The sensation of drowning. It's almost a constant these days. Muffled words don't reach my consciousness as if my head were submerged in water. Moving lips without meaning. We travel from pack to pack, form new allegiances, train their fighters for the war to come. Gideon has taken charge, showing them how to tear off warlock hands without exposing the attacker to too much danger, how to smash in skulls so that enemies immediately lose perception of their surroundings, how to stay out of the magical path of destruction. Valuable skills that will save many lives. I just wish I cared.

Kendrick bends over backward to reassure me that we have a future together. I appreciate the effort, although I also sense his wolf is not aligned. He is restless, searching for his mate, howling at night when she stays silent. His confusion grows with every passing day. He wants his pal, his lover, the partner who makes him whole. I'll never be able to satisfy him without my wild.

At some point, he'll break to the surface. It will mark the end of our relationship. A few times, I sense he is close. A subtle, unprovoked growl. Razor-sharp nails digging into my back when Kendrick pulls me into a hug. His fangs cutting my lip during a kiss. His wolf is readying himself to make a move and Kendrick is just fooling himself if he can't sense it.

In the morning, after another restless night, I step out of the cabin where we are staying. The warm, soapy air of summer washes over me. I sigh and turn toward the trough to wash my face. Kendrick was hogging the shower and I can't stand seeing him naked. It reminds me too much of my wolf and what we used to share. With another sigh, I splatter lukewarm water on my skin. It sticks to me in the most unrefreshing way.

"You look miserable," a voice remarks from behind me.

I don't even bother to turn around. "What do you want, Andrenior?"

"I'm here to see Gideon. We have a time for the attack."

That's enough for me to face him. "When?"

"In four days. The night of the lunar eclipse."

I snort. "Of all the days he could possible choose, Marush picked the night of the lunar eclipse?"

"Apparently, he's under the mistaken assumption that you would never choose the sun."

Under different circumstances, his theory would've been spot on.

Andrenior yarns a towel together from the little cotton buds growing in the nearby garden and passes it to me. "Hence, he wants to force your hand. You either choose to fight him, which would also mean you'd forgo your last opportunity to make your blood promise to the moon, or you make your blood promise and miss the fight. Brilliant, if you ask me, at least if his assumptions were correct. Now, after you already pledged your loyalty to the sun, he'll look like a damn fool."

"I guess that's comforting. How many warlocks will fight for him?"

"We are not sure, but it'll be at least a few dozen."

"That sounds like a lot."

"It'll be fine. Our werewolf army is in the thousands and together, we should be able to beat them."

I wish I had his confidence. "Gideon usually takes a walk down by the river to watch the sunrise. You might find him there."

"And how are you?"

I arch a brow. "Seriously?"

"I sense you're hurting, but you still have Kendrick. Hold on to him. After this is over, it'll be nice to have a home and a family who cares about you. Warlock life sucks big time, so don't go there."

I have no clue what he is on about. Once Kendrick and I break it off due to his wolf's rejection, there's nothing else for me. "What do you mean by warlock life sucks big time?"

"All that traveling and moving around might be nice for a few years while you discover the world, but then the loneliness really gets to you. Unless you train in the Iomaire Draíochta, you never develop any roots. I grew up like this. After I made my blood promise and finished my training, I just drifted. Some might call it a reflective lifestyle, but I never liked it."

"Is that why you befriended Cassum?"

"I guess that was part of it." He doesn't elaborate on other motives, though we both know that he was also searching for the dagger and was hoping she'd lead him to it.

"She told me once she saved your life. Since you can't die by ordinary means, you lied. Do you think that was a good basis for your friendship?"

"Don't judge, Raelyn. Everyone does things they aren't proud of. I enjoyed being around her, just like I loved being part of Kendrick's pack. Cassum was like a sister to me, and I'll always have fond memories of the months we spent together. For you, it doesn't have to be just memories. You used to be one of the werewolves, so they'll always accept you."

I shake my head dismissively; he has no idea what he's talking about. Packs don't accept outsiders—it's one of the oldest laws of the land. Even this illusion of friendship he carried on with Cassum would've never lasted.

"Well, I need to get ready." Before breakfast, I'll have to grill the fresh kill from the night. I can't stomach even the slightest pink in my meat anymore, something that has earned me plenty of mocking smirks and biting remarks. Another reason why my days among werewolves are numbered. Once the fight with Marush is over, Kendrick's pack will insist he chase me off the territory. Imaging me as Luna is ridiculous.

