Word of the day: Diūliǎn (丢脸)

Literal translation: To lose face.

Definition: In China, the term "face" refers to more than just a body part. It refers to a person's dignity, self-respect, honor, and influence. Often, the face a person shows to society is different from the face that he reserves for himself. In the case of diūliǎn, to lose face means to bring shame to oneself. The implication is that action will cause the other person to think lowly of you.

Example: 我太丢脸了 (Wǒ tài diūliǎn le) - I am so ashamed.

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September 1st

Today was when she and Wu Chen planned to register their marriage today. That was until he tossed aside all their carefully laid out plans. Yiwen chugged wine straight from the bottle she was holding. In the last two months, she had consumed more alcohol than she did all of last year.

"Cheers," she toasted the wind.

Riding her temporary euphoria, Yiwen flew off the couch and spun around the room. She attempted a pirouette and ended up crashing into the wall. The last drops of liquid sloshed all over her silky black lingerie, leaving sticky patches of burgundy on her skin. Her back slid down the cold concrete until her lace-clad bottom touched the floor. She placed the empty emerald bottle beside her and leaned her head back.

When Yiwen was young, her mother had insisted she take ballet classes twice a week. Every Saturday and Sunday, when other kids played at the park, Yiwen dedicated half a day to learn how to move with grace. The other half, she spent with private tutors who worked on her English. In a country of 1.3 billion people, every advantage over the competition was necessary.

Yiwen wondered if all that hard work really paid off. At the moment, everyone else seemed to be racing ahead, while she fell farther behind. Also, what was the point of all those ballet lessons? As soon as Yiwen entered the corporate rat race, she realized this was a world with no room for music nor dance. All she'd done was trudge ahead, beating off competition, while she looked for the shortest path to the top. Learning some martial arts would have been more beneficial. Then she could defend herself against the assholes of this world.

At the shrill sound of her ringtone, Yiwen crawled towards the coffee table to check her phone. With eyes that refused to focus, it took several attempts to slide her fingers over the screen to answer the call.

"Whachyu want?"

There was a slight pause on the other end of the line. Then came a barrage of words spoken at a volume that almost burst Yiwen's eardrums. "Wang Yiwen? Is that how you speak to your mother?"

She put the phone down and looked around for her wine.

"I've been trying to reach you all day. Why weren't you answering my calls?"

Instead of replying, Yiwen got up and zigzagged her way to the discarded bottle. She picked it up and held it above her mouth. When no liquid fell, she made her way to the kitchen in search of more.

"Wang Yiwen, can you hear me? Wang Yiwen," she heard her mother's garbled shout.

Yiwen rolled her eyes then opened the fridge. She scanned its meager contents, which consisted mostly of skincare products. Luckily, she spotted a lone can of beer behind her face masks. Goodness knew how long it's been there, but at the moment she didn't care. Flicking the tab open, she took a gulp, then another. On her third sip, her phone rang again. Yiwen tried to ignore it, but her mother was relentless. Her ears began to hurt.

Sighing, Yiwen slowly made her way back to the living and accepted the call.

"Why are you being so difficult, you terrible child," her mother said.

There was a reason for that, but she found it hard to string a coherent thought.

"You've always been a good girl. Growing up, you never gave your father and I any problems so why are you acting out now? Is this some sort of delayed rebellion?"

"Gawd gurl," she slurred. "Lookie where that got mey."

There was a slight pause on the other end. "Are you drunk?"

Yiwen giggled. "No-oh, of curzaam not. Em a good girl."

"How can you be drinking at this time, you silly child! Shouldn't you be trying to make it up with Wu Chen?"

"Wu Chen, Wu Chen," she shouted. "Daz cheating ashhole! I duna wanna see him again."

"You're already thirty, but you're still acting like a child. Men cheat. It happens. But if you're wise, you'll not let one small mistake like that ruin your future. Talk it out with him and bring him back. You've been together ten years. How can you just throw it all away?"

Yiwen slammed the can of beer she was holding against the floor. Liquid fizzled and splashed all over her soft carpet. "H-he threw what we had away, not me! Wh-why should I l-lower my myself and beg 'im to take me back when hiz at fault?"

