'Personally,' Mattie said, as she sipped on a lemonade and lime because – to Rafe's intense displeasure – she was Tobias's designated driver for the evening. 'I think you should lower your standards. Certainly, your expectations. The sort of people who use speed dating are... well...' she said, glancing over her brother-in-law's body, 'like you.'

'What does that mean?' he asked tersely.

'A little bit... unlucky in love? Perhaps on their last resort?' she teased. He scowled, and she rushed to placate him. 'That was a joke. I just mean that people who are inundated with offers probably don't do speed dating.' She frowned at the gaggle of strangers in the corner of the room. 'It doesn't strike me as the kind of thing you'd do for shits and giggles.' Her frown morphed into a grimace. 'It seems like something you do after a significant run of bad luck,' this last said more to herself, than to him. 'Anyway, what I mean is, you shouldn't expect to hit it off with someone straight away. You shouldn't expect love at first sight. Just...' She paused, wondering what advice she could possibly give to a man who was so unreliable and childish, and everything her husband was not. 'Just give these women a chance. Don't write them off just because there's not an immediate connection. If everyone did that, you wouldn't get any ticks, either.'

'But it's speed dating. There's meant to be an immediate connection!' Tobias grumbled. 'I thought that was the whole point of this!'

'Look,' Mattie told him, placing her palms to his shoulders. 'Just be yourself. Your nicest self. The one who can be kind and patient and who isn't judgemental or aiming too high. You are forty-six and resolutely single. You do have a bad track record and I'm sorry, but you're not an alpha male.'

'Right,' Tobias said, his irritation more than apparent, because Mattie was supposed to be his wingman; she was supposed to boost his ego, and instead, she was bringing him down. 'So, I'm to accept that the women at this thing might be...'

'As left on the shelf as you are, so all's equal.'

'You're a smug married. Did you know that? You're a smug married.'

'Anyone married to Raffey would be smug!' Mattie declared unapologetically. 'Do you know how big his –'

'Shut up!' Tobias hissed, before straightening his shirt and fussing with his hair. 'Do I look okay?'

'You're the most attractive guy here,' she promised, which wasn't saying much, considering she'd already cast some less than flattering aspersions on the crowd of speed daters. 'Just remember,' Mattie finished, in a serious voice. 'You have a lot to offer, but it's not always instantly apparent. The same is probably true for everyone here.'

'Right,' he nodded. 'I can do this. I'm not scared.' And he wasn't, because Tobias was a very confident person. He knew his own worth, even if his self-valuation was over-inflated. The problem he had was knowing his own mind. He didn't know what sort of woman he was attracted to. He'd had lots of girlfriends and flings. All different in their own way. Their only common denominator had been their gender and their failure to go the distance.

He walked over to the barman with the clipboard, was told to start at table six, and set his wine down in front of a woman with flaming red hair.

'Hello,' he said, holding out his hand. 'I'm Tobias.' Mattie winced as she sucked on her straw. She wasn't convinced that a corporate hand-shake was the way to go. A kiss on the cheek was arguably overkill. She'd be inclined to offer a stilted wave of greeting, but wondered if that was childish. I'm probably not a wise choice for a wingman... she mused, as she watched the redhead take Tobias' hand and shake it with a tight smile.

'I'm Jodie,' she said. 'With an "I.E", not a "Y.'

'Well,' Tobias replied with a tremendous fake smile, 'Hello "Jodie with an I.E." It's nice to meet you.'

'You don't know that yet. How can you possibly know that from a fleeting "hello"?' she demanded. But she was wrong, because Tobias did know, from that point onwards, (if the "I.E" hadn't already clued him in), that it was not nice to meet Jodie.

He moved on. Five minutes, although mercifully short, felt painfully long.

'Hello,' he said, offering his public schoolboy handshake once more. 'I'm Tobias.'

'I'm Emily,' replied Emily. 'I'm thirty-seven and have two cats. Monica and Joan, after Sister Monica Joan from Call the Midwife. She's my spirit animal, I think, if they exist, and if a human being counts as an animal, which I think it probably does.'

