"serein"

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(səˈræn), noun | A beautiful untranslatable French word, serein is described as the moment when rain falls from a clear sky. This type of rain is described as a fine, light drizzle which takes place after dusk on a grey cloudless sky. 

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To say I suck shit at ice hockey would put it mildly. I might be good on skates, but holding a stick in my hand and trying to get the puck in the goal? That is a whole other story that I'll always be embarrassed to even think about in the future.

Zach and I are skating close to the ice hall edge and at one point, Zach slightly pushes me into it, trying to get to the puck I'm leading, and that causes me to slip and fall, grabbing him by the arm so he's going down with me, too. 

I don't know if it's on purpose, but Zach always makes it so that I always land on him, or at least partly on him, so I never fall down on the hard ice. 

Zach chuckles beneath me and I sigh in desperation. "How do you even play this?" 

Zach laughs even harder. "Dear God! For such a good skater you are, it seems like you're skating for the second time in your life right now." 

"Ha-ha!" I grumble and stand up, helping myself by putting my hands on Zach's chest. I totally ignore how hard it is and that I can feel his muscles. Totally ignore it. Really. "No wonder you're here looking for someone to skate with you since no one probably wants to because you're so mean." 

Zach stands up, too. "You're so mean," Zach repeats in a high voice, doing a poor job to imitate me. "Want me to offer you a lollipop as an apology since we're back in kindergarten again?" Zach jokes.

My cheeks flush and I turn around, skating away with a huff. Because I'm so mature. "Still not giving up?" Zach calls after me.

We've been playing for quite some time right now. I've gotten better at it, but I still haven't scored a goal. Meanwhile, Zach scored 9 already. 

"And let you win that easily? No way," I call back. I realise how stupid that actually sounds because I haven't exactly made it hard for him to win this. 

Zach slides the puck over to me. "Go ahead. Score a goal," he says and stands in front of the goal with his arms crossed. 

I raise my eyebrows at him as I skate forward, pushing the puck with me. I knew he wouldn't make it that easy for me. He blocks my attempt to send the puck across the ice with his own stick and I let out a grunt of displeasure. 

He's standing with his legs wide apart and I lift my eyes to him, forming a small smile, before squatting down low and skate under him, scoring a goal. "Woo!" I yell and I chuckle when I see Zach's shocked and stunned expression. 

"Using your figure skating moves, I see," he notices, his lips lifting up at the corners. 

I shrug my shoulders, lifting the stick up and resting it on my shoulders, holding it with both of my hands behind my neck. "It made me score. That's what's important."

Zach shakes his head. "Good think we're not playing by the rules." 

"Are you mad I scored?" I mock him with fake sympathy, pretending to wipe a tear from my cheek. 

Zach skates to me with an intimidating speed but stops right in front of me. "I still won by 8 points. Are you mad about that?" he mocks me right back.

I show him my tongue, showing him my maturity yet again. "Nope. Not at all," I lie. 

Zach nods his head, his eyes shining in pure mischief. "Of course not," he mumbles. 

I look around us then when it hits me where we are and what we are doing. It's probably really late by now. Wow. Time really flies when you have fun. "I should go ..." I fall serious. 

Zach frowns. "Giving up already?" 

I smile, my smile suddenly sad. "Sometimes you have to," I say quietly. How easy it was to forget about my life that's falling apart with him for a little while. 

I haven't felt this carefree and happy in a long time. But it can't last. It was stupid for me to even forget about it, even if it wasn't for long. Because when it hits me again, it hits with full force, and going back is way harder than staying in it the whole time. 

"Wait! No lessons in figure skating?" Zach asks with a hopeful voice.

I shake my head. "Sorry. I really have to go. I had a nice time, though." 

"But you're coming here tomorrow night? Same time?" Zach asks again and I look at him, wondering why is he persisting to spend the time with me when he could do it with anyone else.

It's weird. And it doesn't make sense. Especially when he gets nothing out of this.

"I mean, I won and that's what I want for my reward ..." Zach bites his lower lip and I quickly move my gaze away.

"You said you want it as a reward, it doesn't mean I'll give it to you." 

I skate to the exit and I hear Zach call after me, "I thought you were a woman who stands behind her words." 

It makes me pause with my foot in the air. I look at him over my shoulder. He's standing on the ice, leaning on his stick and watching me. 

"Goodbye, Zach," is all I have to say. I don't know how much more lame I can get. 

I sit on the bench and pull the skates off my feet. I can't help my eyes drifting back to Zach who's now skating alone, doing tricks and trying to send the puck in the goal at new angles. I could watch him for a long time and wouldn't get bored. 

Zach Crawford is someone you have to admire. Either because of his attractiveness or because of his talent. He's a man that demands attention; whether he's doing moves on the ice or he's just doing nothing at all. You can't help not notice him. 

Zach catches me staring and I abruptly stand up and leave the ice hall before I can change my mind. 

When I visit my Mum the next day, I have a bad feeling deep in my stomach. 

I walk into the hospital with my head down, avoiding everyone's gazes and trying to stay invisible. "Analeigh!" 

I stop at that familiar feminine voice. It's Marie, my mum's nurse, rushing towards me with her usual clipboard in her hand. "Dear, I'm so glad you're here. We couldn't reach you since we don't have your phone number."

I frown as my heart picks up its speed in fear. "Is something wrong?" I ask her, my hands shaking at my sides. 

