shared the compartment..." 

"Yeah." Johanna nodded. "That's when I started to... feel... I didn't realise it until the other day... and trust me, it hasn't been a pleasant feeling." 

Juniper seemed to be consumed with silence. 

"You were the only person that... Juniper, you were the only person that understood me." Johanna's voice cracked slightly. "You saw past me. It was like... you saw into my soul. No-one else could. No-one else understood me but you... Finnick never did. He could never understand, bless him... no head doctor could... Haymitch couldn't... the star-crossed lovers couldn't... but you did. You understood me, all of me." 

In. Out. 

In. Out.

In. Out. 

"And I understood you," Johanna continued. "I understood you. I saw into your soul. I... I knew exactly what you were feeling because I felt it too. Pain. Agony. Torture. Loneliness... we understood each other. We had each other." 

"Johanna—" 

"Stop, Juniper. I need to get this off my chest." Johanna raised a palm to silence her. "I've never... I've never been in love before. All I know is that it's a horrible feeling... and it is. When I'm not with you, it is... but when I'm with you—" 

"Johanna—" 

"When I'm with you," Johanna interrupted, raising her voice slightly to overpower her words, "when I'm with you... it's not. When I'm with you, we bicker, and we tease, and we fight... but with you... I feel heard. I feel seen. I've never had that." 

"Johanna—!" 

"I know you're broken, Juniper. I know what happened to you, what happened to all of us has stuck with you. I know you're scared. I know you don't want to trust because I don't want to either, but—" 

Before Johanna Mason could even mutter one more word, Juniper Hale lurched herself forwards and smothered her lips with hers. Passionate. Vicious. Harsh. Enough to silence the woman, who gasped slightly before snaking her arms around Juniper's waist, bringing her closer. 

The kiss only lasted for a few heated moments before Juniper released herself, panting slightly with her cheeks flushed as she whispered, "Stop talking, you mad woman." 

"What—?" 

"Stop talking," Juniper whispered once more. "I don't know what I feel... but all I know is that it's all for you—" 

"Juniper—"

"I don't want to go to any other district," Juniper told her. "I don't want to go anywhere else. I want to be here in Seven. With you... I just want you, Johanna... I've lost a lot in my life. I've loved a lot of people. Nearly all of them betrayed me, died, or I left them... but I'm not willing to let you go... I can't let you go." 

Johanna stared at her, green eyes filled with wonder. 

"I love you," Juniper told her. "I have since I came here to Seven. I didn't realise it. Didn't want to... after everything, I didn't want to... but I do and I'm not going to deny that anymore..." 

"You're not just saying that... right?" 

"That would be cruel if I did." 

Johanna stared deep into her eyes as if she was trying to find any hint of deception, but when she found none, a smirk slowly made its way across her lips as her hands tugged at Juniper's waist, bringing her back in. And any kiss they had prior could not compete with the one they were having now as teeth and lips clashed against each other, filled with heat, passion, and built up emotions. 

Juniper gripped herself on Johanna's shoulders, squeezing them hard as she kissed the woman. Johanna dug her fingers into Juniper's hips, which was sure to bore bruises. They only let each other go when the need for air became apparent. 

"And... by the way... this feels right..." Juniper panted. "And it is right." 

"Damn right it is." 

Soon, Juniper's lips became smothered again and as she kissed Johanna, an odd sensation filled her. Her hollow head felt as if it was mending. Her shattered heart felt as if it was being bandaged. The aches and pains that tortured her body felt as if they were slowly leaving her, seething out into the open air. And as all of this happened, Aurelius's and Plutarch's voices echoed around her ears. 

("No." Aurelius shook his head as he dropped his hand. "Live freely. Live contentedly. And live peacefully... that's all I ask of you... happiness is something you must find yourself. Something I mustn't ask of you. Something you must ask and find.")

(Go home. Live long, happy lives. And don't be strangers, any of you.")

(You are the reason why the rebellion went the way it did and despite everything, I would do it all over again to get this outcome.")

