*intro music swells* 

Sandy: Hello and welcome to our show, Love In the Time Of! While other shows bring you boring, everyday love stories, here on Love In the Time Of we bring you the most fantastical, most apocalyptical, most cursed love problems, and then we go behind the lines, to solve 'em. So if you're an alien helping invade Earth, only to realize you're in love with the astronaut whose space ship you blew up, we've got you. Or maybe you're a mermaid in love with a fish hunter who keeps spearing all your pets: we want to help! Perhaps you're a necromancer who tried to help the woman you love, only to accidentally send her to the land of the dead. Trust us, we've dealt with worse. Today we've got an episode unlike no other! I'm your host, Sandy Breckermen, and we're going live on the ground right now, with my co-host, Drew Luna. Drew, are you there? Can you tell us what we're looking at?

Drew: Hi Sandy! *screams and growls in background, Drew panting and the sound of running*

Sandy: Drew, are you there? Can you tell us what today's love story will be?

Drew: *more growling, and running, but Drew's voice still upbeat, breathing between each burst of words* Today we're doing Love... In the time... of the Apocalypse!... Specifically the... Zombocalypse!

Sandy: . . . did you say Zombocalypse?

Drew: Yes! I'm down here in beautiful Arizona... in a small town with a little zombie problem. But no big deal.... getting my steps in... And I'm just about to meet up with George-- ugh! No biting! One sec! *more growling and running in background*

Sandy: Drew, are you still there? One second while we try to reconnect with Drew. This reminds me of last season when we lost Drew in outer space for a few minutes. Or the time we lost him in a cave of that werewolf! Good times.

Drew: *sound of heavy door slamming* I'm back, Sandy! And bite-free I'd like to add. You know, in case you want to have a drink or--

Sandy: — That's great to hear Drew. Have we found the first part of our couple?

Drew: You know Sandy, all these near death experiences really makes me think about finding someone for myself—

Sandy: Sorry, did you say finding someone? So you've got George there with you? Paint the listeners a picture Drew.

Drew: Oh yes, right, sure thing Sandy! Right now I'm standing in the most beautiful little bunker, skylights through the steel coverings, a real garden growing between the bars, and here, walking towards me now is George! *sound of hands shaking* George, it's a pleasure meet you. Thank you so much for sending in your story, we are so excited to be doing Love in the Time of the Apocalypse. Some might say it's a bit dangerous, or be worried for my welfare, but not Sandy! Now, George, I can't help but notice you don't have any guns or weapons here. Is that— erm— wise? Considering your local zombie problem?

George: *clears throat* Thank you for your presence, Drew. There are no weapons of any kind in my bunker. Only peace and harmony. I live the life of a pacifist.

Drew: Ummm....

Sandy: Did he just say he's a pacifist? In the middle of a town overrun by zombies?

Drew: *clears throat* Well now, George, that's certainly... admirable. So, umm, no weapons at all?

George: None.

Drew: *chuckles nervously* Right, yes. Well, let's just move past that. George, could you tell us all a bit about the girl you're in love with?

George: Her name is Hadley. *soft sigh* I've never met anyone like her before.

Sandy: How do you mean George?

George: She drives a tank around, usually to run over the zombies. And she likes to throw grenades and drink whisky. I never thought I'd fall for someone so attuned to violence. But she's got these eyes that sort of twinkle every time she's holding a stick of dynamite, and I don't know... I just can't stop thinking about her... But everything I've done to try and win her over has failed miserably.

Drew: Well now, George, tell us a bit about these attempts and we'll see if we can't find a solution!

George: I planted a garden of lilacs and roses for her, but she ran it over with her tank. And I caught and tamed one of the wild horses for her, but the zombies bit it so she shot it in the head.

Drew: Ummm....

Sandy: *clears throat* Let me jump in here Drew, as I think we could do with a woman's perspective. Or at least the perspective of a fellow whisky drinker. I think your problem, George, is that you're trying to win Hadley over with things that you like. You need to think the way she does.

Drew: While still holding true to yourself.

Sandy: But mostly what I said.

*distant sound of a tank rumbling across ground. More growling. Gunshots. Then a sudden thumping on the door.*

Hadley: Drew! I know you're in there! Open up!

George: That's her!

Drew: That's her!

Sandy: Let's focus guys.

*sound of heavy breathing, and Drew thumping George on the back, giving George a pep talk. More pounding on the door*

Hadley: You better open this door up or I'll blow it down!

*sound of latches being thrown and door opens, then closes, footsteps stomp closer.*

Hadley: Who the hell is this new guy? You bring in some other hippie dippie zombie lover?

George: *stuttering* Oh, well, this is, umm, so to say--

Drew: I'm Drew, a zombie infestation specialist. Now George here tells me you're the best zombie hunter in the whole town. I'm on the line, right now, with a fellow Zombie specialist, Sandy, and we'd like to send the two of you on a date— I mean, a Zombie scouting expedition.

Sandy: Hello, Hadley! Sandy here! What do you say? We're going to send you two on the most romantic— I mean diplomatic— helicopter ride we have, to take you on a sunset... scouting expedition. We'll even send some champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries.

Hadley: I don't drink champagne. But that's not why I came here. I came here for George.

George: *hopeful* Really?

Drew: *happy* Really?

Sandy: *doubtful* Really?

Hadley: Well, I was going to tell you what an idiot you were for making cupcakes for the zombies. But then I tried one, and it was the best thing I've ever tasted. It even had this little kick to it, like you added just a splash of....

George: *timid* Whisky?

Sandy: You bring a dozen of those cupcakes tonight, I'll go with you anywhere. *Zombie moaning in background. Sound of gun being cocked* I'll see you tonight George. And bye, whatever your name was. *sound of door kicked open, then gunshots and zombies moaning. Door slams shut.*

Drew: Wow! Hadley seems like a real firecracker! And I'd say you've got a real shot with her! We'll get that romantic helicopter in here, and remember, like we always say on Love in the Time of--

Sandy: Don't be a wimp!

Drew: I was actually going to say be yourself. You seem like a real nice guy, George, with a lot to offer. Even as a pacifist living among zombies. We've seen crazier things work out, haven't we Sandy?

Sandy: We sure have! Glad to see you guys have figured out a solution. We'll drop in on your date later tonight. And next week on Love in the Time of, we'll be meeting up with Vlad, a vampire who fries like an egg in the sun, who's in love with a surfer chick who hates Twilight. 

Drew: Sounds like a problem we can really sink our teeth into!

Sandy: . . .Right. So remember all you listeners, here on Love in the Time Of, YOU send us your most magical, most fantastical, most apocalyptic love problems, and we find a way to solve 'em.

Drew: Love in the Time of the Apocalypse has got you, no problem!

Sandy: Without rhyming. We talked about not rhyming Drew.

Drew: If a zombie, bites me, I might have to sue!

Sandy: *sighs. outro music swells*

Drew: Hey Sandy, sorry about the rhyming. Won't happen again, unless, you know, you decide you like it. Any chance you could send a helicopter for me too?

Sandy: Sorry, Drew, not in the budget. And while I'm on that subject, try to conserve bullets.

Drew: Oh, no worries, George took my gun. See you next week? That vampire story sounds really fun. Maybe we could talk about it over coffee?

Sandy: *sound of helicopter growing* Gotta go Drew, the helicopter's almost here and I want to get some dialogue from Hadley before the big date.

Drew: Sure, no worries. I gotta run too. *sound of running and zombie moans following after*