"μετάνοια|metanoia"

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(me-tə-ˈnȯi-ə), (noun) | An ancient Greek word, metanoia is described as a change of mind and change of heart, which coincides with a positive transformation in the way one lives their life. It connotes the beginning of healing.

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I'm miserable.

I'm forced to lay down, do nothing and move as little as I can. I'm restless and this plaster on my leg is driving me crazy. I hate it. 

Zach thinks I'm so quiet and lost in my thoughts because I'm disappointed by my performance at the competition. Truthfully, I don't even think about that anymore. I accepted it, came into terms that I was good for it being my first time and I set my expectations too high.

What was on my mind more is the possibility I might be pregnant. It's possible. I remembered I forgot to buy morning pills after Zach and I didn't use a condom. I had so much on my mind, but that's not an excuse. I was careless. And if I really am pregnant ... I don't know what I'll do.

I'm scared what is Zach going to think and how he's going to react. We're not together that long, we didn't even say I-love-yous to each other, and now I might be expecting his child? 

And my career just started. I did my first competition, I don't want it to be the last one. Having a child would mean I wouldn't be able to skate anymore, at least not for a year. A figure skater that just started competing can't afford to not skate for a year. 

I'm worrying myself, driving myself nuts. I'm too scared to go visit the gynaecologist. I don't even have one, to begin with, so I would have to search for a completely new one. I'm rather playing a coward, keeping this to myself. I'm too scared to see the gynaecologist because I'm afraid of what he'd tell me.

I don't know what I'll do if I'm really carrying a life in me. I'm not ready. My life is turned upside down at this moment, I don't live a stable life, suitable for a child. I can barely take care of myself, how the hell am I going to be able to look after another human being? And such a fragile one. 

I feel like I'm becoming a burden to Zach, even though he's constantly joking and also reassuring me that it's a good thing I hurt my ankle because he can spend more time with me. I'm forced to stay at his place and Zach stays with me most of the time.

There are only a few hours every day when he goes to the gym and when he goes training to the ice hall. Being with him so much these days made me know him even more and I started admiring how dedicated he is.

He loves what he does, he loves his career. I can see the happiness everytime he goes to the ice hall and the exhaustion, mixed with a pleasure of a successful session when he comes back. He also takes a great care of his body. He eats well and trains in the gym for hours.

Heck, I knew he had to do something to have such a marvellous body. 

He's everything to me. And I'm scared I ruined our chance with this potential pregnancy. If I really am pregnant, my life would be ruined altogether. 

I've put some thought into the possibility of my pregnancy and weighed my options. I thought about an abortion, but I dropped that right away. I couldn't kill my child. I also thought about giving him up for an adoption, but then a selfish part of me voiced up that I could never give away a life that Zach and I made. 

I would love this child. Even though it's not the perfect timing, I would love and cherish it. Even if I had to love and raise him alone, I know I would do it. 

It's my second week after my injury that I finally get the courage to get my ass on the bus and visit my gynaecologist. I've mad an appointment before, telling the nurse that it's urgent, even though I wanted to prolong this as much as I could, but I need to know.

Zach started guessing that something is wrong and I was too afraid to say anything to him. I don't want to say anything in case it's a false alarm.

Getting on the bus with the plaster on your foot is no fun and I'm really struggling. I want to be embarrassed because of so many people are looking at me, giving me their attention like they've never seen a person wearing a plaster, but I'm too nervous for how it's going to go.

This is going to be the first time I'll visit a gynaecologist and I'm scared all that more. And when I manage to get there and get the awkward visit done, I see I had nothing to be scared of actually. I'm in luck because he's very nice, he has a soothing voice and it just relaxes me. 

He doesn't do anything I'm not comfortable with and he doesn't push me too much. I've told him it's my first time and he said that's not a problem, but that we have to do the normal procedure that won't hurt that much, but it needs to be done since I've been having sex. 

He assures me that it's normal and that all women have to go through this just to see that everything is okay. Those words aren't that relaxing when he pushes something inside of me, bringing on a little pain with it. 

Then we'll figure out if I'm pregnant or not. This time, I do get nervous. I follow his instructions like a robot, doing everything he orders. "When was your last period?" he asks.

"I don't remember. I don't have a regular period, anyway, sometimes I don't even have one."

He looks at me and then nods. "Ms Kerrigan, congratulations. You're about 8 weeks. I can't be certain since you don't know when was your last period or when it should be."

I look at him with a painful expression on my face. "I'm pregnant?" I ask stupidly, wanting the affirmation I heard and understood him correctly. 

"You are." He nods, taking off his gloves. 

I take in a shaky breath, my hands starting to tremble. I lie my head back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, the fear settling deep inside of me. "You'll just step to the nurse to schedule your next appointments." 

I swallow the lump in my throat. 

The gynaecologist stops writing on his pad and looks at me with a studying expression. "Is the pregnancy not planned?"

I manage a smile. That's an understatement of the year. "Not really."

"Is it unwanted?"

"I -" I open my mouth to give him an answer, but I really don't know what to tell him. I want to tell him the truth, but I don't know what the truth even is. 

The gynaecologist moves the pad under his arm. I should really remember his name, but I was too nervous. "Do you not want the child?" he asks me seriously. 

"No - I mean, yes, I just ... I haven't discussed this with my partner yet, I just don't know if any of us is ready for this." I don't know why I'm explaining my problems to my gynaecologist. 

He nods and starts writing again. I sigh and start getting up from the bed. 