"The ceremony to give Tessa her powers will be at sunset on the day of the lunar eclipse, so be ready."

"Don't worry, I will." After all, it's the reason why I gave up my wild, so I won't dishonor her memories by showing up late.

~~~~

As the hours wind down, everyone is on edge. Wolves stand around in groups and mumble, their voices fading when any of us warlocks walk by. The day before the battle, Kendrick and I leave for Ontario where the werewolf army will assemble. Silence dominates the ride; his brooding face creates an even bigger distance between us.

For a breath, he takes his gaze of the road to glance at me. "I think we should mate. Tonight."

I can't tell if this is his desperate attempt to salvage what is left between us or a pity move originating from some misplaced sense of obligation. "You don't owe me anything."

"You don't want to mate?"

"Mating is a werewolf thing. I lost my wild, so this whole claiming thing won't work." To the contrary, it'll only upset his wolf further.

"Then what do warlocks do? Marry like humans?"

"To be honest, I don't even know." Never once during my training did I see any type of ritual that suggested two warlocks were in a relationship. As a matter of fact, I never even saw any type of affection other than Marush pecking Rikka on the cheek.

"Well, I want to do something to make us an official couple."

"Why?" I turn my head in time to see him flinch.

He sighs with desperation. "Is it not something you want, too?"

"I don't see the point."

He slows the car and pulls to the side of the road. "Look, I can tell you are hurting. What can I do to make it better?"

I massage my forehead, not really sure how to break it to him. "There's nothing you can do. Your skins might still love me, but your wolf is rejecting me. How can we have a future if your two halves are so out of sync?"

"I'll take care of it."

"How?"

"Damn it, Raelyn, what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to be truthful, to yourself and to your wild. What we had was special, but it's gone."

"Then how did your parents do it?"

I take his hand and set it on my heart. "My mother's wolf never knew any different. She never had a mate she lost. Your wolf resents me. He blames me for letting go."

"I agree, he's grieving for your wild, but he'll get over it."

"Fair enough, but then let's wait to make our relationship official until he does." I lean in and brush a kiss on his stubbled chin. "And don't think for a second that I have stopped loving you." My voice turns thick as I fight the hitch in my throat. "I just know I can't make you happy right now. Not all parts of you anyway."

"Oh, Raelyn, what am I gonna do with you?" He cups my cheek. "I love you so much."

"Let's just get through this battle. Then we can figure out the rest."

"You promise."

"Yes, I promise." Empty words I'm not intending to keep. After the fight, I'll disappear and walk the world alone. Just like any other warlock. It's my fate.

When we get to Cedar's camp, I stick to Gideon and Andrenior. The whole night, we sit by the fire and watch the flames. None of us is in the mood to talk, although I sense Gideon's turmoil. He doesn't expect to survive the day. Andrenior is equally irritated and flinches at the sounds of hooting owls and barking coyotes. The wolves around us shift and find a place to sleep. I long to join them as I shiver with my teeth chattering. It's not a cold night, but my nerves are shot and every muscle in my body is tense.

When the moon reaches its peak, I get up and walk into the cabin. This will be my last night with Kendrick and I'll make sure to leave him with fond memories. And my heart will always be his to keep.

~~~~

The next day, when I head behind Gideon and Andrenior into the woods, the sky is painted by the colors of the setting sun in streaks of red and orange. Kendrick's gaze stays on me until the underbrush has swallowed me up, even though he doesn't attempt to follow us. It was my last request he honored. The touch of his warm lips still tingles on my cheek and my soul is at an odd peace. I'll mourn this part of my life for a long time, but I'll somehow make it through.

Twigs snap underneath my boots and we cross a marsh that's nothing but squelching mud. Just like last night, none of us speaks. When we arrive at a small clearing in the woods that is shaped like a circle with four tall, white oaks watching over us like soldiers, the sun is melting into the horizon. Sazith turns around in front of the makeshift altar made out of ash branches. Our eyes lock before he acknowledges me with a nod.

"Raelyn!" From behind one of the giant trees, Tessa darts toward me with her arms wide open.

I catch her in a hug and rest my chin on top of her head. How will someone so small and fragile take on a man like Marush? It's total lunacy. "How have you been?"

