She stood at the door with puffed eyes, swollen cheeks and a messy bun.

I stood with arms crossed, staring back with a minimum possible display of emotions.

However, who cared.

She pushed me aside and walked past me into my apartment. I watched her steps, standing motionless.

She threw her worn-out handbag ( she had bought it some ten years back from one of my favourite leather showrooms, and she hadn't changed it all these while) on the sofa, and crashed beside it.

I still stood at the entrance. She now glared at me. I heaved a sigh, closed the door and walked over to take a seat far away from her.

" what the....
what's your problem? " , she screamed.

I stayed silent.

First thing, my morning routine was ruined. I was heading out for the gym after a fuming cup of coffee.

Second thing, her swollen eyes, red nose and puffy cheeks weren't something I wanted to deal with now, in fact, ever.

She was still glaring at me. Her ears too had fiercely reddened up now. Anger it was. And I was the cause.

I scratched the handle of the sofa..I realised, I needed to re-polish my furnitures. They were peeling off. Like most of the layers in my life.

She was now growingly impatient. And even more fierce.

" is this how you treat a friend?? " , she sounded calm.

But, do not mistaken this calm.. for real calm. She, screaming one second, and calming down the next, meant the gravest of all dangers.

" friend who? " , I replied. Calm. Yeah, fiercely calm.

Her eyes watered immediately. Such a usual course of event, I could bet upon every step.

" why do you always like to show this angst face of yours when I need you, Anirudh? "
There she was. Trying to act all innocent while slowly retrieving her well tried weapons.

" and when do you need me exactly? when your latest boyfriend doesn't pick up your calls? when he misunderstands you? when he hurts you physically? when he doesn't give in to your tantrums? huh? tell me? "
No, my voice didn't have much modulatory changes.

She was now boring through me, her deep set eyes trying to burn my skin.
Little did she know, I'd gone immune to her. Completely. Nothing affected me anymore, nothing, precisely, she tried to throw at me to weaken me in the knees.

" Coffee? " , I asked again.

She didn't speak, but stopped staring. She was now gaping at the curtains.

Those were swaying vigorously as gusts of winds struck them through the windows wide open, vibing, it might rain very soon.

I got up not waiting for a reply. I knew what she needed, when she needed and why, better than any mortal soul on this earth. I bet.

I returned with the huge Prussian Blue mug filled with the liquid of her choice.

Extra milk, extra sugar, a thick mattress of foam. And little coffee. She hated bitter stuffs.

I remember how uncle used to complain to me, she would never eat bitter gourd, neem, literally anything that tasted bitter, but was good for health. Even black coffee for that matter. He was mostly upset with not being able to feed her properly, after he and aunty separated.....

However, she didn't prefer tea over coffee either.

She was throwing her usual tantrum as I stood holding the mug before her. At her worst, she would even spill the coffee and break the cup. But today, it seemed, she was a step away from the terrible hellcat she could be.

She turned herself, completely away from me, and sat resting her chin on the sofa back, staring outside through the window.

I kept the mug on the table before her,  knowing she would turn in exactly 6 and a half minute, and have all of it at a go.

I went back to settle on my place..

" tell me. I'm all ears. Like always.
What did he do now that landed you here again, at the doorsteps of your 'friend' ? " , I asked, as casually as I could sound.

She performed a few more minutes of drama, then turned promptly to face me.
" I'm done with this relationship. He's stupid!!! "

I rolled my eyes.

" And you? " , I trusted my spontaneity a lot these days. Taking huge pride in doing so, as well.

She did too I believe, her spontaneity in throwing the cushion at me, quite a proof.

" you don't look cute anymore, doing all these childplay. ", I grabbed the cushion mid air and placed it beside me.

Her lips curled up to this. She was gearing up for a sob session. But my stern face probably unnerved her. And she gave up on it.

" please hug me Anirudh!! You know I need it now. " , she begged. Almost after five long minutes of silence.

I knew she did.
Like every time.
Every other day when the world broke her, she needed my hug.

And trust me, I wished to hug her too.
Like, sincerely. Terribly.
Forever.

But these days, a lot of my self respect came in between, dangling like an open sword. Along the entire distance between me and her, as if ready to strike and behead me any moment.

" Coffee. " , I pointed to the untouched cup. The waves of smoke still hit the ceiling.

Apart from that, I did not budge. I did not initiate any movement that could prove I was willing to hug her anytime soon.

And that was it. She picked up the mug and threw it on the ground.

Shreds of prussian blue glass decked up the floor to my living space.

All the extra milk and sugar I had invested upon her, stared back at me. As if pining, 'what more are you going to waste for this heartless, soulless, impulsive woman, Mr. Anirudh Gupta'  ?

So she indeed was the witch again, the witch I detested.

And once upon a time, I would ignore each of her mischieves, considering them only childish. Not anymore. Now, I was enraged by her tantrums. Her dramas. Her stupid acts that she thought were cool enough.

The only reason being, the overwhelming affection I had for her, had been put to test, a thousand times over, by she herself.