'A human definitely counts as an animal,' Tobias replied, politely ignoring his own confusion. 'Trust me; I'm a science teacher. I know about these things.'

'Oh? Science? I never really enjoyed science at school.'

'What do you do? For work?' Tobias pressed.

'I work in library. I'm doing an Open University course to become a librarian. I love books. Do you like books? I find it tends to be a female thing? My favourite books are the classics of course, and I adore poetry, but I really quite enjoy a surprising amount of young adult fiction, too. What about you?'

'Young adult?' frowning, because she was thirty-seven, and he understood "young adult" to mean the dross that clogged up the fiction section of the school library.

'Oh, yes. A lot of fantasy. Not sci-fi; I find that too...' She sought about for the word. 'Scientific,' she finished with, before laughing nervously. 'See!' she said. 'I told you I didn't enjoy science at school. But you like science. You must enjoy sci-fi; films if not books?'

'Not really. I prefer comedies, thrillers, crime stuff, y'know?'

'Oh! I do like crime novels and TV shows. Poirot, Miss Marple, Jonathan Creek. I do like Rosemary and Thyme a great deal – it's a shame they stopped making that – but Monica and Joan don't enjoy the grittier shows. I think they get scared.' Tobias was scared. He didn't enjoy the prospect of dating a woman who believed that her cats had TV preferences. He felt that as far as cats were concerned, all they really wanted was someone to lick their arse for them.

'I think,' Tobias said gently, forced to interrupt Emily mid-flow (she was telling him about her extensive travels – York and Cardiff), when the bell rang to signify the end of their five-minute slot. 'That's my cue,' he told her, pointing to the tables around them; the men rising to move on.

'Oh? So soon?' She looked disappointed. He felt relieved. Slipping into the seat at the table beside Emily's, he heard her say to the next man at her table, –

'I'm Emily. I'm thirty-seven and I have two cats; Monica and Joan, after Sister Monica Joan from Call the Midwife. I think she's my spirit animal, if they exist and if humans can be spirit animals. A science teacher has told me that they can.' Suppressing an incredulous smile, he looked at the woman with the shaved head in front of him, held out his hand and said, –

'Hello. I'm Tobias.'

'I don't shake hands, I'm afraid. Unhygienic.' He nodded, slowly withdrawing his hand while feeling self-conscious, because he didn't think she looked freshly scrubbed, so if she was worried about touching him, what did he look like? What did he smell like?

'That's okay,' he replied, sinking into his chair. 'I understand.' Silence stretched between them. He wasn't sure what to say.

'You sound posh. Are you posh?' she asked, with a gimlet eye.

'Um... middle class, I think.'

'Posh, then.'

'I'm a teacher,' he told her defensively.

'State or independent?'

'State.' Because parents at independent schools were aresholes. 'What do you do for work?'

'I'm a musician.'

'Oh! My cousin's a musician. Sort of. He's a doctor, but he's a very talented pianist. He's played all over Europe and in Tokyo. He's played for Prince Charles, too. What sort of music do you –'

'Rock. I'm on vocals,' she cut in.

'Lovely,' he nodded, suspecting that her idea of vocals were very different than his. 'I have no musical ability whatsoever,' Tobias continued, when another awkward silence ensued.

'I can well imagine,' she told him. And it was only when he was moving onto his next date that he realised she hadn't even told him her name.

'Hello. I'm Tobias,' he said, as he held out his hand to a woman with a horsey face.

'I'm Lettice,' came her plumy reply. She took his hand and shook it limply with the world's softest hands. He suspected she didn't even masturbate; so unused to manual labour must such soft hands be.

'It's nice to meet you,' he said, grateful that Lettice wouldn't think him too posh because she was posh enough for the pair of them.

'Did I hear you tell that... woman that you have a cousin who's a pianist; that he's played for Prince Charles?' Tobias nodded.

'Yes. At his –' But Lettice interrupted him.

'I'm not fond of Charles. Not after the way he treated Diana. She was my music teacher's aunt's friend's sister, you know?'

'No, I didn't,' he replied, with mock concern. 'Really?'