"Listen to yourself! You're drunk and incomprehensible. Is this how you deal with your problems?"

"I'm drunk coz I'm miserable. Can't be I sad for once? Sh-should I continue to act like everything's all right when it feels like my whole world is falling apart?"

"Stop being so dramatic. If the world ended every time someone got cheated on, humanity would have stopped existing long ago. Instead of wasting time feeling sorry for yourself, get rid of the mistress and bring Wu Chen back."

"I don't want to."

Her mother sighed. "Yiwen, my dear, you're not getting any younger. I told you to get married as soon as possible, but you didn't listen. Now, look what happened? Men always go for younger women."

Yiwen leaned her head back against the couch. Her brain felt like a buoy bobbing in the open sea. And her heart... She rubbed a sticky hand against her chest. Why did it feel like it's being ripped apart again? She'd already tried to put it back together countless times, yet every time she thought she was on the verge of healing, someone came to reopen her wounds. First, it was that encounter with Wu Chen at the restaurant. Then, that confrontation with Lili at the office. And now her mother, too?

"So it's my fault?"

"Wenwen... Mama just wants the best for you. At this age, you need to be more practical. Don't set your standards too high, okay? The older you get, the more your choices become limited. Your father and I are getting older, too. We want to see our only child get settled. We want to see our grandchildren, too, before we die."

"B-but what about my happiness?"

"You were happy with Wu Chen, weren't you? Otherwise, you wouldn't be with him for so long. Your father and I like him. He has a good job and a bright future. Forgive him this once and try to make it work. Okay?"

Yiwen squeezed her eyes shut and felt tears drip down her cheeks.

"All right, then," her mother went on, "stop drinking and go to bed. Everything will be fine tomorrow. Good night, darling."

"Good night," Yiwen whispered.

Once the call ended, Yiwen dropped the phone on the floor and drew her knees against her chest. Was her mother right? Was she being impractical by breaking up with Wu Chen? Was she wrong for thinking cheating was unforgivable? What if she couldn't find someone else? Most people in this country marry in their twenties. Those unmarried in their thirties often have no intention to do so or have been passed over. She didn't want to be either, but she also didn't want to settle. Yiwen lifted her head, grabbed a sheet of tissue from the coffee table, and blew out her nose.

Just then, her phone dinged and lit up. The name Li Zi'an flashed on the screen. She quickly straightened her posture, causing a wave of nausea to hit her. Yiwen gagged but managed to hold her vomit back. After blinking a couple of times, she tapped on the notification to view the message.

Zi'an (李子安): Hi! How are you?

Zi'an (李子安): Want to grab some milk tea this weekend?

Too dizzy to type, she recorded a voice message. "Why? You.. go bother some other woman."

Zi'an (李子安): Are you okay? You sound like you've been drinking.

She sent out another message: "Juzza little. Nothin' to worry 'bout."

Zi'an (李子安): Where are you?

Zi'an (李子安): are you outside?

Zi'an (李子安): do you have anyone with you?

Yiwen looked around. Her empty apartment stared back at her. She shivered. 

"I... I'm alone," she said into her phone, her voice cracking halfway. A soft whoosh confirmed her message had been sent. Li Zi'an's reply was instant.

Zi'an (李子安):  I'll pick you up. Send me your address?

Yiwen stared at his message for a long time, deciding what to do. In the end, she fumbled with her phone's keypad and typed in the address to her apartment building.

Zi'an (李子安):  I'll be there.

*******

Yiwen's must have fallen asleep, because the next thing she knew, she was jolted awake by the sound of her doorbell. Groaning, she pushed herself up from the floor and stumbled her way towards the door. She fell against it with a thud.

"Wang Yiwen, are you okay?" said a voice, muffled by the thick wood. "It's me, Li Zi'an."

"Li Zi'an?" she said, lips pressed against the wood.

"Yes, open the door, please."

With a grunt, she forced herself to stand upright. Her world spun. She gagged again.

"Yiwen, are you there?"

" Yesh," she said, fiddling with the locks. Once she pulled the door open, she found Li Zi'an on the other side, staring at her with his wide brown eyes.

"Yiwen," he exclaimed.

