"幽玄/yūgen"

— 

(noun) A Japanese word, yūgen is described as the feeling that arises from the awareness of the mysterious beauty and human suffering in the world. Overall it is an indescribable sentiment, which can only be described as a painful awareness. In philosophical texts, the word is interpreted as "deep" or "mysterious."

    ❄️❄️❄️❄    

Zach lays on top of me, both of us breathing hard and deep, our bodies sticky with sweat. I feel him kissing my cheek, placing a tender kiss on it. I'm completely drained, clinging to his body and just processing what happened between us.

There's no going back now. 

I decided to give Zach a chance. I can't run away now. I won't even let myself. Because this could turn out as the best thing in my life and I would forever hate myself if I didn't let myself try with him. Besides, Zach already means so much to me, it would be stupid to deny my feelings for him. 

Zach rolls off me, but keeps his arm wrapped around my body. "I think I'm a little too heavy to lie on you," he says with a chuckle.

My mouth stretches in a small smile. "I don't mind." I slightly turn my head to look at him and lie down on my side to have a better view of him. Even all sweaty and tired, he looks magnificent. He's sexy as hell, laying beside me completely naked. 

Zach places his hand on my cheek and caresses it with his thumb. "You're beautiful," he says out of the blue.

I blush a little, not expecting him to be so blunt with compliments. I'm still not used to hearing them, especially not from the mouth of such an attractive guy as Zach. 

"Stop this," Zach scolds me mildly. "Don't get shy whenever I give you a compliment. You should always know you're a gorgeous woman." 

I put my palm over my face and grin into it. "Stop!" I let out happily, flying somewhere on cloud nine. 

Zach removes my hand to look at me, his grin matching my own. He leans his head down and kisses my lips. And what starts off as a tender, soft kiss, ends up being a hungry kiss that makes us both yearn for more. 

Zach travels his hand down my body, stopping it on my hip and lightly squeezes the flesh. "Was it okay?" Zach asks, hinting on what we've been doing not that long ago. 

I think he's on a mission to make me embarrassed. Or I just get embarrassed too easily. "Uhm, yeah, as far as my knowledge about this goes." 

"You did come. Two times if I'm correct, so I don't think it was that bad for you ..." Zach grins when I punch his shoulder. 

"Jesus! Do you really have to be so ... blunt?" 

Zach lifts his shoulder. "You liked it before if I remember." He winks at me. 

I roll on my back, grunting. I hear Zach chuckle beside me. He kisses my shoulder before he stands up and walks to the bathroom, gloriously naked. I bite my lip, watching the muscles move with every move he takes. Oh, wow. It would be an honour to call this man mine. 

When he comes back, he finds me in the same spot, laying on my back, enjoying the view. He shows confidence with every step he takes, his posture straight and his head up high. He's aware of how attractive he is and how pleasant for the eyes he is. 

I also can't ignore how tired I am. I've been tired before, but now I'm actually exhausted. The adrenaline is now coming down and my body nestles in the comfort of Zach's bed. He turns the lights off and climbs up on the bed, coming to lie right beside me, even though his bed is big enough for at least three people. 

I don't mind though. It feels nice, especially when he wraps his arm around me and pulls me to him. We're still both naked and, our skin making contact, making this even more intimate. I smile into the darkness, resting my hand on Zach's arm draped around me. 

He nuzzles his head into my hair. "Good night, babe," he murmurs sleepily.

My grin grows even bigger. "Good night, Zachary."

I wake up before Zach. Which is not unusual because I'm an early riser and I usually wake up before the sun rises. However, this morning is a bit later because the sun is already making its presence in the sky. Zach is still sound asleep beside me, still in the same position as we fell asleep.

Who knew Zach Crawford is a cuddler?

The first thing I see when I open my eyes is the beautiful view outside the windows. I slightly turn my head to catch a glimpse of Zach's sleeping face and I can't decide which view is more beautiful. His long, dark eyelashes are resting on his cheeks, his lips are slightly parted. He looks so calm and so sexy with his ruffled hair. So effortlessly handsome. 

I still can't believe that this man actually wants me. And I still can't believe I gave him my virginity last night. I don't regret it, though. I would do it all again.

I would love to stay in bed and watch Zach sleeping, but I terribly need to use the bathroom. I get out of Zach's hold as quiet as I can. He protests in his sleep, but I manage to slip out without waking him up. 

