Diary Entry #39

I don't know how a night of fun, music and dancing turned into a night filled with anger and resentment towards the people I thought had my back. It's probably bad to be writing this at 2 am with a tear stained face, when I have to go to work in a few hours. But I can't sleep because I know I'll see his face in my dreams. I hadn't seen it in years. Now every time I close my eyes I see flashes of him. My phone keeps buzzing, with missed calls from Drumstick, Teddy and Petty, but none of them deserve to talk to me. I'm going to turn it off.

I know you must be confused about what happened. Here's what went down, here's why my night made a full 180 in a few seconds.

After Drumstick rocked the stage at Club Five, he was being cheered on by everyone in the crowd. My voice could possibly have been the loudest. He never took his eyes off of me as he came off the stage. In that moment I felt like I was the only girl in the room. Butterflies danced in my stomach as he smiled at me with beads of sweat running down his forehead. He made his way to me.

"You were amazing! You didn't tell me you could sing!" I exclaimed.

He pulled me into a warm and tight embrace. No air could pass between us. My body shivered at the contact between us even though I was heated from dancing. He pulled back and with sincere eyes he said,

"I'm really happy you came" I could only smile back at him as my heart rate increased exponentially when he kissed me unexpectedly on the cheek. I couldn't speak or move when he told me he needed a few minutes to pack up and say his goodbyes to his bandmates.

Okay let's fast forward a half an hour later when we're outside of the venue. I'm leaning against his vehicle wrapped in his blazer. He had a scent that could only be described as yummy and I was surrounded by yummy. We spent a few minutes with him telling me how he performed once a month at this restaurant for about 4 months now. He and the other guys in the band were friends from high school and been a band for two years. I told him that his voice was amazing. He told me I was amazing. If I was any other girl I probably would have been swooning.

"I really like you Lisa" he said stepping closer to me. My breathing shallowed as he closed the foot of space that was between us. He placed his hands on either side of me on top of the car, so there was no escape. He leaned in slowly. I was tempted to say I liked him too, but I said nothing, mainly because if I said it, then it would be true. And I was not ready to accept the truth!!

He was now about 3 inches from my face. I knew what was about to happen, he came closer and at the last Nano-second I turned my head away. He missed my lips by a fraction of a millimeter. As much as my body tingled, and I shivered not from the cold but from his closeness, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I found myself wanting it but I couldn't do it. He rested his head on my shoulder in defeat for a few seconds. His breath was hot on my neck and I found it too hard to breathe. I squirmed and he pulled back. He rubbed his hands over his face as if trying to wipe the disappointment from his face. His voice didn't hide it though.

"What is wrong Lisa?" he asked. I just shook my head. How could I answer that question when I myself didn't know what was wrong with me.

"What are you so afraid of?" he asked placing his hand on my cheek.

I couldn't answer that yet. I wasn't ready to go there. Not with him.

"Let's not go there" I said as I felt a lump growing in my throat.

"Why not? Come on. I haven't..." he paused. He turned away.

"Is it Antonio?" he asked so quietly you'd think he was talking to himself. This time my heart was racing, not from the rush of lust he gave me but from a fueled anger and confusion. Where did he hear that name? Who told him? And as soon as the questions circled in my mind, I knew the answer. Teddy. But I asked him anyway.

"Where did you hear that name?" He must have sensed the anger in my voice and shook his head as if he knew he messed up.

"Over the weekend when you weren't replying. I got concerned. So I called Teddy and he told me that you were afraid of relationships because of an ex who did you wrong some years ago. His name was Antonio."

I hadn't heard his name in two years. I swore I'd never say his name again. So I was confused as to why my best friend of so many years is whispering my dark secrets to a guy I didn't know that well. I feel so betrayed. Then the fool Drumstick had the nerve to continue talking.

"Why is it so hard for you to move on? To live your life?" he asked.

He was probably being genuinely concerned but I wasn't having it.

"First of all you don't know shit about me or my past. I don't owe you an explanation. I don't owe you anything"

"You don't but Lisa..."

"But nothing! Why is everyone so concerned with me and my love life? I AM FINE!" I yelled at him.

In that moment I realized I wasn't fine. The lump that formed in my throat caused my voice to crack and I was cracking too. The reinforced concrete walls I built around my feelings, were breaking under the tension and compression of wanting to spill everything and also wanting to bottle it up inside at the same time. My eyes teared up and he came towards me wanting to console me. I pushed him away.

"Stop! Just stop! I don't need no prince charming. I don't need you!" whenever I'm upset I don't want hugs or anything I want to be left alone. When I said that; he looked genuinely hurt.

"I'll take you home then".

He drove me home without a single word between us. I had managed to dry the tears as soon as they formed. I really hate crying. I think it makes you seem weak. And I'm not weak. When I got home, I left Teddy a strongly worded voice note. I didn't hide my anger or how hurt I was that he'd tell Donovan about Anto.... Him. I can't even write his name. The pain I feel from Teddy doing that mirrors the pain I felt 2 years ago. At this point I feel like I have no one but myself and honestly that's all I really need. Who needs friends? I certainly don't. I. AM. FINE.