"Alright. Since you're a spineless sap when it comes to this sort of thing I've decided to help you."

"I thought that you already agreed to help me? And I am not a spineless sap."

"Of course I agreed to help you, I'm just going to help you even more. And yes, at times you can be."

"Whatever Es. Just tell me again why they are here!"

Legolas pointed angrily at Frodo, Sam, and Merry who were standing with their arms crossed.

"We're here to help Es help you with your love life."
Frodo said narrowing his eyes.
"ES! YOU SAID THAT YOU WOULDN'T TELL ANYONE!!!"

Es rolled her eyes.
"Calm down Leggy, I only told them cause we are a Squad, a Hobbit Squad to be exact, and a Hobbit Squad never gives away someone's secrets."

"You can trust us Legolas."
Merry said proudly.
"We three are hobbits of our word. No one outside of this room is going to find out that you're afraid of talking to girls."

"I'm not afraid of talking to girls Merry."
Legolas crossed his arms and was beginning to think that this was a terrible idea.

"He's only afraid of talking to pretty girls."
Frodo said trying to be helpful.
"What is that supposed to mean Baggins?"
Es growled taking a menacing step towards Frodo.

"I-I meant pretty as in elf pretty! Y-you know, like elleths and stuff..."

"If you know what's good for you Mr. Frodo you'll stop talking."
Sam whispered to his friend.

"Can we please stay focused here?"
Legolas was beginning to think that this was a very bad idea.

"Right."
Es said clapping her hands.
"Since we established that Legolas is not afraid of talking to girls whether they are pretty or not- *pause to glare at Frodo* "We can get started on helping him overcome his shyness towards the girl that he likes. And do you know how we're going to do that?"

"By having an encouraging friend to friend heartfelt conversation?"
Legolas guessed.

"No silly! We're going to Role Play!"
Es laughed for a momeny before getting serious again.
"Alright so I'll pretend to be that girl you like, and whose name you still haven't mentioned, and you will be you. Got it?"

"Yes... But why do we need them? No offense guys."
Legolas said getting more and more unsure about this whole deal.

"Sam is going to act as your steadfast companion. If you feel like you can't carry on a good conversation on your own or something like that just to turn to him. He'll never let you down!"

"Great."
Legolas turned around to see Sam standing behind him uncertain about what he was supposed to do if Legolas needed his help.

"Ok now if this is really going to work we need to something about my height."
"Your what?!"
Legolas exclaimed.

"It'll be hard for this to work if we got a four foot hobbit trying to act as a six foot elf. Wait a minute how tall is that girl anyway?"

"She's not very tall actually."
Legolas told her.
"That works out perfectly then. MERRY! FRONT AND CENTER!"

"I'm right behind you Es."
Merry grumbled rubbing his now soar ear.
"Whoops. Sorry bro, here get on your hands in knees."
"What?"
"I need to stand on your back so I can be the proper height. Now hop to it!"

Merry grumbled but did as he was told.
"Just get on slo- AGH WHY'D YOU JUMP?!?!"
"So I could get on your back easier. Now stop talking."

Now Es was more or less eye level with Legolas, who had to tilt his head down a bit but it wasn't that bad.

"Alright now I'm going to start the conversation as mystery girl and you're going to respond as you normally would. First try and imagine me as her."

"Done."

"Wow... That was quick."
Es rubbed her neck awkwardly while Merry shifted uncomfortably.
By now everyone was having second thoughts about this whole thing.

"Ready?"
Frodo asked.
"ACTION!"

Getting into character Es started off the conversation.

"Hey Legolas. What's up?"
"Uh..."
"You look nice today."
"Uh..."
"Did you know that green is my favorite color?"
"Uh yeah, it's my favorite color too."
"STOP!"
Es shouted startling everyone.

"What's wrong Es?"
Frodo asked.
"Leggy's lying that's what."
"About what?"
Legolas asked as equally puzzled as the others.
"Your favorite color is not green! You told me that it was blue yet here you are saying that green is your favorite just because I said it was."

"I thought blue was your favorite color Es? When did you change it to green?"
Merry asked.

"And when did I tell you that blue was my favorite color?"
Legolas added.

"My favorite color IZ blue I was just saying green cause I was trying to be in different character. And Legolas you told me that your favorite color was blue that one time you were giving me an archery lesson!"