After using the bathroom, also brushing my hair to make it less messy, I get out, still naked. Zach is still sleeping and I decide not to wake him up. I go to the living room instead and put the jersey Zach threw off me yesterday night on, covering my body.

I decide to prepare Zach a breakfast. I don't know what he likes, but I remember he made us eggs and bacon the other day. I choose to go for the omelette, the safest option. I also find some fresh vegetables in the refrigerator.

It takes me some time to find where everything is. Zach's kitchen is really big and fancy. I'm even afraid to make it too dirty. 

I lose the thoughts when I start mixing ingredients together. I feel the slight ache between my legs every time I move, but it's bearable. It's a bittersweet reminder of what happened last night. The reminder brings a smile upon my lips. 

I feel arms coming around my body. I almost drop the bowl I'm holding because I didn't hear Zach coming in here. "Mmm. A gorgeous woman standing naked in my kitchen, wearing a jersey with my name on it and cooking. Such a beautiful sight," Zach comments, his voice quiet and low from the sleep. His head rests on my shoulder. "I would prefer if you were in the bed next to me when I wake up, though." 

I grin like a love-sick puppy. "I can't help myself. I'm an early riser." I slightly turn my head to look at Zach, but he takes the chance to kiss me, his lips meeting mine, still tender from all the kisses that were shared between us last night. His kiss is soft, yet firm, with no intention of letting me go. His arms also tighten around my waist, squeezing me to him.

I don't mind it one bit. I came to realise being in his arms is slowly starting to become my favourite place to be. 

Zach ends the kiss with a grunt, resting his head back on my shoulder with no intention of releasing me. "I would like to see this sight every morning." 

My body freezes a bit at his words. "Let's not go too fast, Zach," I say softly, not wanting to offend him. But he has to know that this is all too new for me and I don't know how it's going to go from here. I just want to take it easy. 

Zach sighs and finally steps back from me, letting me go back to work. He already distracted me too much.

When I look at him, I notice he's only wearing a pair of black boxers and nothing else. My cheeks colour a bit, although I should probably get used to seeing him like that. I mean, we slept together last night, it's nothing unusual.

It's still hard for me. I'm still shy about these things. I haven't got much male attention in my life and I'm not sure how that even goes. I'm willing to try with Zach and I'm willing to learn how to trust him. 

"Can I help you with anything?" Zach asks, standing beside me by the counter. His hair is sexily tousled, his smile is sinful and his eyes have a special glint in them. Overall, he looks amazing. Especially with his body on full display. My eyes appreciate the view he offers.

"No, not really, I'm almost finished anyway." I chop the vegetables, waiting for the omelette to cook. I also grab an orange juice from the refrigerator, limping around the kitchen, trying my hardest to ignore the sting between my legs.

I lift my eyes when I'm filling the glasses with juice and I find Zach grinning at me. "What?" I ask suspiciously. 

His grin gets wider. "You can barely walk."

I almost spill the juice at his words. "You don't have to be so smug about it," I grunt. 

Zach leans over the counter and pecks my lips. "There's a lot of things I can be smug about," he replies cockily.

I just roll my eyes at him, but the grin appears on my mouth, too. 

I serve us the breakfast. Zach doesn't even bother covering himself up - not that it bothers me. I stay in only his jersey, too. 

"When did you want me to meet your mother?" Zach asks, taking a bite of the omelette afterwards.

I shrug. "I don't know. When are you free?" 

Zach gives me a look. "I've got a lot of free time. This one depends on you, you're the one with limited time." 

Yeah, sadly. "I can do afternoons, sometime after work?" 

"Sure, works for me," Zach says. 

We finish eating in silence, occasionally sharing a secretive look, filled with deep meaning that I don't let myself think about too much. If I will, I'll start to panic. I just want to see where this thing will take us. We will figure out the rest along the way.

"I'm going to take a shower," Zach announces, sending me a sexy grin.

I clear my throat, clearing the image that planted in my thoughts at his words. My God, Zach created a monster. "I'll clean the dishes meanwhile," I say.

"No, no, you're going to take a shower with me," Zach says.

"Oh, no," I say, my cheeks flaming at just the thought of that. My whole body gets hot and tingly at just the thought of sharing such a small place with him, indulging in such an intimate activity. You had sex last night, Analeigh, it can't get more intimate than that.

"Oh, yes," Zach says and drags me towards his room.

Zach and I spend the whole Sunday together. He takes me swimming down in his flat complex. I worried about it at first since I didn't have a bathing suit, but Zach took care of that. We've had a lot of fun together, both of us with no worries and both of us together in our own world where others don't exist.