I get through some other things with him and the nurse. I stop at the pharmacy just to buy myself three pregnancy tests. I don't know why I keep torturing myself, but it still doesn't feel true. 

I get home - to my house, because I can't go back to Zach's - and cry. I take the three pregnancy tests and I cry some more when they're all positive. 

I lie down on my bed and cry. I don't even know why I'm crying anymore, but all I know is that I'm really scared and I want to hide here forever so I don't have to face Zach and anyone else. I don't want to do this, I won't be able to do this. 

I'm not capable of having a baby right now. I won't be a good mother, I fear. 

"Ana."

I jump up a bit at hearing Zach's voice. I don't dare to turn my head and look at him, I keep laying with my face down on the pillow, my shoulders shaking with silent sobs. I think I've been crying for hours. My head hurts, my eyes are swollen and everything just ... hurts. 

I've finally let all out, crying about everything at once. The loss of my mother, the failure at the skating competition, my injury and on top of everything, I'm pregnant. It's like life wants to bring me down to my knees. 

I feel Zach getting on the bed with me, putting his hand on my shoulder. My muscles strain at his touch and my whole body becomes rigid. I think Zach senses it, too, because he removes his hand right after.

"What's wrong?" he asks softly. I can just hear it in his voice that he has no idea what's going on. 

I don't answer him. I can't. I'm too choked up with tears, too scared to open my mouth and leash it all out on him. I don't even know how to tell him.

"You weren't at my place when I came home and you weren't answering your phone. I got worried ..." He pauses for a moment and I feel the bed move a bit. "What's this?" Zach asks with an icy tone. 

It makes me lift my head to look at what he's talking about and I see a pregnancy test in his hand. My eyes jump to his face. He's staring down at the stick in bewilderment, confusion and so many other emotions that I can't even read them all.

My breath comes out shakily and I put my hand over my mouth to silence it. Zach, however, sees it all over my face - my devastation, my fear; everything I'm feeling. 

"You're pregnant?" Zach exhales, his eyes are big and round, a smile coming out to stretch his lips. I nod, looking down at the bed. 

I put my palm over my face, hiding the new tears that fall down from my eyes. 

"Why are you crying, Analeigh?"

"Why wouldn't I, Zach?" I say back. I don't know if he's acting or he's really confused as to why I'm crying. 

"This is happy news, yet you're sad."

"Happy? Happy, Zach?! Nothing about this is happy!" I snap. 

Zach leans back as if I just slapped him. "Wow. Okay." 

I shake my head, hating myself for snapping at him like that. He's been nothing but supportive and caring, he doesn't deserve all this mess I brought into his life. "I just really want to be alone."

"Analeigh, no. This is something we both have to talk about. Why don't you start by telling me why you're so upset?"

"Why am I upset? Why aren't you? You have this blissful career, you're the best ice hockey player, yet you've found yourself a fucked-up girlfriend that continues destroying your life with my fucking troubles. We haven't even said the 'L' word to each other. We don't live together. And, Zach, my life barely started, I barely started living and getting on my feet. Do you think I'm ready for a baby? Do you think I'm ready to raise a baby? To look after another human being? I can't even look after myself properly, I'm a mess!" 

Zach blinks a few times, his face all serious, giving me his undeniable attention. "That's a lot of things, but everything you just said, we can go through them together. You're not alone in this, Analeigh, you don't have to do this by yourself."

I shake my head, hating how easily he brushes this off. "It's easy for you to say, Zach. You won't be affected by this, you'll still have your career and will be able to be the best. Meanwhile, my skating is over. Everything is ruined."

"You don't want the baby," Zach says as a statement. I can see how crushed his expression becomes and how his mouth turns upside down. 

"I'm just saying it's not the right time," I explain, wiping my tears and trying to calm myself down. My whole body is still shaking. 

"Do you ..." Zach swallows and grimaces. "Do you want an abortion?" I can see how painful it is for him to say those words. I just pause and gauge his expression. He's calmer than I expected him to be and he's reacting well to the news, definitely better than me. 

"No, I ... I don't know. Not abortion, I couldn't do that," I say truthfully. I've thought about it. And I'm conflicted. I want this child, I love this child, but on the other hand, I want my career as a figure skater and see where it takes me. And I can't have both. 

"I might be selfish, Analeigh, but don't give our child away. It's the result of our love and I would be delighted to raise it with you. I'm all about you bringing the mess in my life you were talking about." He winks, but I notice he's still holding back. He's trying to keep it together for me. 

"Love?" I asked perplexed. We haven't talked about love yet. 

Zach gives me a look. "Love, yes. I love you, Analeigh. Ever since I first saw you on the ice, I knew I had to do anything to make you mine. And then I talked to you and you instantly gave me shit and put me in my place. I think I loved you even then. So, yes, love, Analeigh. This child was made from love and I want to raise it with love."

Tears come back into my eyes again. "Are you saying this only because I'm pregnant?" I sniffle.

Zach scowls. "No. God, no, flower, I thought you already knew my feelings for you." 

I tackle Zach down, throwing myself on him, making him fall down on the back on my bed. I ignore the pain that spreads in my ankle at the wrong and too fast move I make. I hug Zach, pressing myself onto him and cry into his neck. 

Zach wraps his own arms around my frame. "I'm sorry, Analeigh. We'll figure it out, we always do," Zach says soothingly.

"I love you, Zach. I love you so much, oh my God," I sob into his neck. His arms squeeze me tighter to him and that is all that matters in that moment. Because I know we're going to be okay. Zach is going to make sure of that. 

Can you hear it? Can you? It's me sobbing my heart out.