She snuggles closer. "I'm so scared. I don't think I'm ready."

I catch her chin and force her head up. "You'll be fine."

"Mother has been training me these past weeks. She said I grew a lot stronger."

"I'm sure you did."

"Do you think it'll hurt? When someone dies, I mean."

"Maybe at first, but the Moon Goddess is kind. Once a soul crosses into her realm, there is no more pain or despair."

"Have you ever killed someone?"

I drop my gaze, unable to withstand the innocence in her eyes. "Many times in battle. Death is a part of nature. You can't escape it."

"Did you ever have regrets?"

I rake through my brain but can't detect even a sliver of guilt. "The wolves I killed all hurt me in one way or another and deserved what was coming to them."

She stares at the moon. Eyelid twitching with her lips bend in a downward angle, she whispers, "Master Marush never hurt me. He was always very kind."

"But as far as I know, he hurt a lot of other warlocks."

"That's what my mother and Sazith say."

Her words linger in the air like a foul stench. I want to reach out and reassure her, but my hand shies back. "Marush hurt me once. He made me do things I didn't want to do."

Her piercing gaze reaches too far into my consciousness. "Are you sure you wouldn't have done those things anyhow?"

I have no answer. The day I set Kendrick's territory on fire left a dark mark on my soul. Blaming it on Marush has been the perfect justification.

Sazith claps his hand. "We are ready to begin. Raelyn, can you please light the candles."

I stroke over the sea of candles with my open hand and they ignite under my palm. I pull the fire up to absorb its warmth, soak up its tender caress, indulge in its touch. With a smile, I extinguish it in my fist.

When I turn around, everyone is watching me. Cheeks burning, I join them by the altar. Tessa is lying on a bed of lavender and rose petals, their smell intoxicating. The fear seems to crush her and she whimpers. Delsandra rubs her daughter's hand and whispers something in her ear that calms her.

Gideon moves to the top of the altar and rests his hands on Tessa's forehead. "I, Gideon, Warlock of Wood, hereby bestow the powers gifted to me by the Moon. Let the Goddess give you strength." With a knife, he cuts into his palm and lets the blood drop on Tessa's chest. With a hiss, her skin absorbs it before he seals his wound with a simple blow.

The ritual repeats itself with Andrenior and Delsandra. Then it's my turn. I lay my hands on her forehead; her skin is frozen to the touch. A shiver runs through her.

I close my eyes and focus on the words. "I, Raelyn, Warlock of Fire, hereby bestow the powers gifted to me by the Sun. Let the God give you strength." Taking the offered knife out of Sazith's hand, I slash into my palm, in the same spot where exactly two weeks ago, I cut myself to make my promise to the sun. Curling my hand into a fist, I hold it over Tessa's chest. My life essence drips slowly down.

With the hiss of the absorbing blood, her skin glows. The branches of the oaks whip in the wind. Rumbling, the earth shakes underneath my feet. I gaze up at the sky as rain pelts down; my heart is lighter than it has been in weeks. Without warning, a flash of lightning strikes the altar. Fire engulfs Tessa's small frame; before I can react, the heavy raindrops have already gone to work. Only white smoke remains, drifting toward the rising moon.

"The ritual is complete." Sazith helps Tessa into a sitting position. Her gaze is unfocused and her irises have turned a deep blood-red as if someone had cut her retinas open. It's creepy.

Gideon folds back the edges of a cloth, revealing the magical dagger. He holds it out to Tessa. "This is the only weapon that can kill Marush. Use it wisely."

When she lifts the weapon from the cloth, her hands shake.

"We have four hours to the lunar eclipse. Then we'll fight!"

The shout sparks a flame in my chest. As the fire spreads to my heart, my fighting spirit awakes. Soaking up the cool, crisp air left behind by the rain shower, I exhale. Every new breath lifts more of the suffocating burden, the fear and apprehension, the all-consuming worry. They drift away into the blue light of dusk. The battle with Marush is just the beginning. Afterward, I will reclaim my life—from my love for Kendrick to the most mundane thing—and no power in this world will be able to hold me back.

~~~~

© Sally Mason 2018

This work is protected by copyright and should not be copied, downloaded, translated or used in any way without my expressed consent. Please don't steal it. Thank you!