'Yes, and the way he and Camilla carried on. Adultery! Dreadful.' He wondered how Lettice would feel about the adultery he had committed with his own brother's wife. And with the mother of his cousin's first child...

'Hello,' Tobias said, sitting down without bothering to look at his next date properly. He was beginning to feel ridiculous.

'Hello Toby!' laughed Gemma; the P.E teacher from his high school. He looked at her sharply at the sound of her familiar voice; at the nickname a lot of his colleagues used for him.

'Hey!' he said, his cheeks flushed. He hadn't expected to see anyone he knew. It wasn't a nice surprise either, because he felt it surely did his image no good to be seen speed dating. 'My sister-in-law forced me into this,' he explained, gesturing to the room at large. 'It's been a complete disaster.'

'It has been a little disappointing so far,' Gemma agreed. 'And I didn't have high hopes to begin with.'

'What made you decide to come?' he asked. 'I'm surprised to see you here, actually. I thought you were...' His voice trailed off.

'What?' she asked, with a frown.

'A lesbian,' he finished lamely.

'Because I'm a female P.E. teacher?' she challenged, with a knowing smirk.

'No!' he insisted. 'No,' more gently. 'Because I saw a woman drop you off at school once and you kissed her as you got out of the car.'

'Oh,' she grinned. 'I don't discriminate when it comes to sex.'

'Really?' his voice tight, frustratingly high. He felt like a small child; completely out of his depth.

'Not as open minded as you'd like to think, perhaps?' But Tobias was very open minded about sex. At least, when it came to extra-marital sex and he was the "extra" part, as opposed to the "marital" bit.

'I'm completely fine with whatever,' he said, as casually as he could. 'I just find discussing the sex life of a work colleague a bit... awkward.'

'You're so buttoned up!' she laughed.

'No one's ever accused me of that before,' he replied, frowning. Buttoned up? Rudy is buttoned up. Even Raffey's more buttoned up than me! At least... I think he is.

'That's because you don't live in the real world,' she informed him.

'The real world? Of course, I do! I live in Camden, for Christ's sake!'

'One of the richest boroughs in London!' Gemma insisted. 'You don't flat share either, do you?'

'Flat share?' he asked, in consternation, because Tobias hadn't lived in a flat once; not even as a student.

'Oh dear,' she laughed. 'You own your own house, in Camden?'

'I am in my forties, you know!' he told her, not that he hadn't owned the property for a long time.

'And I'm thirty-nine and still share a flat so that I can afford to live in a decent postcode,' Gemma explained. 'Because I work in the public sector and my salary doesn't extend to buying luxury property in upmarket parts of London. But then, I'm not a public schoolboy slumming it in a comprehensive.'

'Perhaps you're not as open-minded as you think you are, if you can make all these assumptions about me based upon the fact that my parents could afford to send me to public school!' he scowled. 'You don't know anything about me, and you're judging me on my educational background!'

'And your current address; your homeownership, and your tendency to wear expensive clothes to work; to drive a flash car and take luxury holidays,' she challenged.

'Are you angry with me?' he asked, because he felt as though he was being accused of a crime.

'No. I couldn't care less if you vote Tory, although I do think you should have joined our union.'

'You obviously do care that I vote Tory, and I won't apologise for it,' he said. 'Spending money stimulates the economy. My fancy holidays and designer clothes create jobs. Having a cleaner helps to pay someone's wage. I'm not going to feel guilty for not relying on the state.'

'But you didn't earn your wealth, did you?' Gemma challenged. 'You inherited it from your parents. You do essentially the same job as me, yet you own your own home and I rent in a flat-share. Can't you see how unfair that is?'

'Why the Hell are we discussing politics on a speed date?' he asked angrily, with a raised voice; not that their voices hadn't been raised for the past minute or more.

'Because I wouldn't actually date you if you were the last man on Earth!' Gemma said blithely. 'And I wouldn't need to; not with me liking women, too.' And she smirked at him triumphantly.

'Well,' Tobias snapped petulantly, 'I wouldn't date you. Your union is shit and your girls under fourteen netball team is even shittier!'

'Don't call my girls shit!' Gemma hissed.