A rage took over my entire body and mind. I jumped up from the seat, thumped upto her and pulled her up by the arms, as forcefully as it hurt.
She was not ready for it.
Her eyes widened, much in terror, as I fiercely grabbed her cheeks and looked straight into her. She seemed completely dumbfounded.

" Listen. It's time I really end all the shit that keep brewing between us, okay?

I have no idea what concept you have of me in your head. I literally give a damn anymore.

I will speak it out aloud.

I'm neither your servant, nor your valet, neither your mother, nor your best friend.

I literally have no responsibility to hold you in my arms and give you my shoulder to cry upon, everytime someone else tests you. "

I let go off her. I knew I was hurting her. That was the last thing I wanted to do, someday, and probably the first thing I wanted to do these days, but never really did.

She was still staring at me as dumbstruck as could be, probably she hadn't blinked for a whole one minute.

I stepped back.

But I wasn't done yet. I breathed deep.

" I give a rat's ass to your trust issues anymore.
I give a fuck to your insecurities.
I give a damn to you leaving people before they leave you. Changing bloody lovers like seasons.

I can't be the ONLY constant of your life anymore. I can't. I....can't.

Enough of me squeezing my vital force to calm your storms.
Enough of me loving you more than myself...

Enough of letting you test me time and again, enough of letting you break me each time I fail.

Leave me, once and for all. Stop ruining my soul this way.

I am NOT your best friend. I cannot be your singleton shoulder anymore. I cannot be your 'no complaints no demands' tagged punchbag.

I can't waste my coffee, milk, sugar and the deepest of emotions for you.

No more. "

I knew I was shattered already.

I turned and walked upto the window.

The last I saw was tears trickling down her cheeks. My heart wanted to rub them off and my mind shamed my heart big time.

It was raining already.

I did not know if the spattering rains could calm my soul, anyways, the falling drops at least soothed me with the fact, that everytime we fall, we don't look weak or ugly.

I suddenly realized there was absolutely no movement behind me for a long ten minutes now. However, my muscles seemed paralysed. I did not even have the zeal to turn back.

Until, a pair of strong arms suddenly hugged me from behind.

Relying upon my spontaneity, I would have immediately pushed her. Pulled myself out of the grip.

But something stopped me.

What, exactly??? 

Did the touch have a flavour of something else today?

I usually trusted my instincts a lot. And that, literally kept me motionless, as her arms slowly passed beneath my mine and encircled my chest from behind. She rested her head on my back, and I instinctively closed my eyes, only to shoot them open the very next moment, denying my gut churns.

She was whispering something.
That took some time to register.

" I have lately been asking me questions, Anirudh.

Yeah, I would not say I did not know the potential questions earlier. Or even the answers. Yeah, I knew all of them, but probably, being a sore escapist, did not ever have the gut to sit before the mirror and compell myself to answer back to me when I threw those at me.

My mirror image speaks a lot to me these days. Most of which I had actually hidden within myself. Fearful of exposure, fearful of misjudgements, fearful of indecisions.

I don't know what's happening to me Anirudh!!

Or maybe I know. I have always known.

On my birthday, he did not call me till nine in the night. He was on his way to Chicago. I had calmed myself, justifying him.

On the other hand, you too were returning from London. You too did not call me until 11 in the night.
I did not justify your actions at all.

Rather, HATED you to the my last drop of strength. I cribbed that you did not care about me any longer. 

Why? Why have my expectations always been thousand folds more from you than the rest of the world?

I know why. Very well.

I can't take your indifference.
I can't take your miscommunication.
I can't take your silence.
I can't take your waning affection towards me.

The rest of the world, I'm ready to give chances to.

Why not to you?
Why??

I know it very well.

Anirudh.
I do not fear losing them all in the usuality of time and space.

But I fear losing you that way.
I do.

I know what you want from me.

Trust me, I would want to give you only that.

I can throw off the facade I wear and reveal that you're the only man I've really loved in life to the best extent, not denying that I loved them all too. But I can lose them anyway.

Not you.

And hence, do not ask me to stamp our relationship. Do not ask me to name it love.

Yeah, friendship is a stamp too.
But not as dangerous as love. Not as unnerving, when it fades away with time.

I love you, a hell lot.

But you can't be one of the chairs I sit on. Not even the ultimate one. Because, losing love is a continuum. An ongoing process, and nothing's final there.

Lately I realised, that I am hurting you. You want to walk away.

It's nightmarish. And I'm selfish.

My love for you is unbound. And that can't afford to hurt you.

If my undue demands stress you out.........don't dare think I'll let you go.
But, I can let them all go.

No, neither will you own me. But maybe you actually will, without me having to oblige to you, and vice versa.

In short, dont ask me to lose you in the usuality of a love story. But I can lose all of my worthless love stories for you.

I really, can. "

Twenty minutes of deafening silence rolled through the apartment, following this.

When I got back to my strengths, the rains had stopped.

I realised, so had my heart.

For, eternity.

I needed to hug her now....

Now.

And, forever.

For eternity.