"Oh yeah. That was when you shot me in the foot."
Legolas backed away when he noticed Es' angry expression.
"We agreed to put that behind us."

"Can we just finish this please?"
Merry begged.
"My poor back is killing me."

"Fine whatever."
Es got back into character and tried another topic.
"So Legolas, I heard that you're good at archery."
"Yeah..."
"You must have been at it for a long time."
"Yeah..."
"Do you have any other hobbiea besides archery?"

Legolas hesitated when he realized that Es was going to make him carry on the conversation.

Panicking he turned to Sam.
"Help me Sam, I can't carry on this conversation!"
Sam started panicking too because he had no idea what to do to help. So he did the only thing he could think of.

"I can't carry on this conversation Legolas... BUT I CAN CARRY YOU! COME ON!!!"*

"SAM NO! PUT ME DOWN!"

Frodo nearly choked on the popcorn he was eating. Es nearly fell off of Merry and he almost collapsed in shock.

Sam ignored all that and with Legolas securely on his shoulders turned to Es with a look of pure determination and shouted, "MARRY THIS ELF!"**

"Good Gandalf."
Frodo muttered to himself as he resumed eating his popcorn.
"Ok this is awkward and
sudden."
Es said looking down at the elf slung on Sam's shoulders and then down at Merry.

"Well do you approve of him brother?"
"Sure why not? He's a good guy."
"Alright great. I accept your proposal."
"YOU MEAN SAM'S PROPOSAL! I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO MARRY ME! NOW PUT ME DOWN SAM!"

"I made a promise, Mr. Legolas, Es said "Don't you let him down Samwise Gamgee" and I don't mean to."

"Sam that's not what she meant."
"Quiet Legolas! This is awesome."
Frodo reclined in his chair and flung some more popcorn in his mouth.

"I'M SURROUNDED BY CRAZY HOBBITS!"
Legolas shouted trying to free himself from Sam's surprisingly iron grip.

When Es said that he wouldn't let me down she was right.

At that moment Aragorn and the other Rangers walked in and froze the moment they saw Es standing on Merry's back and Sam holding Legolas on his shoulders.

"This isn't what it looks like."
Frodo said for no reason.
"I don't even want to know what's going on here."
Arvanlyn said looking at the scene awkwardly.

"I think I just got engaged."
Es informed them.
"No we did not Es."
Legolas grumbled.
"You two were going engaged?"
Ayleen asked in shock.

"NO! NOW SERIOUSLY SAM PUT ME DOWN!"

Sam finally threw Legolas off of his shoulders and the elf fell onto the floor with a loud *THUMP*

"Of course you'd break off the engagement."
Es huffed while winking to show that she was totally kidding.
"Hey Frodo catch me."

"Say what?"
Frodo had no time to react as Es jumped off of Merry and landed in his lap.
"OOF! ESMERELDA BRANDYBUCK!"

Es patted him on the head and took a handful of his popcorn before jumping off of his lap.

Aragorn cleared his throat as he tried to forget everything that he had just witnessed.

"Um Legolas? I just wanted to let you know that the floodwater's gone down and we're about to resume our search for Winston."

"Sure go on ahead. Leave me alone with these wackos."
Legolas said from where he still lay on the floor with his face glued to the ceiling.

"You could come with us if you wanted to."
Ayleen suggested.
"I can't. I have to look after Fabulous."
"She can come too, she loves Varonwe and will follow him wherever he goes."

As if to prove her point the said Ranger and elk appeared. Fabulous was gently nudging Varonwe's shoulder with her head and the Ranger was rubbing her neck.

"Alright fine. But if anything happens to her ada will kill me."
Legolas stood up and gladly followed the Rangers out the door.

"Did he just dump us?"
Merry asked in disbelief.
"Oh no he didn't."
Es grabbed Frodo amd hauled him out of his chair.
"Come on guys. Our destiny awaits!"

With those words the four hobbits followed the four Rangers, elf, and elk out of the safety of Mirkwood and into the danger of a story.

****

*This joke was inspired by a Studio C skit entitled Lord of the Wingman. If you haven't seen it you should cause it's pretty funny.

**This is where the Studio C joke ends.