'Well, they are!' Tobias said, folding his arms across his chest implacably. He smirked at the sight of her irritated face, but was pulled from his moment of triumph – although what he had triumphed at was unclear – when the bell rang to signify that he needed to move on.

'Thank God!' Gemma muttered under her breath, as he rose from the table. He ignored her, willing himself to calm down, before sliding into the seat at the next table.

'Hello,' he said, holding out his hand. 'I'm –'

'Toby,' his new date cut in. 'I heard you and her,' nodding her head in Gemma's direction. 'It was hard not to hear you.'

'Oh. Right...' His cheeks flamed once more. 'Sorry.'

'That's alright,' she told him, with a coy smile. 'I like Camden. And I've nothing against Tories or public schoolboys. Fully-grown ones, at least.'

'It was horrific!' Tobias complained, as Mattie took him to a bar further down the street, so that he could bitch about the women he'd met without any of them overhearing. 'Gemma – the woman from work – she was right up my arse about not being poor. Like it's a crime.'

'I don't think you're meant to refer to normal, hardworking people with decent jobs as "poor", Toby,' Mattie said, as she handed him a large glass of wine in a bid to calm him down. 'I don't agree with her – she was judgemental and unfair to you – but you don't know what the real world is like. Not really. Not when you've never had to worry about money.'

'But it's not my fault!' he cried. 'And I'm not ignorant, either. There are poor kids at school. I do have a decent understanding of the challenges they face.'

'But only theoretically.'

'Well,' he said, staring at her in irritation. 'You only have a theoretical knowledge of what it's like to be a man, and yet you still claim to understand Raffey.'

'Forget about Gemma. What about the others?' Mattie shushed.

'Well... there was Gemma, who didn't like me because I'm too wealthy. There was Sarah, who liked me because I am wealthy. There was Lettice, who didn't like me because I'm not wealthy enough. There was Emily, who was weird and kept talking about cats. There was the woman with the shaved head – she was f*cking scary. The woman who asked if I wanted kids and when I said "probably not", she instantly put a cross in my box. The sweaty woman who was too sweaty. The woman who stank of dog, the overweight woman and I'm sorry – I don't expect model good looks but I need to get able to get a hard on around her and there's just no way I could - and then there was the woman who asked if I was gay. When I said no, she put a tick in my box, no more information needed. So... yeah. It's between the last one, and Emily, the cat lady. I'm leaning towards Emily, because although her place probably reeks of cat food, I doubt it'd reek of desperation like the last one's would.'

'So... not a successful evening then, but not a waste of time, either,' Mattie pondered.

'How did you work that out?' Tobias asked in consternation, because he was certain that the evening has been a complete waste of time, thank you very much!

'Because we gathered a lot of very useful information.'

'Such as...?'

'You're too posh for Momentum supporters. You're not posh enough for high-society types. You're not into edgy types – the musician with the shaved head – but you don't want children or women who seem desperate, either. Nor do you want a woman who's attracted to your wealth. So that leaves...' She frowned. She wasn't sure who it did leave.

'Masturbation?' Tobias quipped.

'An older woman, I think.'

'What?'

'An older woman. Someone who isn't intimidated by your financial situation, and isn't too attracted to it either. Someone mature enough to accept that people have different world views, and someone who doesn't want children. A younger woman is likely to still want children; she certainly has the time to change her mind about not wanting them in future. If you go for an older woman, infertility may have removed all risk. The lack of biological clock will probably also remove the whiff of desperation.'

'But I'm forty-six. An older woman would be... well... old!'

'But old is sexy. Raffey's very sexy.'

'But...' He grimaced. 'What was wrong with Emily? I might grow to like cats, and the cats probably negate the need for children!' Mattie shook her head sadly.

'You are a mess!' she insisted. 'You're not to make your own dating decisions. From now on, run things past Vicky and me first, otherwise you'll end up breaking a poor cat lady's heart. 

*** Author's Note ***

Do we have high hopes for Tobias? Mattie's not a great wingman, but is she right that he ought to find himself an older woman? It goes without saying that Rafe does not approve of Mattie's latest project, but the beta brother needs his own storyline, so...