When Plutarch Heavensbee muttered those words during their final meeting, unexplainable rage filled Juniper because how dare that man say such things? How dare that man say he would do it all over again to get this outcome? Finnick was dead because of the rebellion. Prim was dead. Justice was dead. Orion had betrayed her. She had killed Blight. Gloss. Cashmere Nicholo was dead. Juniper had killed Ash, Cedar, Leona, Wing, Hermes, Rayon, Dallas. And Plutarch would do all that again just to get this outcome? 

Insulting. 

But now, as Juniper Hale kissed Johanna Mason, she came to understand what he was saying. She would never wish for the people who had died to be dead. If she could change time, she would go back and sacrifice herself multiple times over for them. But she couldn't and perhaps she shouldn't. If she saved Justice, or Finnick, or anyone else, she wouldn't be here with Johanna. If she had changed anything, there was a good chance she wouldn't be in the brown and crimson kitchen with the woman she loved. 

So maybe Plutarch was right. If Juniper could do it all over again to get this outcome, she would. She wouldn't change a thing if it meant being with Johanna. And she needed her. She was Johanna's. 

Needed? Johanna's? 

No, she was not Johanna's because Juniper Hale did not belong to anyone, not anymore. But rather, she was with Johanna. She didn't need her in any case. She didn't need anyone. But she wanted her. Juniper Hale was with Johanna Mason by choice and wanted her. 

And there was a distinct difference between need and want. She could certainly live on without Johanna Mason, of course she could. She was Juniper Hale. She could easily push the woman off of her and leave Seven. But Juniper Hale didn't simply because she wanted Johanna Mason, not needed. 

Finnick was dead. Finnick was dead. Finnick was dead.

Annie was pregnant. Annie was pregnant. Annie was pregnant.

Prim was dead. Prim was dead. Prim was dead.

Lucy was gone. Lucy was gone. Lucy was gone.

She deserved this. She deserved this. She deserved this.

Johanna loved her. Johanna loved her. Johanna loved her. 

She loved Johanna. She loved Johanna. She loved Johanna. 

(Finnick clenched his jaw slightly before relaxing it, saying, "I just want you to be happy, June. I want you to be okay... I'm always on your side, remember? I am on your side.")

("I'm always on your side, June," Finnick said, clutching her hand tighter. "Always.")

("No." Aurelius shook his head as he dropped his hand. "Live freely. Live contentedly. And live peacefully... that's all I ask of you... happiness is something you must find yourself. Something I mustn't ask of you. Something you must ask and find.")

(It was only when the woman was just out of the door, did the doctor speak, muttering, "I hope you get your closure, Juniper Hale...")

("Shh," Justice tried to assure her. "It'll be okay, June. It'll be okay... you're gonna be okay, I know you're gonna be okay.")

(Lucy swallowed a lump in her throat as she said, "I... wasn't going to. I'm just saying no-one should be going through this.")

"What are you thinking about?" Johanna questioned once she had pulled away, palms now cradling her cheeks. They were both out of breath. 

"Everything." Juniper merely shrugged. "I'm thinking about everything." 

"Why?" Johanna let out a small laugh. "You don't have any regrets, do ya?" 

"Regrets?"  Juniper repeated with a smile. "No... no regrets." 

Johanna raised a brow and stared into her brown eyes before nodding slightly, bringing the woman back in as she kissed her softly. And as Juniper kissed back just as gently, she realised the five mantras had turned into seven and they echoed around her head. 

Finnick was dead. Finnick was dead. Finnick was dead.

Annie was pregnant. Annie was pregnant. Annie was pregnant.

Prim was dead. Prim was dead. Prim was dead.

Lucy was gone. Lucy was gone. Lucy was gone.

She deserved this. She deserved this. She deserved this.

Johanna loved her. Johanna loved her. Johanna loved her.

She loved Johanna. She loved Johanna. She loved Johanna. 

⇢ ˗ˏˋ matz 🎧 !

— idk if this is disappointing or not that they got together in the last chapter before the epilogue, but if anyone decides to bitch and complain, need i remind you this isn't a pure romantic story? this entire book isn't all focused about june and johanna and their love. it revolves around june and her story and growth