"Catch me," was all she could manage before her body swayed forward, giving in to the pull of gravity. She fell straight into his arms. Yiwen nuzzled her nose against his neck. "You smell good."

He chuckled. "Thank you. Let's get inside and close the door, shall we?"

She nodded.

Zi'an wrapped an arm around her waist, then scooted their bodies forward. Soon after, she heard the lock click.

"Let's get you on the couch, okay?" he said, his warm breath fanning against her ear.

She clutched snaked her arms around his waist and grabbed fistfuls of his shirt in response.

"All right, then." He lifted her a little and settled her feet on top of his. "Let's go a little at a time, ready?"

She bobbed her head again. Li Zi'an then bore the brunt of her weight and half-walked, half-dragged her towards the couch. But the movement was too much for head. Before they reached their destination, she puked against his chest.

"Ugh," she heard Zi'an say.

Yiwen pushed against him and stared at him aghast. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"But your shirt..." She took in the wet, mushy patch marring the white linen, then the sharp stench of fermented liquor and half-digested food. "Wait---"

This time, Yiwen rushed towards the kitchen and managed to reach the sink before she started retching her guts out. Zi'an followed close behind.

"I'm so sorry," she sobbed, in between bouts of vomitting. "I shouldn't have asked you to come. Wǒ tài diūliǎn le."

He held back her hair with one hand and rubbed her back with the other. "It's okay. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. We've all been here."

"No, I---" She puked some more. When she felt like she had nothing else left in her stomach, Yiwen turned on the tap to wash away her mess. She also cleaned her face and mouth while she was at it. When she noticed the stains on her lingerie, she washed those, too.

Yiwen didn't notice Li Zi'an's departure, only that when he came back, he held her bath towel in his hands.

"Done?" he asked, walking towards her.

When she nodded, he gently gathered her hair away from her nape then dropped the towel over her shoulders. She tugged the ends closer so they wrapped around her body.

"Let's bring you to your bedroom so you can get some rest, okay?"

"Okay."

This time, she was able to walk by herself, so she led him to her room.

"Where do you keep your clothes?" he asked when they got there.

"Why?"

Yiwen shed off the bath towel then headed straight to bed. Zi'an held her back.

"Your... uh... your sleep clothes are wet. You should change so you don't get sick."

"But I'm tired. I wanna go to sleep."

Wrapping an arm around her shoulder, Zi'an led her to the dressing table and sat her on the chair. "I know. You can sit here while I get your clothes, okay?"

"All right."

Yiwen rested her head against the dresser. She heard Zi'an looking through her closet. When he returned, he was holding a set of pajama shorts with their matching top. He put it on the table next to her head.

"Here, you can change by yourself, right?"

"Of course," she huffed.

He grinned and patted her head. "Good girl."

Yiwen smiled back. She liked being told she was good. Zi'an's eyes momentarily dropped to her chest, before flicking back to her face.

"All right," Zi'an said, clearing his throat. "While you change, I'll go get you some water."

Before she could reply, he hurriedly walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. Meanwhile, Yiwen struggled out of her flimsy clothes and put on the set he gave her. Then walked to her bed and settled herself underneath the blankets. Li Zi'an came back shortly, knocking on the door first to make sure she was dressed. When she asked him to come in, he stepped inside the promised glass of water in hand.

"Drink first," he said. "Your body's dehydrated."

Yiwen lifted her head and took a sip from the glass he held against her lips. She managed to drink half of it before falling back against the bed. "Enough," she coughed.

Li Zi'an placed the remainder of her drink on her bedside table. She observed his shadowy profile, only slightly illuminated by the light streaming through the open doorway. Her heartbeat sped up a little.

"Go to bed now, Yiwen," he said, regarding her from his great height.

Yiwen yawned. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Will you be here when I wake up?"

A corner of his lips lifted. "Only if you want me to."

"Stay," she murmured. "I don't wanna be alone."

"I'll be here," he replied, his voice low and sonorous.

Yiwen smiled in contentment. Her lids drifted shut.

It was nice not being alone.

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Author's note:

Okay, I give up! I can only upload one chapter per week. Hahaha... Sorry, guys! I've been traveling and will travel some more so my schedule's pretty tight. <3

If you enjoyed this chapter, please let me know!