^ If this doesn't almost perfectly describe my life, I don't know what will




《Long controversial rant ahead》



Honestly, I feel like I need a therapist, or a really close friend

Just, someone I can freely vent to that can provide me real comfort

Not that you guys aren't great. I'd just prefer someone somewhat close by that I could visit regularly (despite Covid)

Plus, there's the attention seekers that make it so people can never know if you're actually being serious or just wanting attention

Anyway, I would have two major problems. One being the fact that I don't want to worry or burden anyone, and the other being that I'm scared and anxious about how people view me and how their opinion will only drop no matter what comes out of my mouth

I just feel like there's so much going on right now that I can't control or slow down. There's my health that I'm paranoid about. I've pretty much distanced myself from all my friends, I haven't talked to my friends across the country in years, and I'm distancing myself from almost all forms of social media, even though talking with you guys is a blast. The only person I really talk to and can actually have a conversation with is my little brother. I'm far behind in all my classes, which really goes to show how well I manage things since it's only four. I never ask questions 'cause I feel like they're stupid and I should know the answer since other people obviously do, and it ties back to how people view me. I have absolutely no plans for the future. I have no idea what the hell kind of career I'm aiming for, and everyone telling me to hurry up and make a decision isn't helping. Not to mention that I'm absolute shit at communicating with people and giving presentations, which also ties back to how I feel about peoples' opinions of me, but every job requires communication of some sort. On top of that, more and more jobs are preferring people with degrees, so it almost feels like a requirement to go to college just to get a job that will hardly pay off all the student loans that have accumulated over the span of 4 or more years

I'm not and don't feel ready to be released into the real world. Everything just seems so complex and confusing that I won't be able to understand it by the time I have to survive on my own. Even feeling that way makes me feel bad because all I can picture is me continuing to live with my parents with not a single thing accomplished in my life besides (maybe) graduating high school, and I don't want to be a burden or inconvenience to them. But I feel like it's going to come true anyways since I don't have an ounce of independence in me, and my indecisiveness only complicates things

All of this just scares me and makes me feel worse about myself and only makes me want to retreat even more from reality and deeper into the hole I've dug myself. Suicide would probably feel like an option for other people by this point, but even the thought of death and all its unknowns scares me, especially since I'm pretty sure I'm more of an atheist (I'm sorry, but there's no way I'm believing humans were made by God when there's scientific evidence of our evolution)

Staying in my own little world away from everything is the only appealing thing to me. Thinking up stories and their plots is much more interesting than having to do a pointless essay about a story I don't even understand. Hell, it's better than getting up out of bed



I'm a fucking mess and I don't know what to do or how to fix it

(About 645 words... Dang, I really ranted)