Marie and I have got to know each other quite well through the years. Well, she got to know me, especially my status and what's going on with me. I had to tell her, not everything, but enough to make her understand. 

She did understand, she held a lot of empathy for me. Doesn't mean she can do anything for me, not that I would ask her to. While she understood me, others didn't. Others just see that the bill hasn't been paid and that's all that matters to them. Money. 

The one thing that runs this world. No one can tell me otherwise - money is the most important thing in this world. Everyone strives to have it. Who are considered the most powerful people in this world? The ones with the most money. 

People equal money with power. People hold more respect for those who have money. They're considered people with authority, people who can do a lot more than those without money can do. It's a sad thing. But the money rules the world. 

And right now, when I'm in a situation where I'd need empathy or at least some understanding, I get none. Because I don't have money. My mother needs medical help, which I can't provide for her. 

But they're not interested in that. 

My shoulders slump. 

"Follow me. I'll call the doctor that treats your mother. She's going to explain better what's happening."

Marie leads me to a private room where she leaves me to get the doctor. I get really nervous now. I always hated the smell of the hospitals, the sterile smell that made my skin crawl. But that smell became too familiar with me for the past years. 

I'm walking forward and back when the doctor comes into the room, smiling warmly. "Analeigh Kerrigan?" she asks me with a soft voice.

I nod. 

"I'm Sabine Gauer, currently tending to your mother."

The doctor puts something in her pocket of her doctor's gown. Why does everything have to be so white? And bright? It makes me even more nervous for some reason because it all looks so stern and lifeless. 

"I believe you're wondering why you were asked to come here and talk to me in private. There's been two ... issues that happened. Your mother got in a very bad state yesterday. It seems like she dreamt about the past events that put her mind in a terrible state. She was talking about you, asking for you."

A hope starts to bloom in my chest. Did she remember me? Did she want to see me? 

The doctor gives me a sad smile and crumples the bit of hope I started to feel with her next words, "She used violent words, describing violent actions she wanted to do, especially to you. We had to restrain her in order to calm her down and prevent her from hurting anyone. She's also not allowed visitors right now. I think you're a trigger for her, Ms Kerrigan."

Tears well in my eyes. This is not something I wanted to hear. This is not something any daughter wants to hear. "A trigger?" I whisper in fear, no exactly understanding what that fully means.

The doctor nods. "I'm afraid so. We've been watching her behaviour much closer because it seemed to be getting worse. And after your visits, she was more restless and harder to calm down. We also had to put her on stronger medicine sometimes."

I take a shaky breath, putting my hand on my forehead. "What does that mean exactly?" I'm almost afraid to ask that, but I need to know. 

"For now, she's not allowed to have any visitors. We'll see how much progress she's going to make, if any, and then decide on further actions. You have to understand we need to deal with patients like her with special attention and always keep a close eye on them. Nothing can be promised." Mrs Gauer's voice is so soft, I would explain it as a soothing one if it didn't put me in a restless and nervous state.

"So ... what you're actually saying is that you can't promise that my mother will get better ... Correct?" 

This is my nightmare coming true. I've always feared something like this would happen. Well, I've feared much worse a while back, but now that I got free of those fears, the new ones just keep appearing. Is this ever going to stop? 

"I can tell you that we're going to do everything that's in our power to get your mother in a healthier state. We're doing what we think is the best for her and would help her faster," the doctor explains seriously. 

I have to turn around, looking at the wall, to calm myself down. I feel like I'm going to crumble on the floor any second. I feel weak, I feel like my legs are going to give in any time now. 

I want to scream that she doesn't know her - that she doesn't know what's best for her.

But I have to bite my tongue. Because I don't know her either. At least not like I used to. She's not the same, she doesn't think the same as then. And watching her, not remembering how her embrace feels like when once, awhile back, her embrace was the one thing I knew the most, is tearing me apart. It's one of the hardest things I have to go through, one of the hardest battles I have to deal with. 

"Ms Kerrigan? Would you like some water?" The doctor kindly offers.

I bit my lip so I don't let out a loud sob. I wipe my tears that have fallen down my cheeks without my notice before turning around. "No, thank you. I'm good. Just a lot to take in at once." 

The doctor nods and then clears her throat uncomfortably. "There's also another thing I want to discuss with you. I know this is a lot for you to take in, but this is important it can't wait. I hope you realise the past three bills for the hospitalisation haven't been paid. I'm sorry to inform you like this and I hope you know that we don't have any upper power here, but if the bills won't be paid, we will have to stop treating your mother here."

My throat closes up and I start shaking my head. Three? I thought there was only one bill that hasn't been paid. I put my hands in my hair and tug at it. "Please, no ... I will ... I will pay them. I will," I say uncertainly.

The doctor nods. She has a serious expression, her eyes not showing any emotion. I wonder how many people she sees at their lowest daily. "I hope so, Ms Kerrigan. Your mother needs the treatment only the hospital can provide her," she says softly. "I have to go back to work now. Are you sure you'll be fine? I can bring some water to you. You can also sit for a bit and I can call a nurse to come here, just in case."

I shake my head. "I'm fine," I say. "I'm fine," I repeat. But everything inside of me is pulling and burning and it feels like something inside of me just died. 

I hope you like this so far. Don't forget to vote and comment! And if you want to read more and don't want to wait, you can simply go to radish where I already posted chapter 12 today! 

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thank you to jinsthoughts for this lovely cover!