It's nice, having that bond with someone else. 

Afterwards, we both went back up to his flat where we both took a shower again, this time separated, and went to rest on Zach's couch after hours of being in the water. Zach took a newspaper in his hands and began reading it and I just rested my head in Zach's lap, watching the TV until I fell asleep. 

In the evening, we ordered a take-out and after that, Zach had to take me home. He threw a small fit, as I thought he would, but he has to understand that I have a life that needs my attention, too. 

It would be really nice if I could spend all my time with Zach, without having to worry about anything else, but that's not how this really goes. This is a real life, after all. 

But Zach being Zach, he suggested he stays with me for the night and drives me to practice tomorrow. And I reluctantly agreed. Because I've got used to him and I love spending time with him. Leaving him for just a few hours would make me miss him.

We went to bed pretty early. We didn't have a TV to watch, but we've had some other activities to take our time off. We made love for the second time. Zach was tender and careful with me the whole time because I was still a bit sore, although not as much as I expected. 

In the morning, I had to - unfortunately - leave sleeping Zach to do my usual morning workout. It was cold outside and I didn't want to get out of the bed, but I knew I had to. 

When I come back, Zach is already up, dressed and a little confused, holding his phone in his hand. I stand before him, panting, trying to catch my breath and I see how the lines of worry disappear from Zach's face. "Oh, here you are. I thought you already left." 

"Good morning. I went to do my workout," I tell him, trying to go past him into the bathroom, but he grabs my arm and yanks me to him.

I already know what he's going to do. "No! I'm all swea-"

His mouth on mine shuts me up, his lips moving against mine with precision and passion. I give into him, kissing him back, loving the feel of his lips against mine.

When we pull back, both panting now, Zach slaps my ass. "Go shower and I'll get a breakfast ready for us." 

I salute him. "Yes, sir."

His eyes darken. "Go," he says, stepping closer to me. I quickly run to the bathroom, running all the way there, my mood in high spirits. 

When I come back, the breakfast is already waiting for both of us - toast with jam. What else is waiting for me is a frowning Zach. "What's wrong?" I ask him.

"You should go grocery shopping." 

I lift an eyebrow. "It's not that long ago that I went."

"You have barely anything to eat," Zach says incredulously. 

I shrug, not thinking much about it. "Just the necessities. I don't eat much, anyway."

Zach huffs. "Figures."

I cock my head to the side. "Why are you so grumpy?" 

"You need to eat, Analeigh. That's not healthy what you're doing."

I squint my eyes at him. "I do eat, Zach, I just don't need enough food, alright? Besides, there's not always time for food, either, but I'm still alive and healthy. Let's leave it there."

Zach looks down at the table, but doesn't say anything back. 

I don't want him to give me shit about it. I also don't want him to worry about me so much because I'm not weak. I don't like the feeling of that. 

Despite the somewhat rough morning, Zach and I depart with a scorching kiss in front of the ice hall. He says he's got a few things he needs to do so he can't come watch me. 

That's probably for the best because I seem to be clumsy whenever I feel his eyes on me and I can't afford that right now. But, surprisingly, I skate very well today. Even Sofia thinks so, which makes me gloat.

I've got a lot of energy today and I'm very smiley. Which customers react well to when I go to work after the ballet session. Yeah, people, that is Zach Crawford's effect. 

I can't wait for the work to be finished because I'm visiting my mum afterwards. Even though she might not say anything back to me, I can't wait to tell her all about me and Zach. 

I arrive at the hospital with a very bright smile on my face. I cheerfully greet doctor Gauer, the one treating my mum. 

She doesn't reply to me with any enthusiasm, though. "Ms Kerrigan," she starts seriously. "We've been calling you on your cell phone but we couldn't get you."

My smile falls. Shit. I completely forgot about my phone when I was with Zach. "Why? Is something wrong?" I ask tendentiously.

The doctor straightens her lips. "Would you follow me?"

We go to a private room and she closes the door after us, closing the blinds. "What's wrong?" I ask, feeling my heartbeat getting faster. 

"Something happened yesterday afternoon. We didn't see it coming, we didn't even know it could be possible. Your mother showed no signs and you should know that we couldn't do anything to prevent it."

"What happened?" I repeat, quieter this time, my eyes wide.

"Your mother took her own life yesterday. She committed suicide."

I AM SO BLOODY COLD. 

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